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Ask ThatGuy Episode 1 (June 13, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, hello! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: I have been trying to start a garden for the past three years, so I can eat more vegetables and green foods... but there's a huge frickin' Fraggle colony underneath my house. Do you have any ideas how to stop the Fraggles from stealing my radishes?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. The best thing to do is to get a healthy litter of Doozers. You remember those little guys who were always making the construction. Adopt a healthy litter. Take one away. And impale it on a spike. Then put a tiny little flag on him that says “Fraggles forever”. And be sure to place him between the two colonies. This will start an underground war. Doozers and Fraggles will be fighting to the death. The Doozers will no doubt win because they have the weapons of mass destruction. And that colony of Fraggles will be wiped off the face of the earth. And once you’re done with the Doozers, kill them. They’ll like centimeters tall, they’ll be easy to destroy. Ha ha! Yes.

Narrator: I have a brother who wears glasses, how do I stop myself from confusing him with you?

ThatGuy: Well, have you thought about giving your brother a name? Think about that. Give him a name like, uh, Jerry. Once you have named your brother Jerry, ask him, “Jerry, are you that guy with the glasses?” And he’ll say, “No. I’m Jerry, remember?” and thus the confusion will be over. What a terrible question.

Narrator: Who would win in a fight, Ash from Pokémon or Ash from Evil Dead?

ThatGuy: I would actually imagine Ash from Pokémon. I say this because Ash from the Evil Dead movies has seen plenty of creepy creatures. But he has never seen a Pokémon. I imagine he would be just as confused as the rest of us. And in the confusion, Ash from Pokémon would kick Ash from the Evil Dead movies in the testicles. Because Ash plays dirty. And then Pikachu would use his satanic powers to roast Ash from the Evil Dead movies. Because I don’t know if many people know this, but Pokémon are of the Devil. Think about it, could they really be a creation of any Human loving God. I think not. They are all Satan’s minions. And they will not stop until we are all turned inside out dead. Isn’t that charming. Yes.

Narrator: Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways?

ThatGuy: Because you touch yourself at night.

Narrator: If you could make your own full-length film with a budget of a Hollywood blockbuster and all the resources needed to film it, what would it be about?

ThatGuy: I imagine it would mostly be about pornography. I do love pornography! And they’ll be ladies doing things. Things you often associate with pornography. And then I will put in a story about a young woman trying to reconcile with her father. The father passes away before she can ask for forgiveness. And thus she has to find forgiveness in herself. And then some more pornography. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End

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