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Ask That Guy With The Glasses: Ep. 14. (August 6, 2008)

(That Guy is reading a book with his pipe in his mouth. Suddenly, he snaps the book shut as he notices the audience)

That Guy: Oh! Salwaysay! I didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Title card comes up to music of Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven

Narrator: Whatever happened to the Taco Bell Chihuahua? Did Ted Turner rape him?

That Guy: That’s a very good question. The Taco Bell Chihuahua went through a very long.. (double takes) Rape?... did you say Rape?.... Why would Ted Turner rape a dog? (looks disgusted and confused) Is.. that something Ted Turner does?...Am I been kept out of the loop on that?.. I’m sorry, that question really, really threw me off!.... Is that something Ted Turner is known for.. raping dogs? Specifically Chihuahuas? And why would Ted Turner rape a Chihuahua? I mean, that makes no sense! True, he kind of LOOKS like a Chihuahua, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he should RAPE them-no wait, I remember seeing on the E true Hollywood story-The Taco Bell Chihuahua! They said that he got together with a pussy named Ted. I JUST THOUGHT THAT WAS THE NAME OF THE CAT, THOUGH! (shakes head) Ted Turner rapes Chihuahuas...I guess that makes sense-I mean, I make out with Dobermans.... I shouldn’t have said that...nor should I have ever answered this question..... which I don’t think I did.... Ted Turner, if you’re watching... leave the Taco Bell dog alone. I mean, what would the children look like? (Photo of Ted Turner’s head on a Chihuahua dog’s body is shown) (That Guy looks on in horrified anguish)

Narrator: Can you see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

That Guy: I believe it’s because of it’s unique diamond shape. No other cereal in the world has a diamond shape to it. Nahhh I’m just kidding. It’s because there’s Cinnamon and Sugar ALL OVER IN EVERY BITE!.... I think the real question is: Whatever happened to the 3 chefs who made Cinnamon Toast Crunch? My guess is that Wendell ate them! And then, after seeing himself on the Cinnamon Toast Crunch box, he decided to eat himself! Because when he thought of himself, he immediately thought of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and how great it tasted. And thus, he thought he would taste great as well! How tragic. (smiles, then frowns and looks down)

Narrator: Is Hillary Swank really a man in disguise?

That Guy: No more than I’m really a woman in disguise. (leans closer to the screen and whispers) yes..(steps back and mimes breasts while smirking)

Narrator: If the person who controls time is “Father Time” and the person who controls nature is “Mother Earth”, then what does that make “Aunt Jemima” and “Uncle Ben”?

That Guy: Brother and Sister. See.. before Father Time and Mother Earth, there was always Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. They say the Earth was made in 7 days, but really it was made in 10 minutes! In a rice cooker! Then it was covered in a maple syrupy ooze known as life! And then, they gave their images to the world! Which some call racially insensitive, but I think it’s racially charming!... and insensitive.

Narrator: In the last episode, you said everybody lived 'happily never after'. Did you mean 'happily ever after'?

That Guy: You know what?... FUCK YOU!... FUCK YOU! and your children! I try so hard to answer these questions, and all you do is ASK MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE QUESTIONS I ALREADY ANSWERED! WHHHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?!?!? You know what? Let’s see YOU try it! (starts taking off outfit) Yeah, you think you’re so bright! (wraps ascot around behind the cameraman as if putting it on the viewer) Yeah, you think you’re the guy who know all the answers? Here! put this on! (shoves bathrobe at the cameraman) Here’s your pipe! (shoves it in the cameraman's mouth) NOW YOU ANSWER ALL THE QUESTIONS! (That Guy affects an annoyingly whiny voice and mimes puppets with his hands) Hi That Guy With The Glasses!... What’s this?... What’s that?..YADABADABA! (glares at the screen) NOT SO EASY, IS IT? It get’s lonely, doesn’t it?.. answering all those questions....It’s hard knowing everything. But that’s the price you have to pay for being such a genius. You don’t ever want to be a genius...it haunts you.... (whispers) haunts. And you will die alone, and forgotten...knowing every single damn thing this world has to offer. (breathes heavily and runs his hands through his hair) but what does it all add up to?...squat....LESS THAN SQUAT! DIDDLEY SHIT! And I wouldn’t ask that of anybody. So, please... (leans forward) let me wear the coat... let me take the pipe (takes back articles) and let me wear.... (holds up the ascot) whatever the hell this thing is. I will take this responsibility. Me. Why? Because I am greater than you. (dons Bathrobe) And a billion times more attractive (puts on ascot) It’s a tough burden but somebody has to do it. And that someone..... is me (grabs pipe) That Guy With The Glasses. Answering your questions, because you will never stop asking.

That Guy: NAH! I’m just kidding, I said 'happily never after' just to be funny!

That Guy: This is That Guy With The Glasses saying there’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it! (Winks at camera, puts pipe in mouth and resumes reading book)

End card is shown which has the comment Ask you stupid questions today!

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