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Ask ThatGuy Episode 19 [August 22. 2008]

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, [Speaks in a clicking language]! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: If I'm a scaly man-fish who drinks baileys from a shoe and has a mangina, am I still loveable?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. The answer is no, you are not loveable. You are a freak. And if there is anything history has taught us it’s that the world is not very friendly to freaks. I suggest that you stop being a freak, go back in time, and change the way you look and act. If you could somehow crawl back into your mother, stop her from having sex and have her have sex with someone’s probably more attractive, that would be the best thing to do. Because this country does not tolerate freaks. So please, change the course of time or go die alone. Either one is fine by me. Yes.

Narrator: I love the feeling of ripping flesh, which is why I'm addicted to sticking pins and needles through my skin, it soothes me. I don't want my body to be scarred to shreds, so how do I stop?

ThatGuy: [Has a look of shock on his face] Oh my god! Whatever I said before about the fish-scaly man, fuck it! You’re the real freak! Anything that gives you pleasure that does not agree with everybody else’s idea of pleasure makes you a freak. And not just a freak, a horrible freak! And not one of those people that’s like “hey, you’re freaky!” No, no, no, a freak! Please return your body and soul to God and ask for another one. Because you obviously wasted your time with the one that you have. And if you don’t do that I will hurt you. Hurt you in horrible, horrible ways! Like I will rip off your fle… [Realizes what he’s saying and stops] I will stab you with… [Stops again] I’ll think if something! Why are people so crazy? And why am I so great?

Narrator: What is always drowning and always thirsty?

ThatGuy: My ego. [Thinks about what he said and starts looking depressed]

Narrator: I show your videos to my girlfriend and I think she just fell in love with you. How can I erase you from her memory?

ThatGuy: Oh it’s far too late for that. Once you fall in love with That Guy With the Glasses, you can never go back. In fact, she has already come to visit me and to make sure she didn’t leave; I locked her in my closet. [Yells to someone off screen] Isn’t that right, honey? [No reply, he lowers his voice] Isn’t that right, honey? [He walks off screen] Honey? [A pause] Oh my God! [He returns onscreen and starts acting nervous] I would say, um, just stop watching this, uh, website and just try to forget that I exist. Because obviously your girlfriend…must still be with you and is not…dead in my closet, right now. Please don’t sue.

Narrator: If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that crap from Acme, then why doesn't he just buy a bazooka or something and shoot the Road Runner's head off?

ThatGuy: Well bazookas or dynamite or any of those products never seems to work for him. I think the real question is, why doesn’t he just order a road runner? Surely there must be some place that orders road runners. Or if not the road runner, food. Order some food. If you have enough money to buy explosives and tanks, why can’t you buy food? I saw him once make a roast chicken out of mud. Why? Buy food! Are really so determined to get that stupid Road Runner that are willing to starve to dead. You are an idiot. In fact, in one episode I’m sure I saw a White Castle in the background. Go to White Castle and get something that’s good there. For example, get a…[thinks about it for a second] On second thought, chase the Road Runner. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End

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