Announcer:
And now, Chester A. Bum would like to give his summary of the American presidential election.
Chester:
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest election I've ever seen in my life!
There's this guy called Barack Obama.
And he has done absolutely nothing.
And everybody is like "HOORAY!"
And there's this guy called John McCain.
Who everybody says is a maverick.
I don't think he's a maverick!
He doesn't look at all like Mel Gibson!
And they're both fighting to become President of the Unitema States.
And Obama is like "McCain is too much like Bush!"
And McCain is like "At least I have the experience to be like Bush!"
And then he's like "You have no experience. You don't have any authority."
And so, he hires Sarah Palin!
Who has been into politics for more than 20 minutes!
That's real experience for you.
And then he starts shouting "Obama is a Muslim! A terrorist! A socialist!"
And Obama's like "No I'm not!"
And McCain's like "Oh yeah, you're right. Whoops! Silly me."
So, the two start yelling at each other back and forth.
But it's like the most pussified yelling you've ever seen!
McCain is like "I hate Obama, but he's a nice guy."
And Obama is like "I hate McCain, but he's okay."
Come on, guys! Rip each other apart!
Remember when George W. Bush called Al Gore a brick wall?
Not because he's determined or anything, but because he's so stiff if you push him he'll fall over!
That was fun!
So, everyone's yelling at Sarah Palin because she's using the campaign money to buy fancy clothes.
And everybody's like "Why can't you be more like Obama?! Using his money for important things like an infomercial on three major networks interrupting all of our favorite shows!"
That's using your money wisely!
So, everybody's like "The election's going to be close!"
And then it...turns out it was a landslide.
So, McCain lost and Obama won.
And half the people are like "Obama is going to be great!"
And the other half are like "Obama is the next Hitler!"
That's right! Obama is going to be the next Hitler!
Not like our current president who invaded countries, never listened to the people, abused his political power, and attacked people who were never a threat in any way.
That's what Washington would do!
And half the people are like "It's the liberal media! The liberal media is to blame! They made Barack Obama look like a superstar!"
And the media is like "No we didn't! We're fair and balanced! Now, would you like to buy some Barack Obama trading cards? In this one he has little wings and a halo!"
All I gotta say is I voted Barack Obama for one simple reason: CHANGE! He's got change! Aw, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, gimme some change!
C'mon, I'll buy one of your trading cards! Even the one where you're saving Superman!