Linkara: Hello, and welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn. There seems to be some sort of train of thought among some comic book writers that because something is popular in one medium, that will automatically transcribe into a different medium.
(Cut to a panel for "Batman: Fortunate Son", where the aforementioned Sid Vicious stand-in is shown)
Linkara (v/o): But there have been a ton of comics about real-life musicians or fake ones that once again get me to scratch my head in bewilderment. As I've said, unless there's a real song...
(Cut to a shot of an Archie comic)
Linkara (v/o): ...that we can put those lyrics we're seeing on the pages to, it's just somebody's idea of a song that I'm sure sounds like the greatest song in the world to the writer, but leaves the comic-reading public to have to say, "Why is this bad poetry littered around the text boxes?"
Linkara: And yet, comics about musicians, be they real or fictional, continue to be made, usually with more ludicrous premises. So let's dig into the musical mercenaries, I'm not kidding here, (holds up comic of review) of "22 Brides #1".
(The theme song rolls, followed by the title for this episode, while "More Than a Woman" by the Bee Gees plays in the background; cut to a closeup of the comic cover)
Linkara (v/o): While I wouldn't say that this cover is bad, I can't exactly call it good either. It's not bland, as since we do have colorful characters presented in a way that I'm sure is meant to be reflective of their personalities, but at the same time, it tells us nothing about the series or the issue we're about to read. Why are they called 22 Brides? Do these eight undergo mitosis until there are 22 of them, and then they're all married off? And why the random drag queen as the eighth? (open to the comic's credits page) To my dismay, I see that this comic was written by Fabian Nicieza, who also wrote...
(Cut to a shot of...)
Linakra (v/o): ..."NFL SuperPro #1". And it's not because "NFL SuperPro" was all that awful, especially when you compare it to, say, "Maximum Clonage", but I honestly feel bad when a decent writer like him has his work on this show.
(Cut back to the "22 Brides" credits page)
Linkara (v/o): I don't want to make fun of them, buuuut on the other hand, well, crappy comic.
Linkara: Fortunately, however, that is offset by the fact that Joe Quesada, the guy responsible for Spider-Man's deal with the devil, is also involved in this book, so here's hoping for "One More Day" jokes a-plenty!
Linkara (v/o): We open to somebody's snot running down their face.
Linkara (v/o): What's actually happening is that a woman is aiming her gun at a guy, and despite the fact that the opening page established that the gun is two inches from his face, the two-page spread that makes up the title page has it like three feet away, aimed at the back of his head. Also, there's a woman in a bellhop costume. The hell? Anyway, from what I can gather, there was some sort of deal that's gone sour, not that we're ever told that. Reading on, I'm assuming this is explained in future issues. The real problem is that when we finally go to the real plot, there's not even an establishing caption that tells us like "Three days ago" or something like that. Instead, it just feels like whatever happened on these opening pages is happening simultaneously with the next scene. Speaking of, we cut to the Slimelight Nightclub, which looks suspiciously like...
(Cut to a shot of the exterior of...)
Linkara (v/o): ...St. John Divine Cathedral, a real place.
Linkara: All class, this comic.
Linkara (v/o): Three women travel via elevator to the club. For some reasons, their bodies are twisted in a way that their upper bodies are completely pushed forward by the curvature of their spine.
(Linkara is seen standing in this twisted pose and looking pained as he does so, while a message next to him reads, "Seriously – try to put your back into this position.")
Linkara: Yeah, what's actually really awful is that this is pretty tame compared to some artists who draw women the same way.
Woman #1 (Libby): Where's the boss?
Woman #2 (Carrie): Back there, to the left.
(Cut to a clip of The Critic; Kevin Costner's character giving a lecture on JFK's assassination)
Costner: Back and to the left.
(Back to the comic)
Carrie: He looks kind of--uhm-- well, not what I expected. (in unison with Libby) LOOOOOSERRRR!
Linkara:(wearing a Minnesota Timberwolves cap over his eyes) Um, ladies, I can hear you from down here, you know.
Linkara (v/o): So the girls go down to meet this mob guy, who was the same guy as in the beginning, and WOW, the mob standards have really slacked off if this is a mob boss! He's got a baseball cap with a huge ponytail behind him, a leather jacket and t-shirt, and he's spending his time in a nightclub painting some statue. Oh, and this guy is so out of his gourd that he asks to borrow their lipstick and just smashes the lipstick into the statue. Oh, and it turns out the statue is of He-Man.
Linkara: I mean, seriously, the mob must have some lax standards these days! Tony Soprano would've capped this guy twice by now!
Linkara (v/o): So what was the point of that meeting? No idea, since he then just shoos them away. The guy does mention, however, that he wants the redheaded one brought to him later. Now we get some meandering around the club.
Libby: Hello, Silicon Valley!
Carrie: What did you think of Fonti?
Libby: What do I think of painful, rectal itch? Don't smoke. Stunts your growth!
Linkara (v/o): That last one, by the way, is said while she limbos underneath another woman's cigarette tray.
Linkara: What the hell was the point of all of that? Was this some sort of cut-and-paste dialogue scene where we're supposed to make it all up ourselves?
Linkara (v/o): So we learn that the girls were talking to the mob guy, named Fonti, because they wanted to have their band play at that club. And as they walk home, the redhead, named Libby, is literally pulled into an alleyway with a hook, the kind you'd see in a theater, trying to get rid of a bad stand-up act.
Linkara: Hey, it's as if the comic read my mind when I thought, "These characters are terrible and their dialogue isn't funny!"