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Ask ThatGuy Episode 23 (September 6, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, Sour de crum! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: My hamster gets boners from staring at jellyfish. Is this a problem?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. The answer is no. It’s not a problem at all. Hamsters and Jellyfish have been known to mate quite often in the wild. And when they reproduce they create Hamsterjellies. I know that sound like some sort of jam you’d spread on bread but it’s not. That’s Hamstergrapejelly. Which is made out of Hamsterjelly. And the reason I’m telling you this is because I love saying Hamsterjelly. Hamsterjelly. [ThatGuy then says Hamsterjelly several times in fast motion and in an Alvin and the Chipmunks-ish voice] Hamsterjelly.

Narrator: Whilst on World of Warcraft, I met a level 54 dragon slayer. She said that she wanted to get serious. I want to do this, but I'll have to forfeit my magic mana (level 69). What should I do?

ThatGuy: Get a life.

Narrator: I think my girlfriend is cheating with my identical twin brother. What should I do?

ThatGuy: [Laughs] This happens quite often. I know. For you see, I have an identical twin brother. In fact, let me go get him right now. [ThatGuy walks off screen and then “brother” walks on screen, oddly enough wearing the exact same clothes] Hello, I am ThatGuyWithTheGlasses’ identical twin brother, Darrell. And to answer your question, don’t worry about it. This kind of thing happens all the time. Just be sure your girlfriend doesn’t have an identical twin sister. And if she does, thank Jesus. Well, that’s all for me now. I’m going to go back to the closet where I live. [The “brother” walks off screen and ThatGuy comes back, laughing] Thank you, Darrell. And if any of you are wondering why we’re never on screen at the same time, blow me.

Narrator: I am an alien sent from the planet Mars. I may look human, but under my cleaver disguise... I look like a giant purple squirrel, with 3 tails, 5 eyes, and 18 tongues. My goal is to collect data and items to help me people learn of yours, so we can invade. I do this by eating anything I think is useful. Odd items, people... Animals... whatever I want. And by eating so much, I get horrible stomachaches. And sometimes it gets so bad, I end up throwing it all up... But then I have to start over! Is there a way to make me stop throwing up?

ThatGuy: [ThatGuy has a shocked look on his face] Yes…there is. Go to a mental hospital. Check yourself in and they will help you stop throwing up. They have wonderful pills to help you stop throwing up. And enchanted syringes. And the always popular, whimsical shock therapy. That always stops people from throwing up. I suggest you go quickly because you never know when…Just go.

Narrator: I showed my Mother one of your videos and claims that you are my biological Father. Why did you run off, where's my child support, and why did you put me up for adoption?

ThatGuy: Ah, I always knew one day you would find me. And you deserve to know the truth about where you came from. Well, the truth of the matter is…I was raped! She forced me to follow a case of Viagra. Shoved me onto her body. And forced me to thrust over and over and over. It was a horrifying experience and I will never forget. And you were a mistake, a horrible mistake. And in answer to your questions: Why did I run away? Because I was scared shitless! Where’s your child support? I sent it all on hookers. And why did I put you up for adoption? Because abortion was too expensive! I don’t love you! And whatever Hell you have to face in the afterlife is too good! Love, your dad, That Guy With The Glasses. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End

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