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Askthatguy

Ask That Guy With The Glasses 25 September 12, 2008


That Guy is holding a pipe to his mouth with one hand and using the other hand to read a large red book. Suddenly he notices the audience, snaps the book shut and smiles.

That Guy: Oh, Bom Dia. Didn’t hear you come in. Welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.


Title card comes up accompanied by Moonlight Sonata by Ludwig Van Beethoven


Narrator: If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?


That Guy: (fast turn to look into the camera)That’s a very good question. The answer is yes. Yes, they do.(grins). In fact that once happened at the YMCA just down the street. One of the synchronized swimmers drowned and they ALL had to follow. I don’t need to tell you that they won the award for the best synchronized swim team that year.(grins wider). Because that’s dedication to your craft. And since then, they have won every single synchronized swimming award every year. They just dump their bodies into the pool and they just float there, totally lifeless.(mimes floating in the water face-down). Since every one of them stays dead, or breathe a breath of air, they always win every year. They call themselves the up-side down fish. And it’s one of the worst things we human beings can ever watch and experience....yea.


Narrator: Why is lemon juice artificially flavored, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


That Guy: Because I’m Batman!(picture changes and That Guy is in a Batman costume-then flips back to normal)


Narrator: If you were the owner of a factory, what would it produce?


That Guy: I’d say it would be cute little toy versions of me. And you would ask it questions-just like you would ask a Magic 8 Ball. Except instead of looking into a little peephole to get your answer, you would look in my ass. Because, clearly that’s where I put all my information. In my ass! Indeed I have pulled many great things out of my ass! Like I pulled out this pipe(shows pipe) These glasses(takes off, shows, and replaces his glasses). In fact, let’s see what great wonders my ass has to offer this time.(reaches behind himself, grunts and a loud ‘Pop!’ is heard. That Guy brings the object up). A Hummel Figure! Isn’t that splendid?(nods) Yeah.


Narrator: I was with my girlfriend the other night and the suddenly my phone rings, it was this guy that said “Get away from my daughter”, I asked her and she said that her father was dead. Then who was on the phone!?


That guy: I’ll admit...it was me. And I know you have that restraining order against me, but I figure this is the only way to talk to you. I’m sorry about what I did to your Doberman. And I know you will need years of psychological therapy, but THAT doesn’t mean we can’t still be budiies-RIGHT?.......I look forward to calling you again...and watching you sleep. You sleep Soooo deliciously(rolls eyes up waggles eyebrows, smiles broadly and runs his tongue over his upper teeth suggestively).


Narrator: If you tied a piece of buttered toast to a cat and chucked it off a bridge, which side would it land on?


That Guy: I know what you’re getting at-the fact that toast always lands butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet. But cats also know this-And so they have this triggering mechanism mentally implanted in their brains to kill themselves before they can find out. Not too many people know this, but cats can actually self-explode! And they do this right before someone throws them off a bridge with toast tied to their backs. I tried this once with my cat, Fifi(mimes cat falling off bridge and exploding with sound effects). I never found out the answer. For if we found out the answer, the world would never be the same again. People would have to walk backwards....toasters would give us freshly squeezed orange juice...and Matthew Broderick would actually start having tallent(serious look). Pray that day never comes.(leans forward with serious look of concentration on his face-loud popping noise and pulls small music box shaped like a grand piano out of his ass, looks at it and smiles) The darndest things!


That Guy: This is That Guy With The Glasses saying there’s no such thing as a stupid question-until YOU ask it! (winks, holds pipe in mouth again and resumes reading)


End card comes up with the comment, “Ask your stupid questions today.”

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