Linkara (v/o): And three more pictures of people, including what I presume to be a very frazzle-haired Sarah Palin. And then people in a movie theater watching giant robots fighting with MST3K-style silhouettes. Fortunately, as I have demonstrated in this very review, I am armed with my own MST3K clips.
(Cut to clip from MST3K, of course, episode: "Riding with Death")
Tom Servo: Well, It's hardly worth it, but -- Boooo!
Linkara (v/o): And then a woman being stoned to death, after being buried in the sand up to her head. And then a World's Greatest Dad mug next to a dinosaur? Whenever you have a point, Frank, feel free to let us know. Anyway, The Fixer calls up one of his "colleagues."
Linkara: No doubt a Superman analog named The Swinger or something.
Fixer: I'm tired. Let's steal a car.
Linkara: What a gentle soul.
Linkara (v/o): And yeah, they steal a cop car and listen in on the police radio. And what does he hear on the radio? That the terrorists attack and destroy the Blind Justice statue, aka the Statue of Liberty analog for Empire City. Oh, but I should probably point out how they destroy the statue. You see, the terrorists have jets, with missiles. Yeah, surprised? Boy, I sure as hell was.
Linkara: May I ask, what, maybe a stupid question? If you have fully-equipped and capable military hardware, including missile-armed jet planes and stinger missiles, and you have massive attack planned on the city, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU RESORTING TO SUICIDE BOMBERS?
Linkara (v/o): You waste perfectly good soldiers under your command when you could just annihilate the city from a distance. What's the point of suicide bombing like that? Why not just throw the explosives into a crowded room and run? Did those assholes owe people money or something? Or is this just Al-Qaeda's plan to weed out all the really DUMB members of their organization? You know like-- Oh, there's Steve. Dude always spills his soda on the gunpowder. Let's make sure he doesn't mess this one up! DOES FRANK MILLER NOT UNDERSTAND HOW TERRORISM WORKS? IF THEY HAVE THE RESOURCES TO LAUNCH THIS KIND OF MASSIVE ASSAULT, THEY DON'T NEED SUICIDE BOMBERS!! AT THIS POINT, I'M NOT GOING TO BE SURPRISED IF THEY HAVE A NUKE, TOO!! Oh, enjoy some more heads, this time including President Obama, Vice President Biden, Kim Jong-Il for some reason, some regular military, and some silhouettes of fists at a burning flag.
Linkara: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, FRANK?! AT LEAST THE DUMBASS TALKING HEADS FROM THE DARK KNIGHT STRIKES AGAIN WERE SAYING THINGS! WHAT IS THE STATEMENT YOU'RE MAKING WHEN YOU JUST... SHOW... THE HEADS WITH NO DIALOGUE OR CAPTIONS?!! IT'D BE LIKE SUDDENLY CUTTING TO STILL IMAGES OF THE OTHER THATGUYWITHTHEGLASSES PRODUCERS FOR NO REASO--
Linkara (v/o): So, yeah. The Fixer has apparently been brought to complete silence by the destruction of the Blind Justice statue. No, it's not the death and carnage all around him that's made him speechless, it's the destruction of a statue. And look, I get it. Seeing an important symbol like that getting destroyed is demoralizing, but, frankly, you should count your damn blessings that they didn't turn those missiles on the city itself, asshole. Anyway, he still says this is just the beginning.
Linkara: WE'RE SERIOUSLY STILL JUST BEGINNING?! WE'RE ON PAGE NINETY-THREE!!!
Linkara (v/o): The Fixer takes Natalie to some abandoned factory to talk with a guy and his two flunkies, women who push out their asses behind them in an almost Rob-Leifeld-esque distortion of body positions.
Stack: Beautiful Asian twins. You guys are so obvious.
Linkara: They are? What's obvious? What are you talking about? Did we miss some dialogue? Since we apparently decided to actually have a plot in the final part of the book.
Linkara (v/o): Ugh, anyway, the guy that The Fixer came to see is a guy with a blue Star of David tattooed on his face. Oh, what new spore of madness is this? Oh, and I'm not kidding about the plot condensing. With twenty-four pages remaining in the comic, Frank apparently decided to fit all the backstory and plot onto one page and twenty-four panels! Star of David guy is named, of course, David. He's an ex-Mossad agent who got kicked out for being too EXTREEEEME in his interrogation methods. David apparently enlisted The Fixer to join him if a night like this came. David's figured out something's going on at the telecom building and he's assembling mercenaries to deal with it, while The Fixer deals with the "south side action," though nobody actually knows what that is.
Stack: And what's the story with those Killer Geishas of his?
Linkara: "Killer Geishas?" You mean the two Asian ladies in skin-tight black suits? So, not satisfied with being racist towards Arabs, apparently we've expanded to Japanese racism!! Why not? Since, Frank apparently really loved the 1940's propaganda comics UNIRONICALLY!!
Fixer: Tara and Anika. Two of his best students. They'd die for him, if they weren't so busy killing for him.
Linkara (v/o): ...Or, rather, killing for The Fixer, since he immediately says that he has ordered them to kill the police commissioner. Said commissioner is corrupt and is actually working for the terrorists, misdirecting every squad car in town and leaving the city wide open to attack. So yeah, more cold-blooded murder from the "gentle soul" that is The Fixer.
Stack: The mayor -- What would he say?
Linkara: (confused look) Who cares?
Fixer: Aw, it'll make you sick. He'll haul out a bushel basket of kids. Family is always the excuse.
Linkara: Excuse for wha- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Linkara (v/o): And now time for backstory for The Fixer.
Stack: You got yourself a family, crime-stopper?
Fixer: No. Never.
Linkara: (The Fixer) I was never born. In fact, I'm just a figment of your imagination.
Stack: Murdered parents? An exploded planet?
Fixer: Don't be silly.
Linkara: (sarcastically) Ohhh, why stop now?
Stack: Then why fight crime?
Fixer: Practice. Staying in shape. Getting ready for tonight. I've spent my whole life getting ready for tonight.
Linkara: (puts the comic down and looks up in disbelief) ...That is the laziest bunch of bullcrap motivation in writing I have seen in a LONG time!! I know you lost the Batman stuff, Frank, but you could have given him SOMETHING!! An ex-soldier, a guy whose family died on 9/11, just friggin' SOMETHING!
Linkara (v/o): Why even bother bringing it up if you're just gonna half-ass it like this? Oh, and he admits that he's falling in love with Natalie Stack. Well, whoopity-doo dah!! You both have as much personality as that blank white space that's apparently a background, so we really care about your romance that will go nowhere and amount to nothing that just sprung up!!
Linkara: It's sad really, after all this is over, they'll split up because of their different personalities and interests.... But at least they'll always have terrorism.
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, after a caricature of Obama, we see a presumably Muslim man beat his wife for no reason. Nope, this is totally about terrorism and not Frank's own deep-seated issues. So, back to the plot, or rather this low-fat imitation plot we've been served, the two arrive at "The Oldest Mosque in Empire City," which The Fixer is sure to let us know that it was paid for by the Saudis and is really huge and mysterious. Without any cops or soldiers around, you'd think the National Guard would have arrived by this point, or does Frank assume that the military is controlled by the local police too, just to build on his evergrowing list of things he doesn't actually understand, it's up to the two of them to stop Al Qaeda.
Stack: You'd think the police choppers would be swarming like hornets.
Fixer: That'd be profiling. So we watch them from space.
Linkara (v/o): I--- What? And then he calls someone he only identifies as "general" and says to aim one of their "pea shooters" at Empire City. Natalie asks who he called.
Fixer: Someone who doesn't command orbiting laser cannons that don't exist.
(Cut to a clip from Highlander: The Source.)
Methos: Or that could just be an orbital wobble.
Stack: You're telling me you're going to blast a mosque with a laser from outer space?
Fixer: I don't know. I'm exploring options.
(Cut to Linkara looking quite depressed. He pauses for a minute and turns to his left.)
Linkara: Hmm? No, Beppo the Invisible Monkey, I have not gone insane yet ...But I think I soon will.
Linkara (v/o): He sends Natalie inside to get intel, telling her to get something to hide her face.
Stack: You sure as hell better watch my back.
Fixer: There's no back I'd rather watch.
Linkara: TIME AND PLACE, ASSHOLE!!
Linkara (v/o): Also, giant snail. Probably just a statue, but maybe this is actually all part of a spiral curse from "Uzamaki". It'd explain a whole lot. And Natalie, where did you get that trapeze line? Why do you look so bored?
(clip from MST3K, episode: "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank")
Mike: Isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm like, sleeping right now too?
Servo and Fingal: Yeah.
Linkara (v/o): So she mugs a random woman and takes her full body concealing attire.
Stack: The night wind blows away seven centuries.
Linkara: The hell does that even--(just gives up) You know what, I don't care.
Linkara (v/o): To make a long--well, not really that long, since all this comic's story is in its final act--To make a short, but dull story even shorter, she makes her way down farther in the mosque that anyone ever thought was there. It turns out there's some kind of ancient underground city below sea level that Al-Qaeda has taken over, and populated with hundreds of fully armed soldiers. None of whom are wearing helmets, just all the bandages, but why would we expect things to make sense after ancient underground city underneath a mosque?! Actually, there are helmets, specifically Spartan helmets littering the place. I'd say it was just Frank being cute and referencing 300, but I don't think he's that clever.
Stack: Archeologists have only been able to shake their heads, bewildered by its ornaments, its architecture. Some say it was built by a race of madmen.
Linkara: I sincerely doubt that, since this is the first legitimately detailed background we've had in the entire damn comic!
Linkara (v/o): Ohhhh, and a big lake of Pepto-Bismol. I don't get it. Also, some guy with a white beard. He's apparently Irish, according to the comic, but given Frank's prior experience writing Irish characters, or rather Irish ninja Black Canary, I'm not exactly sold on this. Also, he calls the terrorists "sand monkeys". Guess everyone is racist today. The Irish guy sees through Natalie's fake accent right away, but doesn't care. Because I guess he's an idiot! But he's especially one, because he outlined Al-Qaeda's entire plan: that they smuggled components from 37 countries, and assembled this giant device. Extensively some kind of a large bomb.
Irish Guy: I just now got the whole works put together, and a fine piece of folderal she is. But damn those Russkies to hell's own belly. From thirty seven countries they smuggle the components - thirty seven, no less - and not a soul among them's got the god-given wits to see they're reading their blessed blueprints upside down. So upside down she is.
Linkara: The hell does THAT mean?! If YOU assembled it, doesn't that mean YOU put it together upside down?! And--it's just upside down blueprints, if it came shipped that way, then turn it right side up!!
Stack: Listening to this man makes my brain hurt.
Linkara: You and me both! WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING NOW?!!
Linkara (v/o): The woman Natalie stole the clothes from was supposed to be carrying a trigger for the device, but naturally she doesn't have it. With no other choice, she has to reveal herself, but here's this stupidity for you:
Stack: They look at murder like they're giving with a mitzvah. They get their rocks off giving their own death a big, wet French kiss. But they're still scared of girls. I give the boys a nano-second of fishnet shock.
Linkara: Aaaand then they immediately detain her or shoot her, right? Because they're not stupid and that's not the purpose of the face and body concealing clothes!
Linkara (v/o): No, they just look in shock, which allows Natalie to kill the Irish guy with boot to the head, then evade the gunfire of the soldiers (pauses) Wait, is that a T-Rex? The hell? Um, and then she dives into the pink, and the rest of the page and the following one...are all in pink.
Linkara: (distraught) Oh, my God...it's finally happened. This is what happens WHEN THERE'S TOO MUCH PINK ENERGY!! THIS IS WHY TOO MUCH PINK ENERGY IS DANGEROUS!!
Stack: Give my regards to those 72 black-eyed virgins, you son of a bitch.
Linkara: It's really hard for me to muster up any more contempt for this book and its writer than I already have. Plus, it's really hard for me to be snarky about any of this, when the entire battle is being waged in pink lemonade.
Future Linkara: Three...two...one, okay, it's time for the commercials. I should know - I'm from the future.
Future Linkara: Five...four--wait a second, you guys are back early! I'll have to figure out what that means for the space-time continuum...
Linkara (v/o): They quickly capture Natalie and--what the hell...? They tied her up in Japanese rope bondage?! I, I don't--WHAT?! Oh, this is what I meant earlier, sexualized Natalie Stack in rope bondage as a hostage waiting for the Fixer to rescue her. Of course! Oh, and it's finally time to meet the leader of the operation. The grand puppeteer who has manipulated the police commissioner, destroyed a large statue, organized jets and invasio--(unable to continue as he starts breaking down laughing)--and what the hell is that?!! Ahaha! His entire body is covered in beads except for his mouth! And those beads are underneath his robe and turban! This guy actually dressed himself like this! He CHOSE to put this stuff on!
(cut to clip from MST3K, episode: "The Undead")
Mike: There. Sure glad I don't look stupid in this.
Linkara (v/o): Wait, wait, wait a second, I know exactly what's going on here, he's using the vibrating heat suit from Jimmy Tango's Fatbusters!
(cut to a clip of that, with Will Ferrell playing a male client wearing the suit)
Will Ferrell: I'm taking those speed pills of yours, and I'm wearing the vibrating heat beads! And by "Riding your Snake", not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I'm the DEVIL!!
Linkara (v/o): Oh, dear lord, this artwork is so awful! Look how tiny this guy is compared to Natalie Stack and the other terrorists! Apparently the leader of Al-Qaeda hails from the land of elves! Oh, and the absolute cherry on top of this sundae is the dialogue.
Terrorist Leader: Not all of us around here have a problem with English, my curvy young infidel.
Linkara: And not all of you have a problem with being a lecherous weirdo, you short beady...weirdo.
Terrorist Leader: And as my unfortunate Irish colleague demonstrates, our recruits aren't limited to those from the middle east--
Linkara: Um, by his own emission, he wasn't a recruit. You guys were paying him to build your bomb.
Terrorist Leader: And no, I didn't keep you alive just to gloat.
Linkara: It was also to leer at you. Also main character shields.
Terrorist Leader: Your beheading will make a bitch of a video. Maybe we'll do you nude, that'd put the fear of Allah in you.
Linkara: Are...are you real? Are you really what Frank Miller thinks the leadership of Al-Qaeda is like? (beat) That's adorable.
Terrorist Leader: Okay, alright, I'll gloat. You westerners slay me with your own naivete. We come right out and call ourselves Al-Qaeda--the cell--and you don't stop to consider what that means.
Linkara: You're big fans of that Jennifer Lopez sci-fi movie?
Linkara (v/o): And here's where we get the "Frank Miller paranoid rambles and conspiracy theories":
Terrorist Leader: We're scarcely a microbe--a speck, a tiny part of an organism so vast as to be beyond belief. Were I utterly at your mercy right this minute, bloody, beaten, sniveling like a baby, ready to tell you everything--even I could only provide the vaguest hint of the organization's size--or its true purpose.
Linkara: "True purpose"? What, are you actually aliens intent on using us as cattle? Al-Qaeda's been pretty clear about their "true purpose" the whole time!
Linkara (v/o): And apparently, they got the trigger they wanted anyway, so they ready their bomb. Except then silly-Al-Qaeda-leader-bead-man gets his arm blown off, as do the heads of the Muslim mummies. The Fixer comes swinging in wielding twin guns, some...kind of rocket cannon on his back, and a puke green face shield. After setting off some grenades, he slaps a green face mask on Natalie, and fires the big cannon at the bomb. We don't see it, but Natalie narrates to us as the terrorists who are still alive begin vomiting their own intestines and disintegrate. The bomb that Al-Qaeda was planning to detonate was some kind of chemical weapon. And so our comic ends six weeks later with Dan Donegal waking up from a nightmare of another nail explosion. Aaaand it's just describing how the city is kinda quiet, some people coughing and people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder.
Dan Donegal: No wonder we call it terror.
(Goofy font suddenly appears reading the following:)
Linkara (v/o): DUH END!
Linkara: This comic sucks! Sucks! Sucks! Sucks! SUCKS-SUCKS-SUCKS-SUCKS-SUCKS-SUUUUUCKS!!!!! (very long beat.) Sucks.
Linkara (v/o): Let's put aside the bigotry at full force here, the inaccuracies about Islam, and the horrible opinions of its critically-acclaimed writer and artist for the moment. I think I've gone over all of that in wonderful detail throughout this whole lengthy review. No, let's instead talk about everything else that's wrong with it. The writing is dreadful. There's no characterization here. People say words, but they're all plot-related stuff. The Fixer is a non-entity, same for Natalie Stack. They exist solely to beat up terrorists and talk about how awesome they are and how terrorists are assholes. That's it. Hell, why did this thing even end with Dan Donegal? He was in the story for like three or four pages before that ending. The plot itself is as weak as I'll get out: Terrorists attack, the two kill the remaining terrorists. That's all! And that leads me to a HUGE problem with the thing: the pacing. Over half of the book is dedicated to our "heroes" chasing each other, then the terrorists attack, and then them deciding to stop the terrorists. It takes us TWO-THIRDS of the way into the book before the two get their first clue, which ends up being a dud anyway to lead in to an action scene. It's only in the last third of the book that the plot actually gets around to moving forward and even then it's full of utter ridiculousness. Why the David guy? What purpose did he serve in the story? Why does he have The Star of David painted on his face? Why does he have two twin Asian assassins working for him? Why didn't the mosque have any guards or security systems to alert them of Natalie's presence? What was the deal with the bomb being upside-down? Why did Al-Qaeda need to subcontract some Irish guy to build their bomb? Don't they know how to make bombs? In fact, I'd assume that they were kind of experts on the subject. Why the conspiracy theory nonsense about Al-Qaeda being some huge leviathan organization with hidden motives beyond what we see? Frank Miller's always going on about how we need to deal with our big enemy Al-Qaeda and how America is too lazy and stupid to deal with them. So, why make up crap that will only alienate people from your cause? What the hell was the deal with that Al-Qaeda leader?
(Cut to clip from Batman Forever)
Bruce: It just raises too many questions.
Linkara (v/o): And then, there's the ART, the godawful, confusing, lazy ART! In a few spots, Frank Miller's legendary use of negative space is fine, but, most of the time, this book looks dreadful. People don't look like people, or are just bent in bizarre ways. There aren't any backgrounds, just blank white or black. The attempts of depicting weather just make everything look muddied and confused. Half the book is just splash pages, while other pages have far more panels than they need. And the splashes of color we DO get seem almost randomly placed with no rhyme or reason. Speaking of random, interludes featuring talking heads that don't talk, resulting in no context or sense behind their inclusion other than the fact that this was a politically charged book, so here are some politicians. And that, of course, brings us to the politics, the AWFUL politics of this book. It is a comic completely ungrounded in anything resembling reality, but not in a fun kind of way that a superhero comic should be. The Fixer is a racist bigoted individual who gladly tortures, kills, and mutilates his enemies with impunity. Al-Qaeda is not a guerilla terrorist faction, but some kind of massive organization employing apparently every Muslim under the sun to kill all those who would be innocent and kind and we are equally justified as treating them as sub-human. There is no chance for redemption or rehabilitation. There is no GOOD Muslim. They're either misguided victims, like the out-of-nowhere sequence where a woman is being beaten by presumably her husband, or they are mass murderers like Amina the exchange student or any of the other dozens of nameless terrorists encountered in this story. They're all stereotypes. And in the end, what is accomplished? Insulting a BILLION people for their religion, a story about a killer who murders other killers with NO personality of backstory, and a guy waking up from a nightmare because TERRORISM! THAT'S ALL!!!
Linkara: This book is a testament to four things:
(cut to a clip from the Twilight Zone, episode: Deaths-Head Revisited)
Narrator: Human slaughter, torture, misery, and anguish.
Linkara: It is the nail in the coffin for Frank Miller's career in mainstream comics. He said recently that he wants to work at Marvel and do Captain America, but even Marvel has laughed off that idea, because of this trash. And yes, it is trash.
(Linkara then stands up, sighs and goes out of character)
Linkara: Let me make something clear here in relation to the tagline of this show: "where bad comics burn". I am an advocate of free speech. I do not deny Frank Miller's right to publish this...thing, nor do I deny others the right to purchase it if they so choose. However...this copy belongs to me. It is my property. And I have decided...that I do not want it in my home any longer.
(Linkara then goes outside, and slams Holy Terror over his knee, bending it in half. He then uses a lighter to burn the comic and carefully places it in a can, and the camera focuses on the comic burning to ash. Fade to Linkara entering at his apartment. A mysterious man with golden vest, a goatee, and magic gun beams from nothing. They both point their guns at each other.)
Linkara: What the?
Mirrorkara: Ugh, it's me! Only less handsome.
Linkara: Who the hell are you? And why do you look like me, only with a stupid evil mirror universe goatee... ohh...
Mirrorkara: Yes, Linkara! I am you! But from another universe!
Linkara: Are you the one from the universe that Iron Liz visited a few years ago?
Mirrorkara: Indeed, I am! A transposition had taken place. Where is Iron Liz, anyway? I wish to gain my vengeance!
(Iron Liz enters the apartment with a rifle on her arm)
Iron Liz: Hey Linkara, I think I tracked down Judas Liz, can I bor ... (notices Linkara and Mirrorkara in the room) You're in the middle of something. I'll catch you later. (She leaves)
Linkara: She's around. She's just doing her own thing.
Mirrorkara: Well, I'll deal with her soon enough. But we seem to be at an impasse ourselves.
Linkara: What the hell are you doing here? Wait. Is your beard painted on?
Mirrorkara: Ugh. It's a long story involving Snowflame and some ice cream cake, but it's not important right now. The Iron Liz of your universe convinced the Dr. Insano of my universe to use my spaceship to keep me from conquering the world! Ever since then, I've been on the run. I figured that I'd try my luck outside my own universe.
Linkara: What the hell is it with alternate universe versions of me wanting to kick my ass? Did I miss a meeting?
Linkara: At this rate, Lord Vyce is gonna be revealed as an alternate me or something.
Mirrorkara: Be Quiet! I will give you one chance, Linkara. Join me and together we can rule this world.
Linkara: Not interested.
Mirrorkara: Be sure. There must be something that you want. You want credits? You'll be a rich man. What is it that will buy you? Power? I can get that for you!
Linkara: An answer to a question would be a good start. You've got a magic gun, Where'd you purchase that?
Mirrorkara: It's a weapon, forged by a demonic cult intent on spreading the word of their god. It destroyed the fools and found it's way into my possession.
(A virgin appears from behind Linkara wearing a crown of purple flowers)
Girl: And in this Mirror Universe of yours, was there a girl who was sacrificed by that cult, bored out of hatred and pain?
Mirror Girl: Hatred and pain? (laughs) You stupid little girl, I volunteered.
Virgin: You can shoot them now.
Linkara: (impatient) Shooting.
(The two Linkaras shoot red and green laser projectiles at each other. Linkara hides behind the wall near the kitchen. Mirror Universe Linkara continues firing.)
Linkara: Did you realize that you have like no room for cover right? I opened up a living room a while ago.
Mirrorkara: Really? Because there's a table right here. But then again, who needs cover when you've got superior technology. (pulls out a contraption) I did not come here unprepared, Linkara! Behold! The wonders of the arsenal oppression!
(Mirrorkara pushes a button on his device, causing Linkara's magic gun to glow)
Linkara: Nimue! Analysis
Nimue: Information: The device is similar in function to an anti-magic field generator. However, it's oppression method requires a brief amount of time to analyze and adapt.
Linkara: So, you're saying that I need to change up whatever I'm fighting with every minute or so.
Linkara: (sly) Ohhh okay, am I gonna have some fun.
(Pulls out his Gosei Power Releasement Vessel Tensouder)
Mirrorkara: Come out, Linkara! I have you cornered and disarmed!
Linkara: Hardly. Six years and three hundred episodes, I have not been idle.
(Linkara slips a card into the morpher's drawer. Lightning strikes as he shuts the drawer and changes into his Zeo suit. Mirrorkara gets ready to fires, before Linkara shoots him. Mirrorkara dodges the projectile, hides bedind the table and fires back, hitting Linkara in the chest. Linkara nevertheless gets up and prepares to fire. Mirrorkara ducks behind the table. During his preparation, Linkara's laser gun shifts back into the Magic Gun.)
Linkara: So soon? Alright. (pulls out his device again) Let's change it up!
(Linkara changes into Captain Linkara carrying a white CPS 2000 Mark 1. Mirrorkara gets back up from the table.)
Mirrorkara: A-ha! (scared) Oh poop.
(Mirrorkara hides behind the table again. Captain Linkara fires while singing.)
Captain Linkara: 'Cause I got a brand new combine harvester and I'll give you the key/ dun duh-dun dun-dun dun/ Come on now, let's get together in perfect harmony/ I got 20 acres and you got 43/ Now I got a brand new combine harvester and I'll give you the key. (Captain Linkara discovers another card in his pocket.) Hmm. (He goes to the other side of the apartment to change. Mirrorkara prepares to fire but gazes in confusion at the new transformation.)
Linkara: Technically, I never got a chance to use this before, but BETTER LATE THAN NEVER! (He shoots his sonic screwdriver at Mirrorkara, who dodges to the other side of the table. Both Linkaras fire at each other as Linkara hides behind the wall. During which, Linkara, now open to attack, uses the sonic screwdriver on the enemy but it runs out of juice.) Well, that's just peachy. (He gazes at another card.)
Mirrorkara: Would you stop cosplaying already and fight me, you shrill hobo?!
Linkara: Funny you should mention that. (He changes into another outfit. He now is armed with a duel disk and wearing a blue coat similar to that of the Yu-Gi-Oh GX Universe)
Linkara: I really love this coat.
(Mirrorkara fires many shots at Linkara. However, Linkara uses his duel disk to draw a card and freeze the laser fire. Mirrorkara gazes in confusion.)
Linkara: What a pity. You activated my trap card.
(Linkara turns over the card he drew and deflects the green ammunition and backfiring at Mirrorkara, who dodges the missiles)
Mirrorkara: You are such a dork! Such a child!! Acting out some kind of a power fantasy!!
(The second after he gives that comeback, Linkara transforms once again, morphing into Ensign Munro.)
Munro: I prefer to think of it as sound strategy.
Mirrorkara: You're just as ego-maniacal as I am!! We're not that different!!
Munro: Hell, I'm a primadonna! I admit it!!
(Munro fires with his magic gun. Of course, Mirrorkara dodges in the table again.)
Munro: I've been through a hell of a journey these last 300 episodes.
(Munro, or rather Linkara, transforms again and this time morphs into his Pokemon trainer outfit.)
Linkara: I've been forced to see some awful things: some arriving at my apartment and some just trying to bring me down for fun, (he pulls a PokeBall from his pocket) but because of all the things I've seen, all the people I've met, for good or for ill, I've become better. My monsters though... they stay monsters. PYRAMID HEAD, I CHOSE YOU!!
(Linkara throws the PokeBall toward the ground and Pyramid Head emerges. It slams its sword against the table, but Mirrorkara runs off. Linkara then places another card on his morpher and transforms into his classic outfit, during which Mirrorkara continues to fight Pyramid Head. Linkara twirls his head up to his head.)
Linkara: It hasn't been easy. A few times since I started I wanted to give up.
(Cut to Mirrorkara circling around and still firing at Pyramid Head, who remains perfectly still)
Linkara: But I've met a lot of amazing people: loved ones, colleagues, friends, oh most especially my friends. (Looks at the camera) Friends, you have been the most amazing of all. (to Mirrorkara) Thanks to them, I didn't end up like you. (He twirls around with his magic gun and walks offscreen)
(Mirrorkara falls down, cornered by Pyramid Head, who slams the blade toward his midsection. It misses. Pyramid Head makes one last move before Linkara returns it to the PokeBall. Mirrorkara still covering and protecting himself in fear gets his magic gun knocked out by a sword. He looks up and sees Linkara dressed as King Arthur.)
Linkara: The device, if you would be so kind.
(Mirrorkara does so, tossing it aside, allowing Linkara to destroy it with his magic gun. He takes on his final form, back to his regular outfit with the overcoat)
Linkara: Welcome to Atop the Fourth Wall, where bad comics burn, good comics are praised, and ignorance and hatred are unwelcomed. Now, take your gun and go back where you came from.
(Mirrorkara gets up from the corner. Cut to the girls fighting each other. The real girl is head-nuking the Mirror girl.)
Mirror Girl: Why do you wear that stupid Crown thing anyway?
Girl: I get bored, I go on Tumblr, shoot me.
Mirror Girl: You’re the real evil one.
Girl: Yeah, yeah, get the hell out of my universe, you big baby.
(The Girl lets go of Mirror Girl as she runs toward Mirrorkara)
Mirror Girl: You really suck at this.
Mirrorkara: We'll talk about this later. Mark my words, Linkara. You have not seen the last of me--
Linkara: Nimue, have you finished accessing his dimensional transporter?
Linkara: Take his ass back.
(Mirrorkara and Mirror Girl suddenly beam out of existence)
Linkara: And assuming that while you were in there, you made sure to fuse the circuitry so he can't just beam into another world.
Linkara: Thank you, Nimue. (addressing the camera) And thanks to all of you for sticking with this little silly comic show for 300 episodes. Here's to the next 300.
(Cut to a glowing red page with nails scattered around)
Linkara: Dear lord, this is actually the back inside cover of the book and the nails are still traveling outward from the initial explosion! WHEN WILL THEY END!!!
(Another stinger; a blooper sort of thing)
Futurkara: Bye... Bye.
(Pollo's head nearly falls over and collapses. Futurkara pats it on the head.)
Linkara: (offscreen) The funniest thing actually about the head falling, it's kind of like, "Oh my god, what are you doing?"