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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 31 (January 3, 2009)


(Ask ThatGuy is reading his book and smoking his pipe in his usual location, now adorned with Christmas decor. He looks up when he sees the camera.)

Ask ThatGuy: Oh, (closes his book) "hello" in a language you've never heard of and won't bother to look up. Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to AskThatGuyWithTheGlasses.

(Title Card and music)

Narrator: What took you this long to make this video, anyway?

Ask ThatGuy: I've been busy, all right?! Cut me some slack!

Narrator: I'm sorry.

Ask ThatGuy: It's okay. We've all been under a lot of stress.

Narrator: Yes, but it's totally my fault.

Ask ThatGuy: No, no, it was my fault. I take full responsibility

Narrator: So how about those questions?

Ask ThatGuy: Oh, right. Well, here are the answers.

(Question #1: What killed the dinosaurs?)

User #1: Jesus did.

User #'2:' (using a cartoon still) Sarah Palin.

User #3: The Terminator.

User #4: My ass.

User #5: It was the Flintstones

User #6: (using Eric Cartman soundclip) AIDS.

User #7: It was the Power Rangers.

User #8: (Deep voice) The Ice age.

User #9: (in a Yoda head) Transformers.

User #10: (on the phone) Are you accusing me?

User #11: I'm not a doctor!

User #12: Bob Dole's very first speech.

User #13: You killed the dinosaurs. How terrible do you feel? Do you feel terrible? Good, because you killed the dinosaurs, you bastard.

User #14: (Holding shotgun) This killed the dinosaurs. And they were only the beginning

Linkara: I stole a time machine from this British guy with a long scarf, went back in time, killed the dinosaurs, skinned them, and turned them into underpants.

User 15 (AKA Somecallmejonhny of youtube): (with his brother, both in hoodies and holding a soft drink from a fast-food place) We killed the dinosaurs. As you can see, me and my brother are clearly 1000 times the size of these creatures, so we stomped them all down with a game of Let's Kill the Dinosaurs. After that, my brother Elliot crapped out a thing called Microsoft, and mankind has thrived ever since. (both say:) Yes.

User #16: (shaking Magic 8-Ball, which says:) Ask again later. (he throws it off to side and shrugs)

(Question #2: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?)

User #17: 42. (holds up four fingers)

User #18: 42-point-three, or four, maybe, kilograms.

User #19: 5.3 meters.

User #1: 17 2-x-4s.

User #20: (as a sock puppet) Six.

User #21: Sixteen-point-six... rounded down.

User #4: A lot? (shrugs)

User #2: All of it.

User #22: 88 pounds per hour.

User #23: 1.21 jiggawats.

User #12: Depends on the foreign currency exchange rate.

User #24: Hamster jelly.

User #25: (with a Southern accent, wearing a large fake mustache) Not enough to save you from a 12-gauge.

User #11: Those things don't even exist!

User #26: A woodchuck could only Chuck Jones because they are not yet strong enough to Chuck Norris.

User #27: Well, a woodchuck would chuck NO amount of wood because a woodchuck can't chuck wood.

User #28: If a woodchuck could chuck wood and the wood that a woodchuck would chuck, if the wood that a woodchuck COULD chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.

User #29: (sped-up voice showing the words) A woodchuck could chuck all the wood he could, but a woodchuck cud'n chuck (an image of Halo 2 featuring...) Chuck Norris.

User #30: He had a quarter corner considering carving classes cut costs.

User #10: Tree trillion tremendously thrown tree trunks.

User #31: (on the phone) Yes, is this the woodchuck? Um, how much would could you chuck if you could chuck wood? Eh, in about an hour. Is that in meters? Whoo, that's a lot. Ah, thanks for your help. (turns off phone) Wrong number.

(Question #3: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?)

User #27: (chuckling) Of course not. Trees can't talk.

User #14: Of course it makes a sound. It cries... because... nobody likes him.

User #20: Not so much the tree, but the woodchuck it lands on makes a pretty pathetic cry for mercy.

User #17: If there's no one there to hear it, there's no one there to CARE whether or not it makes a sound.

User #10: That's actually my girlfriend's ringtone.

User #32: (English accent) Well, I don't know. Let's ask the tree. (films a tree outside his room, voicing the tree) Nooooo. (back to him, he shrugs) There ya go.

User #33: Trees say, (we hear a censor beep as he pretends to swear for four seconds). As you can see, trees are very foul-mouthed.

User #34: (in a V for Vendetta mask): Yes, and that word is: (Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget dubbed over) "I will have your souls."

User #35: Yes?

User #30: Yes, they do. When they fall, and no one is around to hear it, they decide to sing techno remix versions of emo songs. (cut to an animated fallen tree singing along to a "techno" remix of Simple Plan's "Untitled": 'I've got nowhere to run / The night goes on as I'm fading away')

User #36: (pretends to speak and uses grand gestures but is silent for six seconds)

User #37: (in computer voice; picture of a falling tree) Yes, it does; because if no one was around, there would still be (cut to photo of Santa) hidden microphones placed by Santa Claus. Yes, Santa Claus places hidden microphones all over the world.

User #38: (as a puppet) I don't care! Seriously, wood is used to make marionettes and ventriloquist dummies; and those FREAKS are the inferior races.

User #25: Well, that's a very interesting question. Now I have one for you. If I shove my foot so far up your ass, and it comes out your mouth, where is my foot? (holds up a glass of beer) Chew on that, Mr. Philosophizer.

User #39: Shame on you for asking.

User #40: (a little kid picking his nose) Huh?

User #41: You know what? (waves us off) Just watch this. (a clip plays of a guy jumping into a wall and falling down, obviously)

User #42: (animated figure) It depends on what you mean by "no one." If there's a complete absence of any living organisms in the area, then no, it does not make a sound. However, being that the tree is in the woods, there's a whole menagerie of potential listeners: the rabbits, the deer, the birds, the mice, the wild boar, the bears, the worms, the beetles, the butterfiles... There's an audience of listeners in the woods. Even so, without anyone to listen to it, sound is all dependent on energy and vibrations in air particles. So, to answer your question, OF COURSE IT MAKES A SOUND, DIPSHIT!

(Question #4: Can you tell me how I can get back on to the freeway?)

Linkara: (laughs, then gets suddenly serious) NO!

User #17: Pick up your left foot; put it in front of your right foot. Pick up your right foot; put it in front of your left foot. Pick up your right foot again; put it in front of your left foot.

User #43: You're gonna make a right out of here, okay? Then you're gonna go south about ten minutes. You'll see a guy with a hat and hooker heels. Don't talk to him; he's a moron.

User #42: All you have to do is click your heels three tomes and say: "There's no place like the freeway."

User #33: Simple: just use public transport. It's safer, cheaper, and better for the environment. (Captain Planet voice dubbed over) The power is YOURS!

User #43: When you get to that fork in the road, you're going to see a man who always tell the truth and a man who always lies. (dissolves) Eventually, you'll fight your way through the Cave of Eternal Guano. Then Kevin Conroy will be there to greet you.

User #2: Oh, that's easy. Simply go up to the freeway, and step onto it.

User #44: Well, it depends on if the freeway wants you back.

User #3: You see, there's a difference between the words "can" and "will."

User #38: I'm a freaking puppet, man!

User #26: There IS no freeway. There is only HER way.

User #37: (image of a manilla folder marked "Confidential") That information is confidential.

User #14: (holds up a globe and points on it) All right. So, you're about somewhere here, I guess? So you got to get around these mountains...

User #39: (just stares at the camera for a few seconds. He slowly raises his right hand and then points off-screen)

User #45: With your car, dumbass.

User 15 (AKA Somecallmejonhny of youtube): We figured we'd let the Burger King tell you. (cut to the King in front of a door; close-up of him bringing out a BK burger on a plate from inside his robe. Cut to the King offering it to us. Back to the guys, the one chuckles) That's his answer for everything.

User #43: You're gonna make another right at Albuquerque... (dissolve) And THEN you've reached the ocean.

User #23: Yes, for a Klondike bar.

(Question #5: What would you do for a Klondike bar?)

User #23: I would tell you how to get back onto the freeway.

User 15 (AKA Somecallmejonhny of youtube): (and Elliot) Kill more dinosaurs.

User #43: I would club a Klondike cub to claim a Klondike bar. And eat the cub first.

User #12: This is a family video. I can't show you that.

User #44: I would do this: (in fast motion, he repeatedly slaps himself silly in the face, with dubbed crying)

User #46: Your mom.

User #3: I'd dance. (he does a silly dance to some music)

User #32: Can I get the Klondike bar in advance?

User #20: Anal sex.

User #47: (an animated clip by TVsKyle that was actually meant for the Klondike Bar Contest of 2008; the guy sings) I would kayak to Kentucky with the kiwis that I've kissed! / I would lasso every llama on my Lima llama list!

User #10: Well, if you ask me, I would do enough for a bar full of Klondikes. Sounds great to me.

User #4: I would lick... a Samoan. (beat) Hold on. (cut to another guy in a kitchen about to eat a Klondike; User #4 runs right up to him) Hi. (he then does indeed lick him)

Samoan: EWWW! What the- (as he wipes off the saliva, User #4 takes the Klondike and runs away) HEY!! (runs after him)

User #47: (more singing) I’d offend an orange ogre and an overactive orc! / I would navigate to Neptune with a ninja from New York!

User #48: (English accent, holding a Laptop) What the fuck is a Klondike bar? You Americans and your culture references I don't get. [It] leads me having to go to my reliable data source in order to help answer your question. (presses a key on the laptop)

User #48 Laptop: (in female computer voice, American accent) Klondike is a brand name for a dessert generally consisting of a vanilla ice-cream square, coated with a thin layer of chocolate-flavored coating.

User #48: Well to answer your question, I would have to say that... I would do what every normal person would do in a situation like this: I would torture a kitten until the people holding these hallowed Klondike bars would give me one.

User #48 Laptop: But they are purchasable in any food store.

User #48: Shut up, you.

User #48 Laptop: Fuck you.

User #47: (more singing) I would disco dance in diapers with the duchess of Daytona! / I’d inhabit icy igloos on the island of Iona!

User #13: I'd do ANYTHING for a Klondike bar... but I won't do that.

User #44: (fast-motion, he hits himself on the head with something, still crying)

User #37: (pic of a guy in a fake robot costume) I am a robot. Robots don't eat, so I don't eat. The average human, (pic of some exorcism ritual going on) however, would probably sacrifice his friends.

Paw: (dressed smartly, wearing a bowler) You have one, don't you? So the question now becomes: (brings a baseball bat to his shoulder) What would I do to YOU if you don't give me that Klondike bar (walks up to the camera) you've been taunting me with? (we hear static; cut to color-bars screen)

User #49: I'd do this: (does something weird with his face)

User #39: (slices his neck with something; CGI blood spurts out everywhere)

User #9: Things that are often frowned upon in public society.

User #50: I usually never have to do anything. (leans in to the camera) I MAKE people get them for me.

User #51: I don't know what I'd do for a Klondike bar. Probably, sp- (a gun comes into view from off-screen, amied at his head; the trigger is pulled and a shot is heard. User #51 collapses. User #51 re-enters, wearing different clothing) I'd KILL Myself for a Klondike bar.

User #52: I would do... Courtney Love. (cut to a photo of Ms. Love) AAARRRGGGHHH!!! (cut to User #52 laying in an empty bathtub in the fetal position, eating a Klondike)

User #44: (more slapping until he slaps himself out of shot; regular speed with him massaging his jaw) By the way, what is a Klondike bar?

User #47: (more singing) I would kayak to Kentucky with the kiwis that I've kissed! / I’d tell everyone on Earth that I’m excited to exist!

User #47 Other Animated Figure: (stammering) R-r-r-really? Cuz... I-I, I dunno. I would just buy one.

User #47: Hmph. Well, to each their own, I suppose.

Ask ThatGuy: Thanks to most of you for sumbitting your answers. (pause) MOST of you. / Some of you just scare me. / And the fact that you know who I am scares me even more. / And remember, if some of your answers didn't make it in this contest, (pauses) it's because you were HORRIBLE. / you shouldn't be answering ANY questions, / or you were just too ugly to make it on screen. / Or I just didn't like you. / Either way, thank you for submitting; and remember: "There's no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU answer it." (winks and goes back to reading his book and smoking his pipe. But we don't cut away. After a few seconds, he looks up at us) Look. (he shows us what exactly he's been looking at in the book: a old painting of a topless woman whose nippled is covered by her arm) Boobies! (has that pervy glare)

THE END by That Guy With The Glasses [At the bottom, it reads: "THANK YOU EVERYBODY FOR YOUR ANSWERS!"]

(after six-or-so seconds, we get a:) BONUS ANSWER!

User #53: (he apparently has shaving cream on his head) Okay, um... (tries to scratch an itch on his face, but his hand is covered in cream) okay, you take a left. And you go up on Bridgeport Avenue, and then you should be able to get back on the freeway. (he then rubs his cheeks with cream) There. I've answered your questions. (makes a weird noise as he rubs his face some more. He stops and then waves goodbye to the camera. He then still rubs some more and then gets up and leaves. Slow fade-out)

Caption reads: "??????" [my thoughts exactly - ed.]

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