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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 35 (April 19, 2009)
That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.
That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Kumusta ka? [informal Filipino/Tagalog for "How are you?" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses .
Opening introduction with piano music playing.
Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): There is a dead deer in front of my driveway. What should I do with it?
That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. I would say: sacrifice it to your god. / [indicates a jump cut] What's that? You don't HAVE a god to sacrifice it to? Then, make one up. / My god is actualy a salmon, and I worship him every day. / (cut to a Photoshopped image of Jesus - I assume - with a fish head superimposed over His head) It's a wonderful religion I've devised. / (back to That Guy) For as the story goes, when the people were hungry, the salmon multiplied several loaves of bread and tiny, little Jesuses. / That way, everybody had a Jesus to eat. / And, as we all know, there is nothing better in this world than a delicious Jesus... / or, as I like to call it, "DelishiJesus". / Yes.
Narrator: What's your favorite color?
That Guy: Five.
Narrator: Will you marry me?
That Guy: I'm sorry to say that I'm already married to somebody. Myjob. / And I don't mean that as some sort of abstract joke. I'm LITERALLY married to an Indonesian person named Myjob. / He's about yay-high (indicates height with his left hand, about neck-high) and has six fingers... on his feet. / (raises his eyebrows) Kinky.
Narrator: I was found outside your house naked. Should I get myself checked?
That Guy: Yyyyyyyyyeah, (nods) you should probably do that. / And I do apologize to you, madam or sir. / But when you're married to an Indonesian who's this tall (indicates height again) and has six fingers on his feet, you tend to get a little desperate. / (raises eyebrows again) Sssssaucy.
Narrator: Soup or salad?
That Guy: Did you say, "Super Salad"? I LOVE that superhero. He's one of my favorites. / (cut to an image of Superman standing in front of an American flag; in place of his head is a plate of salad - likely from a chain restaurant. Cut back to That Guy with eyes and brows raised in a VERY happy face, almost orgasmic)
Narrator: If I asked you a question, would you answer it?
That Guy: Absolutely not. / (looks up) Wait. By saying "no", I actually answered your question; so... (back at camera) absolutely not. / Idiot.
Narrator: Do you dance like crazy when no one is looking?
That Guy: Let's find out. (That Guy walks to the camera and moves it to his right. We then hear about 7 seconds of "rave" music) [Actually, the Pump Panel Reconstruction Mix of New Order's "Confusion", if you're scoring at home - ed.] (When the "rave" ends, the normal music resumes; and That Guy pans the camera back) No.
Narrator: When I saw two birds on top of each other, my mom and dad said they were hugging. Is this true?
That Guy: Well, now, THIS question all depends on how old you are. / If you were, say, over the age of 13, I would probably say, "No. They are not hugging. They are having sex. / Sex is the physical act of love-making, which the male [Grammar, Doug - ed.] inserts his penis into the female's vagina. / They do this until one of them or both of them (uses air quotes) climaxes or orgasms. / And, quite often, that results in a beautiful baby. / AND if you were under the age of 13, I would say, "No, you idiot. They're fucking. / (does a "Duh!" gesture with his left hand on his forehead) You must be a little asshole."
Narrator: Can I borrow $50?
That Guy: Only in exchange for your immortal soul. / You see, I actually collect souls and keep them confined under my robe. (he opens his robe a bit with his left hand. We hear the "souls" overdubbed. There are at least four, all in different pitches: one of them screams; one has a low, ghoulish tone; and the other two are saying... stuff. That Guy closes his robe, and the voices stop. That Guy raises his eyebrows quickly for good measure)
Narrator: How can I stop myself from procrastinating?
That Guy: I'll tell you tomorrow. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)
|Ask That Guy With the Glasses Transcripts|
|2008:||1 · 1.5 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 4.3 · 4.6 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30|
|2009:||31 · 31.1 · 31.2 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · Announcement · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46|
|2010:||47 · 48 · 49 · Ask That Guy VIOLATES Ma-Ti · 50 · 51 · 52 · 53 · 54 · 55 · 56 · 57|
|2011:||58 · 59 · 60 · 61 · 62 · 63 · 64 · 65 · 66|
|2012:||Live at Kami-Con · 67 · 68 · 69|
|DVD Exclusives:||Best of TGWTG Vol. 1 - AskThatGuy Ep. 1 · Best of TGWTG Vol. 1 - AskThatGuy Ep. 2 · AskThatGuy: Kickassia Edition · Best of TGWTG Vol. 2 - AskThatGuy Episode · Best of TGWTG Vol. 4 - Continuation of Ep. 69|