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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 36 (May 29, 2009)

That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Ahoy-oy! [may be Slovak. HELP!- ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses .

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): If SpongeBob Squarepants was a woman, would his boobs be called cubes?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. Actually, no. They would still be called "boobs." They would just be called... "Spongeboobs." / [indicates a jump cut] And thus, his name would be changed to Spongeboob Squarepants. / (points pipe at camera) In fact, they should do that to increase their viewership. / Have Spongebob go in to have a sex change, / cut off his square penis and replace it with a square vagina, / and have him walk around having conversations about who's TRULY spongeworthy. / But you don't have to call him Spongeboob Squarepants if you don't want to. / There's PLENTY of other names you can call him: / like "SpongeBRA Squarepants," / "SpongeBOX Sqaurepants," / or Vanessa. (pauses) Because that's a nice name. / I just farted.


Narrator: My toaster asked me to stick my hand in it while it was still hot. What should I do?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Have you thought about consulting the microwave? / Microwaves are often VERY intelligent. / I know a microwave who just graduated from Harvard. / (looks up, almost disgusted) Or at least he would if he didn't fall in love with that blender. / (Points pipe at camera) Never trust blenders, people. (pauses) They are sluts. / And especially don't try to make LOVE to a blender. / (leans in a little) Because when you try to turn it on, ...you'll regret it. / (hesitantly with mouth quivering) My penis looks like Kibbles 'n Bits. (looking worried, he smokes while staring down off-screen)

Narrator: Why did Jack go up the hill with Jill since he had a crown and was so obviously a king? Why didn't he just get a servant to go up the hill with Jill and get the water?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Because Jack was having an affair with Jill, / and on the hill was the only place where they could do it and not get caught. / And, actually, "Fetch a pail of water" is really the CODE phrase for... "Let's fuck like monkeys." / Think about it. If I said the phrase like this: / "Let's go fetch a pail of water." / You wouldn't think anything of it, but if I said it like this: / (standing closer to the camera and smiling, with the standard erotic music playing, he nods and speaks in a deeper and obviously-altered tone) "Let's go fetch a pail of water." (gives a small smooch) / You would be like, "Hey. THIS person wants to make love." / Very horny love. / (whispers) The best kind. (holds still a few seconds then briefly raises his eyebrows)

Narrator: What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

That Guy: Batman hangs the Joker upside down, and they talk ethics. / I know that doesn't SOUND right, but I saw it in a movie somewhere. / (looks up for a bit) Terms of Endearment, I believe it was. / Yes.

Narrator: How do you ask a question that will be on your show?

That Guy: You just did it, asshole. Next!

Narrator: Can you see me?

That Guy: (chuckles) I can see you ALL. / I see you when you're sleeping. / I know when you're awake. / I know if you've been bad or good. / (in an altered, deeper, and demonic demeanor; PLUS closer to the camera) SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE! / OR I WILL DESTROY YOU! (finishes with a horrifying look) / (back in his normal position, he laughs for a bit, suddenly stops, and swtiches his facial expression to one of surprise)

Narrator: Yesterday, I planned to go to Africa; but my trip was canceled. Where is the god damn question?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Have you tried looking behind the fridge? / I find whenever I lose something, it's often behind the fridge. / One time, I looked behind the fridge; and I found Amelia Earhart, Bigfoot, and Jimmy Hoffa. / (chuckle) And I slaughtered the lot / because they asked me why they were tied up and behind my fridge. / (chuckles) I get so tired of answering that question, so I KILL things. (pauses) People, usually. / (looks up) I tell a lie. (at camera) ALWAYS. / Drink your milk.

Narrator: I found a cat with whipped cream at the mouth. Should I keep it?

That Guy: I'd say that's the only sensible thing to do. / After all, if he has whipped cream at the mouth, that CAN'T be incredibly healthy for him. / But you know what makes cats like that feel better? Kisses. LOTS and LOTS of kisses. / And if he starts scratching or biting at you, that just means he wants to be kissed more. / (chuckle) I've known so many people who've kissed their animals who've had whipped cream at the mouth. / And, for some reason, they all died. / (looks up a bit) I THINK it was the swine flu. That stuff is dangerous. (raises his eyebrows)

Narrator: Are you my conscience?

That Guy: (looks to his right, formulating) Yes. / And right now, your conscience wants you to take ALL your money and give it to me. / Why? Because your conscience said so; / and your conscience is always right. / Remember the song that damn cricket sang: / "The Circle of Life." / THAT'S what it's all about. / That and money, / which you will give me at once / so that I can buy you and own you forever. / And I will be happy. / (hushed tone) And rich. / (smiles and raises his brows again)

Narrator: How could you type with boxing gloves on?

That Guy: Indeed. How could you? (pauses, then in an angry voice:) HOW COULD YOU? / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)

THE END


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