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Ask ThatGuy Episode 4 (June 22, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, bonjour! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: There's seagulls at the top of my school and they are beginning to become quite a disturbance because they attack people. What can I do to make them disappear?

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. The best thing to do is grab the complete recordings of Icelandic sensation Bjork. As we all know seagulls are terrified of Icelandic sensation Bjork. Play some of that music at the top of your school and they will fall happily to their deaths. The only downside to this is some of the smaller seagulls heads may actually explode. Which will make clean up quite a nuisance. But not nearly as big a nuisance as listening to Icelandic sensation Bjork. Not that she’s not talented, gifted or incredibly beautiful. It’s just that she’s from Iceland and I’m terribly racist. Oh my, yes, incredibly racist!

Narrator: Are pigeons emo or goth?

ThatGuy: Neither, they’re gay.

Narrator: What is the best method of defending yourself against a horde of evil squirrels using an onion, a stapler and the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe?

ThatGuy: I would say lure them with the onion. Place it inside the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe. And as soon as the squirrel approaches the onion staple his head to page thirty-three. So that way every time you open up the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe, you can say to yourself, “Hey, I stapled a squirrel on page thirty-three.” Lovely!

Narrator: Where IS the beef?

ThatGuy: In the space between spaces.

Narrator: Once I was playing Super Mario 64, and in Super Mario 64, you have to jump in a painting to start the level, and so I did... My little brother saw it and he asked me how that was possible, and I told him it's possible because it's a video game... He went crazy and now he is scared of paintings. What should I do?

ThatGuy: Sacrifice him to your god. Whether it be Buddhist, Christian, Hindu, or what have you. Just sacrifice him. Because all great religions agree that life is a sacrifice. What better way to prove it then to sacrifice the innocent. As the old saying goes, at first you don’t succeed, sacrifice. Sacrifice. Sacrifice. Sacrifice. Sacrifice. Sacrifice! Yes.

Narrator: If you found yourself trapped in an underground Egyptian chamber, how would you escape if you only had a revolver and pen to help you? I forgot to mention that the chamber is filled with transvestite scorpions and radioactive monkeys.

ThatGuy: That’s a very good question. Actually, no it isn’t. It is the worst question I’ve ever been asked in my entire life. Shame on you. My advice is to kill yourself. And burn in the fiery flames of hell. Trust me, you’ll be doing the world and yourself much good. Yes.

Narrator: Where is the any-key?

ThatGuy: [pointing down with his pipe as if he is pointing at the keyboard of the viewer] Right there. Right there. You see it? Right there.

Narrator: Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

ThatGuy: Actually no. The reason for this; jellybeans are actually jellyfish eggs. Not too many people know that. However, jellyfish do get gas from Bush’s Baked Beans. Which are actually the eggs of our current President, George W. Bush. Who has gas quite often. After eating jellybeans.

Narrator: My uncle died last week and he is still in his room. He is starting to stink up the place and I don't want to touch him, what should I do?

ThatGuy: Have you considered eating him? I heard uncles are reaching their peaks this time of year. I just ate my uncle last week. He was delicious. Especially when served with a fine sauce made out of my grandmother. [licks his lips]

Narrator: Last week I forgot to lock the door to my room when I was preparing myself to jerk off. All of a sudden in the middle of my pleasure, my brother busted and caught me in the act. I'm worried he'll tell my mom or dad about it and I'll get "the talk." Any advice on how to prevent my brother from telling my parents?

ThatGuy: [laughs] You don’t have to worry about that at all. I’ll give you “the talk”. You see [puts his pipe in his mouth and moves hands as if they were two people have sex] when a man and a woman love each other very, very much… [time passes] …Then, of course, she will say things to you like, “What part of restraining order didn’t you understand?” And you’ll say to yourself, “Why is she this bitch getting in my face…” [more time passes] …And then she’ll make you do things. Things you never thought you’d be able to do but it turns out in your deepest, darkest parts of your soul, you can… [more time passes] …And you’ll be asking yourself, “Why have you left me, Lord? Why have you forsaken me and left me in the tenth level of Hell. And He’ll, of course, never answer you; He’s an a-hole…  [more time passes] …And I tell you the pain festers, festers inside of you and it will never go away…[more time passes]…And you may think to yourself that you may like the other sex. But you don’t. You don’t. You just don’t… [more times passes] …You’ll stand at the edge of that cliff and you’ll ask yourself, “What’s the point? There is no point is there? There’s only the empty void…” [more time passes] …And that’s what a man and woman do when they love each other very, very much. I hope this has helped you out, it’s certainly has me. [makes a face as if he is scared]This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There’s no such thing as a stupid question, until YOU ask it.

[ThatGuy goes back to reading books]

The End

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