Ask That Guy with The Glasses ep. 40 (September 11, 2009)
(That Guy is reading a book. He looks up and closes it)
That Guy: Oh, julaviet. Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.
(Title card plays)
Narrator: Why is a nickel worth 5 cents larger than a dime that's worth 10 cents?
That Guy: That's a very good question...
(Just stands there. After a moment, the next question appears without TG answering the first one)
Narrator: Is Dr. Pepper a real doctor?
That Guy: (scoffs) Unless you call being a psychiatrist a real doctor. I mean, I don't know. I know you have to go to school for both of them, but when I think "doctor", I think the guy that cuts people open and takes things out. I mean, what does a psychiatrist do? Cut open your psyche and put in love? Bullshit. So, do I think he's a real doctor? No, no I don't. Now, Dr. Love, there's a doctor I can trust. (long pause) He raped me.
Narrator: Why can nobody understand the adults in Charlie Brown?
(Shots of That Guy talking, but his voice is replaced with the "Woh-woh" voice that is heard when adults talk on Charlie Brown)
Narrator: If a nuclear bomb went off in Superman's ass, would he die
That Guy: (laughs) Don't you know? He craps out nuclear bombs. That's why he's called "The Man of Steel", because his shit is literally made of steel. And nuclear explosives. You see, that's how all these terrorist countries got their bombs to begin with. Superman flies around the world and unfortunately kind of craps the same way a seagull craps. He just airs out his red underpants, and the bombs fall like jelly beans. The smart countries cover all their bases in pillows so that they can catch the bombs. And that's how they got the nuclear bombs to begin with. What do you think of your holy God now, huh? (yelling) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HOLY GOD NOW?! (Normal tone) Yes.
Narrator: I have become accustomed to having many human-like animals drawn into sexual scenes. Is this weird?
That Guy: Kid, I just told you a story about how Superman is crapping nuclear bombs and that's the reason for all the misery in the world. Do you really think I'm gonna find that weird? (pause) Yes, I do. (Slowly) Frrrreak.
Narrator: I hear the voices in my head. How do I record them?
That Guy: Well, that's very simple. You simply take a tape recorder, squeeeeeze it inside your ear, and then turn yourself into a laboratory because, quite frankly, you're not supposed to survive that. Now, I know what you're thinking: How can that tape the voices in my head if the tape recorder is inside my ear? Well, that's very simple. You just slam your head against something very, very hard until it starts recording. I'll demonstrate for you.
(That Guy walks off screen. The sound of him slamming his head against something is heard. He then stumbles back and falls on the floor)
Narrator: Just who the heck is in Big Bird's suit on Sesame Street?
That Guy: (Laughs) You silly bastard. Big Bird isn't a puppet... the people are. I know everybody thinks that Big Bird and Elmo and...that piece of shit that's in the garbage can is a puppet. But in fact, they're not. It's really the people. You see, they take these life-size skins complete with eyes, mouth and everything else a person has, and they place it over the usual human body, and they walk around pretending like they're real people. But they're not. They're puppets. With real people underneath them. Now, a lot of you might be wondering, "Why do that if you can just use real people"? (long pause) Go fuck yourself. Long... and hard. (kisses his pipe)
Narrator: Can you Green Egg and Ham it?
Oh, yes, I can green egg and ham it.
Especially when I know just how to jam it.
I will jam it up your ass so long and hard.
I will jam it in your ass, you stupid fucktard.
I will jam it in a box
I will jam it with a fox
I will jam it in a house
I will jam it with a mouse
I will jam it here
I will jam it there
For I will jam it...
(No longer rhyming) I'm done rhyming.
Narrator: Can I take your order?
That Guy: Actually, green eggs and ham sounds pretty good.
Narrator: Kirk or Picard?
That Guy: Janeway. I love a woman who looks good in uniform and can give me orders. I never follow them, of course, but it's the thought that counts. She would be like, "You! Go into warp drive!" And I'd be like, "No! You go into the kitchen and start making babies. Then she'd take off her clothes and we'd do it all over the bridge. (thinks for a second) Wait, that wasn't an answer. That was my fan fiction. Picard, because he doesn't wear a 'piece. This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it." (Goes back to his book)
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