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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 42 (November 27th, 2009)

That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Terve! [a colloquial Finnish salute] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses .

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Is it possible to hit a grand slam when dating a woman?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. The answer is: Yes. Yes it is. / [indicates a jump cut] You simply order a Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's, / slide it in front of your woman, / and then, slam her face into it. / That way, not only would you be hitting the Grand Slam, but you'll be hitting the woman as well. / Now I KNOW what you're thinking: Isn't that violence towards women? / Yes it is (he says with slight delight), but I believe in equal rights. / Anything I would do to a WOMAN, I would do to a man as well. / I would slam a MAN's face into the breakfast just like I would slam a WOMAN'S face into the breakfast. / I would rob a MAN of all his fortunes just like I would rob a WOMAN of all her fortunes. / I would PENETRATE a man just like I would penetrate a woman. / That's why bisexual people are the ONLY equal opportunists out there. / For it's just like it says in the Bible... (pauses) Hah. / And don't you forget it... whatever it was.

Narrator: If Zordon fought God, who would win?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) God. / (points mouthpiece at camera) But in all fairness, that's a bit of a trick question. / You see, Zordon actually IS a part of God. / The testicle part. / Now I know what you're thinking: God's testicle can do all of THAT? (pauses) Yes! / It's God's testicle. What do you think it did? / Waited there to get kicked in a very comedic way? (chuckles) No. / But this begs the question: who is God's other testicle? (pause) Oprah. / Oprah Winfrey is God's other testicle. / I mean, honestly, are you really surprised? / Everything she says is sacred. / People follow EVERYTHING she demands. / Even if she farts, people will take it as a blessing. / Yes, God's testicles are a wonderful creation... (pauses) as long as they don't get genital herpes. / (leans in) Then Heaven help us. (slowly leans back and puts pipe back in mouth)

Narrator: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?

That Guy: (chuckles) You silly fool. I'M not a mirror. You're not NEARLY this good-looking. / But if I had to just take a shot in the dark, I'd say... (blows air) me. / Of course, there was that ONE woman in the blue-and-yellow dress. / But I gave her a Grand Slam breakfast she will NEVER forget. / And never recover from. / Yes.

Narrator: Did you frame John Proctor?

That Guy: I didn't frame John Proctor. John Proctor is a witch, and we ALL KNOW it! / In fact, who are YOU to ask questions? I think I see YOU with the devil! / Yes! YES! I SEE HIM WITH THE DEVIL! BURN HIM!! BURN HIM ALIVE!!! / (maniacal laughter as he ducks out of view) / (normal position) Incidentally, a special shout-out to all the Arthur Miller fans who are watching this video. It is nice to see BOTH of you. / Phenomenal. (makes a weird chuckle)

Narrator: Could a Jedi commit suicide by using the force to choke himself or herself to death?

That Guy: Well, being a Jedi master myself, let's try it. (he curls his left index and middle finger as if he is choking someone by voodoo for a few seconds) Nope. Doesn't seem to have ANY effec- (we hear a loud thud; That Guy looks to screen right, then back) Yes. Yes,you can; but, uh... you might want to practice a bit first.

Narrator: If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why should you quit while you're ahead?

That Guy: (really fast) Because she sells seashells by the seashore while Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers wondering, "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" (we hear two claps from someone off-screen-right; he looks that way and says:) Thank you. (looks back; one last clap)

Narrator: If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who you gonna call?

That Guy: 911. (pauses) Fuck the Ghostbusters. / They'll never pay ME for advertising, so why should I promote THEM? / Fffffffuck 'em. / (we then see his left hand giving the finger slowly rise into shot)

Narrator: Why is there an alligator and a deer sitting at my kitchen table playing chess?

That Guy: Probably the same reason there's an orangutan and a porcupine playing poker on my roof. / But at LEAST we know how to call, right? Ghostbusters. (he raises his eyes with a worried look and then says in disgust:) Fuck! (goes to the corner)

Narrator: If knowing is half the battle, what's the other half?

That Guy: (normal position) Fucking it. / For that's my philosophy to everything. If you know about it, fuck it. / Even if you don't know HOW, find a way. / They always said, "There'd never be a way for a human to fuck a termite." But I proved them wrong. / (looks briefly down, then back) But it's. it's not for that reason. (pauses with a blank look) Really. (more of the same; then, in a deeper, altered voice...) DON'T LOOK AT ME!!! (almost starts to cry a bit)

Narrator: My wife wanted to ask if you knew why all diet soda labels are silver.

That Guy: That's nice. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book)

THE END


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