Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 45 (December 21st, 2009)
We open on That Guy in his usual location; but there are Christmas decorations adorning the top of his cabinets, and he is still wearing a Santa hat. He reads his book with pipe in mouth for a few seconds and then notices the camera.
That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Servus! [pronounced "see-ah-vass", Austrian for "hello" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.
Opening introduction as the familiar piano music plays.
Narrator (always off-screen, his questions appear on-screen): On Christmas Eve, what will you do if you are stuck under the mistletoe with someone extremely unattractive?
That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question, and the answer is: I don't believe that anyone is truly unattractive. / [indicates a jump cut] For everyone has something beautiful about them... (pauses with a smile) and I mean that in a BAD way. / I am ready to go down on anyONE and anything. / 'Cause, quite frankly, all things are fuckable. / Why? Because I can find the beauty in anything. / And therefore, I can FUCK anything. / In fact, I've fucked just about everything in this room: / (pointing with his pipe) These decorations, those books... me and the pipe here go back a LONG way. / Well, not TOO long; he, uh, gets cold quite often. / I've even done it with this hat. (pauses) It used to be just a red nightcap, but nope; this is my crusted splooge placed all over it. / (leans into the camera) Now, THAT'S the kind of White Christmas I'M talking about. / Isn't that right, Pipey? (he takes the pipe down out of shot and apparently has an erection because his face goes all... "pleasurable"; care to guess what happens? I'm not writing it here)
Narrator: When Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer went down in history, where exactly in history did he go?
That Guy: The Kamasutra. / You see, when they said, "They don't let Rudolph play in any reindeer games," THAT'S what they were talking about: / hot, buttery sex. / And there's all sorts of positions that reindeer games have taught us. [grammatical error there, Doug - ed.] / I mean, just think about you can do with those ANTLERS. (pauses) In fact, I'm going to right now. / (he looks up and thinks about those antlers and becomes aroused, getting really into it with a few facial tics. He likes how he's feeling. Surprised? After a jump cut, we see him climaxing and then relaxing after his virtual orgasm; once he comes out of that state, he addresses the camera) Wow. Twice in one episode. Huh, new record.
Narrator: My grandmother just got run-over by a reindeer. Should I sue Santa?
That Guy: (back to screen right, he turns to camera) No. / Quite frankly, Santa's gone through enough lawsuits in the past. / Everyone's been suing him left and right for copyright infringement of his toys. / But ever since Google took him over, he's been very strict about copyright issues. / Even toys covered by satire/parody clause aren't allowed anymore. / You see, Santa has sold out. / And always remember: once you sold out, there's nothing of value to buy anymore! / Now, true, Santa is still number one in toy-making ability. / I mean, millions of people view his website every day. / But I keep hearing that this Blip Claus is better. / They have better products and not half as many trolls as Santa has. / Oh yes, Santa has trolls! They replaced the elves long ago after the buyout. / So if you REALLY want something good for Christmas, ask Blip Claus. / He not only produces better material but also has a bigger penis. / I know. / (quietly) Yes.
Narrator: If there was no Jesus, what would happen to Christmas?
That Guy: Life Day. / (makes a wookie noise then briefly raises his eyebrows)
Narrator: Why is Charlie Brown so depressed on Christmas?
That Guy: Well, isn't it obvious he has some sort of terminal disease? / My guess would be cancer or some form of AIDS. / (leaning in) Maybe that'll teach Charlie Brown to stop doing Linus without protection. / But what do you expect? He was watching Peppermint Patty and that other lesbo. / (leaning in again, with hand to his mouth) Incidentally, it DOES taste like chocolate. / (licks his lips and smacks them)
Narrator: Whenever a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. What do devils get?
That Guy: They get a Hummel figurine. (he holds one up to the camera with his left hand; it depicts a little girl in a blue dress with white dots wearing an orange-red babooshka looking at a yellow bird with blue feathers on top of a wooden fencepost) / (scoffs) Don't let their cuteness fool you; they are, in fact, of the devil. / Why? Because they have NO genatalia. Take a look. (begins to move towards the camera to show the bottom of the figurine) / (has the back of the figurine to the camera and taps it with the mouthpiece of his pipe; we can hear it tap against the porcelain) Nothing! / And I know what you're thinking: how can THE DEVIL make something like this? Well, the fact is that these are made out of the most evil things in the world! / (using his pipe to point out the figurine's features) The dress, for example: that's made out of Hitler's prostate! / The bird? That's made out of Saddam Hussein's testicles! / And her little babooshka... (sighs and looks off to his right) / (back at the camera) THAT'S made out of Clifford the Dog's ass cheeks. / That's right. Clifford the Dog is Satan's minion. / A giant, red hell-beast that steps on people? Hello?? / Now that you know all these facts about Hummel figurines, aren't you scared shitless of them? (he slowly moves the figurine towards the camera with the girl facing off of screen right; as he quickly turns it so that the girl is facing the camera, a dramatic sound effect of a large door slam with echo is heard to startle the viewer) [I assume that's what the sound is - ed,]
Narrator: Why are red and green always associated with Christmas?
That Guy: Because Christmas is all about pissing off people who are colorblind. / People will be like, "OH, look at all this red and green!" And the colorblind people are like... (pause) "Fuck you." / You see, because they have vision like a dog, they should also be TREATED as dogs. / I tried putting a leash on a colorblind person once, but he didn't seem to like that and reacted very violently. / So, sadly, I had to have him put to sleep. / But maybe that'll teach him to think he has rights. / I'm dying alone, aren't I?
Narrator: Why does Santa use reindeer? Why not polar bears?
That Guy: (screen right and turn again) Reindeer are a little easier to fit into. / Polar bears are (uses his hands to demonstrate) so big and muscular and, ugh, just a pain to get in. / But sometimes if you find just the right peanut butter, you can... Oh, you mean, for his sleigh? Oh... (chuckles a bit and then stammers, realizing the REAL meaning of the question) Because they're th... Cute.
Narrator: I saw Daddy kissing Santa Claus. How do I tell Mom?
That Guy: Aaaaaaah, I wouldn't tell Mom as much as a psychiatrist. / (leaning in) Trust me. This is going to affect you later and, uh... best get in the appointments now. / Don't ever write me again.
Narrator: What will you get me for Christmas?
That Guy: How about a Hummel? (holds it up again)
Hummel: (held right at the camera, voiced by Doug in a deeper octave, digitally altered; as it speaks, demonic choir music is heard) My baboohska is made from your childhood hero. (laughs demonically)
That Guy: (with no figurine) That or a gift card. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera, then he goes back to reading his book)
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