Ask That Guy Episode 47 (February 2nd, 2010)
[We see That Guy With The Glasses reading his book and smoking his pipe in his normal location, adorned with holiday decorations. His back is to screen right. Once he notices the camera, he faces it and says...]
That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) The South shall rise again! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.
Traditional introduction and piano music.
Narrator (always off-screen, his questions appear on-screen unless noted): Why do you still have your Christmas decorations up?
That Guy: (facing screen left with pipe in mouth, he turns to the camera and takes it out) That's a very good question, but I think the REAL question is: How come YOU (points pipe at camera) still don't have your Christmas decorations up?
That Guy: Suck it.
Narrator: I am absolutely terrified of tofu; it's made of people, you know. What can I do to solve this little problem of mine?
That Guy: (pipe in mouth, turns and chuckles) It's not made out of people; it's made out of lemmings! / [indicates a jump cut] You know how lemmings are always jumping off cliffs because they're totally insane? / Well, they don't! That was just a lie the Disney Corporation made up to fool you! / You see, for their nature programs, they actually took the little lemmings and just threw them off a cliff! Just for yuks! / And the lemmings were saying, "Do-do I really jump off a cliff?: And the Disney people said, "Yes, you DO!" (imitates throwing a lemming off a cliff, along with the "lemming" screaming) / And the Disney people looked around and said, "What are we gonna do with all these dead lemmings?" (pause) Tofu. / And that's why the literal translation for tofu is actually "squashed lemming." / In fact, it's not even Asian. It's Disney language. / Oh yes, Disney has their own language! / And when you speak it, your genitalia cries... / and becomes non-functioning for several hours. / (leans in to the camera) This is the price you pay for animated magic. / And tofu.
Narrator: Can I have sex with you?
That Guy: You already have. / How? It is the mystery of The Guy With The Glasses. (quick Spanish guitar flourish plays as That Guy poses the way a Spanish dancer would; back to normal music)
Narrator: When people say, "That's what she said!", who are they talking about?
That Guy: (pipe in mouth and turn) Boy George. / There is NO way that lady is a dude. / Shaving your head and painting it like Ralph from The Simpsons isn't going to convince us anymore. / You're a lady, and we ALL know it. / And not just a lady, an unbelievable whore... / who slept with just about every man who can say the letter "r". / So Elmer Fudd is out. / Devilishly witty.
Narrator: Is this a very good question?
That Guy: (with eyebrows raised and lips quivering, he fakes crying, emulating Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire) You had me at "is"! (after a few seconds, he turns his head and bites his right index finger as he's holding his pipe)
Narrator: Who shall be your successor should you ever have a need to stop doing "Ask That Guy With The Glasses"?
That Guy: (chuckle) Well, isn't it obvious? (pause) It's Mr. T. / I mean, think about it. How friggin' awesome would that be? / Granted we almost look EXACTLY alike. / He has unbelievably big muscles (briefly flexes) as I do. / He's an unbelievable sex symbol as I am. / He's made out of 99% awesome and 1% water, just like me. / And of course, he's black, just like yours truly. / Don't believe me? Watch this. (bends down to unzip his pants. We hear a zipper effect and then the sound of his "large" penis being unfurled and hitting the floor. He looks to his right) See? (back to camera) No comparison. / I feel sorry for you, whiteys. You have a lot of growing "up" (points his right index finger up) to do. (chuckles)
Narrator: What would you do with two hookers and an eight ball?
That Guy: Well, I think the REAL question is: what WOULDN'T I do with two hookers and an eight ball? / It's just like the classic song goes: / ("epic" piano music enters as That Guy sings to the tune of Meatloaf's "I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)"; he also makes rock-star gestures like clenching his fist and pointing at the camera) And I would do anything with two hookers and an eight ball, but I won't do thaaaaaa-AAAAAAATTT!!! (note: he sings the last note really high) / (normal music) That's right; I won't do yoga with them. / Because that'd... just be silly and physically impossible. / But everything else, I'm down for. / No. (after a few seconds, he looks up and to his right) I mean, yes.
Narrator: Where HAVE all the flowers gone?
That Guy: They've all flown south for the winter. / But they have to watch out because the south is often prejudiced against different colored flowers. / You especially have to watch out for the FFF: The Fu Flux Flan. / They're a crazy organization that I just made up. / But one day, my vision will be realized, / copyrighted, / sold, / and exploited beyond belief. / (scoffs) The system WORKS... (pause) at fucking you in the ass. / (leans in) Hard.
Narrator: This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?
That Guy: Yes. Can I have some drugs, please?
Narrator: What exactly do you smoke in that pipe?
That Guy: Other pipes. / You see, I chop up a bunch of other little pipes by putting them in a blender, / disintegrate them down into dust, / and then, I smoke it in THIS pipe! (he points to the one he holds) / Why? Because I'm absolutely insane. / (cut to a snowman figurine help up by Doug out of shot) And a snowman. / (back to That Guy) But you knew that.
Narrator: Can you help me with my chemistry homework?
That Guy: (with a slightly altered, deeper voice) HOW DARE YOU! / (normal) This is That Guy With The Glasses saying: There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it. (winks at the camera and returns to reading and smoking)
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