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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 48 (March 14, 2010)

[Ask That Guy is reading a book while smoking a pipe. When he notices the camera, he then closes his book and take out his pipe to address the viewer.]

That Guy: Oh! As-Salamu Alaykum! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

[opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen): Why do people say "ATM Machine"? The 'M' stands for 'machine', so isn't it redundant?

That Guy: That's a very good question. Actually, it's not redundant because people aren't talking about "ATM"; they're talking about an "ATM machine"... machines that MAKE ATMs. / (indicates a jump cut) Which, of course, isn't a machine that you go and get money from; it's the machine that MAKES the machine that you get money from. / Which, of course, is still inaccurate. / So the reason people call ATMs "ATM machines" is because they're unbelievably stupid. / But for a totally different reason that you didn't think about. / Don't you feel like a selfish prick now? / I don't.

Narrator: Do you think Fried Chicken Kool-Aid would be widely accepted by the general public?

That Guy: Yes. Yes I do. / But why stop there? / You can have soda that tastes like bacon. / Orange juice that tastes like pork. / And my personal favorite: martinis that taste like tampons. / A "tampontini", I would call it. / Now I KNOW what you're thinking: / Tampons have nothing to do with meat or even anything that we regularly eat. / Well, this is my way of using sarcasm to point out how unbelievably retarded your question was. / So, in conclusion, shut up. / (leaning in towards the camera) With onions.

Narrator: I'm working on designing a new form of cat that can shoot freeze rays from its eyes and fire projectiles from its ass. Should I have it fire grenades or Chuck Norris' fists?

That Guy: Well, generally, anything Chuck Norris-related is gonna be preferred. / Hell, Chuck Norris' SALIVA would be an improvement to whatever you're making. / For as we all know, he drools acid. / And eats other people's muscles for breakfast. / So, naturally, anything with Chuck Norris is always gonna be... (his tone suddenly shifts from jovial to puzzlement with a hint of disgust) What the hell are you making??

Narrator: Whose line is it anyway?

That Guy: The Hummel figurine.

Figurine: (held up really close to the camera, voiced by Doug Walker with a deep effect): My babooshka is made out of the ass of Clifford The Dog. (figurine leans in towards the camera) And, one day, you.

That Guy: They'll ALWAYS have the last word. / (leaning in) And your soul. / Yes.

Narrator: If someone was on fire, would they be burning calories?

That Guy: Actually, no, they wouldn't. / So there's only one logical conclusion to draw from this: people on fire are lazy. / Come on, folks! Stop trying to put yourself out and start exercising! / How about a jog or lifting some weights? (does hand movements for both) / Simply shouting in agonizing terror isn't gonna help you lose weight at all. / (leaning in) It's just gonna make you fat. / Setting yourself on fire is not the way to go. / Unless you're dying, then it's an... awesome way to go. / (goes to smoke his pipe but notices it is upside down) Wait a minute, this isn't right. (he then turns it around so that the bowl is in front of him, not the mouthpiece; and it's still upside down) Much better. (he then bites the pipe... the wrong way... and nods)

Narrator: Why do Christians say that abstinence is the only sure way to avoid getting pregnant when it didn't work for Mary?

That Guy: Well, if there's anything we can learn from the Virgin Mary, it's that if you stay a virgin... (short pause) ...you'll most likely give birth to our Lord and Savior. / (leaning in) Think about it, ladies: what would you prefer? / Several nights of unbelievable sex? / Or a beautiful, honorable son that you can be proud of for the rest of your... (abruptly) It's sex, isn't it? / Yep, sex feels better; therefore it is better. / Fuck on, ladies. / Starting with me. / (he gives a close-up wink to the camera and smiles, then his face suddenly turns serious)

Narrator: Are you still doing "Ask That Guy With The Glasses"?

That Guy: (squints and raises his left arm as if to say, "What the hell?")

Narrator: If violence is the answer, then what is the question?

That Guy: Usually "Can I borrow a cup of sugar?" / (looks down at the floor) I really hate that question, (looks back up) and anyone who asks it deserves to be punished. / It's MY sugar, and I bought it with my own money. / So the next time someone asks you to borrow a cup of sugar, simply do this: / (standing to the right of the screen, looking left) "Hi. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?" / (close-up of him punching the camera) / (him at camera right, but thrown backwards as if he was punched) / (normal position) That'll teach him.

Narrator: How much money would it take for you to kill a puppy with a sledgehammer?

That Guy: Oh, gee, now that is a very, very difficult question. / I mean, the moral dilemmas, the ethical decisions... / 200,000? No, no... / 300? No; no, much jigher than that. / 6? / 7? Oh, let's just cut to the chase: 1 million. I would pay $1 million to kill a puppy with a sledgehammer. / (leaning in) And it would be worth every penny. / (normal) Fucking puppies. / (leaning in again) With onions.

Narrator: How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?

That Guy: (holding a Tootsie pop, he takes off the wrapper just like Mr. Owl did in the classic commercial) Let's find out. (licks it) One, ah-two, ah-three... (an animated Mr. Owl holding a gun pops up from below the screen and shoots That Guy, who screams in pain; Mr. Owl moves out of shot) Aaaah! Aaah! Oh my God, he shot me! An owl just shot me! ...No, no, the secret MUST be revealed! (licks it again and almost sobs while counting) Four, five, six... (Mr. Owl then lunges at him from camera left; That Guy screams. There is an abrupt cut to the "color bars" TV test pattern. We then see Mr. Owl in front of the camera with his own pipe and book in hand.)

Mr. Owl: This is Mr. Owl saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question except "How many licks does it take to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?'" (looks at his book for a few seconds and then looks up at the camera) Ah-three. (back to reading)

THE END

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