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Ask ThatGuy Episode 5 (June 27, 2008)

[ThatGuy is reading a book and smoking a pipe, after a second he notices the camera]

ThatGuy: Oh, Shalom! Didn’t hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

[Piano music starts playing, title card appears]

Narrator: If Carmen is a slutty whore and Meg is a nerd and a porn star, why isn't John getting any?

ThatGuy: Probably because you’re calling Carmen a slutty whore and calling Meg a nerd and a porn star. Women don’t seem to like that. Except the special ones.

Narrator: What is "Snakes on a Plane" about?

ThatGuy: The Holocaust.

Narrator: How much do you think it would cost me to bribe a teacher to give me an 'A' instead a 'C'?

ThatGuy: Well this answer varies in a lot of different respects. Some teacher, it just takes twenty bucks. Others, a couple hundred. And for others you have to do favors. Horrible favors. I lost my virginity to a forty year old gym teacher. I will never be the same. And neither will he. It was a he wasn’t it?

Narrator: I'm always living in fear of those "screamers" that are on the internet. How do I avoid them?

ThatGuy: Well to fully explain this it’s best to understand exactly what a screamer is. Luckily I’ve written it down on this sheet of paper. You see, what a screamer is, is a…[a screamer appears, scaring ThatGuy] Woo yeah, that was indeed a screamer! Something that comes out of nowhere and scares you! [ThatGuy laughs nervously] That was a pretty good one. I think I’m actually having a heart attack at the moment. Yes, yes, shortness of breath and tightness in the cheat, high pain, yes, this is defiantly a heart attack! If someone out there could call 911 for me, that would be very, very helpful. I, I think I’m going to have a lay down for the moment. [ThatGuy falls down and dies]

The Bum: [Off screen] Hello! Hello! [Chester A. Bum appears onscreen and talks into the camera] Oh my God, you killed him! You killed him you screamer asking question person! He’s dead! He’s dead forever! Oh my God! [The Bum looks around the room] I guess I’ll answer the rest of the questions in loving memory of ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.

Narrator: Who would win…

The Bum: Ah! Who is that?!

Narrator: I’m the narrator you idiot.

The Bum: Oh, okay. Continue.

Narrator: Who would win in a fight: Sub-zero from Mortal Kombat, or Gandhi? Also, would the outcome change if say, Gandhi was on fire?

The Bum: Um, [The Bum picks up ThatGuy’s pipe] That’s a very good question. Um, I don’t know! I guess a flaming Gandhi would win because he’s on fire. I’d be afraid of a flaming Gandhi, I mean, wow! I’d be like, “Oww, look out, a flaming Gandhi! All be award of flaming Gandhi! He will set you on fire and then preach about Hinduism! Ganhi!” Yes.

Narrator: I'm French and I want to know why you, Americans, are so bad in geography?

The Bum: Well, French guy, that’s a lot of big talk coming from all the way from the North Pole! Those Santa Claus know you’re French? I bet he’s not going to give you any presents this year! Because you are making fun of our [The Bum tries to say ‘geography’] geographifismefy! French! Wee.

Narrator: Deal or no Deal?

The Bum: I don’t know what that means! I’ll have the soup!

Narrator: My little brother is afraid of two things: Clowns and Big Bird from Sesame Street. How do I fix these two fears?

The Bum: Clowns?! Where?! I’m terrified of clowns! Are there any in the building? The only thing scarier than clowns is Big Bird. He is a menace to society! Kill Big Bird! Tar and feather him, or, um, de-feather him! Bird! Oh, and Clowns!

Narrator: How come the Flintstones celebrate Christmas if they lived before Christ?

The Bum: Because the Flintstones can see into the future! They have psychic powers. They can see everything that’s going to happen. They know that Christ is going to be born. And that they should celebrate his birthday ahead of time. It’s just good manners. And Fred Flintstone is like “Yabba Dabba Jesus”! Hooray! This is Chester A. Bum saying change! You got change! Oh come on, help a guy out, will ya! Come on, change! Wait a minute, maybe he has some money! [Goes off screen to see if ThatGuy’s body has any change on it] Oh my God, he’s a woman!

The End

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