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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Episode 52 (June 25th, 2010)

That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Hey! (pauses) As in the Danish "Hey" and not the American "Hey." (opens his mouth, presses his thumb inside his top teeth, and thumbs the camera - I think it's obscene) Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions are on-screen unless noted): If my baloney has a first name, should I eat it?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. And the answer, of course, is, "No." You shouldn't / [indicates a jump cut] It has a first name. Fod God sakes, would you eat anything that honestly has a FIRST name? / For example, could you honestly eat a chicken if you named him Howard? I couldn't. / Now, Howard The Duck? That would be a different story, but Howard The Chicken? Absolutely not. / Now, [grammar error here - ed.] animals with LAST name: (chuckles) THAT'S a different story. / Giving an animal a last name just makes me want to eat it even more. / I call most of my food "Stevenson" simply because it makes it taste better. / For example, there was a delightful baby seal that I was eating the other day; and I said: / (with back to screen right, pretends to chew food while looking at his pipe, then turns to camera) "Mmmm, that's good Stevenson." / (leans in) With Stevenson onions. / (licks his teeth with a slurping sound) Delicious. (giggles playfully)

Narrator: What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?

That Guy: I don't know. Try it!

Narrator: (singing) Ah, bravo Figaro! Ah, bravo Figaro! Ah, bravo Figaro! Ah, bravo Figaro! (we cut back to That Guy's location, but he is gone. After a few seconds, words not on screen, the Narrator says:) What a douche.

Narrator: Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?

That Guy: Oh, I don't care what you use. Just KILL him. / In fact, I've tried just about everything to kill a mime; but NOTHING seems to work. / For example, I've set up my army of invisible boxes. Nothing. / They always (mimics what a mime would do in this situation) stop when they get down to their smallest, and then they don't DO anything! / Why hire invisible boxes if they stop before they kill the mime? / I'll tell you why: / (stoic face) Because the Hummel figurine demands it.

Hummel: (held up by Doug from the bottom, voiced by Doug in a deep, altered voice; demonic choir music plays as it speaks) My Babooshka is officially made out of your SOUL. (leans in) Your children are NEXT.

That Guy: (normal music returns) Isn't she cute? / (up-close, switches from a happy to a fearful expression) No.

Narrator: Knock Knock.

That Guy: Who's there?

Narrator: Can.

That Guy: Can who?

Narrator. Can I borrow a cup of sugar?

That Guy punches the camera with his left fist.

Narrator: Boxers or briefs?

That Guy: (chuckles) Well, you KNOW I'm always gonna wear boxers. / Boxers are just so much more comfortable and make you feel relaxed. / Take last week, for instance. I had Mike Tyson wrapped around my family jewels. / (chuckle) I can't describe a more (giddily) thrilling sensation. / He WAS a bit nippy, though. / Every other second, he was always nipping at SOMETHING on my body. / But that just makes me wear it more. / Incidentally, I plan on wearing Muhammad Ali on my jewels next week. / Insert a HORRIBLE bad taste joke here. / And then, SODOMY. / (leans in) Can YOU get that kind of action from priests? I don't think so. / Unless they're on a boxer, in which case it creates sort of a weird paradox. / A paradox that involves Jesus Christ and a can of tuna, but you don't wanna know how that works. / (leans in) Or DO you? / Yes.

Narrator: Is there a doctor in the house?

That Guy: I don't know. Let me check. (walks off-screen to his left) Are you a doctor?

Doctor (Doug, off-screen) Yes. (a shotgun blast is heard) OH, CHRIST! (the "doctor" falls down as heard by a sound effect)

That Guy: (returns to his position and says:) Not ANYMORE.

Narrator: 911. What is your emergency?

As That Guy is about to answer, the apparently-still-alive Doctor speaks from off-screen.

Doctor: Yes! (That Guy looks off to his left, surprised and ultimately disappointed) This psychotic maniac just SHOT me! (That Guy holds his finger up to the camera as if to say, "One moment," and exits off-screen) Oh, God, call an ambulance! (another gun blast is heard) OH, GOD DA-- NO!! NO, NO, NO, NO! (yet another blast) Unh! (after a bit, the Doctor makes some very weird high-pitched sounds, as if he is trying to scream loudly but cannot. One last blast is heard. That Guy then returns to his post)

That Guy: Nothing! Wrong number.

Narrator: (words not on-screen until noted) How can you misdial 91-

That Guy: (quickly interrupting) Bye, now!

Narrator: I mean, it's ONLY three numbers.

That Guy: (quickly in a forced whisper) Bye, now!

Narrator: (normal) I recently broke into your house and stole your gimp suit, including the fluffy handcuffs and sex doll. What are you going to do about it?

That Guy: (chuckles) Only ONE?

Narrator: What if Iron Chef and Iron Man traded places?

That Guy: God would literally orgasm. / (leans in) Incidentally, that's only happened one other time. It was called The Big Bang. / (leans in) And for that VERY reason. / So, quite naturally, I think we should DO it. / Take Robert Downey Jr. and, I don't know, Sakai; and SWITCH 'em around! / That way, we'll have another big bang and form a WHOLE new realm of existence. / (leans in) I hope this one has monkey dogs in it. / Have you ever SEEN monkey dogs before? / (chuckles and looks up, then he suddenly leans in and speaks in another deep, altered tone) YOU WILL!! / (nods his head for a bit and then whispers) You will! (he then slowly raises up his pipe to his mouth and then - through the magic of editing - quickly inserts it into his mouth; when he does, we hear a "popping bubble" sound effect)

Narrator: Why do you always have that same location in every single episode?

That Guy: (looks a bit puzzled and then looks behind him) Huh! I guess I never noticed. / Well, I... (pauses, looks at his pipe, then back at the camera) guess I should get a NEW one! / Yes. (he puts his pipe in his mouth, picks up some kind of device, and turns the timer on it - sound effects are added. Once he's done turning, we hear a ticking noise as he sets the device on the ground. As he says his tag line, he frantically gathers his belongings together, eventually addressing the camera) This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then quickly runs off-screen with pipe and book in hand. After a few seconds of the ticking noise laid over the piano music, we hear a worried Narrator ask:)

Narrator: Um, was that a time bomb?

We then hear a loud explosion as the screen quickly turns white. We then cut to the test-pattern color bars as the loud tone that accompanies them is heard while we approach:

THE END

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