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Ask That Guy Episode 56 (November 4, 2010)

[We see the wall of a bar with various bottles of alcohol. That Guy rises up from behind the bench, dressed in his familiar outfit with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Chip Chip cheerio! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."

[opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Why did you answer "Who framed Roger Rabbit" twice?

That Guy: (has only the pipe in his hand; he faces screen left and turns to the camera, taking the pipe out of his mouth) That's a very good question, and the answer is: It's such a good question, it deserves to be answered twice! / Why must a question so good only be answered once? / It's like the question: "Why are we here?" One question, but many answers, / which is very similar to "one answer, many questions." / For example: cunnilingus with a chicken. / My, that raises so many questions... / (leans in a bit) and all of them randy. / But don't worry. If you're really annoyed by me answering the same question twice, I will do it no more. / This is the word of God. / Yes.

Narrator: Who framed Roger Rabbit?

That Guy: The Mexicans. / They were just sitting around, having nothing to do; and then, one day, one of them said, "Hey, let's frame Roger Rabbit!" / And the other Mexicans were like, "Si." / Now I know what you're thinking: / How can you frame a group of people for framing somebody else? / Well, perhaps you are forgetting that I am white. / And if you watched any Spike Lee movies, [a picture of him appears at the top right of the screen] then you know I am RACIST against everything, / [Spike's pic is gone] especially the whites. / Lousy honkies. / Butter.

Narrator: Why did you say "butter"?

That Guy: Because "mustard" was too obvious.

Narrator: You know what I mean?

That Guy: I certainly do. [he chuckles and nudges his left elbow to the camera. His chuckling becomes more intense. After a few seconds, the footage is sped up double-time as TG chuckles and eventually starts to laugh and scream, jumping up a down and getting overly giddy. He eventually bows down behind the bar] / [cut to him at normal position and speed] Actually, no.

Narrator: How does Satan celebrate Christmas?

That Guy: [back to right and turn, taking pipe out of mouth] Well, remember that scene in The Exorcist where she's masturbating with a cross? / It's nothing like that. / A tree, Christmas carols, the usual.

Narrator: Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are you?

"Scooby" [guess who? - ed.]: [as That Guy is about to respond, "Scooby" shouts from beneath the bar as TG looks down to his right] OVER HERE!!

That Guy: Ah! You see? He was under the bar the whole time!

Scooby: Somebody help me! [TG looks down again] He's holding me prisoner! He's- [TG looks back up and kicks Scooby underneath the bar] OWW!! Oh, my God, I'm bleeding! [as this point, TG gets mad and proceeds to punch the dog four times; each time, Scooby yelps in pain] Our father- [TG gives Scooby three more forceful, pounding punches; Scooby yelps three more times] Shaggy, I love you! [TG delivers one last punch, and Scooby cries out for the final time. TG then is a bit out of breath as he emerges from below; once he collects himself, it's back to his normal, jovial self] [jump cut of TG about to speak again when he is interrupted...]

Scrappy: Uncle Scooby? [TG looks off to screen left. He then holds up his right index finger to us as if to say, "One moment." He walks out of shot] Hey, pal, what are ya doin'? [We then hear a cracking-type sound effect, indicated that TG has snapped Scrappy-Doo's neck; another effects follows of Scrappy falling to the ground]

Narrator: If a dog and a dolphin can learn to get along, why can't our mom and his dad?

That Guy: (chuckles) You silly bastard, that's because it's a dog and a dolphin; and they're not human. / You see, humans just have to have human sex; and that's very difficult. / A dog and a dolphin, on the other hand... (looks up with a hearty chuckle) oh-oh-oh! THAT'S a sin against nature... / and the subject of many of my dreams. / Trust me; if you were a dog, you'd be eyeing that blowhole like crazy. / And if you were a dolphin, you'd probably go: / [cut to TG in profile holding his mouth open and sticking out his tongue three times; each time he does, we hear him imitate a dolphin's cry - yeah, it looks very weird] / [cut to TG back facing the camera, playfully hopping up and down, clapping his hand and imitating a dolphin for a few more seconds. He suddenly stops and bangs his right fist against the bar counter, as his voice becomes more a cry of desperation] STOP IT! YOU'RE A GROWN MAN NOW! YOU MUST MOVE BEYOND THAT! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU AND YOUR WAYS! (sobs a bit on the counter) / (sniffles) I apologize. (sniffles again) I must now kiss Bill Clinton. [he walks off screen-left to do just that. NOTE: there are a few seconds of forward-reverse action here]

"Bill Clinton": Ewww.

That Guy: [returning to his post, sniffling] There. I'm better now.

Narrator: What would happen if you got 666 on a slot machine?

That Guy: (looks up and chuckles) Nothing. It'd just be an unbelievable coincidence. / (leans in and gets serious) Now, if your toast landed jelly side down, (yelling) DIABLO!! DIABLO IS NEAR! / He will trap a bunch of people in an elevator, and then he'll pull off this really weak twist of the old woman being the Devil; and then, ALL HELL will break loose! / JELLY SIDE DOWN! [at this point, the footage is sped up of him going around in circles behind the bar, reacting wildly] JELLY SIDE DOWN! JELLY SIDE DOWN! [the footage resumes at normal speed as TG holds his head with his left hand, leaning against the bar, trying to get equilibrium back] OW! (a few beats pass) A headache. / (back to normal) But slot machines are cool.

Narrator: I just burped and tasted egg, and I had egg about 13 hours ago. Why do I still taste egg?

That Guy: Well, have you considered that maybe the egg hatched? / He's trying to burrow his way through your stomach, / and the only bit of oxygen he can get is when you burp? / I hope so; because, if you have, you are very stupid / and thus would be very easy to control. / Would you like to be my minion? I'll pay you nothing! / And then, we'll get ice cream and punishment. Won't that be nice? / I knew it would be. / I trust we're going to be the best of friends. [his face changes to one of a somewhat menacing smile, like Jack Nicholson does]

Narrator: Why can't I have a normal dog like everyone else?

That Guy: Because when you dressed up like a ghost for Halloween, you poked several holes in your sheet. / [his tone here is a bit stilted but forceful] Any kind who does that is not going to lead a normal life! / He is doomed to absolute (nodding exaggeratedly) not-normalness! / Get used to it, kid! You will never be normal! Never! NEVAH! / What kind of kid has no hair anyway? You should be ashamed of yourself! / Oh, and here's a word of advice: you're NOT going to kick the football! / (points mouthpiece at camera) Bury yourself! Bury yourself in a grave! / That way, you'll stop being our problem and be the problem of God! / (looking up) And I don't envy him! / (leaning in with his back to screen right; he speaks in a loud, hushed voice) Sssshame on you! (a few beats) Shame! / [cut to him ducking his neck, biting his pipe, and playfully shrugging his shoulders, as if he's done something naughty - uh-huh...]

Narrator: Can you touch your toes?

That Guy: Certainly. [in sped-up footage, he goes to do so; but he hits his head on the counter. We hear a loud metallic bang, and he falls to the floor] / [now holding both pipe and drink at normal speed] This is That Guy with the Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." [winks, takes a drink from his glass, faces the camera, smiles, and then crouches down behind the bar. The music actually carries through to the end of "Moonlight Sonata." After a few seconds, he gets back up, still smiling; but his expression is back to before when he loudly whispers:] Shame on you! [he descends behind the bar again with serious face still in tact]

THE END

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