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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 58 (1/20/11)


[We see the back of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the counter with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Cha! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

[music plays as title card shows]

Narrator: Why does food never look as good as it does on the picture?

That Guy: That's a very good question. And that's because they rub it with fairy semen. / [jump cut] Fairy semen makes everything look delicious. / In fact recently, parents all over the world have been rubbing fairy semen all over broccoli so that children will eat it. / The only downside, of course, is that...they're eating fairy semen. / But that's okay because it causes them to urinate sprinkles. / Have you ever urinated sprinkles before? / The pain is ungodly. / It's like passing a kidney stone! Only more colors come out instead of just the color red. / It also causes you to lick bunnies everytime somebody says the letter "Q," but I think that's a minor side effect. / Fairy semen for everybody! / Unless, of course, you don't believe in fairies, in which case / [cut to a close up of That Guy, with his voice booming and slightly slowed down to make it sound demonic] DIIIIIIIIEEE! / [cut to the usual angle, where That Guy abruptly returns to his usual demeanor and nods] Yes.

Narrator: Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?

That Guy: [chuckles] You're very funny. That's why I'm going to kill you last. [pauses while smiling at the camera before narrowing his eyes, making himself look more sinister]

Narrator: Are you knocked up?

That Guy: [chuckles] Good heavens, no! I'm knocked down! / It's sort of like being knocked up, except backwards. / Instead of me pushing a baby out, I'm pushing a baby in. / That'll teach the little brat to whine so much. / ['chuckles] I mean, there's only so many times a guy can shake a baby until he's quiet. / Now you might be wondering, if I don't have a vagina, how do I get the baby up there? Well, let me explain. You see... [The audio is cut so now all we hear is the background music. That Guy continues to talk while making obscene gestures.]

The Devil (Voice-Over): Hey guys, the Devil here. Um... I'm talking over this part, 'cause uh... yeah, even this part's a little too much for me. And, uh... yeah, you really shouldn't hear it. It'll... it'll give you nightmares, man. I know I'm the Devil, I should be, like, all about that but um... No, this uh... this is really fucked up. ...Yeah, trust me, you... you lucked out here, folks. You, you really lucked out.

That Guy: [audio returns, so we can now hear him talking again] So you see, it's very easy.

Narrator: Are you the president of the Hair Club for Men?

That Guy: I'm not just the president, I'm also [takes firm hold of his hair and yanks upward, as if to demonstrate that he's wearing a hairpiece, but of course realizes too late that he has just attempted to pull out his (real) hair] OW!!! [doubles over in pain, holding his head with his non-pipe hand] OWWW!!!! OOOOWWWW!!!! [rests his elbow on the bar, where he rests his head on his hand, still in pain] So STUPID! [remains in this pose until the next title card]

Narrator: In every episode, we only see your torso. Do you even have legs, feet, or even a penis?

That Guy: Oh my, yes I do, but they're all robotic. / They do my evil bidding whenever I please. / [a splat is heard, followed by a baby crying, and That Guy looks toward his feet] Uh-oh, one of my babies just got loose. [chuckles] Well, my robotic penis better teach him a new one. [Looks toward the floor and begins moving his pelvis left and right. We hear gunfire from a machine gun, indicating that it is coming from That Guy's penis. After a few seconds of this, That Guy ceases fire and looks offscreen before smiling at the camera again.] I'll get him next time!

Narrator: Does it float?

That Guy: [a la Tim Curry in Stephen King's IT] Oh yes. It floats. They all float. / [slams both of his hands on the countertop of the bar and leans forward] And YOU'LL FLOAT TOOOOO! [Continues grinning crazily at the camera for a couple seconds before glancing offscreen, realizing how silly he's acting, and awkwardly taking his hands from the countertop and attempting to put himself back into his usual pose, silently stammering as if he wants to say something and looking offscreen occasionally. We hear another splat followed by a baby crying, to which That Guy responds by unleashing gunfire from his robotic penis until the next title card appears.]

Narrator: Does the Hummel Figurine celebrate any holidays? If so, which one's her favorite?

That Guy: Well, why don't you ask her yourself? [cut to the Hummel Figurine (all of her dialog occurs in different cuts unless otherwise noted)]

Hummel Figurine: [dramatic music plays in the background, replacing the usual music] MY BABUSHKA CONTAINS ALL THE SOULS THAT HAVE EVER EXISTED--

That Guy: [regular background music resumes] No no no, they want to know if you celebrate any holidays.

'Hummel Figurine: 'Oh! Um... [makes clicking noises with her tongue (does she have a tongue?) as she thinks] Um... President's Day, I guess.

That Guy: President's Day??

Hummel Figurine: What? What's wrong with President's Day?

That Guy: Out of all the holidays you could pick that's like the most boring one of all!

Hummel Figurine: Look, it's my fucking choice and I happen to like President's Day, okay?!

That Guy: [throws up hands defensively] Alright, alright, didn't mean to pry... So as you can see, that's the-- [no cut yet]

Hummel Figurine: Oh, wait! I [cut now] got another one! Uh, Talk Like a Pirate Day. I, I, I really like that one.

That Guy: [gives a confused nod] Okay.

Hummel Figurine: What'd you mean by that?

That Guy: Nothing.

Hummel Figurine: Sounded like you were implying something mean.

That Guy: I said nothing to imply that.

Hummel Figurine: Okay, I guess there's no problem then.

That Guy: [shrugs and smiles] Good.

Hummel Figurine: Good! [pauses for a moment and then "walks" out of frame]

That Guy: [eyes follow the Hummel Figurine as she leaves, and then points to where the Hummel Figurine was standing while shaking his head] Fucking lame-o!

Narrator: If you could stop one event in all of history, what would it be and why?

That Guy: Lord, there's so many things you could stop. / The Holocaust, 9/11. / Hundreds of years of unbelievable suffering. / But for me? [sucks air through his teeth as he thinks] I think I would stop that kid from Back to the Future III pointing at his penis. / I mean...why is he doing that? / Here Doc Brown is trying to give a very poignant scene and there's some little bitch, pointing at his penis. / Stupid! / I would get him knocked down real good!

Narrator: Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

That Guy: [begins to answer, but is interrupted by the Hummel Figurine (no cut yet)]

Hummel Figurine: Wait! Wait, [cut now] I got another one! Uh, Raccoon Day! You ever heard of Raccoon Day? That one is AWESOME!

That Guy: It's not for friggin' real!

Hummel Figurine: Yes it is, it's Canadian, I think.

That Guy: No, it's not!

Hummel Figurine: WELL I LIKE RACCOON DAY AND THAT'S FINAL!

That Guy: [throws hands up defensively] Alright, alright! Enjoy your Raccoon Day, I have no problem. Raccoon Day, yay.

Hummel Figurine: Good! [shot holds on Hummel Figurine for a few seconds]

That Guy: [stares at Hummel Figurine with a "WTF is wrong with you" look, and pops his lips as he waits for her to leave]

Hummel Figurine: ...Bye. [leaves abruptly]

That Guy: [watches Hummel Figurine leave and then turns to face the camera again, smiles] Yes! They do enjoy infancy, but not as much as adultery. / Adultery has a few more perks. Sex, mostly. / Now I know what you're thinking: Infants can't enjoy sex yet! [chuckles] I disagree. / You see... [audio is cut once again so we only hear the background music, and the video speeds up as well so that That Guy continues to talk and make very obscene gestures at double-speed]

The Devil (Voice-Over): Hey, Devil again. Uh, I'm just gonna fast-foward this part 'cause even the imagery is too disturbing. Trust me, you'll thank me for it later.

That Guy: [audio returns and video speed returns to normal as he laughs] Aren't you learning so much today?

The Devil (Voice-Over): Yeeeeah.

That Guy: [glances upwards confused, looking for the source of the voice] Who's that?

The Devil (Voice-Over): Yo mama.

Narrator: If "octo" means eight, then why is October the tenth month?

That Guy: [begins to answer, but is once again interrupted by the Hummel Figurine (no cut yet)]

Hummel Figurine: Oh! [cut now] SPATULA Day! I totally forgot about Spatula Day! That is the most awesome holiday ever!

That Guy: Okay, I know for a fact that that is NOT a real holiday!

Hummel Figurine: Yes it is.

That Guy: Yeah? What's it about?

Hummel Figurine: Um... People take a spatula... [cut back to That Guy, who rolls his eyes] and um... [cut back to Hummel Figurine] rub it with bathing oils and... and chocolate... [cut back to That Guy, who raises his eyebrows and nods condescendingly] It, it, it's in honor! Of... [cut back to Hummel Figurine] all the brave spatulas who died in the Great [cut back to That Guy, who throws up his hand in frustration and rolling his eyes before looking back at the Hummel Figurine] Spatula War of... [cut back to Hummel Figurine] 2003.

That Guy: [again nods condescendingly]

Hummel Figurine: Very tragic.

That Guy: Out!! [points offscreen] (no cut)

Hummel Figurine (Voice-Over): Alright, alright, I'm going. [That Guy begins to talk again, but is once again interrupted by the Hummel Figurine (no cut)] Oh, did I also mention I like Life Day?

That Guy: [picks up his gun and shoots toward the Hummel Figurine,]

Hummel Figurine (Voice-Over): [Cries out in surprise. That Guy puts the gun down and tries to talk again, but is interrupted by the Hummel Figurine (no cut).] You know I'll be back, I'm a fan favorite.

That Guy: [Picks up his gun and shoots toward the Hummel Figurine again, who again cries out in surprise. Puts his gun down and is finally able to successfully answer the question.] I'll tell you why! / "Octo" is actually short for the word "octopus." / That is where we get the words from. / And it is well-known that octopuses have an incredible fetish for the number 10. / So October is the tenth month because of their unusual fascination. / Now I know what you're thinking: / How can an octopus have a fetish for a number? [stares at the camera for a few seconds] What the fuck do you know about octopuses? / I'm the expert, and I say they have a fetish for the number 10. / You have to believe me, I'm on the internet! / And people on the internet are never wrong! / They're just never right. / How ruggish. / Oh, by the way, remember when I said that I would kill you last? [takes out his gun, points it toward the camera, and lip syncs over a line spoken by Arnold Schwarzanegger in the movie Commando] I lied. [Fires the gun and sets it back on the countertop. Begins to speak, but is interrupted by the sound of a splat and a baby crying, to which That Guy responds by firing at the baby with his robotic penis.] / [holding a drink in his left hand] This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, there's no such thing as a stupid question, until you ask it. [winks, takes a drink from his glass, and squats down beneath the countertop of the bar]

THE END.

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