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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 59 (2/24/11)

[We see the back of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the counter with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Ashom! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

[music plays as title card shows]

Narrator: Where are you from?

That Guy: That's a very good question. And actually, I'm from a very dark, depressing place. / [jump cut] A place where evil comes together and wants to make everybody's life miserable. / It is a horrifying realm of sin and death that no human being should ever have to see. / That's right. I'm from New Jersey! / In fact, I'm surprised you can understand anything I'm saying through my incredibly thick Jersey accent. / You can probably tell by the fact that I don't care about any of you. / And the fact that I think "Jersey Shore" is gut-wrenching drama. / So please, do yourself a favor and never visit there. / Or, if you do, poke out your eyes, / cut off your ears, / rip off your tongue, / and hide in the openings in your body. / That way, you can say you got the best of you just before Jersey got the best of you. / You won't be able to speak or make any sense, but that means you'll be able to blend into Jersey perfectly. / Jersey: the toilet of God! / Yes.

Narrator: If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

That Guy: STOP CRYING! [makes a slapping gesture, which is followed by a "smack" sound effect and the sound of a baby crying] / Oh, and don't go to Jersey.

Narrator: Can you read my mind?

That Guy: Only if you say it in rhyme and against John Williams music. / John Williams will originally want it to be a song, but you can't sing. / And besides, a song in the story about a man who wears blue spandex and a long red cape would just be silly. / It'd be like making a musical out of...Spiderman, and turning it into a big Broadway hit. / And when I say "hit," I mean people are constantly being hit and injured on the stage. / That's why they call it the NASCAR of Broadway shows. / People just watch it to see who's gonna die. / And of course, Bono's music. / [laughs] Pfft, sorry, I couldn't even say that with a straight face. / Three words that never go together: "people liking Bono." Pfft, it's crazy! / But to answer your question: Santa Claus. [smiles for a few seconds, and then looks away from the camera with a confused expression]

Narrator: What does USA stand for?

That Guy: [very seriously] It stands for truth, justice, peace, and the American way! / [reverts back to his usual demeanor] Oh wait, you mean what do the initials stand for? [laughs] I'm so sorry. / That stands for "U Suck Anus." / Most people think it stands for "United States of America," but if that was true, where's the "o" for "of"? / Are the people of America prejudiced against the word "of"? / [once again very seriously] Well, that's not the America I planned to grow up in! / I grew up in an America that says that all men are created equal! / Women, on the other hand, are screwed. / They are meant to be seen and bought, and not heard! / Just like the word "of"! / God, I hate that word! We should abolish all combinations of "o" and "f"! / Starting with movie titles! / "Raiders of the Lost Ark" will now be "Raiders: The Lost Ark?" Question mark? / "The Secret of Nimh" will now be "The Secret: Nimh!" Explanation [sic] point! / "Clash of the Titans" will now be "Clash: The Titans!!" It'll just be a big group of titans named "Clash." / With two explanation [sic] points! / See? We don't need the word "of"! We simply need punctuation at the end of titles! / Like "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"! Did you ever notice there's no question mark in that title?!

Narrator: Who DID frame Roger Rabbit?

That Guy: [usual demeanor] Rednecks. / [contemptibly] Lousy inbreeders. [smiles again]

Narrator: Does Justin Bieber have a penis?

That Guy: [laughs] No, he has something better: five vaginas! / Have you ever met a boy with five vaginas? I have. / And oh, the nightmare fuel it will give you. Just like Justin Bieber songs!

Announcer: [offscreen, accompanied by award show-styled music, to a very surprised That Guy] Congratulations, you are the 12 millionth person on the internet to make a Justin Bieber joke! [the words "12 Millionth Justin Bieber Joke!" appear on the screen]

That Guy: [screams in a very high-pitched and excited manner, waving his hands frantically] Oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God!! / [words disappear from screen] Oh, I'm so excited! I'd just like to thank Justin Bieber and his five vaginas for making this possible! / But most of all, I'd like to thank the fans for so needlessly hating a little boy who sings music that you don't have to listen to! / Thank you, everybody! Thank you all! / [lets out another high pitched scream of excitement before being abruptly cut off by the next question and the music going back to normal]

Narrator: Why're women's feet so beautiful?

That Guy: They're not. They're totally disgusting. / Ah, I think it's obvious what's going on here. / A certain little fascination somebody has, hmm? / Wake up and smell the roses, man! You have a nose fetish! / Get over it, boy! We all have them! / Have you ever seen a person sneeze in slow mo? [shakes head violently] Eww! / Go to the doctor and see what's wrong with you! You're not normal like me! / [smiles, grabs his bare right foot, lifts it up to his face, kisses it, lets his foot fall back onto the floor, and resumes his normal pose]

Narrator: Were you saying "Boo" or "Boourns"?

That Guy: SIMPSONS DID IT!

Narrator: Is there a good answer when women ask, "Does this make me look fat?"

That Guy: Yes there is. / "No, honey, that doesn't make you look fat, IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE GODZILLA. / Look out, Godzilla in a dress coming through! / I think you should eat Asian tonight because there are some Asian people down the street! / WHORE! YOU'RE AN UGLY, UGLY WHORE!" / The amount of sex you will get will be unbelievable. / You can thank me later. [makes a phone gesture with his free hand and whispers:] Call me.

Narrator: If you were a hot dog and you were starving, would you eat yourself?

That Guy: Only if the hot dog was served... [The theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey" begins to play as That Guy slowly lifts up a dry erase board with the words "WITH ONIONS" written across it. The sound of a crowd loudly cheering plays. The camera holds on That Guy standing with the sign and smiling for several seconds. / Cut to stock footage of a large crowd standing and applauding as the music continues to play. / Cut back to That Guy, who is still holding his board and smiling as the cheering continues. He nods several times. / Cut to more footage of a crowd standing and applauding. / Cut to a close-up of That Guy, who mouths "with onions", widens his eyes briefly, and stares at the camera smiling as the music finishes, before the normal music resumes and the next question appears.]

Narrator: What would happen if you answered this question?

That Guy: I don't know. Let's find out! [sound of thunder as a bright light flashes, covering the entire screen in white] / [a James Brown bobblehead is now where That Guy was previously standing] OH MY GOD I'M JAMES BROWN. I'M JAMES BROWN!!! / [impersonating James Brown] This is James Brown saying, there's no such thing as a stupid question, until you ask it. [A clip of James Brown saying "Ow!!" at the beginning of his song "I Feel Good" plays before the bobblehead is lowered beneath the countertop of the bar.]

THE END.

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