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Ask That Guy With The Glasses Ep. 60 (3/17/11)


[We see the back of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the counter with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Kohomada! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy With The Glasses."

[music plays as title card shows]

Narrator: Why are drakes dragons, but also ducks?

That Guy: That's a very good question. And it's all because of the great scientist, Ludwig von Drake. / [jump cut] You see, "drake" was originally just the name of a dragon, but then Ludwig von Drake came along and did an amazing accomplishment. He cured cancer! / That's right. Cancer Birmingham, one of the most famous Nazis who ever existed! / And because of this, Ludwig von Drake was beheaded, and eaten for dinner. / So we call ducks "drakes" also just to dishonor his name. / And I bet all you thought he did was host Disney specials. / [laughs, and then abruptly becomes angry, slapping the countertop with his pipe hand] Oh, ho-ho-ho--HE HATED JEWS! / [abruptly returns to his regular demeanor, nods] Yes.

Narrator: What is the capitol of New Hampshire?

That Guy: The letter "N." [sound of angry audience booing loudly] Shut up! Shut up, shut up! Shut up! [booing continues until the next title card appears]

Narrator: It's been 5 years. Who let the dogs out?

That Guy: Judge Doom. / Everyone thought he framed Roger Rabbit. But he didn't. He let the dogs out. / [laughs] Isn't that a silly mix-up? Framing somebody for murder and letting a bunch of canines out of a cage? / 'Course, those canines did eat a mother cat and her litter of kittens. [pauses, as if contemplating, then smiles and shakes his head] But that was just funny! / [laughs diabolically] / Or was it? [pause] / Yes, it was. / [laughs diabolically]

Narrator: Why did Tiffany voice Judy Jetson in the Jetsons movie?

That Guy: I think the real question is why do you know this? / I mean, seriously. Why would you know that the daughter did the voice of the mother in the movie that came out years ago? / Wait a minute, the mother's name was Jane. / Who the hell's Tiffany? I'm gonna look it up. / To the IMDB page! [An Adam West-style Batman title card with the IMDB logo appears and the "Batman" theme song begins to play. Several pages from the IMDB website flash in rapid succession, indicating That Guy quickly searching through the site. The IMDB title card shows once again and we cut back to That Guy walking back to his usual spot in his bar.] Okay, now I know. Tiffany was some bullshit singer in the '80s. / Oh, she was also the star of Mega Python! / Classic. / And now that I've figured all this out, I still don't fucking care! / You watched the Jetsons movie recently? / Go outside, the sun misses you! / There's a whole world of people out there waiting to judge you! / [gestures with his hands in a manner indicative of telling the asker to go away] Away you go! [gestures with his hands again, indicating a bird flying away] Fly fly fly!

Narrator: Anyone for tennis?

That Guy: [Abruptly wipes the smile off his face, pulls out his gun, and fires a shot at the camera. Cut to Daffy Duck holding a ruined tennis racket and with bloodshot eyes and smoking clothes, indicating he has just been shot.]

Daffy Duck: [lisping] Nice game!

Narrator: Why do feet smell and noses run?

That Guy: [chuckles] Noses run to get away from the feet smelling them! / In an ironic twist, feet have an incredible fetish for noses. / How do I know this? [points underneath the bar] Because my foot is smelling a nose right now! [frantic sniffing noises come from underneath the bar] Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, I say! I told you before, stop it! [Reaches offscreen, grabs a bottle of Windex, and sprays it toward is feet. Whimpering sounds, similar to that of a dog, come from underneath the bar. The whimpering subsides, That Guy puts the Windex back, and resumes his normal pose. A splat is heard, followed by a baby crying. That Guy moves his pelvis back and forth while rapid machine gunfire comes from the area of his penis. (Note: See Episode 58 to fully understand the joke.)]

Narrator: If train A left New York traveling west at 80 mph, and train B left Chicago traveling 60 mph, then at what time will my Subway club cards be valid?

That Guy: [stares at the camera, smiling, only to have his head loudly explode, covering the bar with smoke and fire]

Narrator: Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

That Guy: Sure, off you go.

Narrator: Th-that's it?

That Guy: Well of course it is, why wouldn't it be?

Narrator: It's just, I was expecting a little something else.

That Guy: Like what?

Narrator: Well, haven't you ever heard of Queen?

That Guy: [laughs] Of course I have! What a terrible singer she is! / Somebody should give her balls just so they can chop them off!

Narrator: I, it's just that I...

That Guy: What? What is it you want me to do?!

Narrator: N-nothing.

That Guy: That's what I thought. Next question.

Narrator: Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, drifting through the wind wanting to start again?

That Guy: No, but I do feel like a pretentious 1999 film that didn't age especially well. / Seriously, watch it again. It's, just okay.

Narrator: Does he look like a bitch?

That Guy: [Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" starts playing in the background while That Guy lip syncs emphatically] Beezelbub has a devil put aside for me! For me! For me!!!! [Throws his pipe very forcefully on the countertop of the bar, which bounces out of frame. That Guy makes the "rock on" symbol with his right hand and begins headbanging. He then grabs the bottle of Windex again, sprays it several times in front of him, and slams the bottle on the countertop, continuing to lip sync.] So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye?! [gesticulates and poses wildly, lip syncing continues] So you think you can love me and leave me to die?! [continues to lip sync while ripping off his ascot, followed by his robe, throwing them roughly onto the floor] Ooooh, baby! Can't do this to me, baby! Just gotta get out! Just gotta get right out of here! [headbangs some more, then grabs the bottle of Windex and begins to spray it again] / I'm so inspired, I'm gonna quit from a car factory somewhere! [runs out of frame]

[Cut to footage playing from the video "How I Quit My Job." Doug walks into a room with "Bohemian Rhapsody" playing on a boombox, dancing around the room with his shirt hanging open and the words "I QUIT" written across his chest.]

[cut back to the bar]

That Guy: [slowly emerges from the underside of the bar, slamming his right hand on the countertop and pulling himself up to look at the camera, continuing to lip sync through the end of the song] Nothing really matters, anyone can see. Nothing really matters... [picks up his drink from the countertop] Nothing really matters, to me... This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, there's no such thing as a stupid question, until you sing it. [Takes a breath, then takes a sip of his drink, holds it up and then smiles at the camera, before finally sinking tiredly behind the bar. The song continues to play through the end of the last title card.]

[credit title card and Channel Awesome logo play]

Doug: [holds his camera at arm's length in front of his face] Ladies and gentlemen, I have sad news. [Turns the camera to the floor, where we see That Guy's pipe broken into two pieces. Turns the camera back to his face.] Fuck.

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