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Ask That Guy Episode 63 (September 15, 2011)

[We see the back wall of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the bench with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Li-ho! [Taiwanese for "Hello" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."

[opening introduction']

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Have I told you lately that I love you?

That Guy (with pipe in right hand and back to screen right, he turns to the camera): That's a very good question, and the answer is: Yes. Yes, you have. (Pauses for a few seconds) What the fuck is wrong with you? / [jump cut] I mean, here I work and slave all day in front of a hot stove; and you can't once, just once, treat me like a piece of meat? / Every day, you hug me and caress me. Can't you just tell me I'm completely worthless? / (puts mouthpiece at camera) Can't you act like I don't exist? / I DON'T have feelings! I DON'T have dreams! Can't you ever acknowledge that? / No. I guess it's far more important for you to tell me how beautiful I am. / You make me sick! SICK to the balls! / And IF one day, instead of a note saying, "I'm gonna leave you forever", you get a very warm, heartfelt meal cooked for you... (breathes in deeply) you'll know who it's from. / (leans in with a breathless tone) Nazi raper! / Yes.

Narrator: What about the heart you promised Tin Man? Or the courage you promised Lion? And Scarecrow's brain?

That Guy: (chuckles) My dear boys, you had those things all along! / You see, a man with brains is (he then quickly looks and points off-screen) LOOK OVER THERE! (then he runs off-screen)

Narrator: Why won't you look at me during sex?

That Guy: I told you; because you're ugly as a dog. / Half the time, I don't even know what gender you are. Or species! / You're like a box of chocolates of lifeforms. I have no idea what I'm going to get! / But let's just compromise and say, "I'm right, and you're wrong," and forget about the entire thing. / Except for the "you being wrong" part. You should be hanged for that. / (chuckles and looks up) Did you know that I was in Amistad? / I was the black guy.

Narrator: In the movie Gremlins, they say you shouldn't feed the Gremlins after midnight. Well, then when exactly CAN I start feeding them?

That Guy: (back to right with pipe in mouth and turn) Never. Let them starve. / I mean, think about it. If you feed these cute little things after midnight, and they grow into these horrible little monsters... who wants THAT? / (looks up) Well, me, (looks back at camera) but that's because I'm a sick FUCK! / Now I KNOW what you're thinking. / If I don't feed the Gremlins, what about that cute little Gizmo? / Let him decay. / I think it's worth sacrificing one half-chewed Pokemon to save an entire world from little monsters. / Besides, Howie Mandel probably won't do the voice for him anymore. / He heard somebody looked at his microphone, and NOW he's afraid of germs. / Seriously, though, OCD, is a very serious condition / for ME to laugh at. / (lets out a very weird laugh) / So, bottom line: let the Gremlins starve unless Howie Mandel is gonna come back to do the voice. / I'm lying, of course. I WASN'T in Amistad. I was in The Color Purple. / I was the black guy.

Narrator: What the hell am I looking at? When does this happen in the movie?

That Guy: Now. You're looking at "now", sir. Everything's that happening now is happening now.

Narrator: What happened to then?

That Guy: We passed it.

Narrator: When?

That Guy: (irritated, he waves us off) Go watch the fucking movie for the rest. [Spaceballs, BTW - ed.]

Narrator: Ummmmm, what was I gonna say again?

That Guy: You are going to say, "Alka-Seltzer." (an off-screen voice weirdly shouts, "ALKA-SELTZER?!?", a smiling That Guy quickly becomes worried. Good reason. He's quickly hit by a photoshopped wooden sledgehammer down into the ground from screen-left, with appropriate crashing sound effect. Three more rapid hits are done for good measure.)

Narrator: Are you still hiring?

(TG starts to speak again but is quickly hit again by that hammer.)

Narrator: These sweet, clustery things have fiber?!

That Guy: Well, of course they do. What else would my balls be filled with? / And not only that, it's part of a complete breakfast. / My balls are nutritious and filled with so many fun shapes that children will enjoy! / And if you look closely inside, you'll even find a toy! (pauses) A DILDO! / Because we all know the famous saying: "There's always a dildo in a box of balls." / (looks up) Or was it, "Never count your eggs before they hatch"? (looks back, speaking fast) Oh, well. Who cares? Mine's better.

Narrator: Have you ever attempted a world record before?

That Guy: Yes. Apparently, I'm the only person in the world you can do this: / (a glockenspiel dings as we cut of a human brain seemingly "floating" in mid-air as we hear [Doug's] high-pitched screaming along with some [of Doug's] ghoulish voices) / (another ding, and we're back to normal) But I still can't roll my tongue. Isn't that weird?

Narrator: Who is the better pony: Rainbow Dash or Twilight Sparkle?

That Guy: Well, (tapping mouthpiece against his chin) Rainbow Dash certainly does boast about her talents a lot; but, then again, she is a very faithful friend. / (taps mouthpiece again) However, Twilight Sparkle is the smartest of the group; but that leads to her not being very SOCIAL. / Rainbow Dash is always so competitive and trying to start things up. / (starts leaning his hip against the bar) But you have to admit there's sort of this tragedy to Twilight Sparkle. I mean, she's so intelligent and has all this talent, yet she just wants to be loved. / There's an emotional need there that she doesn't always get from the other ponies, but God knows she's trying. / I don't know. It depends on whether or not you like the confident ponies or the insecure ponies. / But then again, overconfidence is sort of a sign of insecurity, isn't it? / I suppose, in the long run, I have to go with Twilight Sparkle because she just wants to feel NEEDED. / So what if she looks in books to see how slumber parties are conducted? You know what? She still has feelings. / So yes, Twilight Sparkle is definitely the much better pony. / No, I mean, (in a loud, boisterous tone) FUCK THAT SHIT! I GOT BALLS! / [this time, he holds the drink in his left hand] This is My Little Pony saying, (actually, sadly shouting) "JUST LET ME LIKE GIRL SHOWS!" (He then leaves the bar screen-right playfully trotting, singing the My Little Pony theme song, as much as he remembers - "My Little Pony, My Little Pony, La la-la-LA la-la-LA...". He then comes back in view still singing the song and moving from left to right; but this time he's in front of the bar. As his singing fades, we reach...)

THE END

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