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(Ask ThatGuy slides up into view from behind the counter)

Ask ThatGuy: Hasha, didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy with the Glasses.

(Title Card)

Narrator: What is your favorite scary movie?

Ask ThatGuy: That's a very good question, and the answer is "Mrs. Doubtfire". Oh, sure, it may look like your everyday family comedy, but it is fucked up. If someone you divorced decided to dress up like a woman just to watch your kids, what would you think? And he was a bum, anyway. Just a giant manchild who couldn't keep a job. Now, Pierce Brosnan, he was a real father. He loved the kids, he was successful, he was nice, he put up with a man who dressed up like a woman and gave him shit, until he found out that a man was dressing up like a woman and gave him shit. In which case, he left, destroying a possible new family. Family film my anus. Incidently, a family once did film my anus. I like to call that, "Mrs. Doubtfire 2", though it wasn't that scary.

Narrator: I've heard from a friend that you can turn water into wine and that you can walk on water. Is he telling the truth, or is he confusing you with "someone" else? 

Ask ThatGuy: Oh, ho, ho, no, that's not me. That is somebody else. The holiest of holiest, the most sacred of names, sweet, enduring love eternal, Larry Down the Street. People are always getting us confused because we look very similar. But there is one easy way to tell us apart: Have sex with us and see which one of us will kill you in your sleep. Don't worry, I won't give away which one of us will do it. You'll just have to figure that out yourself. I think you'll be plesantly surprised. (Pause; worried look) No you won't.

Narrator: Can switching to Geico really save me 15% or more on car insurance? 

Ask ThatGuy: No, but switching to Gecko insurance can. I bet you've never heard of Gecko insurance. Well, that's because people keep getting the two mixed up. You see, Geico insurance has the talking gecko, and Gecko insurance has the sodomizing marshmallow. You'd think with such two totally different mascots that nobody would be able to tell them apart. That's because you are idiots. One's a green lizard, the other one will rape you in your sleep. I won't tell you which one, though. I think you'll be plesantly surprised. (Pause; worried look) No, really, you won't.

Narrator: Now that Apple has an iphone app that can anwer questions with voice command, is there any point to your existance anymore?

Ask That Guy: Why, didn't you know? I invented that. I mean think about it: How many times has it given you an answer that's either wrong or you get incredibly frustrated at? Don't think you can get rid of me that easily, I'm only getting stronger. Because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE ENTITLED TO! (Clip from A Few Good Men)


Kaffee: Did you order the code red?

Ask ThatGuy: I did the job I--

Kaffee: DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?!

Ask ThatGuy: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID! (Clip of Kaffee with shocked look) Now, kindly, leave my house, Tom Cruise. You've been here for, like, a week!

Narrator: Can you help me with my homework?

Ask ThatGuy: Certainly. The answer is, "I want to stab your face and chew kittens". If you put that on your paper, you'll never have to do homework again... or ever go to school again. Chances are you'll probably be confined to a room where people are studying you all the time, but my guess is if you're stupid enough to write that down anyway, you're probably used to that. Remember, lobotomies always lead to ice cream. Yes.


Narrator: How do you make it look like an accident?

Ask ThatGuy: Well, that depends. Do you mean wetting yourself or hiding the body? Perhaps you mean hiding the body who wet himself, in which case I advise you to fly that person out to a cliff, push that person off, pour some water on his crotch right after he landed, and then be like, "Oh, my God! He totally tripped and fell... and wet his pants!" Because that's what people do after then die. They wet and shit themselves. They never do show you that part in movies, but maybe that's because it wouldn't be as poetic. Can you imagine if Simba's father shit himself after he died? (Imitating Simba from The Lion King) Oh, father, wake up, father, wake up! (Flatulence sound) Fa-ther! (Shrugs as music plays and the word "POO" appears on screen)

Narrator: Should I put rims on my wheelchair's wheels to look sexier for my girlfriend?

Ask ThatGuy: Oh yes indeed. But you know what would be even sexier? Walking.

Narrator: Why does Micky wear pants, but no shirt, and Donald wears a shirt but no pants?

Ask ThatGuy: Well, Mickey never wears a shirt because, honestly, he was trying out for Twilight. That's right, even years before anyone knew it was ever going to exist, Mickey knew this was going to be a popular franchise. So he started preparing for it by never wearing his shirt and hoping his muscles would do the rest. Unfortunately, Mickey doesn't have any muscles, because he is a mouse. So, in hindsight, this was a pretty stupid plan. In fact, I should call Mickey and see why he wanted to do that in the first place. (Takes out phone and dials number) Hello, Mickey, ThatGuywithTheGlasses--

(The next two lines are yelled simutaneously)

Mickey: I WILL CUT OFF YOUR BALLS! YOUR BALLS ARE MY DINNER! I WILL EAT THEM AND THEY WILL TASTE DE-FRIGGIN'-LICIOUS!

Ask ThatGuy: GO TO HELL! GO TO HELL! DIE! I HOPE YOU DIE! ROT IN HELLLLLLLLLL!

(Ask ThatGuy hangs up)

Ask ThatGuy: Oh, and Donald doesn't wear pants because he's a perv.

Narrator: He-Man says he has the power, and Captain Planet says the power is yours. Who really has the power?

(Ask ThatGuy opens his mouth to answer, but Mickey is heard yelling from the phone. Ask ThatGuy picks it up and yells back, then hangs up)

Ask ThatGuy: Well, it's a bit of a trick question. You see, you honestly do have the power, and He-Man needs that power. So, the fact of the matter is, He-Man gets his power from you... mostly up the ass. Trust me, I've seen the tapes. I know he gets a lot of power from young men. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Really? Another gay He-Man joke? Aren't there enough of those?" There will never be enough 'till he comes out of the closet! Stop being ashamed! You're gay! You're proud! You're here! You're queer! I will never stop until He-Man confesses himself or Bert and Ernie finally get married! (Disgusted) Don't turn gay pride into gay shame.... that's my job. This is Larry Down the Street saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until you ask it." (Takes a drink from his wine glass and slides down behind the counter)

(Credits roll) Ask ThatGuy: But you know what would be even sexier? Walking. (Pause; laughs) Wow. (Puts head on counter) I'm so sorry, whoever asked that.

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