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Ask That Guy with the Glasses Episode 67 (Feb. 16, 2012)

[We see the back wall of That Guy's bar. He rises up from behind the bench with a drink in his left hand and his traditional pipe in his right.]

That Guy: Hej! [Swedish for 'hey'] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to "Ask That Guy with the Glasses."

[opening introduction]

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Why does Peppermint Patty keep calling Charlie Brown Chuck all the time?

That Guy (with pipe in right hand and back to screen right, he turns to the camera): That's a very good question, and the answer is: because she has the hots for him. / You see, when a person is attracted to another person, they often call them by nicknames. / For example, I call my blow-up doll "Kevin." / Now I know what you're thinking: / "Isn't Peppermint Patty a total lesbo?" / No! Because lesbians don't exist. / They were just made up to make men more horny. / She simply acts like a lesbian so she can get that girl with the glasses to do her bidding. / Now I know what you're thinking again: / If that girl with the glasses wants her so badly, doesn't that technically make her a lesbian? [pauses for a few seconds] No. / She's just nuts.

Narrator: Republican or Democrat?

That Guy: I'll take "Sanity," thank you.

Narrator: I have a demon in my house. It's talking to me, telling me things that I can't understand. What do I do?

That Guy: [chuckles] I had something similar happen to me once. / It turns out it was just a little child who snuck into my house, playing some tricks on me, making noises all throughout the place. [pauses for a few beats] But I still didn't take any chances. / I shot the little bastard twenty times [demonstrates] in the shape of a cross just to be sure. / Remember: it doesn't matter if you win or lose, just as long as somebody else loses, too. / That's the American Way. [gives a military salute with a creep/happy face as Battle Hymn of the Republic plays]

Narrator: Are hipsters becoming mainstream?

That Guy: No. They're simply becoming more obnoxious and more annoying. / The solution? Thinking for yourself, / instead of going out of your way to think the opposite of what everybody else is thinking. / Alright, just for all the hipsters out there watching that haven't caught onto that yet, / I think it would be a good idea if you all DON'T shoot yourself. [we hear a barrage of gunfire as That Guy happily looks off-screen-right. When the gunfire stops, he looks back at us] God, I love my job.

Narrator: Do you love your job?

That Guy: [crying] No, it's the [hits counter with his right fist] worst job in the world!!! I just sent hundreds and hundreds of people to their death!! [openly sobs with head on counter] / [back to normal demeanor] Sorry about that. Every once in a while, my humanity does come out. / Whenever I actually do have a human emotion, I just let my inner hatred destroy it. / [starts to cry again but quickly sighs as his face turns happy again]

Narrator: Have you seen Junior's grades?

That Guy: I certainly have. I've never seen such a level of failure. / Apparently, Junior's grades have been so bad that they had to create a new letter to grade him! / Instead of giving an F, he got a "Flil": / a brand new letter to make children feel even worse about their intelligence than they already do. / But hey, it could've been worse. [leans in] He could've gotten a "Flil gorn." [leans back and pauses] Oh, a "gorn" is something actually less than a "minus." I'm so proud of my son.

Narrator: What does God need with a starship?

That Guy: Well, that depends. What does God need with millions of people worshipping him? / Try asking THAT in Sunday School. You'll get a "Flil" in a millisecond. / [serious tone as he slowlys leans in] Or maybe you'll start the revolution of Cthulhu. / [normal postion and happy tone] Either way, you'll get grounded.

Narrator: If Jesus can turn water into wine and humans are 90% water, am I drunk?

That Guy: [back to right and turn] Yes, but that's beside the point. / You see, there's already so much wine in our bodies. / If out bodies are made up of 90% water, then how come, when I prick my finger something red comes out? [pauses] Because it's wine! / [chuckles] I tell ya, I get drunk on my blood so much you wouldn't believe. / I just prick my finger and start drinking all the blood that comes out of there. And you know how I know it's wine? Because the more I drink, the more light-headed I get! And the more things start to swoon and get dizzy! / [starts swaying back and forth] Just thinking of it now is making me sort of... [sways more violently until he falls down screen-left]

Narrator: Why is it a pair of panties but just one bra?

That Guy: [back to right and turn] Because little do you know, women actually wear [holds up two fingers] two panties! / [points down with his pipe] One down there, [demonstrates] and one to roll up and stuff in their bra! / Now I know what you're thinking: / If they only stuff one part of the bra, what do they do with the other part? / Well, they just get a boob job for that one breast. / I know, I know. You're saying to yourself: "Isn't that insanely complicated? / Wouldn't it make more sense to stuff both parts of the bar with panties or get a boob job for both breasts?" [pauses again] Well, women are crazy! They watch Twilight! / And enjoy it! / Ssssick!

Narrator: Why is lunchmeat mostly round, but bread is square?

That Guy: It's part of Al-Qaeda's plan. / [holding a drink in his left hand] This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, there's no such thing as a stupid question, until you ask it. [winks, takes a drink from his glass, and squats down beneath the countertop of the bar]

THE END

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