A Kid in King Arthur's Court
February 11, 2009
NC is banging his head on his desk
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. (bangs his head three more times) I'm sorry, I'm just trying to violently knock out all memory of this godawful movie I just saw. A Kid in King Arthur's Wart. (bangs his head) A Kid in King Louie's Cart. (bangs his head) A Cat in Bea Arthur's Cooch. There we go! No memory at all! I can't talk about a movie if I can't even remember the title! So it looks like I don't have to review A Kid in King Arthur's Court. DAMMIT!
scenes of movie play.
NC:(VO) There are movies that are bad, movies that are sinful, and movies that rape the fabric of space and time. A Kid in King Arthur's Court is all of those, with a bucket full of shame and a mountain full of writers diarrhea.
NC: And unless I can quickly repress the memory of this movie...(bangs his head) It stars the kid from American Pie. Fuck! It looks like I have to review it.
NC: So it starts off with Merlin looking an awful lot like Nick Nolte's mug shot calling upon his magic to bring a brave knight to Camelot to save his kingdom.
Merlin: Oh great spirit of light...bring me that knight!
Cut to baseball game
NC:(VO)(as Merlin) No, no. I said "bring me a knight", not "show me cutscenes from Rookie of the Year"!
NC:(VO) So we see our main character named Calvin. And no, he's not a ten year old with an imaginary tiger, but he's pretty much on the same brainlength. We see him at a baseball game where it turns out he's not exactly the best player.
Calvin: Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God....(watches two strikes go by without swinging).
NC:(as coach) Why'd I sign this kid up again? Oh yeah, 'cause I'm doing his mother. HIT THE BALL!!!
Coach: Keep your eye on the ball, Cal!
NC: Oh, and hitting it would be nice too!
Pitcher: Hasta la vista, Fuller.
NC:(as Arnold Schwarzenegger) YOU DO NOT HAVE COPYRIGHT OF THAT CATCHPHRASE! I EAT YOU! I EAT YOU ALL!!!
NC:(VO) After refusing to hit the ball three times in a row, Calvin is forced to take his seat, where his teammates rightfully make fun of him.
Teammate: Fuller, get me my bat.
Calvin: As you wish, your highness.
NC: Hey, act like the ball isn't going to rape you and then you can talk back to the players!
NC:(VO) Well, it looks like even the Earth isn't fond of our hero as the ground literally devours him and swallows him whole.
NC:(VO)(as Calvin) Oh, I sure hope there's no baseballs down there!
NC:(VO) We're then transported to what looks like a fucking Ren fair as the sky shits out our hero and drops him onto some unconvincing medieval costumes.
Calvin lands on bandit with chest and throws the chest to approaching knights on horseback.
NC:(VO)(as Calvin) Be careful! I think there's a baseball in there! It'll kill your family!
NC:(VO) It turns out that the kid stopped a robbery as precious treasures were being stolen from a very frail and pudgy looking King Arthur.
Arthur: Find the brave man who foiled the Black Knight. I want to thank him personally. Please. (sinister looking Lord Belasco appears) Thank thee, Lord Belasco.
Belasco: A pleasure, your highness.
NC:(as Belasco) Did I mention I'm the villain? No? BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE TO!!!
NC:(VO) So Calvin is captured by the guards as they're told that he should be brought before the king.
Guard: Take him to Camelot!
NC: ...Aren't we in Camelot? ...He...Hello?
NC:(VO) So they take him to King Arthur to decide whether or not Calvin is a threat. But they quickly discover the only threat he poses is to their lunches.
Calvin: Hey guys, where's the boy's room? I've been holding it since the third inning. Where are we going? Hey, don't I get a phone call or something?
NC:(laughs) It's funny 'cause there are no phones in medieval times. (laughs)...Yeah, there's a lot of jokes like that.
NC:(VO) So Arthur asks the boy a series of questions to find out more about him.
Arthur: Tell me, what do they call thee, boy?
NC:(as Calvin) Oh, lots of things. Jerkoff, Dickweed, Bane Of My Existence. I have a whole list.
NC:(VO) But the boy seems to amuse Arthur and his two daughters that...wait a minute. When did Arthur have two daughters? And is one of them Kate Winslet? (close up of Princess Sarah)
Sarah: Where did you say you were from?
NC:(VO) Holy shit! It is! It's Kate Winslet!
Sarah: May I suggest for our honored visitor from Receda a fortnight of training with Master Kane?
NC: Don't try to class this movie up, lady. It's not worth it.
Calvin: Your highness?
Calvin: I don't mean to butt in here, but where's the Round Table?
Arthur: Round Table?
Calvin: Yeah, where you and your knights have meetings. It's round so you gotta look everbody in the eye. No favorites. Everybody's equal.
Arthur: Everybody's equal. (laughs) Fascinating idea!
NC:(VO) Oh, so it's because of Calvin that we have the infamous Round Table! I see. That must have been mentioned in The Lost Scrolls: Too Dumb For History! I think it also mentioned why Arthur always wears a lobster bib, but I could be wrong. So Calvin gets friendly with the king's daughter, Princess Katey, where she shows him a secret passageway because apparently all guest rooms have secret passageways. She shows him Merlin's old quarters where all the swords, armor, spells, and everything else that would've made this movie a lot cooler are stored.
Katey: That's just father's old sword.
Calvin: Old sword? That's Exalibur!
Katey: My, thou does know a lot.
Calvin: I watch a lot of CNN.
NC: Oh yeah! Because they're always talking about that kind of stuff on CNN! "Bailout plan in danger! The economy's getting worse! Did you know that King Arthur had a sword named Excalibur? More at 11."
NC:(VO) After Katey leaves, we see Calvin come across the mystical toilet that apparently hold Merlin for some reason.
Merlin: What are you doing here, boy? Stand aside so I may see my great warrior!
NC: Ooooh this is awkward.
Calvin: I hate to tell you this, but I'm the only one here.
Merlin: Something has gone horribly wrong!
NC: I think you could tell that just by the title.
Calvin: What am I doing here?
Merlin: I brought you here...to save Camelot. Arthur is in trouble! His kingdom has been shattered!
NC:(as Merlin) Plots are going nowhere! Scenes just prattle on and die! We need to do something!
NC:(VO) So even though they both share the correct notion that Calvin is a loser, he's shown into the training room, where they try to make him a true...(close up of Kane) DANIEL CRAIG?!
NC: He's in this too?! Good God, this is like that desperate porno a celebrity does before he becomes famous...only more painful and far less entertaining!
NC:(VO) But it's not just Craig. Princess Katey it turns out is a master of swordplay too. Oh yeah, because they were all doing that at the time. Women were always told how to use a sword in the dark ages. That's why they were always considered just as equal as men. This movie's as historically accurate as a Medieval Times restaurant.
scene from The Cable Guy
Waitress: There were no utensils in medieval times, hence there are no utensils at Medieval Times. Would you like a refill on that Pepsi?
Calvin: (lifting a sword) God, these things are a lot heavier than they look on TV.
NC: Yes. He comes from the nineties. Isn't it funny? HA!
Calvin: (wearing a helmet) It smells like something died in here.
NC: Uh, someone did die in there.
Calvin tries to get on a wooden horse and falls off the other side.
NC: Come on, Spamalot had more dignity than this!
NC:(VO) But, as Calvin discovers, he's not exactly the world's greatest fighter.
Calvin misses a target with an axe, and footage is shown of an axe flying out of a window and hitting somebody. He shoots an arrow, and footage is shown from Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Concorde: (arrow in his chest) Message for you, sir.
Calvin spars with Katey over sound from Looney Tunes
Daffy Duck: Ho! Ha Ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Ha! Thrust!
Katey knocks Calvin into the water
Calvin: I cannot believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book. Then again, since I'm here, maybe it's the...newest...trick in the book.
NC: Wow, I can't believe I just heard the lamest joke in the world! Or, since I'm here, the lamest joke in history!
NC:(VO) Meanwhile we see Winslet do princessy things like picking flowers and turning down old creepy guys who happen to have the royal hots for her.
Belasco: You are the most exquisite flower in this garden, Princess.
Sarah: There is one major difference between the garden flowers and myself, Lord Belasco. A rose will prick you, but I will do far worse.
NC:(as Kate Winslet) I can't believe I'm gonna be doing Hamlet after this.
NC:(VO) After that, Calvin asks one of the local blacksmiths if he can make him a pair of rollerblades. Yeah, I'm not kidding. A pair of rollerblades.
Blacksmith:(looking at rollerblades) By the circle builders themselves!
NC: Wait, who?
Blacksmith: By the circle builders themselves!
NC: What the hell does that mean? The circle builders? Is that like some sort of medieval rock band? I mean, while you're at it, why don't you say...
NC:(VO)(as blacksmith) By the "Square Makers of Antiock"!
NC:(VO)(as blacksmith) By the "triangle trimmers of Trickle Street"!
NC:(VO)(as blacksmith) By the power of the "Parallelogram Pounders"!
NC: Ooh! We're really mystical now!
NC:(VO) So Calvin and Katey go rollerblading through King Arthur's castle...
NC: Wow, that did sound as stupid as I thought it would.
NC:(VO) ...as they work their way back down to the training room, where Calvin it finally seems is getting the hang of actually hitting something. But Lord Baldingskunk is determined to make a mockery of Calvin's achievements.
Belasco: Well, if you've had enough of fighting wooden men, how do you fancy taking on a real man for a change?
Calvin and Belasco fight
NC:(VO)(as Calvin) Look out! He might have a baseball!
Calvin is disarmed but kicks Belasco in the crotch
NC: OH! RIGHT IN THE CRYSTAL BALLS!
Belasco:(voice sped up and heightened) You will use that belt to hang yourself with! Because when I come for you, it will be worse. Far, far worse.
NC:(VO) So in order to celebrate his ball-busting victory, Katey and Calvin share a meal together.
Katey: Beautiful, but what is it?
Calvin: Big Mac.
NC:(as Calvin) I meant some Chicken Mcnuggets, but I didn't see any raccoon testicles lying around! (laughs)
NC:(as Calvin) (laughs) Oh my God, it just hit me. I may never see my family again, my friends are gone, and I'm in a time period I will never survive in.....Oh well! (continues happily eating burger)
NC:(VO) So Calvin and Katey go riding when they spot Winslet and Craig doing...
Sarah and Kane kiss
NC: WHOA! HOT BRITISH SEX! I never thought those three words would go together, but WHOA!
NC:(VO) But as those two share their love for one another, Calvin tries his hand at this romance thing as well.
While she is bending over him, Calvin sneaks a kiss on Katey's cheek.
Katey: You deceived me! (kicks him) Impertinant!
Kane: You are a clever lad.
Calvin: I think she likes me.
NC:(as Calvin) Yeah, that's why she kicked me! Most women who like me kick me. I'm a ladies man.
NC:(VO) However, it turns out Katey is in love, but judging by this scene we're not quite sure to who.
Sarah is brushing Katey's hair on a bed.
Sarah: You are in love, little one.
Katey: Don't be silly! ...Can't hide anything from you, can I?
Sarah: I know it all too well myself.
NC: Are your talking about Calvin or...
Katey: Does it always hurt this much?
Sarah: (whispering) Sometimes, it hurts much worse.
NC: ...Am I the only one finding this kinda hot?
Katey: What is to become of our family, Sarah?
NC's heart is beating into his shirt.
Sarah: I know not, but I will always look after thee.
scene fades out as they embrace
NC: WAIT, NO! GO BACK! GO BACK! I WANNA SEE 'EM GET IT ON!
scene fades in to show Calvin and Arthur
NC:(VO) OH, SON OF A BITCH!
NC: WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HOT MEDIEVAL LESBIANISM--one of the few things I want to see before I die--AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN IT CUTS TO THOSE TWO PUTZES?! I MEAN, COME ON! What kind of sexual eroticism can we possibly get out of those two?
Calvin: Never swallow.
Arthur: Never swallow.
NC: ...GO...BACK...TO THE LESBIANS!
NC:(VO) (sighs) Alright, so there's no more hot british lesbian sex--wow, FOUR words I never thought I'd hear together--but Calvin does manage to get the blacksmith to make him a bike. Yup. First it was the rollerblades, now it's a bike.
Katey: What is it?
Calvin: It's a mountain bike.
NC: For God's sake, how many ground-breaking technologies can that blacksmith make?
Katey:(dubbed by NC) What is that?
wooden car appears
Calvin:(dubbed by NC) It's a Ford Focus, with antilock brakes, standard CD, MP3 player, and new electronic stability control. Neat, huh?
NC:(VO) So the two of them decide to ride their bike and go on a picnic. Here we get to see editing at its worst as it literally just dissolves in every single cut.
NC: Why the hell are they doing that? You usually dissolve just to show a passing of time. I mean is that what's going on? Is time going by as they're talking?
NC(VO)(as Calvin) I never knew my mother that well. I heard she was a prostitute with crabs...(dissolve cut)...In seventh grade, I knew I had to wear diapers for the rest of my life, so it took a little adjusting and...(dissolve cut)...Sometimes I just hit the wall and cry out of nowhere, and I have no idea why.
NC:(VO) So, okay, these two are supposedly falling in love if you can buy that as Calvin says goodbye to his sweetheart at the door.
Calvin: (to the door to her room)I haven't had this much fun in my whole life. I know you're worried about your father.(cut to show Katey getting kidnapped at knifepoint just inside) Me too. I promise I'll do everything I can to keep Belasco from screwing things up.
NC:You know, you're right next to the door, kid. You really can't hear her struggling and mumbling for help?
NC:(VO)(as Katey) HELP ME!
Calvin: I haven't had this much fun in my whole life.
NC:(VO)(as Katey) CALL THE GUARDS!
Calvin: I know you're worried about your father.
NC:(VO)(as Katey) I'M WORRIED ABOUT ME, YOU MORON!
Calvin: I guess that's all.
NC:(VO)(as Katey) DON'T LEAVE ME!
Calvin: Oh yeah...
NC:(VO)(as Katey) HEEEELP!
Calvin: You're a great kisser.
NC:(VO)(as Katey) OH MY GOD, WHAT AN IDIOT!
NC:(VO) So yeah. The brave warrior princess who has been taught swordfighting all her life suddenly can't use her fighting techniques on a couple of guards.
NC: This is a very common case I like to call (sign appears) The Dumbass in Distress Disorder.
NC:(VO) This usually involves a strong, totally independent female who, for the first two acts of the movie kicks everybody's ass and is a mighty force to reckon with. But then, near the end of the movie...
NC:(as female character) Oh. As the third act's getting closer I suddenly find myself becoming...dumber and less competent. And now suddenly I'm in danger! Oh, If only there was a man around to save me. They never seem to succumb to this strategicly contrived illness!
NC:(VO) So they sneak her out under the COVER OF DAYLIGHT for some reason and Lord Eyeshadow tells Winslet that he has her sister and the only way he'll let her go is if she marries him.
Sarah: You cannot force me to marry you!
Belasco:(mock crying) If you do not consent, then Princess Katherine will die!
NC:(as Belasco) Ha! You see what I just did there? I made fun of YOUR acting! (laughs evilly) Because I'M the one who will have a career after this movie! I was the villain in True Lies! When will YOU ever be in a James Cameron movie? (laughs evilly) Oh God, I'm funny.
NC:(VO) So Lord Gaycloak plans to pin the whole kidnappping on Calvin. But Calvin escapes as he tells the king what's going on and pleads with him to help.
Calvin: She's been taken prisoner.
Arthur: That's impossible!
Calvin: Belasco's orders.
Arthur: But I would trust Lord Belasco with my life!
Calvin: You've been faked out! Played for a sucker! Your chain has been royally pulled!
NC:(as Calvin) And other things I'm sure children my age say!
NC:(VO) So the king decides to help him out as Calvin goes and hides.
Belasco: Sorry, Your highness. I have terrible news.
Calvin moves in hiding behind a suit of armor's crotch
NC:(VO)(as knight's armor) Never mind me! I'm just a moving hunk of armor with a kid's face for a crotch!
Arthur: Why are you wasting my time? Find me that boy! Bring me his head on a pike!(cocks his head)
NC:(as Arthur) I'm acting! (cocks his head)
NC:(VO) So Calvin thinks up a plan. He and the king dress like peasants so they can break into Lord Ponytail's fortress and save Katey.
NC: Yeah, yeah, that's a good plan. Or, seeing how he's the king maybe he could just say arrest that bastard, bring my daughter back, and have this all fixed in TWO MINUTES!!!
NC:(VO) But the movie decides this is more exciting as the king discovers he's not as welcome in his kingdom as he thought.
Calvin: They find out you're the king, you're dead meat!
Arthur: I don't understand.
Calvin: Let's boogie.
NC:(VO)(as Calvin) 'Cause that's what kids say, right? They say boogie? Get down? Do the hammer time? Funky monkey? I swear I'm cool! Please tell me I'm cool!
Kate is scared by a rat
NC:(VO) Ah, yes. Again, this fearsome warrior princess can battle with a bow, arrow and sword (feminine voice) but is just so afraid of those pesky, dirty rats! Ew! (normal voice) Meanwhile, our two heroes break into the fortress to save the day.
Katey screams, then Arthur shushes Calvin
NC:(VO)(as Arthur) Quiet. I think I hear my daughter pussing out.
Katey: Oh, I knew you'd come!
Calvin: You wouldn't happen to have a key, would you?
Arthur: I have something better, lad. A father's love for a daughter. (slams the cell door) Ooooohhhh!
NC:(as Calvin) Well, I have a boy's horniness for a hot chick! Let's see if that works!
Calvin:(opens cell door) Cool!
NC:(VO) But the guards arrive as the king pans to rediscover his inner knight once more.
Arthur swordfights with guards
NC:(VO) Oh, Come on! You could blow on the old geezer and he'd fall over!
NC:(VO)(as Calvin) Be careful! Some of them might be carrying baseballs! God help you if they're carrying baseballs!
Calvin cuts a rope to drop a chandelier on the guards, but it doesn't fall.
Calvin: Gee, this always works in the movies.
NC: Oh yeah, 'cause the "realism" of this moment totally made me forget that this was, in fact, a movie! (Italian accent) That's-a good-a filmmaking!
NC:(VO) But Katey gets kidnapped AGAIN as her heroes plead for her life at the edge of a cliff.
Guard: Stop there, or she flies like a bird!
Calvin: No, take me!
NC and Audience: PLEASE!
Guard: Oh, I'm afraid rock and roll will not work this time.
Calvin: You're wrong. It is the great equalizer. (shines laser from open discman on his face)
NC:(VO) What the hell?! (as guard) Oh! Please! That's mildly annoying!
Guard falls off cliff screaming with terrible special effect
NC: Okay! First of all...
NC:(VO) The laser on a discman can't be turned on unless the discman is closed.
NC: Second, how come when the knight falls, he suddenly turns into a hand puppet?
NC:(VO) I mean, did they have any effects for this movie at all? So our heroes finally return the princess back home to be reunited with her sister.
Sarah: Oh thank God! (kisses and hugs Katey)
NC:(pervertedly) Oh yeah! Kiss her! Touch her all over!
NC:(VO) Now I know what you're thinking: Aren't they sisters? Isn't the idea of them making out sick?
NC:(VO) Hey, they're actresses first and sisters second!
NC: And that's good enough in my porno...book!
NC:(VO) So now it's time to put that evil douchewhore in his place!
Belasco: You're looking uh...extremely well, your highness. If you'll just excuse me I'll go and get ready for the tournament. (runs off)
NC:(VO) WHAT?! You're gonna let him walk after all he's done?!
Calvin: You're gonna let him walk after all he's done?
NC: Even the idiot knows this makes no sense!
Arthur: The people believe me to be a coward and the guards are still loyal to Belasco. Bide thy time, young knight. When the hour is nigh...we'll nail him!
NC:(as Arthur) Yes, we'll wait until he kills me in my sleep, murders my daughters, and takes my his place on the throne. And then...we'll really get him!
NC:(VO) But all is not finished, as there is still a tournament to be had where the winner gets to win Kate Winslet's hand in marriage. So, of course, Lord Unibrow enters the tournament putting on his most ridiculous Power Rangers villain suit he could find.
Power Rangers theme plays as Belasco wears a ridiculous horned Halloween costume-like suit of armor
NC:(VO) Daniel Craig gets in the tournament thinking he can win the day, but sadly he's no match for a shiny piece of jewelry on the bad guy's helmet. What a load of pussy! (as Arthur) Yes, it's all part of the plan. He wins the tournament, marries my daughter, rules the kingdom, and then...we spring into action! (normal voice) But Calvin thinks he can get Craig back on his feet and keep on fighting.
Calvin: Sir Kane, how many fingers am I holding up?
Kane: Just a little off the top. Keep the sideburns. (collapses)
NC: Ah. No doubt one of the great James Bond moments.
scenes from various James Bond movies
Sean Connery's Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Pierce Brosnan's Bond: Martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Kane: Just a little off the top. Keep the sideburns. (collapses)
NC:(VO) So it looks like Craig, or someone who looks like Craig, has entered back into the tournament. Will he be victorious?
Helmet is knocked off to reveal nothing inside.
NC: ...His chances look slim.
NC:(VO) But somehow, shockingly, the knight stays on his horse and keeps on riding.
Belasco looks at the headless knight.
NC:(VO)(as Belasco) What the fuck... (normal voice) So they go at it again, this time without that pesky head holding him back!
Belasco is defeated.
NC:(VO) So the knight wins the day. And who exactly was he all along?
Calvin emerges from armor.
NC: What a shock! ...And a load of shit!
NC:(VO) I mean, by the contest rules, this makes no sense! He didn't fight anyone else, so it defeats the idea of a tournament! This contest should be null and void! And it turns out Lord Hairybrows has the exact same opinion.
Belasco: (to Calvin) ...To meet thy ancestors!
NC:(VO)(as Calvin) But...you are my ancestors.
NC:(VO) Hah hah! It turns out the mysterious black knight shows up to save the day. This is the hero all the town's been talking about who has been bringing them food and money to save the people. So it's decided he should marry the princess. And just who does the black knight turn out to be after all this time?
Black knight revealed to be Sarah.
Sarah: Hello, father.
NC: Hooray! So you shall marry yourself.
NC:(VO) No, it turns out she's allowed to choose whoever she wants to marry. So she wisely chooses the only person who'll have a career after this movie, Daniel Craig. So all is one as Merlin transports Calvin back to his normal time.
Katey: Is there nothing I can say or do to make you stay?
NC:(as Calvin) There's several things you can do to make me stay. You just won't do them!
NC:(VO) So Merlin transports him back and even allows him to finally finish his baseball game the way he wants to, getting rid of his ballphobia.
Calvin hits a home run and runs the bases in slow motion.
NC:(VO) And that's not slow-mo, that's really how fast he runs. And as a special twist, the princess and king are at the game too. How the fuck does this make any sense. Did they ever mention if they time traveled or if they're just decendants of the original characters?
NC: Who cares? I don't. Movie's over. RUN!
NC:(VO) This is the kind of movie you show your kids when you want to punish them. It's stupid, uninventive, and just downright horrible.
NC: My only hope is that I can still knock out all memory of this movie by hitting myself on the head repeatedly with the complete works of Shakespeare. (hits his head with a book) A Cock in King Arthur's Couch. I still have a long way to go. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't Blue's Clues. (walks off hitting his head with the book).