Adventures of the Kool-Aid Man 1
September 28, 2009
This comic dares us to ask many questions... like why hasn't anybody arrested the Kool-Aid Man?
(We open to Linkara on his futon giving a irritably baffled look on his face)
(Cut to various Kool-Aid commercials)
Linkara (v/o): And yeah, the thing was given for promotions and not really sold in stores, but that makes even less sense. You've already got commercials featuring the guy prominently. What's the point of licensing out to Marvel to produce a comic book that NO ONE WILL READ?!!! Get it? NO ONE WILL READ THIS!! It's a comic book about the KOOL-AID MAN!! The Kool-Aid Man is NOT COOL!! He's a PUBLIC MENACE, destroying walls and buildings so he can pour his sugary juice out for people. For those who have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, the Kool-Aid Man is... well, just that, the Kool-Aid Man, the mascot of the juice drink Kool-Aid. His primary characteristic is to burst through walls and yell...
(Cut to a clip of the Family Guy episode, "Stewie Kills Lois": the Kool-Aid Man does his trademark entry in a courthouse)
Kool-Aid Man: OHH YEAH!!
Linkara: And thus we come to the conclusion of my series on the depths that Marvel will sink to. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for making money. I don't have a problem with Marvel getting licenses or singers or even food mascots if it makes the money.
Linkara (v/o): But, at the same time, I really have to consider the fact that Marvel wasted a print run on a comic that NO ONE would be interested in, NO ONE would read, and would basically be considered a joke by adults and kids. That's why I say "depths they'll sink to." Why can't they make good comics and make money at the same time? They wasted time and effort producing a comic like this when I'm sure there was some other miniseries that could have been made about a secondary character who never got the spotlight. That's my problem with it, it's just wasteful. Oh, and that it sucks.
Linkara: But don't take my word for it. (long pause as he thinks for a second) Well, actually, you don't have to, IT'S A COMIC ABOUT THE KOOL-AID MAN!! THERE'S NO WAY THIS CONCEPT COULD BE GOOD!! So, let's just dig in!
(The title sequence is shown, followed by the title card for this episode, set to the opening notes of Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me With Science"; we then delve into the comic itself)
Linkara (v/o): Okay, I tend to be negative about covers, so I'll say a positive first: this cover is not boring. It makes no sense, but it certainly isn't boring. I mean, look at this. The Kool-Aid Man is leaping through the hole of a spaceship, which appears to be as strong as saltine crackers, and yelling his catchphrase, despite the fact that he's HALFWAY IN SPACE, and there's NO AIR. Oh, but let's not forget that he's bursting through the wall, but the pieces aren't immediately being sucked back into space, thanks to decompression. Oh, and what's with the spacesuits on the kids? It's like the cover to S.C.I. Spy, slap a fishbowl on their heads and BAM! No suffocation! I mean, they didn't even change out of their street clothes! Oh, and again, like S.C.I. Spy, these kids never wear these helmets in the comic. Then there are these freaks of evolution: yellow entities that resemble the angry sun from Mario with huge green tongues. "As he battles the Thirsties in OUTER SPACE and on the BASEBALL FIELD".
Linkara: (struggling to contain his anger) The Thirsties... The Kool-Aid Man is fighting the Thirsties...
Linkara (v/o): Our story begins on a hot summer day at a snack bar where we meet a group of annoying children.
Kid in a #5 jersey: Oh, no! Sam's snack bar is CLOSED!
Kid in another jersey: And the water fountain isn't working!
Linkara: (total sarcasm) Oh, no! If only there had been some... adults around who would normally supply water bottles at an event like this! You know, like what happens in real life! (glowers)
Linkara (v/o): Inside the snack bar, the Thirsties discuss their sinister plans.
Thirsty: We Thirsties have done it again! Thanks to us, the small-town sluggers feel totally rotten!
Linkara: (as Thirsty) Yes, our plans to temporarily inconvenience some grade-schoolers are going swimmingly! (holds up his fist in victory)
Linkara (v/o): However, it's talking pitchers to the rescue as the Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall.
Kool-Aid Man: I knew you low-down Thirsties were behind this! You enjoy spoiling kids' fun! That's why I'm here to save the day! OH, YEAH!
Linkara (v/o): Well, thanks for making the shop owner feel even worse, Kool-Aid Man; now he's gotta patch that hole up.
Thirsty #1: Head for the hills! It's Kool-Aid Man!
Thirsty #2: No Thirsty is safe with him around!
Linkara: Guys, his primary method of attack is a pitcher of juice. (leans forward in seat) I THINK YOU CAN TAKE HIM.
Linkara (v/o): However, the Thirsties are incapable of outrunning the rotund glass man and are captured. The Kool-Aid Man even ties them up with sausage links. Wow. Anyway, the snack shop reopens, and the kids spot the Kool-Aid Man, and of course, they're not the least bit put off by the giant mascot who talks to them.
Shop Owner: (gesturing toward the kids) Kool-Aid Man, I'd like you to meet my friends... ...Sigmund Smart...
Sigmund: I'm the brains on this team!
Linkara: Oh, trust me, there were no brains involved in this crap.
Shop Owner: ...Cynthia Crystal...
Cynthia: I can't wait to tell my friends that I met the Kool-Aid Man in person!
Linkara: (as Cynthia) I'll become even more of a social outcast!
Shop Owner: ...Mickey Richardson...
Mickey: I'll bet you're as strong as the Hulk!
Linkara: (annoyed) Yes, Marvel, we get it, you landed the license to this comic. It's not something to be proud of.
Shop Owner: ...and Gloria Greene!
Gloria: Far out!
Linkara: (as Gloria) I'm totally high right now! This doesn't seem weird to me at all!
Kool-Aid Man: It's been great meeting all of you! But I've got to get back to my secret headquarters to continue my never-ending battle against the insatiable Thirsties!
Linkara: (scarcely believing what he's reading) He has his own secret headquar– (he struggles to contain in his anger) The Kool-Aid Man has his own Kool-Aid cave! (struggles even more, before letting it all out) THE KOOL-AID MAN HAS HIS OWN! SECRET! HEADQUARTERS!!
Linkara (v/o): The Kool-Aid Man invites the kids along to join him in his new Kool Kopter, and they gladly accept as long as they're home for dinner on time. Wow, this situation doesn't have horrible connotations or anything. So it turns out that this, quote-unquote, "secret headquarters" is shaped like a giant pitcher and has a sign out front that says, "Number One Kool-Aid Plaza". You know, I've heard of hiding in plain sight, but I don't think this is what they were thinking.
Kool-Aid Man: Fasten your seatbelts! We're coming in for a landing!
Linkara (v/o): (as Kool-Aid Man) We're going right through that ceiling! OH, YEAH!!
Linkara: So, yeah, the Kool-Aid Man has a high-tech facility, but what's it all for?
Kool-Aid Man: I invented all this stuff to help me keep an eye on those pesky Thirsties! They're always trying to spoil everyone's fun and it's my job to stop them!
Linkara: So the Thirsties are just an entire society of assholes? What do they get out of this?
Linkara (v/o): An alarm comes in, alerting the Kool-Aid Man that the Thirsties are at it again.
Kool-Aid Man: Those kids worked up a big thirst playing volleyball and now the Thirsties want to spoil their fun!
Linkara (v/o): So, wait a second, the computer display shows the Thirsties attacking. Does this mean that the Kool-Aid Man has cameras set up all throughout the world, just watching people? Big Brother isn't watching us, the Kool-Aid Man is!
Linkara: The Kool-Aid Man sees you when you're sleeping. (leans forward) The Kool-Aid Man sees you in your nightmares!
Linkara (v/o): So the Kool-Aid Man and the kid brigade arrive. The Kool-Aid Man suddenly bursts through a sign on the beach! Dude, that sign was not in your way! You just jumped through it for no other reason than to be a jerk! And yeah, I know the sign has stupid crap like "no fun" and was probably set up by the Thirsties, but I'm sure you really just did it to maintain your trademark. So, get this: the Kool-Aid Man grabs one of the Thirsties and uses him like a bowling ball to knock down the others, who are conveniently running in a formation like bowling pins. By the way, where did he put down his drink? He's always carrying the thing around like it's his baby, and yet it vanishes when he tosses the guy.
Linkara: Then again, I am once again asking for logic in a comic about the Kool-Aid Man.
Linkara (v/o): You know, what does the Kool-Aid Man do with the Thirsties after he beats them up? Does he hand them over to the police? Yeah, I guess they've broken a few laws, but then again, why is anyone supporting the Kool-Aid Man's vigilante activities so readily? With their victory over the Thirsties, they return to Kool-Aid Cave and Annoying Kid #3 [Mickey Richardson] invites the Kool-Aid Man to their softball game the next day. At that game, the coach gives a boring speech which literally makes the kids fall asleep before the game, after which Annoying Kid #3 carries off Annoying Kid #4 [Gloria Greene].
Gloria: Aren't we both getting carried away here?
Linkara: There isn't enough "wah-wah" music in the world to make up for that pun.
Linkara (v/o): Annoying Kid #2 [Cynthia Crystal] wonders if the Kool-Aid Man will show up at their game, but the young Mr. Brain [Sigmund Smarts] responds like so...
Sigmund: Cynthia, we mustn't be so selfish! We can't expect Kool-Aid Man to turn his back on the constant threat of the Thirsties just so he can be at our little softball game!
Linkara: Does the Kool-Aid Man even sleep? He says earlier that watching out for the Thirsties is a 24-hour job. And who built his headquarters, and why doesn't he have assistance for this?
(Cut to a clip of Batman Forever)
Bruce Wayne: It just raises too many questions.
(Cut back to the Kool-Aid comic)
Linkara (v/o): In the crowd, two adults are cheering for their respective home teams, prompting one fellow in a golf hat – Huh? – to comment...
Man in golf hat: With home teams like this, who needs the World Series?
Linkara: I agree. It's certainly more interesting than the depiction of the World Series from last week's comic.
Linkara (v/o): Naturally, the Thirsties are there, disguised as vendors. One of them even runs onto the field and grabs the second base plate and runs off with it!
Linkara: (looking offscreen) What truly evil creatures, (looks back into camera) stealing that easily-replaceable plate!
Linkara (v/o): These creatures are such unbelievable dicks that apparently their presences wilts flowers! Wow! Next, they run out onto the field as one of our protagonists is sliding towards home base. Yes, apparently my analysis of them looking like suns is completely accurate, since they shine their own bodies on the umpire and the players so they can't see!
(Cut to a clip of a music video of Thomas Dolby's "She Blinded Me With Science")
Dolby: (singing) She blinded me... with science!
(Cut back to the Kool-Aid comic)
Linkara (v/o): What sort of messed-up evolutionary chain would create these things?! Are they aliens? Where are their internal organs? How could they just radiate like that? WHY DON'T THEY WEAR PANTS?!! But you know what? Putting all of those perfectly legitimate questions aside, there's one really important question from the scene that demands an answer: WHERE IS SECURITY?! OR THE COPS?! The Thirsties have attacked this field multiple times now, and there hasn't even been a token show of resistance! So anyway, since the umpire didn't see the kids sliding, they have to redo his turn at bat, making people more miserable.
Thirsty #1: Our plan is working perfectly! No one is having any fun--except us!
Thirsty #2: And we still have 1,298 ways left to spoil their game!
Linkara: Really? The-They sat down and made a list of all the various ways they could be jackasses at a softball game. (shakes head) This must be their culture's religion or something.
Linkara (v/o): So with everyone growing increasingly agitated, they finally decide, screw it, and call out for the Kool-Aid Man, who INSTANTLY ARRIVES and SMASHES through a sign.
Linkara: I can't wait for the Kool-Aid Man to be at the next PTA meeting, where we learn that they have to cut funding to art and music so the school can afford a new score sign.
Linkara (v/o): So the Kool-Aid Man just tosses the Thirsties into a conveniently-placed lake or something. Yeah, I don't know where the large body of water came from, either. What gets me is that somehow these dingbats didn't think to do this without the aid of their savior, the pitcher of juice. You know, if the Thirsties are like miniature sentient suns, isn't dumping them into water killing them? I mean, their bodies are actually sizzling the water as they swim away, and they don't look happy, so it seems pretty evident to me that the Kool-Aid Man is a homicidal maniac!
(Cut to the start of a second Kool-Aid comic story – yes, there are two, remember?)
Linkara (v/o): Oh, but we're not done yet. See, there are two stories in this epic tale, and here comes the one from the cover: (speaking dramatically) "THIRST IN SPACE!"
(Cut to the first panel of this comic)
Linkara (v/o): So, we meet a different group of annoying kids at an amusement park.
Linkara: (looking bored) Wow, just imagine being at an amusement park right now instead of this.
Linkara (v/o): The kids insult the designated nerd among them.
Kid: What about you "Mr. Know-It-All," are you having fun?
Nerd: Scott, my name is Warren Wilkinson! Not "Mr. Know-It-All!" And I will admit that these illogical rides are amusing!
Linkara: What exactly is "illogical" about amusement park rides?
(Cut to a clip of Spock from the original Star Trek series)
Spock: That, sir, is illogical.
(Cut back to the Kool-Aid comic)
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, to restore my audience's sense of well-being, here's a giant Thirsty monster! Its diabolical plan is to ruin everyone's fun by making them feel hot.
Linkara: (mock alarm) Dear God, you're mad! It's not like they're at an amusement park where there's ice cream and water and soda readily available at concession stands!
Linkara (v/o): Naturally, there's a ship in orbit that– Okay, now they're flat-out stealing (an image of the angry sun from Super Mario Bros. 3 appears in the corner) the angry sun from Super Mario Bros.! They're not even trying anymore! Okay, somehow, this group of kids is able to summon the Kool-Aid Man, who bursts through the wall of a fun house!
Linkara: THAT! MAKES! NO! SENSE!!! I know that's kind of a redundant statement when it comes to this comic, but they're outside of the fun house! That means he must've been inside of it when they call out to him! What was he doing there? Isn't he always searching for the Thirsties?!?
Linkara (v/o): So the Kool-Aid Man taunts the giant Thirsty, since that's such a wise tactic, and actually tries to punch it. Damn! Somehow, despite the Kool-Aid Man lacking any such biology, he's got serious gonads! However, the punch passes right through the giant. The Kool-Aid Man reasons that that's because the giant's not real, that it's a hologram. Yes, you heard me, a hologram, which the comic points out is "a three-dimension image made of light!"
Linkara: Which makes so much sense, considering there's no projector. Plus, he was clearly menacing everyone earlier by blowing hot air on them and all. I didn't know light could do that.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, but that's nothing compared to the brilliant plan the Kool-Aid Man utilizes. Yeah, he takes a large mirror and somehow aims it in such a way as to reflect the light back into space, despite the fact that he's clearly AIMING THE MIRROR DOWN AT THE GROUND!! After the Kool-Aid Man lands, everyone's more than happy to thank him for saving them from the nonthreatening hologram. Why, one girl even asks to kiss him! His reaction?
Kool-Aid Man: OH, YEAH!
(This is wrong on so many levels.)
Linkara: You know, I wonder if those ice cubes in his head ever melt.
Warren: I admire the way you used logic to defeat the hologram of the giant Thirst monster!
Linkara (v/o): Logic?! There's more logic in a frickin' Sudoku puzzle than there was in that dumbass plan! Oh, and with the laziest of segues, we find ourselves next to Professor Otis Kline and his "crazy rocket"! Why he has it in an amusement park is anyone's guess, considering he says this ship is apparently designed to go into outer space. The only problem, he can't figure out how to make it start. Yes, he made the damn thing, but he has no clue how to turn it on. I can't make this stuff up, people. So the Kool-Aid Man trips and accidentally starts up the rocket, launching them into space.
Linkara: Yeah, at this point, my brain has just become a puddle of mush that's accepting this nonsense.
Linkara (v/o): They pass an airplane where someone on it says they just saw a U.F.O. The comic decides to inform us that a U.F.O. stands for "Unidentified Flying Object". And you know, I do think they did need that, since the only people who would enjoy this comic have a brain about the size of a Sea Monkey. So the kids, since they've seen enough science fiction movies – I'm serious here – say they know how to fly any spaceship. Dear Lord, this makes the premise of Armageddon actually seem plausible by comparison. So they see the Thirsty spaceship, which immediately fires upon them.
Linkara: (incredulously) If the Thirsty spaceship has advanced laser weapons on it, why in the hell are they screwing around with holograms, when they can just lay waste to cities?! THAT would ruin people's fun!
Linkara (v/o): The Kool-Aid Man dons a jetpack and flies out to confront the Thirsties, crashing through the wall, of course. I'm curious how the Kool-Aid that makes up the Kool-Aid Man doesn't instantly freeze in the vacuum of space, but hey, we're almost done. So the Kool-Aid Man just stands there while the Thirsties use their Thirst Ray, but the Kool-Aid Man is immune because he's... uh, red. So the Thirst Ray overloads and blows up their faces, causing them to instantly surrender. Yes, these guys surrendered because the Kool-Aid Man is just standing there. You know, I think this is a sign we should stop making fun of the French as cowards. For one thing, French Resistance and all that during World War II, kicking ass like nobody's business, and secondly, the Thirsties prove there's a considerably more wussy civilization out there. So, not even bothering to take the Thirsties into custody or anything, the Kool-Aid Man just leaves and manages to get back to Earth by... uh, being red. And so our comic ends with everyone sharing a laugh at the poor professor, who still doesn't know how his spaceship THAT HE BUILT HIMSELF is supposed to work.
Linkara: (angrily holding up comic) This comic sucks in every conceivable way!
Linkara (v/o): You can't say it was meant for kids; kids are smarter than this crap! The villains are lousy, the characters are nonentities, and again, IT'S A COMIC ABOUT THE FRIGGIN' KOOL-AID MAN!!!
Linkara: And not only does this comic mock science on almost every page, but it makes a mockery of God, too, since there's no way in hell He'd ever create beings like the Thirsties and the Kool-Aid Man! (throws down comic in disgust and walks off)
(Credits roll, with a Kool-Aid commercial playing in the background: the Kool-Aid Man bursts through the wall of a roller hockey rink and joins the kids there for a game of roller hockey)