March 22, 2011
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Remember how I did those reviews of late ‘80s/early 90’s commercials?
NC (voiceover): You know, the ones I said sort of existed in their own cheesy little world?
NC: Well, what if there existed an entire movie like that? (A woman’s prolonged scream is heard off-screen) Yes, indeed, and I betcha anything, it would be called Airborne.
(The film’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): I mean it. This whole movie is like a huge commercial for…itself. Aside from being another movie Seth Green and Jack Black won’t put on their resume, Airborne is a film I can only describe as “extreme generic-ness.” And when I say “extreme,” I mean, EXTREME! (His voice deepens, gets louder and is accompanied by flashing yellow text of the word that appears twice on-screen) Because in the ‘90s, everything was EXTREME (This repeats every subsequent time he says the word throughout the whole review) and this film was no exception. This film has EXTREME-ly lame characters, EXTREME-ly bad storylines and EXTREME-ly embarrassing ‘90s clichés.
NC: So does that make it incredibly stupid? EXTREMELY! Let’s take a look.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): So, don’t believe me when I say this movie is just one big ‘90s commercial? Check out this opening.
Mitchell Goosen: (narrating over the opening shots of ocean waves) The waves of winter. Mother Nature has cast her spell.
(Cut to shots of Mitchell putting on skateboard gear; once ready, he stands up to face another teen friend)
Mitchell: (asks with an index finger pointed upward in a cool pose) Serious?
Teen Friend: (makes the same index finger pose) Very.
(The two teens shout and begin skateboarding down a street)
NC (voiceover): OK, you can’t exactly figure out what they’re trying to advertise, but it’s definitely advertising something. Where does this take place, anyway?
(Cut to Mitchell and his friends skateboarding on a skateboard ramp before cutting to them jumping into ocean water on their surfboards)
NC (voiceover): Ahh, palm trees and smug kids that are into solo sports that require no teamwork so they can show the fuck off? This must be California! All right, then. We’re in an ad for California. Let’s try it! Let’s throw Arnold in at the end and see what happens!
(Footage for an ad for California intercuts with the footage of teens skateboarding in Airborne)
Female Surfer #1: People think life in California is all fun and games.
Man #1: But it’s really serious business!
Female Surfer #2: We have board meetings.
Man #1: Board meetings!
Young Male: Lots of board meetings.
Male #2: We run with the big dogs.
Cameraman: Everything’s a huge production.
Man #3: So, if California seems like your kind of work…
Maria Shriver: We’ve got one question.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: When can you start?
Female Announcer: Start your trip and visit california.co.uk.
(NC’s caption “California: Our Movies Already Advertise It” is shown onscreen briefly)
NC: It works! It totally works!
NC (voiceover): So this is Mitchell, an EXTREME teenage boy who likes rollerblading and surfing, and apparently stealing things, seeing how he went down to the beach without a surfboard and is now leaving with one. Fucking thief!
Mitchell’s Father: How are the waves breaking today, Mitchell?
Mitchell: (laughs a bit) Alright, what is it? Who died?
NC (voiceover): Look at this kid. It’s like he was constructed from every Disney prince that ever existed. (Images of famous Disney princes, Aladdin, Prince Eric, the Prince in Snow White, and Prince Naveen, are shown next to Mitchell briefly for comparison) He even has the same attitude. Listen!
Mitchell’s Father: The National Zoological Institute has asked us to study the Australian wombat.
Mitchell: That’s great news! I mean, we’ve never been to Australia before. Summers that never quit, and golden tan Shelias.
Aladdin (from Aladdin): I’m Prince Ali Ababwa. Just let her meet me.
Mitchell’s Mother: We would love for you to go with us, Mitchell.
Mitchell’s Father: But this is for six months.
Mitchell’s Mother: You can’t be out of school for that long.
Mitchell: Yes, I can.
Mitchell’s Father: No, you can’t.
Mitchell’s Mother: Not during the school year.
NC: And as we all know, there’s no schools in Australia.
NC (voiceover): So his parents leave him with his Uncle Louie in Cincinnati. (He speaks sarcastically and whiny) Cincinnati? Aww, there’s no waves there! (Normal) He meets up with his uncle and aunt, (speaks like Grace from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off) who believe he’s a righteous dude. (Normal) And he also meets up with his cousin Wiley, played by Seth Gr—(Wiley is revealed as Mitchell’s surfboard is moved aside; we see Wiley dressed in black with rosy sunglasses, long straight hair and a beret) What the hell? Who brought the emo girl?
Wiley (Seth Green): How it’s goin’, man? (He shakes hands with Mitchell) Nice to meet you.
Mitchell: Likewise, brother.
NC: Good God, it’s like they put John Lennon, Carrot Top and Mrs. Incredible into some sort of horrific genetic mutation! (The images of such mentioned people and character appear below Wiley)
NC (voiceover): Even in the ‘90s, that hairdo wouldn’t fly! And we invented this! (An image of Vanilla Ice in his high top fade haircut is shown briefly) So Wiley shows him around the school he’ll be going to, but, of course, (chuckles) this surfer dude has a hard time fitting in.
(Cut to Mitchell getting himself stuck in the middle of student traffic in the school hallway)
Mitchell: Wiley, uh… (To a student who bumps past him) W-what’s the rush?
NC: (mocks Mitchell, pretending to be lost in the student traffic and “surfing”) Whoa! Walking in Cincinnati is a lot different than walking in California!
NC (voiceover): He doesn’t seem to fit in to his new class, either, but to be fair, what do you expect when the leader of the Nasties is in the classroom?
(Cut to Mitchell standing up before the classroom and giving the peace sign with his hand; the whole class shout in disapproval)
NC: (as the whole class) Peace? Ohh! (hisses at the camera and makes a cross sign with a skull)
NC (voiceover): So the teacher allows everybody to come up front and introduce themselves to the class.
Female Student #1: Molly Ryan’s my name. I have a 3.8 GPA…
Male Student #1: My name is Snake. And I ain’t got no hobbies, unless you call collecting knives and putting tattoos across the foreheads of guys I don’t like hobbies.
Male Student #2: The Jimbo. Gonna be sports announcer.
(A quick cut of another male student with a nose brace on his face is shown, and he just stands there)
Female Student #2: I refuse to start…
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Wait a minute. Who was that one guy?
(The silent male student with the nose brace is shown again)
NC (voiceover): Why’d you just cut to him for a second? Didn’t he have anything to say? That was so random!
Augie (Jack Black): Augusto Raphael Diliporat. Uh, everyone just calls me Augie, though.
(Cut to a different shot of the nose-brace student again, and he still says nothing)
Teacher: OK, thank you, Rosenblatt. That’s fine.
NC (voiceover): I don’t get it! What’s funny about that? You cut to a guy with a brace on his nose who doesn’t talk! What’s the joke?
(Cut to the nose-brace student the first time we see him)
NC: You know what? Fine. I can cut to that moron, too! Watch!
(Cut to a scene from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King with Frodo hanging on a ledge above the fires of Mount Doom)
Samwise Gamgee: Don’t you let go.
(NC cuts to the nose-brace student briefly before we cut to Frodo clinging onto Samwise’s hand and the Eye of Sauron roaring in pain)
NC: See? That wasn’t hard! Now give me a movie with Seth Green and Jack Black to film!
Mitchell: Well, I don’t have any stories, don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up, don’t care, just as long as I live near the beach and don’t have to wear a tie. Then, I’ll be stylin’. (He pulls back the side of his hair to look cool)
Aladdin (from Aladdin): I gotta be smooth, cool, confident.
Augie: (gets up from his seat to stand next to Mitchell) I have a few things to say. Can I add something, please? (To the class) Does anyone here believe…this, uh, L.A. laidback…HORSE POOP! (The class laughs) This guy is meddling? I don’t buy it. (To Mitchell) You big fruity two-shoe.
NC (voiceover): Uh, so is the teacher just asleep right now? It doesn’t seem like there’s a lot of control in this class. Did other schools do this during student introductions?
Mitchell: I tell you no lie, my friends. It’s the consciousness raising.
NC: (as the teacher) Yes, yes, very nice, Mitchell. Augie, you may brutally assault him.
Augie: (audio) HORSE POOP!
NC: (as the teacher) Horse poop. Very nice. Very nice.
Mitchell: (heads back to his seat and mumbles a bit) Whoa, the old hiney-hairs are wound a little too tight on that one, eh, dude?
Jack: What’d you say?
NC (voiceover): No, seriously, what did you say? None of us could understand what that meant.
Mitchell: I just said, uh, what a fine public speaker Augie was.
Jack: Pretty boy. Surfer.
NC: (acts offended) “Surfer”?! That is our word!
NC (voiceover): But then Jack—this guy (a green arrow points to the character Jack), not that guy (another green arrow points to Augie)—gets up and makes his own intro.
Jack: (to Mitchell) Why don’t you try hockey?
(The whole class mumbles in agreement)
Jack: We got a game today against the Preps.
A few students: That’s right, against the Preps! Right! Yeah!
Jack: We’ve never beaten the Preps. We’re gonna do it today. We’re gonna kick the Preps’ butt!
NC (voiceover): Wow. This class has EXTREME school spirit, even though apparently, they’re EXTREME losers!
(The school bell rings and everyone gets up to leave the room)
NC: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. OK. If anyone’s gonna be made fun of in this classroom, it’s not the surfer dude. It is THIS kid.
(A shot of a male student in a red shirt with a high top fade haircut is shown)
NC (voiceover): I mean, look at him! How did they just avoid him?
NC: It’s like someone took Silly Putty, put it on a picture of Luke Perry and just stretched it out!
NC (voiceover): I mean, come on! This kid (Mitchell) gets mocked, but this guy gets a free pass?! The fuck’s wrong with this school?!
(Cut to the nose-brace student briefly)
NC (voiceover): But another problem pops up as well.
Tony Banducci: Pico and Freddy just got caught…
Mark Banducci: …caught putting ex-lax in Mrs. Cronin’s coffee.
Tony: Better count them out for the game.
Jack: That’s…alright. We’ll, uh, we’ll get somebody.
NC (voiceover): So they need two more players: Crazy McCutcut here (Snake) and…Wiley?
Jack: (to Wiley) You’re playin’ hockey today.
Wiley: Uhh, great!
NC (voiceover): Ah, yes, Wiley. Because Lord knows there’s NOOO other students in the entire freakin’ school they could pick! No wonder they keep losing! (Wiley is shown failing to properly play hockey) So while Wiley gets his ass kicked like—well, Wile E. [Coyote]—Mitchell starts to hit it off with the ladies.
Mitchell (talking to a girl named Nikki): You know, it’s funny. You get so busy fightin’ over waves that you never get a chance to enjoy the ocean. Life’s too short for that.
Nikki: So if you’re not into fighting, what are you into?
Mitchell: I like the smell of the ocean, purple sunsets and surfin’ in the rain.
Nikki: You’re a poet.
Mitchell: Nah, I just know what I like.
NC: (looks utterly disgusted) I know, I heard it, too. Here’s Bruce Campbell killing something to offset it.
(Cut to a scene from Evil Dead 2)
Ash: Swallow this. (He blows off Henrietta’s head with a shotgun blast)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): But Wiley gets knocked out of the game—big shock—so they need somebody else to take his place. Hey, how about that kid who just illegally went out on the ice?
Jack: (in hockey gear) All right, gear up, Surfer.
(Cut to Mitchell skating out on the ice in hockey gear)
NC (voiceover): Once again, tell me this doesn’t remind you of a certain commercial.
Jack: (in hockey gear) All right, gear up, Surfer.
Tony Tiger: But first, let’s start with a complete breakfast, including my Frosted Flakes. They’re grrrrreat!
Background Singer: Bring out the tiger! You’ll know what to do!
Tony Tiger: Come on, tiger!
Background Singer: Those frosted flakes have got no say / They bring out the tiger in you.
Tony Tiger: In you!
NC (voiceover): However, this does have a little bit of a different ending. He scores for the wrong team.
(After scoring the wrong goal, an extremely confused and stunned Mitchell is crowded by the celebrating Preps)
Preps Player #1: He scored a goal!
Preps Player #2: I didn’t know he was on our team, mate!
Tony Tiger (dubbed by NC; to Mitchell): Oh, never mind. You blow.
(The losing team confronts Mitchell)
Mitchell’s Teammate #1: That’s the wrong goal!
Mitchell: I’m sorry, man.
Mitchell’s Teammate #2: “Sorry, man”? You cost us the game!
NC: Well, what do you expect? You picked Claire Danes from “My So-Called Life” (Wiley) and half the boyfriends from Full House (Mitchell)! What did you think was gonna happen?!
NC (voiceover): So because of his fuck-up, all the kids in school keep playing pranks on him, somehow knowing exactly where he’s gonna go at every single moment of the day.
(Cut to Wiley trying to open his lock and finding transparent goo on his hands and Mitchell finding a load of sand pouring out of his locker; Cut next to Mitchell sitting down to sulk)
Aladdin (from Aladdin): (singing) “Riff-raff.” “Street rat.” I don’t buy that. If only they’d look closer.
(Cut to Mitchell and Wiley walking down an empty school hallway together)
Mitchell: I need traffic, smog, heat waves. A decent burrito, for God's sake. I need the ocean! I can’t take it anymore, man.
NC: Yeah, if high school has taught us anything, it’s that it is very, very difficult to be a beautiful white athletic male.
NC (voiceover): But it turns out Nikki still has the hots for him, as she shows him around one of the gardens that Cincinnati has to offer.
Nikki: (referring to a special flower they’re about to approach) Oh, this one’s a goody. You gotta give this a try. (She approaches the flower) Right here. (She looks up to see that Mitchell has disappeared) Mitchell? Mitchell!
Joel and the Bots (from Mystery Science Theater 3000): Mitchell!
(Mitchell skates past Nikki on rollerblades from behind)
Mitchell: Meep-meep! Ha-ha! Got ya!
NC (voiceover): (as Mitchell) Hehe, screw girls; I got rollerblades! (Normal) So as his genetically perfected teeth continue to smile, Nikki finds she just has to ask him out on a date.
Mitchell: I was supposed to go out on the town with Wiley Friday night.
Nikki: Well, bring him along.
Mitchell: I don’t know if he can find a date in time.
Nikki: I can bring a friend.
NC: (as Mitchell) Just make sure her hair isn’t as pretty as his. (whispers) He gets kind of jealous.
NC (voiceover): So Friday is a long ways away. What’s he gonna do until then?
NC: Oh, just stuff. (beat) EXTREME stuff!
(Cut to Mitchell doing tricks while skating down a neighborhood street and at a skateboard park on rollerblades; Intercut with a Juicy Fruit gum commercial)
Background Singers: Get your skis shined up / Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit / The taste is gonna move ya / Take a sniff, pull it out / The taste is gonna move you when you pop it in your mouth / Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya / The juice is soft, it gets right to ya / Juicy Fruit: The taste, the taste, the taste that’s gonna move ya!
(NC’s caption “Juicy Fruit: The Taste is Gonna Move You!” is shown; Cut briefly to the nose-brace student again)
NC (voiceover): So after that EXTREME scene, we cut to Mitchell telling Wiley about—(Wiley is shown brushing his teeth while wearing a headband on his head) A HEADBAND? REALLY? YOU’RE WEARING A HEADBAND?!
Mitchell: I got a date with her Friday night.
Wiley: We’re supposed to go out Friday night.
NC (voiceover): OK, leave your balls at the front desk. YOU ARE A LADY!
NC: I mean, seriously. We’re just one second away from having that girly montage. You know, where they try on different clothes and they laugh at one another?
(Such a montage is presented as the song “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred is heard in the background; NC is shocked by this, then annoyed and furious)
NC: OK, hand them over. Give me your testicles. No, honestly, you don’t deserve ‘em. You don’t deserve—hey, you don’t wanna hand them over? (He takes a pair of scissors and snips them in front of the camera) I’LL TAKE THEM BY FORCE!
NC (voiceover): I mean, good Lord! Doesn’t this movie have any idea what boys do? Oh, and hey, for anyone who thinks that this could be considered a typical teenage boy thing…
NC: ...all I gotta say is, watch it to this music.
(The montage is shown again with the song “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper heard in the background; cut briefly to the nose-brace student again)
NC (voiceover): But before Mitchell goes on his date, he must indulge in his Zen-surf, his…”Zurf,” if you will.
(Mitchell is shown posing like a surfer on his surfboard that he placed on his bed)
Mitchell: [Six-snow, seven-foot] point break right spittin’ like a washing machine, an awesome ride, even more awesome because he’s in Cincinnati, yes.
(As Mitchell pretends to surf on his surfboard, images of a real surfer surfing in the waves begin to show)
NC (voiceover): You know, I really didn’t think a surf fetish could exist, but now I’m convinced. It does, and this kid’s got it bad! I mean, this is sick. This is actually kinda sick! If surfing was a girl, she would have had a restraining order out against him! (Images of Mitchell surfing against an ocean wave in his imagination are shown) I’m serious! This is kind of fucked up! I mean, what do you think his porn looks like?
(Cut to a scene with NC (as a mother) walking into NC (a son)’s bedroom)
NC Mother: Hey, honey, I thought you might like—OH, MY GOD!
(NC Son is seen watching Surf Ninjas on his computer as NC Mother shudders in fright)
NC Son: Don’t look at me! (He covers his face in shame with one hand) DON’T LOOK AT ME!
(Frightened, NC Mother leaves the room)
Johnny (from Surf Ninjas): (audio) Bend your knees, use your arms!
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So while Wiley starts to strike out on his date, Nikki and Mitchell seem to be hitting it off pretty good.
Nikki: So if you could have lunch with any three people in the entire world, who would it be?
Mitchell: Well, I’d have to say Tom Curren, greatest surfer alive. And, um, maybe Gandhi.
NC (voiceover): The world’s greatest surfer and Gandhi. What a combination.
NC: (as Mitchell) I choose the world’s greatest surfer to show that I’m athletic, and Gandhi to show that I’m deep. EXTREME deep! (He strikes a cool pose with his palms flat and his arms across himself as we hear a guitar riff)
NC (voiceover): So the girls go to the bathroom to discuss their dates.
Gloria: I mean, he came two inches from slamming me into a gas truck. It was like something out of "Red Asphalt."
Nikki: He’ll grow on you.
Gloria: Not in this lifetime.
NC (voiceover): Oh, now we know why she turned into a lesbian in The Brady Bunch Movie. (A quick clip of Marsha Brady and Noreen from The Brady Bunch Movie is shown)
(Cut to Wiley and Mitchell sitting across each other at a table in a restaurant)
Wiley: My dad shot her. It was weird.
NC (voiceover): Wait a minute, what did he say?!
Wiley: My dad shot her. It was weird.
NC (voiceover): Dude! What the hell was that story about? (Beat) No, seriously. Can we just skip this bullshit and hear what story ends with “My dad shot her”?
NC: Tell me you don’t wanna hear that story instead. I mean, really! Tell me!
NC (voiceover): But unfortunately, this (the movie) story continues, as we see one of the Preps comes in and starts moving in on his girl.
Preps Dude #1: Well, it looks like Nikki’s got herself a new little friend.
Mitchell: Sort of a private thing we got goin’ here. Hey, what do you say we get together some other time and go bowling or somethin’? (Another Preps Dude laughs at this, before Preps Dude #1 prepares to attack Mitchell)
NC (voiceover): But it seems Jack of all people comes in to save the day.
Preps Dude #1: Get lost, would you? This has got nothin’ to do with you!
Jack: Stay away from my sister.
(A dramatic music sting is heard)
NC (voiceover): That’s right! Jack and Nikki are siblings. Funny she never brought THAT up! Of course, Jack doesn’t approve of Mitchell dating her, but Mitchell once again tries to find the peaceful route.
Mitchell: Hey, what do you say we all sit down, talk about this over a basket of fries or somethin’?
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Does he always have a cowardly retort on standby?
NC: (as Mitchell) Hey, man, what do you say we pick roses and skip?
Jack: (takes off his jacket) I’m taking Nikki home. There’s nothin’ you can do about it.
Mitchell: Well, I hate to ruin your fun, but I’m not gonna fight you, Jack. I’m not.
Jack: You afraid of me?
Mitchell: You think giving me a tough look, calling me a few names, puttin’ sand in my locker’s gonna make me wanna fight you? Well, you got another thing coming, man. I’m outta here in three months! Three months! You think I’m gonna waste my time on you or anyone else? You ain’t worth it, brawn. No one here is, no one.
NC (voiceover): Wow. I think that is the proudest puss-out speech I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, he fucking flaunts it! He doesn’t care who knows he’s a shivering pansy; he’d expose it to everybody! I mean, are there other tough ways of saying you’re a complete and total coward?
NC: (as Mitchell) You think you’re all tall, tough and scary? Let me tell you something. I just crapped my pants right now. They are filled with doo-doo, and I am horrified. Horrified. After this is done, I am gonna go home and cry like a little girl. (He pretends to sob) Yeah, that’s gonna be me. That’s gonna be me. That’s how scary you are, bitch!
NC (voiceover): But it turns out Nikki doesn’t like the fact that he’s an utter tool and decides to leave him behind.
(Mitchell tries to go to her, but Jack blocks his way to let her continue walking off; we hear the familiar music sting from Saved By the Bell that is heard before every commercial break)
NC (voiceover): So everybody abandons Mitchell, even Wiley, which causes him to stay up all night trying to figure out what he did wrong.
(As we see Mitchell lie in bed and stare off into space, we cut to an imaginary scene of him surfing in the ocean)
NC (voiceover): Holy shit, GET OVER IT! You know what? Why don’t you just go out with the wave? Yeah! It’s obvious that’s the only thing that understands you and it doesn’t have lips to call you an absolute pussy!
Mitchell: (wakes up Wiley) Wake up, man. Wake up.
Mitchell: I had this dream. There-there was this wave, the “one you ain’t gettin’ another chance solar eclipse” wave, until I see this-this mondo-shark. He just looked like a guppy, man, and his name was Pepe.
Mitchell: Then I woke up.
Wiley: You woke me up to tell me a lousy dream?
Mitchell: Are you kidding? Everything we need to know is in our dreams, man! They’re windows to enlightenment!
NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, who is this kid?! Why must he destroy years of strong ethical teachings with his absolute douchey-ness?!
Mitchell: Well, it’s obvious that…that Jack is the shark, and Nikki's the wave.
Wiley: What does it mean? You’re gonna fight Jack?
Mitchell: And have Gandhi roll over in his grave? I don’t think so.
NC: (as Mitchell) I am Gandhi’s official protégé, and don’t you forget it!
Mitchell: Besides, you don’t have to fight the shark to fight for the wave.
NC (voiceover): (as Mitchell) There’s gotta be some way I can approach this like a complete and total wuss!
(Cut to the next day with Mitchell skating by a game of roller hockey going on)
NC (voiceover): So Mitchell sees that Jack and friends are fighting the Preps at roller hockey, and he asks if he can join in.
Augie: Jack, why don’t you just let the moron play?
Jack: What for?
Augie: If you let him play, at least we can watch him get his butt kicked.
(Other members of the team agree to this)
Mitchell: (skates up to the group) You guys got room for one more?
Jack: Travis, you’re off.
NC (voiceover): Dude, what is with these idiots and letting other idiots play on their team? Did they…NOT learn their lesson the first time? The “Anti-Tony the Tiger” incident? Hello! (The game begins) But, of course, he (Mitchell) starts to do well and even impresses his girlfriend again.
Nikki: (to herself with a grin) Yes.
NC (voiceover): Thank God being impressed by sports and physical aggression doesn’t make people incredibly shallow, or else…she would be a total bitch!
(Cut to a Preps player running into Mitchell out of the rink boundary and getting aggressive with him; Mitchell stops from starting a fight)
NC (voiceover): (as Mitchell) No. That is not the code of the pussy.
Wiley: (to Mitchell) Why didn’t you do anything? Mitchell!
(Mitchell skates to the player and pantses him)
NC (voiceover): And Gandhi's rolling over in his grave! Way to completely confuse whatever message you were trying to get across, movie!
Mitchell: (skates up to Nikki) You were right! There are some things worth fighting for!
Nikki: (laughs) Would you go?
NC (voiceover): So you see, kids, it’s not about physical violence. It’s just about hurting somebody somehow. That’s what really counts in life.
(Cut to Nikki climbing on top of a car to get a better look at Mitchell skating away from the scene and waving to the crowd; Nikki waves back as we hear the musical score from The Mask of Zorro and even a shot of Zorro with his horse standing on its hind legs to do a pose. We then cut to Snake, Augie and their buddies visiting Wiley's home and accepting Mitchell as a friend)
NC (voiceover): So, (sings to the tune of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”) then all the reindeer loved him. (Normal) But it turns out there’s one other little problem. The movie’s just a little over an hour done. How the hell are we gonna fill up the rest of the time?
Snake: (to Mitchell) We’re challenging the Preps to a little skating race. We’re gonna settle this thing once and for all. We thought maybe you’d, you know, want to come in and skate in our team.
Wiley: Where’s the race?
Tony Banducci: Devil’s Backbone.
(NC makes a high-shrieked gasp and covers his mouth with one hand)
Wiley: It’s only the most dangerous hill in the whole town!
Mitchell: Then why do this?
Augie: Because we’re tired of being put down.
Tony Banducci: Treated like low-life trash.
Mark Banducci: Losers!
Snake: And we’re somebody. This is our chance to prove it, and we can only do it as a team.
NC: (as Snake) We gotta show ‘em that picking on people because they’re different isn't right! Will you help us, person we recently picked on because he was different?
NC (voiceover): Of course, he says yes, and the most EXTREME race from the most EXTREME rivalry finally takes place.
(As the team walks over a hill, we start to hear the song “The Rumble” from West Side Story)
Jets Gang: (audio, singing) The Jets are gonna have their day tonight! The Jets are gonna have their way tonight!
NC (voiceover): So the race is on, and at first, it’s actually not a bad race. There’s surprisingly some good skating and it even manages to be a little intense.
(As the participants continue to race, we intercut with footage from the famous chariot race in Ben-Hur, including the clip of one racer whipping another racer as they’re next to each other and another clip of the whole crowd standing up in reaction to a participant in Airborne slipping and colliding with a car)
NC (voiceover): So they race downhill…and they race downhill…and they race downhill. (Pauses) OK, at first, this was kind of exciting, but after 15 MINUTES of this, it starts to get a little old! It’s basically just the rollerblade version of the pod race from “[Star Wars] Episode 1 [The Phantom Menace].” (The following is said with accompanying text appearing onscreen as a list) First minute is kinda fun, second minute is a little annoying, third minute is just grating, and fourth minute, WE GOT 12 MORE MINUTES OF THIS SHIT!?!?!?!?!?! GOD!
(The race continues on)
NC (voiceover): By the way, I think the Devil’s Backbone has scoliosis, because it fucking goes everywhere! What, is the garage part of the Devil’s Backbone? Is the stairway part of the Devil’s Backbone? Even your GPS would give up at this point! (An image of a GPS with the words “FUCK IT!” written on it is shown)
(Cut to Mitchell and two of his teammates approach the start of a bridge and a car approaches at the top of the bridge’s middle; Mitchell reacts in sight of the car and somehow jumps over, clearing it)
NC (voiceover): Uhh, no. That doesn’t happen. Unless your wheels are encased in Flubber, you just jumped the shark. Oh, I’m sorry, I mean, “Pepe.”
(Cut to the nose-brace student once more)
NC (voiceover): But Mitchell gets lost and can’t find his way back to the track.
(Cut to Mitchell skating up to a stone railing to see the crowd of people gathered together at the finish line)
NC (voiceover): (as Mitchell) This looks like a job for cheating!
(Mitchell jumps over the railing to land on an inclined cargo bay of a truck and get back in the race; Cut to a Prep skating close to Mitchell in hopes of knocking him down, but Mitchell dodges and the Prep goes over a railing (we hear the Goofy yell at this point) to land in the water)
NC: (refers to the Goofy yell he put in) Sorry, sorry. It's just, I’ll never get tired of that sound.
(We see Mitchell and Jack winning the race, while Mitchell is cheered by the entire skating crowd while finally earning the respect of Jack)
NC (voiceover): So, of course, Mitchell wins the day and everything turns out great. We hope you enjoyed this extremely long race, and we apologize for the rest of the movie that had to come with it.
(Cut to Mitchell and Nikki kissing before the film fades to black, ending the movie; The Nike logo appears at the bottom and NC speaks the following with accompanying text appearing onscreen)
NC (voiceover): (as an announcer) Nike. Just…Just don’t do what this idiot does. (An image of Mitchell is shown)
NC: And that was Airborne, the epitome of ‘90s blandness.
(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): This is one of those films that should be placed in a time capsule. I’m not saying it totally sums up the ‘90s, but it sums up how the media saw the ‘90s, and it’s pretty much every ‘90s cliché that existed at the time. In that sense, it’s sort of a wonder. Apart from that, sometimes Jack Black and the other supporting cast can be funny, but the main character’s (Mitchell) a jackass, the writing is forgettable, and the main message is really confusing. Fight for your rights and…screw whatever Gandhi said? I don’t know. But if you’re looking for good generic stupidity from the decade where these guys were popular (An image of the band Hanson is shown briefly), this would probably be your best bet. Take it for what it’s worth.
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it to the EXTREME! (He strikes a pose before getting up to leave)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Nikki: You’re a poet.
Mitchell: Nah, I just know what I like.
(The nose-brace student is shown one last time)