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Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time

Phelous-AladdinAndTheAdventureOfAllTime106-640x360

Released
September 26, 2013
Running time
21:15
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(We open on Phelous lying on the ground, wide-eyed and his mouth wide open. Police sirens quietly blare in the distance.)

Phelous: (sitting up) Have you ever wanted to have Aladdin and the Pagemaster combined through the power of Roger Corman's production company? (pause) Well, it happened anyway. Its "Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time!"

(Calm music plays as the episode's title card appears.)

Phelous: It's time for (holds up the DVD cover) Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventu-- (sees the DVD cover) Oh, I mean Aladdin and Paige's Bogus Journey. Silly me.

(Concorde logo and opening credits play.)

Phelous (vo): If you were worried about quality showing up in this movie, no worries. The title screen immediately lets you know that pesky trait won't be showing up here.

(A poorly photoshopped lamp appears onscreen with jumpily-animated smoke billowing out and covering the screen as vaguely Arabian-sounding music plays. The title immediately fades in.)

Phelous (vo): (The entire lamp scene plays again.) Just look at this! The jumpy smoke and (The scene plays again and zooms in on the lamp.) where'd they even manage to get that horrible cutout of a lamp? Was it the first image that showed up on Google Images for "magic lamp"?

(Cut to "To Boldly Flee" where Phelous is crushed by what was presumably the first image that showed up on Google Images for "safe" at the time. Cut back to title as the credits play.)

Phelous (vo): Actually, this movie is a bit too early for Google-fu as it was started in 1994, hence, any of (Cut to the theatrical poster of "The Pagemaster") the Pagemaster influence because while (Cut to title frame of...) Aladdin leaving his stink on things is timeless, (Zoom in on the bottom of the DVD cover.) something referring to Pagemaster in 1999 (Cut back to the movie.) is about as timely as complaining about this movie 14 years later.

(Cut to Phelous, still holding the DVD cover, slowly realizing his hypocritical statement and drops the movie, acting aloof. Cut back to the movie.)

Phelous (vo): But that's something to always remember when looking at this thing. It was FIVE YEARS in the making.

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: Whenever you look at any part of this thing, I want you to remember: FIVE years in the making!

(Cut to the movie's DVD menu.)

Phelous (vo): Gave them time to really polish it up at least, huh? (Cut to a short bio page on Roger Corman, the producer of the movie.) I also love how random blotches (Zoom in on a lamp on the screen) appear when I'm trying to select "lamp" on the menu. Also, did you know that Roger Corman was (Zoom in on the quote.) "arguably one of the most gifted and masterful film makers?"

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: Never heard that argument before, but... I suppose someone... probably... has made it before, so...guess I can't argue with that! (Phelous looks away in dumbfounded disbelief.)

(Cut back to the movie where the Grandfather of the main character is dusting off a random bookshelf.)

Phelous (vo): So I know I said the title screen lets us know that quality has no place here, but it has not prepared you AT ALL for what you're about to face!

Grandfather: (polishes a random crystal ball) The story you're about to hear, happened more than once. (dusts a random shelf of knick-knacks) It happened more than twice. In fact, (dusts behind a random statue) somewhere, it's still happening.

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: ...Why? Why is it still happening? TELL ME WHY?!!

(Cut to the Grandfather going to adjust a grandfather clock. Ha ha, cute.)

Grandfather: That's because this story, is about time itself, and time, has no ending.

Phelous: Pfft. We'll see about that. (Phelous looks at the back of the DVD cover to find the Approximate Running Time is... ∞ minutes! Dramatic music plays. He then screams incoherently.)

(Cut back to the movie.)

Phelous (vo): Look at this! It's like the very worst of FMV games! The jumpy animation, the jagged lines, no shading on the characters so they stick out ridiculously against the overly-detailed backgrounds... (Cut to a "cutscene" from the game "Link: The Faces of Evil") This would've been right at home on the Philips CD-i, in fact I'm not unconvinced that this wasn't made to make the CD-i look good. (Cut to the movie.) Oh, and don't forget...

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: FIVE YEARS IN THE MAKING!

(Cut to the movie.)

Paige: ♪ Look over there ♪

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: Noooooo.

(Cut to the movie.)

Paige: ♪ They all belooooong.../What makes me so different from them? ♪

Phelous (vo): I don't know, the fact you're gliding along the ground rather than walking? (Cut to the kids of the school, including one sporting googly-eyed glasses.) Or maybe it's just that you're not some googly-eyed bastard! (Cut to a kid with Groucho Marx glasses with one googly-eye.) Oh, and look who else she went to school with.

(Cut to Mega Man 8 with terribly-dubbed Dr. Light.)

Dr. Light: Doctor Wahwee.

Phelous (vo): (Zoom out from Dr. Wily.) Huh, well, no wonder he got so screwed up, (Cut back to the movie.) living in this animated FMV abomination nightmare!

Paige: ♪ They all fit iiiiiin, so what sets me apart from them? ♪

(Cut to Phelous, clearly unamused.)

Phelous: Oh, don't try to sell me that shit!

(Cut back to the movie.)

Phelous (vo): Yeah, she's COMPLETELY different because she reads. Oh, and why just let "Pagemaster" and "Aladdin" have all the fun? Might as well throw in some "Beauty and the Beast" as they start singing about what a bookworm she is.

Boys: (singing at a faster, jauntier pace) ♪ Here comes that Paige/She reads and reads and reads and reads until her eyeballs hurt ♪

Girls: ♪ And then Paige reads some more/Her two eyes turn to four ♪

Boys and Girls: ♪ She's such a bookworm, who can stand to be with such a bore ♪

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: Aladdin! (long, awkward pause)

(Cut back to the movie.)

All kids: ♪ She's such a bookworm, who can stand to be with such a bore ♪

Phelous (as Sheriff): ♪ I've thought of running her in several times/Just for being such a reading shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit ♪ (Sounds of a car crashing play.)

Singers: ♪ ...except for hide and seek, but then she hides at the li-brar-y... ♪

Phelous (vo): Well, that was a stretch.

Braces boy: (takes Paige's book) Hey, four eyes! Heh. Read any good books lately?

Phelous (vo): Whoa, massive burn from Jaws there! (shows picture of Jaws, the James Bond villain from "The Spy Who Loved Me") Man, she went to school with ALL the great villains!

Redhead boy: (holding Paige's book) Lose something, bookworm?

Paige: (grabs one end of the book) Let go of it!

Redhead: Why should I?

(Slide whistle plays as Paige jumpy-animation'd onto the ground with pages flying all over.)

Phelous (vo): Five years in the making really gave them time to make the animation STUNNING, huh? I love when things go from choppy to moving to fast!

Redhead: What's the big deal?

Phelous (as Jaws-boy): Henh, you deserve to die for reading anyway, I might rip your throat out later. (Cut to Paige and Redhead looking stunned at "Jaws-boy".) Uhhh... just kidding.

Phelous (vo): Wow, that's some amazing depth of field on that picture of Aladdin she somehow has already (Zoom in on said picture) looking pretty spiffy in that "Arabian" hat.

Women: ♪ And when Paige cleans her room, she straps a book onto her brooooom ♪

(Cut to Phelous, clearly confused as to whether or not this was supposed to be funny.)

Phelous: Haaaa... ha?

(Cut to Paige's home as she sits on a rocking chair reading. Her grandfather JUST notices her.)

Grandfather: Paige?

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: Her name is Paige. Wow. Wonder where they were going with that. Really makes you think.

(Cut to the movie.)

Grandfather: Are those bullies picking on you again?

Phelous (as Paige): Yeah, they were super mean today. (Fade into the "super mean-ness" in question) They joined me in my song about reading and then after taking my book, politely gave it back with my purse and waved goodbye!

Phelous (as Grandfather): Why, those fucking bastards. Looks like they'll be needing (a shotgun appears) Mr. Shotgun. (two gunshots are heard as blood splatters appear over each boy's face.)

Paige: It's these stupid glasses.

Grandfather: Your glasses?

Phelous (as Grandfather): You realize I wear glasses too? (The shotgun appears as he cocks it.)

Paige: Why else would they tease me?

Phelous (as Grandfather): Because! You have a terrible personality!

Grandfather: Now why don't you go outside and play with your friends?

Phelous (as Paige): (Cut to Paige looking out the window at some slow-moving kids.) Oh, I don't want to. They move in slow-motion (Cut outside to the same slow-moving kids using the same slow-moving animation.) and are just a repeated animation.

Phelous (vo): So here's something else sad, like there wasn't enough, this actually looks a bit better zoomed in, since it blurs it rather than showing those horribly jagged edges on all the characters.

Paige: ♪ And so I liiiiiiiiive for booooooks... ♪

(Cut to "Link: The Faces of Evil")

Link: Gee, it sure is boring around here.

(Cut to movie, where the song ends with some final chords. As Paige raises her arms up, the background partially brightens up. The song ends abruptly with a record scratch.)

Phelous (as Paige): Um, that was the cue to fade to white, (Paige lowers and raises her arms multiple times, and the background darkens and brightens in time with her) not just slightly brighten the background.

Phelous (as Grandfather): (Grandfather appears with a bottle of what can be assumed as liquor.) Whoops, sorry Paige, gettin' drunk over here, missed the cue. Try it again.

(Scene plays again, but the background still only brightens up.)

Phelous (as Grandfather): Uh, one more time?

(Scene quickly reverses then plays again. Still just the background brightening...)

Phelous (as Grandfather): Almost got it... ah, th-th-th where the hell w... (scene finally brightens to a close) THERE we go!

Phelous (vo): Next scene shows more wonders of having FIVE YEARS to make your animation the best with (close-up of Paige's hand holding a book with Aladdin's picture on it) colors running past the outline, (cut to a squished picture of Aladdin finding a lamp) pictures squished to fit the aspect ratio, (close-up of the right edge of the scene where Paige is reading aloud) talking that makes the right edge shrink in, AND Paige being a ventriloquist!

Paige: ...rescue the princess from the clutches (cut behind Paige, where it's shown her lips aren't even moving) of an evil sorcerer... (thunder crashes)

(Cut to Phelous, amazed at the sheer amount of effort to be lazy.)

Phelous: This movie is amazing!

(Cut back to the movie.)

Phelous (vo): And then we finally learn who the REAL author of the original Aladdin tale was, (cut to the villains of the movie) this Jem and the Holograms reject villain, as written by Daffy Snake!

Scheherazade: Are you getting all this, Tambor?

Tambor: Yessssstthhhhh, Your Majessssthty.

Scheherazade: Good.

Phelous (as S'zade): Now as long as some Frenchman doesn't show up and get most of the credit, I'll be rich!

Phelous (vo): Nah, of course her plan is dumber than book sales.

(Cut to random shot of the Sultan acting like a lovesick doofus.)

Scheherazade (offscreen): And they lived happily ever after! Muhahahahahah...

Aladdin: You call this living happily ever after?

Scheherazade: I call it covering my tracks.

Phelous: From who? People in the future? Or can you just write "and they lived happily ever after" about anyone and no one will have to check in on them? Ever again!

Phelous (as Grandfather): And Paige lived happily ever after. (cocks gun)

Phelous (as Paige): Grandpa, no!! (gets shot in the face)

Phelous (as Sheriff): Got a missing persons report on that bookworm Paige, but then her grandfather showed us a book saying she lived happily ever after. Case closed. (Car crashing sounds play again.)

(Cut back to the movie.)

Phelous (vo): Also, Sultan Fuckface is stuck in a loop of trying to lick up his shame. I'm sure if he repeated this animation just a few more times, it would've worked.

Tambor: (gets his neck closed into the book somehow) Dohhhh... (coughs)

(Dramatic sort-of-Arabian music plays as we zoom out from the tower, which is very low quality.)

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: They're at a low-resolution picture? Wow, haven't been that surprised since--

(Cut to Toaster Jump Scare!)

Phelous: Thank you for that.

Scheherazade: Not only have I stolen Aladdin's magic lamp.

Phelous: Oh, it's specifically Aladdin's lamp now, is it? This seems like a child wrote it.

(Cut to the movie, an image of "Jem and the Holograms" antagonists The Misfits appears at the right.)

Phelous (vo): Well, please, do go on, Miss Not-Even-Cool-Enough-To-Be-Part-Of-The-Misfits, with your explanation of things people would already know.

Scheherazade: But I've used it to make your soft-hearted father fall hopelessly in love with me. Now, his entire--

(Scene plays 4 Non Blonds' "What's Up" and loops back and forth similar to the viral He-Man video that uses the music)

Sche"He-Man"zade: ♪ Hey yeah yeah yeah yeah... ♪

(Scene resumes as normal (as it can get...))

Scheherazade: --is mine to command.

(Cut to Crocodile 2: Death Swamp.)

Max: Thank you for that.

(Cut back to the movie.)

Aladdin: But why go to all the trouble of writing that... that fairy tale?

Phelous: Aladdin, just try to stay with me here, but if it's your life, IT'S NOT A FAIRY TALE!

Scheherazade: Because people believe whatever they read. And I don't want the name Scheherazade to go down in history as a wicked old--

Phelous (as Tambor): --file sharing program?

Scheherazade: (smacks Tambor away) I was going to say "queen".

(The scene of Scheherazade smacking Tambor plays again (once normally, then again slowly) as Phelous speaks.)

Phelous (vo): Wow, can you tell where someone else started working to finish this sequence? I can't, it's seamless! That's why I mentioned it.

Scheherazade: So, now that I have everything my black heart desires, I'm going to hide the lamp in a place it will never be found!

Phelous (as S'zade): MY VAGINA! (cut to Aladdin and "Jasmine" shocked by the horror) ...er, I mean--

Scheherazade: --the FUTURE!! (cut to Aladdin and "Jasmine" shocked by the stupidity)

Daffy Duck (as Tambor): You're desthpicable!

Phelous (vo): And quite stupid. You really caused your own problems with this one. If you'd not written about Aladdin, no one would care about him, and you can teleport through time and space, so maybe just go with "space"? As in outer, so no one can use it? Or maybe the center of the Earth? Or hell, maybe your vagina! I don't know, ANYWHERE was better than the future!

Tambor: Oh, the peasantsssh tried revolting again.

Phelous (as S'zade): Even after you wrote the story about them living happily ever after? I don't know what works anymore!

(The viral He-Man audio returns!)

Sche"He-Man"zade: ♪ Hey yeah yeah yeah yeah... ♪

(Cut to Crocodile 2: Death Swamp.)

Max: Thank you for that.

(Cut back to the movie.)

Phelous (vo): Now, let's play a game of what "Scherazade" is wearing on her legs. (scenes play showing the following options) Green see-through pants? Purple see-through pants? Just a purple cloak around them? Or nothing! If you guessed any of those, then... (captions appear on a freeze frame of Scheherazade's face as he speaks) Conglaturation!!! You have completed a great movie. Now go and rest our brain cells! (cut to Aladdin being dragged to the chopping block) Anyway, Scheradu and the Holograms decides it's time for a not-so-stupid plan of executing Aladdin. Of course, she decides it'll be a public execution, kind of negating that whole "he lived happily ever after" story she just put out, but hey, why should she remember HER PLANS from three minutes ago? And as we all know, things in the past are running linearly alongside things in the present, because that's how time works.

(Cut to Paige holding the lamp on her desk.)

Paige: I wish I knew where it came from.

(Smoke billows from the lamp as Arabic-ish music plays, enveloping the crystal ball next to Paige and having it show Aladdin about to be executed.)

Phelous (vo): Of course! It came from Aladdin's execution! That sure was what she wished for!

Paige: Magic lamp, I wish Aladdin were here.

(Cut to "Link: The Faces of Evil".)

Gwonam: Squadala! We're off!

(Aladdin teleports away just as the axe comes down for his neck.)

Phelous (vo): And now that Aladdin has his turban off, we can really see (images of Roger Corman's Aladdin and Disney's Aladdin are shown next to each other) how closely they decided to rip off their design from the Disney movie. (images of Disney's Jasmine and the nameless princess from this movie are shown.) Really, the Jasmine or whoever is pretty damn close, too.

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: Wow, they didn't change ANYTHING. This is EXACTLY how I remember Aladdin!

(A terribly rendered image of Aladdin and "Jasmine" riding the rainbow blotch from the cover fly in.)

Phelous (singing badly as Aladdin): ♪ A whole new wooooorld... A new fantastic point of-- ♪

Aladdin: SHIT! SHIT! HOLY SHIT!

Phelous: EXACTLY how I remember it.

(Cut to the movie.)

Paige: I'm Paige.

Aladdin: "Paige"? Huh! (tries on the hat from the picture of him near the beginning of the movie.) What a funny name!

Phelous (as Aladdin): Heh heh, I'm Aladdin! I take being thrown into the far future like i just got an extra apple in my breakfast! Finally! It's not ruined.

Phelous (vo): And oh, look, Paige just had a picture of Aladdin from when he visits her later in the film. (said picture is shown)

Phelous: Ah, NOW it-- (awkward pause as he starts to realize... No. No, it doesn't.)

Phelous (vo): And for more awkward pauses, just take a listen to this!

Paige: Well... it's better than "Aladdin".

Aladdin: It is not! (awkward pause) Wait a minute, you know my name?

(awkward pause)

Paige: I know everything about you!

(awkward pause)

Aladdin: How? (awkward pause; Paige hands Aladdin the book) Where did you get this?

Paige: My grandpa gave it to me. This is his antique shop.

Aladdin: What's an antique?

Phelous (vo): Aw, damn distortion lines, must be my DVD wearing thin.

(Cut abruptly to the Sultan and Tambor.)

Sultan: Where are we going?

Phelous (as Sultan): And why am I Droopy Dog? And why did my beard change color? Oh right, because we have no consistency, carry on.

Aladdin: You saved my life! I-I don't know how to thank you. Yes I do! I'll give you a wish!

Phelous: Oh, Aladdin! Are you granting wishes out your butt now or are you giving her the lamp she already had?

Aladdin: There must be SOMETHING you want.

Paige: There is, but... ooh, it's silly.

Aladdin: Aw, the sillier the better when it comes to wishes!

Phelous (as Aladdin): Heh heh, just abuse your power, that's the lesson I learned!

Phelous (vo): So she, of course, wishes her books could talk, which naturally results in her being SURPRISED at the creation of this abomination.

Book (Wordsworth): Help! Someone! Anyone!

Paige: Who said that?

Wordsworth: I did. (falls into Paige's arms)

Paige: But, you're just a book!

Dr. Lanyon (vo): Oh my God!

Wordsworth: My name is Wordsworth.

Phelous: Yaaaay, a completely useless tagalong character... Whoopee... (immediately sobs)

Paige: This is magic smoke, from Aladdin's lamp!

Wordsworth: Heheh, Aladdin's lamp? Hoo hoo, oh you've been reading too many fairy tales.

Phelous (vo): Wow, even talking books don't believe in Aladdin.

(Cut to Phelous.)

Phelous: Well there goes that suspension of disbelief.

(Cut back to the movie.)

Phelous (vo): And while this makes one book into a creature that gets its butt read, the rest just shit out their characters, because consistency and all that.

Sleeping Beauty: (yawns) Would you guys keep it down? I'm trying to sleep!

Phelous (vo): Yeah, the thing about Sleeping Beauty is she was always tired!

Humpty Dumpty: (speaks in a Philly accent) Hey, you know me? Humpty Dumpty.

Phelous (as Humpty Dumpty): Wanna fight about it? I'll put your head through my wall.

Curly-haired girl: The question is, which one of us are you going to read next?

Various fairy tale characters: Pick me! Pick me! ♪ Read me first ♪

Phelous: NOOO!!

Various fairy tale characters: ♪ Check me out (cut to a random extreme close-up of a still face with blinking eyes) I'm the best fairy t- ♪

Phelous: (in a similar extreme close-up) What the hell was THAT?!

(Cut back to the movie, where Paige is bobbing her head to and fro to the rhythm of this song.)

Phelous (vo): Ooh, this is the best the character models have looked yet! (zoom in on a blurred Aladdin in the background) I mean Aladdin over there, of course.

Jack: ♪ I saved the town from a giant who's mean ♪

Humpty Dumpty: ♪ Your story's not all that it's cracked up to be-- ♪ (cracks open and spills out his guts offscreen. Totally legit. Not making it up, brah.)

(Cut to Scheherazade)

She-Ra (vo): For the honor of Greyskull!

(She-Ra's theme plays as a portal appears in front of Paige and Aladdin. Scheherazade appears.)

Chorus: ♪ She-Ra, She-Ra! She-Ra! She-Ra, She-Ra! ♪

Paige: Aladdin, do something!

Phelous (vo): (unenthusiastic) Yes, please, it's urgent, clearly. (normal) So they have a little contest of who's dumber. Sharewithall manages to get the lamp, but Aladdin smashes her time-travel hourglass. She leaves with only half of it, 'cause, you know, she either forgot what an hourglass looked like or she just wanted to play fair.

Aladdin: The sands of time!

Paige: Now you can go home.

Phelous: Yeah, screw this, let's just go home. (gets up to leave, but a metallic thud is heard as the screen cuts to black. A fake credit shows up as "Oh Phelous" plays, clearly trying and failing to trick the audience into thinking the video ended premturely.)

Aladdin: First I have to find the magic lamp. It's the only way to stop Scheherazade.

Paige: But, you don't know where she hid it. The lamp could be anyplace in history.

Wordsworth: I could tell you where it is.

Aladdin: You could? Where?

Wordsworth: I said I could tell you, I didn't say I would tell you.

Old Man from Pulse 1988 (vo): I know what I know, boy, but I'm not telling it!

Paige: Oh please, Mr. Wordsworth.

Wordsworth: Why should I? You've left me sitting on this shelf for years. Unopened, unread, collecting dust...

Phelous: So the book has been sentient this whole time?? (takes up a book)

Book (Wordsworth vo): Do you know, that I'm allergic to--

Phelous: Ugh! (tosses the book away)

Wordsworth: For your information, there happens to be a gravy boat which looks very much like the lamp, on the dinner table of King Henry VIII.

Aladdin: Eh, never heard of him.

Wordsworth: Of course you have.

Phelous: Yes, of course Aladdin has heard of King Henry.

Phelous (as Wordsworth): Well just take a gander at my asshole and read all about him.

Paige: You go. Maybe someday I'll read about it.

Aladdin: But reading about it isn't half as much fun as living it.

Paige: Oh, I don't know.

Aladdin: Come on. It'll be the Adventure of All Time!

Phelous: That's the title. Nyyyghhhh...

Phelous (vo): And so Aladdin and Paige stepped into the quantum sand accelerator and vanished, striving to put wrong what once went right and hoping each time that the next leap will be the leap to the lamp so they can make more greedy wishes. (The leaping sound effects from "Quantum Leap" play, and the "Quantum Leap" theme plays over footage from the movie. Credits appear reading "Starring Aladdin and Paige".)

(Cut to "Link: The Faces of Evil")

Link: Gee, it sure is boring around here.

Phelous: Is it really worth putting myself through any more of this? Yup! So we'll be back for part two!

(Credits roll as "Oh Phelous" plays)

(Cut to Phelous punching the DVD cover off of his hand unenthusiastically.)

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