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Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time Part 2

Phelous-AladdinAndTheAdventureOfAllTime2

Released
September 28, 2013
Running time
21:15
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Phelous: (flatly) Welcome back for more Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time.

(Calm music plays as the episode's title card appears.)

Phelous: (wildly) I'M MUCH MORE EXCITED AFTER THE TITLE CARD!! LET'S DO THIS!! (pauses, then goes back to being flat) Or not, whatever, I don't care.

(The "Quantum Leap" segment from Part 1 continues.)

(Cut to "Link: The Faces of Evil")

Link: Gee, it sure is boring around here.

(Cut to the movie, where a chef is about to put the finishing touches on a cake (by placing a crown on it?) when sparks fly out and Wordsworth appears, flying right into the chef's face and forcing him to fall onto the cake and drop the crown as well.)

Chef: Oh! Ugh! Ooh. (panics at the mess made in the next scene) Oh my! Oh dear! My cake!

Phelous (as Chef): I'll be executed, I will!

Aladdin: Mmm. Chocolate. Not bad.

Phelous (as Aladdin): Ha ha! It's funny 'cause it's not our problem!

Phelous (vo): So because Paige had a crown fall on her head and is wearing strange clothes, they assume she's royalty because people in the past were always idiots. So, of course it's right to the palace with them for one of the LAZIEST EFFECTS EVER. Moving and rotating the frame past its bounds so black area shows up. You know, if that's the best you got, just... just don't.

Woman: You should see how fat the lions are getting.

Paige: If the king doesn't like a meal, you feed it to the lions?

White-haired man: No no no, of course not. We feed the COOK to the lions.

Aladdin: Ohoho, the cook... uh (gulp) the cook?!

Phelous (vo): Wow! What horrible people! Who by the way won't be brought to justice by the end of this. And now, of course, Aladdin has to make the next meal, because... he's an expert at baking...

Aladdin: Was that a pinch, a dash and a splash or a splash, a dash and a pinch?

Wordsworth: Here, read it yourself.

Aladdin: I can't. I don't know how.

Wordsworth: I wish you hadn't told me that.

Aladdin: Why?

Wordsworth: It's very hard to dislike someone you feel sorry for.

Phelous: The ancient Arabian man can't read English?! What an idiot!

Phelous (vo): And make sure to get a load of the aspect ratio changing upon zooming out all the way. Only had five years to notice these things!

Aladdin: (trumpet sounds almost drowning out) Let's hope it's fit for a king.

(The trumpet blast continues for a few more seconds.)

Trumpeter: Prrrresenting the rrrrroyal family!

(As the "rrrrroyal family" storm in, cattle stampede sounds are heard.)

Phelous: Cow noises. Because they're fat. Laughing so hard right now I feel like I'm watching an Uwe Boll "funny version" film.

(The "rrrrroyal family" slurp away at their soup like pigs (because they're fat). Cut back to Phelous being silent with "so-hard laughter". Cut back to the movie, where Aladdin and Paige find... a SKINNY King Henry VIII?!)

Aladdin: You're... King Henry VIII?

King Henry VIII: In the flesh! Or should I say, the bones.

Paige: But you're so... skinny!

Phelous (vo): So skinny, we apparently can't even see when you walk away.

King Henry VIII: Yes, well, trying to live up to my family name has left me without much of an appetite.

Phelous (vo): Well, at least this is one of multiple characters we get voiced by Jim Cummings. That elevates this to the Best Film in the Universe.

Phelous: No it doesn't.

Paige: But your weight doesn't have anything to do with what kind of a king you are.

Phelous (vo): They teach King Henry it's okay to be who you are!! Until his evil family reminds them Aladdin's getting fed to the lions if he doesn't eat their food, so they just wish him fat so he'll eat everything! Sure, now he's morbidly obese and keeps eating fatty foods constantly which will no doubt shorten his life, but at least our heroes got what they want!

(Cut to Phelous slow-clapping to our "heroes" and their selfish victory.)

Scheherazade: Sultan! Take out the royal garbage.

Sultan: Right away, honey bunch! Ooh hoo, ooh! Oh my! Oh!

Ricky Caldwell: Garbage day!

Sultan: Oh these-- (gets shot by Ricky)

Paige: Your highness? Would you pass the gravy?

King Henry VIII: (holds on to the lamp) MY gravy!

Aladdin: Don't hog it... (tackles King Henry VIII and grabs the lamp) Got it!

(Our heroes escape on a food cart, with action-ish music playing, as they run through the servants.)

Aladdin: Here we gooooo! (hops onto the cart) Woo-hoo-hoo!

(They continue riding down through the castle until they come across a closing drawbridge, where they fly off past a full moon.)

Phelous (as E.T.): Aladdin phoooone hoooome!

Phelous (vo): Sara-para-wara manages to get the lamp through stupidity, once again, and now that she's finally learned that dumping the lamp in random time periods is a bad idea, especially since she now knows they can time travel, well, she's gonna...

Phelous: Do it again!

Phelous (vo): But luckily, a little ass reading leads them right to where it is! Because Wordsworth OF COURSE has ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPHS of all these ancient events, and if the lamp was there, of course it's in the photo!

Phelous: Wow, it's stupid for just so many reasons! Thank you, Adventure of All Time!

(Cut back to the movie where our heroes escape and we fade into the middle of the sea, where a couple of pirates are rowing in place with low frame-rate winds and choppy-animation seas for some reason. FIVE YEARS IN THE MAKING!)

Phelous: (in complete disbelief) What the garbage is THIS shit?

Phelous (vo): The frame rate, the jagged shit, j-- No one gave the smallest amount of a fuck on this thing, DID THEY?! FOR FIVE YEARS!!!!!

Pirate: ...a couple of stowaways.

Captain Black- uh, "Blondebeard": (happily) Stowaways? Did you say "stowaways"?! Welcome aboard!

Phelous (vo): Oh no, Blackbeard is nice, and flamboyant, and doesn't have the right beard color!

Aladdin: Don't tell me your name is Blondebeard!

Blondebeard: Aye, that it be!

Phelous (vo): Whoa, nice! What I love about the jokes in this film is, (mockingly) you never see them coming. (Cut to the old Fantastic 4 cartoon, where the Thing is Blackbeard) Guess this makes sense, though, since we all know Ben Grimm is the REAL Blackbeard.

Reed Richards: It's incredible! We're searching for Blackbeard's treasure, and due to a paradox of time, Ben himself is really Blackbeard!

Phelous (vo): Ha ha, that wasn't stupid...

(Cut back to the movie.)

Blondebeard: Shiver me timbers, what's this? (pulls out the lamp)

Aladdin: Hey, could I see that?

Blondebeard: (hands Aladdin the lamp) Oh, you can have it as far as I'm concerned.

Phelous (vo): Well, they got what they came for so they can leave this time without making things worse.

Phelous: Just kidding! (laughs dementedly)

(Cut back to the movie, where Blondebeard's ship is being attacked.)

Pirates: (get knocked away by the cannonfire) Graahhh!

Whitebeardless: Ahoy there, ye cowardly swab!

Phelous (Iago voice as the parrot): Don't be too hard on them! At least they raised some awareness!

Whitebeardless: Surrender your treasure or I'll sink that floating junkyard ye call a ship!

Blondebeard: (searches frantically through some junk) Now what did I do with that white flag?

Phelous (Iago voice): Oh well! At least they tried!

Phelous (vo): And our heroes are STILL trying... (captions appear reading "Watch the clouds change and Blonde Beard teleport positions.") ...to make the world a worse place as they turn the nice captain into BLACKBEARD!

(Cut to the Fantastic 4 "Blackbeard" episode.)

Ben Grimm: Ya mean, I started the whole blame legend just by going back in time?!

(Back to the movie!)

Phelous (vo): Who will now not only steal, but rape and murder people! Good job, guys! You know how in most time travel stories, people are worried about having adverse effects on history? Well our shitheads are worried about NOT having an adverse effect!

Blackbeard (Kool-Aid Man): (crashes through the ship's deck) OH YEAH!!

Blackbeard: ♪ All the mermaids flip their tails, when they see me bloody sails! ♪

Phelous: Oh, and mermaids exist! Let's just throw that in.

Blackbeard: Ha ha ha ha ha harrrr.... (fires a cannon at the enemy ship, which seems to have no effect for a second before immediately cracking in half, and the scene cuts to the ship sinking.)

Phelous (Iago voice): At least we tried!

Whitebeardless: Polly, help! I can't swim.

Phelous (Iago voice): You see, this is a funny situation because you're about to die!

Phelous (vo): And wow, for animation this stunning, people decided to change skin tones! And who knew that Blackbeard was also known as Bluemustache? Also his beard was sentient. Why the shit not. And of COURSE he wants to kill them now! You see how this was a change for the better, right? RIGHT?! Oh, and the book pulled out a pen. Can't wait for the line.

Wordsworth: Haven't you ever heard, that the pen is mightier than the sword?

Phelous: (sighs) I knew it was coming, but it still made me sad to hear it.

Aladdin: (slices away Blackbeard's black beard) You know something, Blackbeard? You need a shave.

Phelous: YOU DID THIS TO HIM, you stupid, Aladdin-hole!

Paige: Can we get out of here?

Aladdin: We can do anything we want, now that we have the lamp.

Phelous (vo): You had it ten minutes ago, you assholes! Well at least now they get a little bit of what they actually deserve. Getting eaten by the kraken and stuck in its shit. Seriously, what else would that be? Also, Aladdin gets stuck halfway out its asshole. Yes, this movie gave us Aladdin being stuck in the kraken's asshole.

Phelous: Just... let that sink in for a bit... Also, don't eat Aladdin, he'll constipate you.

(Cut to the Sultan kissing a post for some reason.)

Phelous (as Sultan): I'm in love with a post now. It makes absolutely no sense, but I guess it's hilarious.

Phelous (vo): Oh, and Sherapoo was the parrot the whole time, sitting on the captain's shoulder and repeating everything he said. I just... sure, whatever, whatever! So, Jaf-erazade turns her snake into a staff. You know, kinda sorta like (shows an image of Jafar with said snake staff) some OTHER Aladdin character. (cut back to the movie) Just so she can sing her evil song, about being evil! And that's about it.

(Shredder's "I Hate Music" song from "Coming Out of Their Shells" plays.)

Phelous: Oh wait, it's not THAT dumb.

Scheherazade: ♪ The knack for being mean seems to suit me/And as I've said, being mean is kinda fun! ♪

Phelous: Oh, wait, yes it is!

Extras: ♪ The only holiday you get is Halloween/'Cause she loves being Queen of Mean! ♪

Phelous: Halloween. They had Halloween there, did they? THAT MAKES--

(Sudden cut to Halloweenie.)

Halloweenie: Perrrfect seeeense.

(Return to the movie.)

Paige: Who is this Scheherazade?

Phelous: You know, by the way. Kinda came to mind a day after her trying to kill us.

Paige: Who is this Scheherazade?

Aladdin: They call her the Queen of Mean.

Phelous (vo): Hold on, let's watch that again.

(Slo-mo replay of the middle of that last scene.)

Phelous: The background didn't change, but the characters on screen did. WOW, ISN'T THAT--

(Sudden cut to Halloweenie.)

Halloweenie: really smooooth!

(Return to the movie.)

Wordsworth: -Sheherazade. She was the kindest, noblest, most generous queen in history.

Paige: He's right!

Phelous (vo): Wait, that name, I know it from somewhere...

(Fade to white with harp music playing as Phelous flashes back to moments of "New" Phelous and Phelous D1.)

"New" Phelous: The Magic of... Sche-her-hay-zayed. Sche-heck-her-hey-za-day.

Phelous D1: My favorite game. The Magic of... (checks the game cartridge) ...my favorite game.

(Flashback ends with a whoosh!)

Phelous: Well now I know how to say it! So DAMN you, Sch...villain of the movie!

(Cut away from Fail-ous failing to say "Scheherazade" even though it was said MULTIPLE TIMES TO HIM and back to the movie.)

Wordsworth: Ho ho ho ho ho! Not so fast! Not so fast! Ha ha! Ha ha!

(Cut to Phelous shocked with horror. SUDDEN ZOOM-IN ON HIS MOU-- Cut to movie.)

Phelous (vo): So of course, Je-her-a-sebra-vev-ra-zayd takes the lamp to ANOTHER famous figure from history, 'cause she's an idiot.

Aladdin: She's BEAUTIFUL!

Paige: Sure. If you like GODDESSES...

Aladdin: Magic sand, to Egypt for a while! Take us to the Queen of the Nile!

Phelous (vo): Oh, pretty good for someone who can't read the book, Aladdin! I'm suspicious of you... Also, what was that, another mouth just floating in the kraken? What, were they worried they were going to get double-eaten before they teleported? Anyway, the Sands of Time even realize these fuckwits are just out to destroy history so it tries to kill them as well!

(The history-fucking gang end up sliding from the top of a pyramid.)

All: Whoa-oaaaaaaa!

(Sudden cut to the Pharaoh.)

Pharaoh: I sentence you to a lifetime inside the Sphinx!

Prisoner: Please, oh be fair! No! No!

Pharaoh: I believe I was more than fair with Prince Raji. If I wasn't, may the gods drop the sky on my head!

Phelous (vo): And predictable joke in five...four...three...two...

(The Fuck History gang smash their boat on the Pharaoh, killing him.)

Paige: Something broke our fall.

Guard 1: Yes. The Pharaoh's head.

Guard 2: Now Cleopatra is queen!

Phelous: Just a little bit of murder! Hur-hur-hur-hur-hur...

Phelous (vo): Remember the theory of even squashing a butterfly in the past might change the future? Well these assholes just squashed pharaohs with THEIR casual disregard for life in the future! I'm not even joking! Listen to how LITTLE they care about KILLING someone!

(Cleopatra shows up, completely obscured by satin curtains except for her legs.)

Cleopatra: My father was a king among men, and you squashed him like a beetle! What have you got to say for yourselves?

Aladdin: Whoops.

Phelous: Killed someone! Whoops! (Phelous shrugs nonchalantly, and the image spins around and zooms in with a wah-wah-wah-boing!)

(At this point, it's easier to see Cleopatra behind the partially-transparent curtains. Spoiler alert: with Henry VIII being skinny, and Blackbeard being nice, guess what Cleo is? Hur-hur-hur...)

Cleopatra: Sacrifice the girl and the book to the Sphinx!

Wordsworth: What about the boy? This whole thing was his fault anyway!

Cleopatra: The cute one has a choice. He can spend the rest of his life in prison...

Aladdin: ...or...

Cleopatra: ...be my husband.

(A guard brings down a spear, which makes a sword-drawing sound.)

Aladdin: (excitedly) When's the wedding?

Phelous (vo): Wow, they don't even care about each other. Oh, sure, sacrifice Paige, Aladdin don't give no shits! What wonderful people. Speaking of which, we're off to the Cave of Blunders! AKA the talking Sphinx, which of course surprises no one 'cause that's how history went. AND THEY DIE... but that's okay 'cause Aladdin's eating and getting married!

Aladdin: You're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen! (Just wait 'til you actually SEE her, dimwit.)

Phelous (vo): Well he says that until he finds out SHE'S FAT!! Oh no, what a terrible day for Aladdin! The selfish fucking prick.

Cleopatra: And what should I call you?

Aladdin: Oh, uh, how about calling me a cab?

Phelous (vo): Okay, (images of the Genie in Disney's Aladdin appear) the anachronisms by the Genie in Disney's Aladdin made some sense. He was a GENIE, so you could say he could see into the future and stuff. (back to the movie) But Aladdin-hole shouldn't be making references like this! Oh, and Paige and stupid book get out of the Sphinx because they answer a riddle. If you're waiting for Aladdin to try and do anything to save them and redeem himself, well, he's too busy trying to avoid Cleopatra 'cause she's FAT!

(Cut to a slow clap of shame from Phelous.)

Fail-ous: Shazzarazzado better take lessons from YOU about being evil, Aladdin! Holy shit!

Phelous (as Aladdin): My friends might already be dead because I made no attempt whatsoever to save them, and if they ARE still alive, well, I'll let them die before I kiss Fat-opatra! Eugh...

(Paige opens the Pharaoh's already-prepared sarcophagus revealing the lamp inside and takes it.)

Paige: Sorry, Pharaoh, we need this more than you do.

Mummified Pharaoh: No problem.

(Cut to Phelous in disbelief.)

Phelous: Is this just a contest now to see who can be the biggest asshole?

(In comes Wordsworth to answer that question.)

Wordsworth: "Cleofatra" is more like it.

Phelous: Okay, just making sure.

(Cut back to the scene where Paige takes the lamp from the Pharaoh.)

Phelous (vo): Anyway, "sorry for killing you, Pharaoh, wish there was something we could do. Well, we'll just be taking this magic lamp that grants us wishes and you go fuck yourself for eternity." Well, it almost seems like they try for SOME redemption when Paige tries to relate to Cleopatra.

Paige: The boys call me "four-eyes".

Cleopatra: Ohhhh. They call ME "thunder thighs".

Paige: Inside, you're the most beautiful and desirable girl in the world.

Phelous (vo): Aww, well they finally made a difference in the right w--W-HA! NAH! They wish her beautiful! No lessons learned! Fuck that shit, it's what's on the OUTSIDE that counts!

Aladdin: You're BEAUTIFUL! (makes his signature dumb face from the title card as the image zooms in)

Phelous (vo): Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...

Cleopatra: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go inspire poets...

Phelous: Well, I guess at least the personality change in her wasn't too bad.

Cleopatra: ...and cause war between nations.

Phelous: And there it is.

Phelous (vo): And wow, Cleopatra's servants sure have skimpy outfits. I don't know if that's something these animators can really (close up of one servant's COMPLETELY exposed nipple-less breasts) haaaaaaaaaa... (more exposed breasts) ...ndle... WOW. Ooookay, should I be censoring thi-- (cut to more servants with exposed featureless crotches) WHAT THE FUCK?!! (Cut to an image of the movie's cover to the left) Time for my rating, Aladdin and the Adventure of All Time gets a (the Rated R logo slams down on the right, listed for nudity) HARD R for nudity!

Aladdin: Why don't we go everywhere? Meet everyone?

Paige: Can we?

Aladdin: Sure! It's up to you.

Paige: I wish I had more time!

(Suddenly, a rainbow butterfly appears from the lamp. The classic "Reading Rainbow" theme begins as the gang are carried on its back and flown off.)

Paige and Aladdin: Whooooa!!

"Reading Rainbow" singer: ♪ Butterfly in the sky/I can go twice as high/Take a look, it's in a book/A Reading Rainbow ♪

Phelous (vo): (footage of the "Reading Rainbow" title sequence plays) Okay! Seriously! SOMEONE was watching "Reading Rainbow" (cut back to the movie) before they drew this!

(Cut to Phelous holding the DVD cover and pointing at it angrily.)

Phelous: FOR SHA-- (suddenly realizes what was on the cover) ...That's what they were on, on the cover! I thought it was a magic carpet! You tricked me! YOU can fly twice as high, you FUCKS! (tosses the cover away)

(Cut back to the shit-show.)

Phelous (vo): So they fly through history, destroying things! Making... (sings as Offkey Aladdin from part 1) ♪ A whole new world... A new fantastic point of-- ♪

Badly-rendered Aladdin: (suddenly returns) SHIT!! SHIT!! HOLY SHIT!!

Phelous: (laughs dementedly, then speaks flatly) Whatever.

Phelous (vo): After that, the butterfly betrays them 'cause it's awful, they're awful, everyone is awful.

Scheherazade: Welcome home, Aladdin!

Aladdin: Home?

(Sudden cut!)

Paige: --IS that?

Scheherazade: A blast from the past!

(Enter the T-rex!)

Aladdin: Its a dinosaur!

Phelous (vo): Oh, did you read about those in all those books you don't understand, Aladdin?

Paige: Aladdin! Do something!

Phelous (vo): Did they just re-use that line? Or is this piece of BRILLIANCE Paige's catchphrase?

(Flashback to part 1)

Paige: Aladdin, do something!

(Back to now!)

Paige: Aladdin! Do something!

Aladdin: I wish-- (the T-rex stomps, forcing Ass-laddin to drop the lamp down a crack in the Earth) Oh, oh no! I wish I wasn't such a klutz!

Scheherazade: AHHHHHHH! The lamp fell into the center of the Earth!

Phelous: Yeah! One of the places you could've hid it and they NEVER WOULD'VE FOUND IT, YA FUCKING MORON!

Phelous (vo): "Oh no, now I can't NOT use it and instead take it somewhere else you'd immediately find it!"

Scheherazade: After it! (throws Tambor)

Tambor: (squeals softly as he falls through the crack in the Earth)

Paige: Maybe there's someplace in history we can hide! There's still a little sand left...

Aladdin: No... (pours the sand out into Paige's palms) a few grains won't take us back very far.

Phelous (vo): So because they have less sand left, they can be more accurate than they have ever been with any of their jumps so far. Either that or they just decided "take us right to the magic lamp" made too much fucking sense!

(Sepia flashback for some reason.)

Past Paige: Aladdin! Do something!

Phelous (vo): Well, now it's time for the most pointless time-travel plot in this thing. And that's saying something. It also gives a great excuse to completely replay the scene we just saw but in sepia tones!

(Paige, having caught the lamp earlier, struggles to take it from Tambor's tail.)

Paige: Let go of it, you snake!

Tambor: Ooh! Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Phelous: (cringes from sheer stupidity) You ARE a snake! I shouldn't have to explain that!

Past Paige: There's still a little sand left...

Present Paige: I wish we were with Aladdin!

Past Paige: Magic sand, it's time to go!

Present Paige: Long time--

(Cue the bad ending from "Shadow of Destiny", making it look like both Paige's were in the same place at the same time.)

Homunculus: Oh, that's just wonderful... You tried to make contact with yourself, didn't you? That's a big no-no... that will erase your very existence.

(Anyway, enough about an interesting-looking old game. Back to the shitty-looking old movie!)

Aladdin: Hey, any ideas on how to kill a dinosaur, Wordsworth?

Wordsworth: Um... an ice age would do the trick.

Aladdin: I wish for a glacier!

Phelous (vo): I wish you had a reason to know what a glacier is! (the dinosaur is frozen around it's form, not in a glacier) Oh well, at least the lamp doesn't know.

Aladdin: You're history, Scheherazade!

Scheherazade: Please!! Aladdin!! Spare me!!

Phelous (vo): Yeah! Let her touch the lamp. That couldn't backfire! Well actually it isn't, because there are no brain cells to be found in either of these two. So, what's the solution? Murder her, like the Pharaoh? Nah, that's getting off easy! They're just gonna completely MIND RAPE her into a good person! I mean sure, it was TERRIBLE when she made Droopy Sultan fall in love with her, but now that it's the other way around, it's okay!

(Cut to Phelous giving an awkward thumbs-up, then slaps it away.)

Scheherazade: All the prisoners go free!

Phelous (vo): Wow. That skeleton apparently DIED in prison and now is resurrected to wander the Earth as an abomination. What a happy ending for them! And while we're on this, Scheherazade (WHOA! He said it (partially) right?!) really was the storyteller for "A Thousand and One Nights" but she told the story to a king, who was beheading a new wife he'd take every day before this, as a way to stop him. So, I guess that'd make ol' Droopy Shithead THAT KING.

Sultan: Why do you have to be so mean?

Phelous: (close up) Look into the mirror and say that, you bastard!!

Phelous (vo): Anyway, now that their mind raping and murders are over, Paige is all, "I'm gonna miss you, Aladdin" and he's all, "Hey stupid, just take off those ugly glasses and you're beautiful on the outside! The only thing that counts! Fuck seeing shit!" Paige awakens to reveal, it was all a dream?? But at least she's learned that bullies aren't so tough, if you bully them first.

Paige: Leave him alone, Metal Mouth!

Metal Mouth (Jaws (Braces boy)): (gasp) What'd you call me?

Redhead boy: (laughs hysterically) She called you "Metal Mouth"!

Paige: What are you laughing at, Freckle Face?

Phelous (vo): And she saves her little Aladdin clone.

Aladdin clone: My name's Alan.

Phelous: Shut up!

Paige: I'm Paige.

Alan: Paige? Wow. What a cool name!

Phelous (vo): It makes the background cut backwards!

Paige: Do you like to read?

Alan: I love to!

Phelous (vo): Oh good, he's an upgrade from that illiterate piece of fuck Aladdin-hole!

CD-i Link: (suddenly appears) I won!

Phelous (vo): Oh, then suddenly, Wordsworth! It wasn't a dream!

Phelous: Hur-hur-hur-hur-hur-hur... This is a pretty funny movie.

(footage of the movie plays)

Phelous (vo): This is definitely a "so bad it's good" film, just, everything is wrong in this. Well, except the voice actors. They got Jim Cummings, two of the Powerpuff Girls, had voice actors from both Disney's Aladdin and Pagemaster so it really is like the seamless combination of both!

Phelous: Nooo.

Phelous (vo): But I don't know what the hell message they're trying to tell with this! The main characters just go around trying to mold people into worse human beings than themselves, which is pretty tough when they murder with no remorse! This was apparently an experiment by Roger Corman to see how well he could produce cheap animation out of the Philippines like a bunch of his live action films. He even used one of his usual directors from there, Cirio H. Santiago. I'm sure he knew ALL ABOUT animation, just like the animation team on this, where only ONE person actually worked on ONE other thing. There's probably a reason you don't normally see animation outsourced to the Philippines, because well, the animati-- (breaks down laughing at the terrible animation of one of Blackbeard's scenes)

Phelous: Do I really need to say any more there? Think I've already worn out the "five years in the making" thing, so let me say "They're the best!" ...dammit, you know what! (picks up a gas lamp and starts rubbing it) HAHAHAHA! I wish for everyone to have to endure this film in its entirety themselves! That's the lesson I took from this movie! Do unto others before they do to you! AHAHAHAHA!!! (slowly realizing how stupid he looks) HA HA! ...Ha... (stops rubbing the GAS lamp) ...Well that didn't work. Oh pfft, wrong kind of lamp, silly me. (grabs a desk lamp and rubs it) A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Ha... Well that's slightly suggestive.

(Credits roll as "Oh Phelous 2011" plays)

Phelous: (rubs the DVD cover on his face) I'm so sorry! Let's never fight again! Hurhurhurhurhur... (stops as he comes to a realization) ...the hell am I DOING? (punches the DVD cover away)

(Sudden Patreon ad)

Phelous: Hi guys! Check out my Patreon for early midroll-free episodes, meaning no ads will play in the middle, and other perks!

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