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"Alaska"

Nc alaska by marobot-d47lhfz

Released
August 23, 2011
Running time
19: 35
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NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to. Sarah Palin is stupid! (An image of her is shown quickly) There, I got my Sarah Palin joke out of the way, let’s talk about “Alaska.”

(The title screen for “Alaska” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)

NC (voiceover): Now, I’ve been to Alaska before. It has great views, great culture and great people. But if you were to judge it by watching this movie, you’d say it had great views, phoned-in culture, and HORRIBLE people! This film would be a great promotional tool for the state if they eradicated everything breathing from it. The story’s beyond unrealistic, the characters are cartoons of…cartoons, (An image of Elmer Fudd is shown next to the movie’s character Colin Perry for comparison) it’s just an all-around mess.

NC: So let’s see what the polar icecaps have farted at us this time, this is “Alaska.”

(The movie begins)

NC (voiceover): So as the credits roll, we see a pilot flying his plane across Alaska, and you can probably tell by the music that they’re pretty desperate to make any scene sound epic and whimsical, even when nothing’s happening yet.

Charlie: (radios back to Jake Barnes, the pilot of the plane) Okey-doke, partner. This is Quincy Air Service, clear.

NC (voiceover): (sings with the musical score) Clear! You’re clear! Clear, clear, you’re clear! Clear! Cleeeeaaaaaaarrrr! (NC’s caption “Clear” appears in bold onscreen; he then speaks) Clear.

(A polar bear makes its first appearance by sliding down a snowy hill)

NC (voiceover): And of course, we get a look at our (speaks cutely in a sarcastic manner) cuddly little co-star.

Audience: AWWW!

NC: Aww, polar bears are so cute, aren’t they? Gah, the way that music makes them sound, they just seem so innocent and cuddly—

(Cut to raw footage from “National Geographic Wild” of a polar bear attacking a seal)

NC (voiceover): OH, GOD, JESUS, THEY’RE SAVAGES! OH, JESUS CHRIST, THEY’RE HORRIBLE BEINGS! WHAT DEMONIC CREATURES COULD POSSIBLY—!

(Cut back to the movie on a shot of the polar bear)

NC (voiceover): (sounds cutesy) Aww, isn’t that adorable? They just want to play in the ice. That’s the most lovey-dovey—

(Cut back to the “National Geographic Wild” raw footage of a wild polar bear now attacking a walrus)

NC (voiceover): OH, LORD OF ALL, THEY’RE KILLERS! PSYCHOTIC KILLERS! THEY’LL STOP AT NOTHING UNTIL THEY EAT YOUR—!

(Cut back to the movie’s polar bear)

NC (voiceover): (sounds cutesy) OOH, look at the poochy woochy widdle goochy—

(Cut now to raw footage from “National Geographic Wild” of a polar bear at a zoo attacking a woman through the bars)

NC (Voiceover): OHH, MARY!!

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): But it turns out the nasty EVIL poacher wants to hunt (speaks cutely) the adorable cuddly little— (Cut back to the same raw footage of a zoo polar bear attacking a woman through the bars) AHH! (Back to the movie) He’s played by Charlton “Nope I’m Not Making a ‘Planet of the Apes’ Joke In This Review” Heston.

Colin Perry (Heston): (while aiming a rifle at a polar bear) Magnificent creature, the polar bear. Nature’s perfect carnivore, adapted to the most hostile climate on earth.

NC (voiceover): Oh, boy, (sighs) looks like we have another killer slash poet on our hands. These are the a-holes that can never just pull the trigger. They always just have to make a great big speech before they do anything. Yeah, he probably talks this way while looking through the adult section at a video store.

NC: (as Colin Perry, he looks at a cover for a fake porno DVD, which is shown briefly) Magnificent film, “Booby Slut Whores 28,” adapted to even the most hostile perverted wrinkle bags like myself. I’ll pay you with credit. (He puts down the DVD box to hold up a credit card before he looks at it to admire it) Magnificent card, the VISA platinum card!

Koontz (Perry’s partner): It feels like 10 or 20 grand just for the skin. I love this kind of hunt.

Perry: Your problem, Mr. Koontz, is that you don’t appreciate the finer things in life.

NC (voiceover): That’s true. He doesn’t appreciate the finer things in life, like killing a chunk of those finer things in life!

(Perry fires his rifle before the screen flashes white and the film dissolves to another scene)

NC (voiceover): So the mother is shot and the baby is kidnapped while we cut to one of our main characters of the film named Jessie, played by Thora Birch.

(Jessie and her friend Chip are walking on a fisherman’s wharf together)

Jessie: (looks at her watch) Oh, my God, I’m late! (She starts running)

Chip: Late for what?

Jessie: (quickly greets two people as she runs past them) Hi, Mrs. Ben! Hey, Ben! (While running, she accidentally knocks down a wheelbarrow full of fish a fisherman is hauling and continues running)

Fisherman: Hey! Watch it, Jessie!

Jessie: Sorry!

Ben: That girl’s always in a hurry. (He laughs to himself)

NC: (as Ben, chuckles) I’ve heard of dumber things to find whimsical.

NC (voiceover): She communicates often with her father the pilot, but sadly, her brother Sean is not quite as into the Alaskan spirit.

Jake Barnes: Is your brother helping like I asked him to?

Jessie: That’s a big negative there, Tango.

Jake: Well, where is he?

Jessie: You know, just being that…Alaskan mountain man we know and love.

(Cut to Sean playing the video game “Street Fighter: The Movie”)

NC (voiceover): WOW. Who went down on who to get this game in this movie? I mean, this game wasn’t even popular when…

NC: (looks away to think for a moment) …ever!

NC (voiceover): So he (Sean) hangs out in a store with the owner and his pet eagle where he often asks if there’s any messages from his old home in Chicago.

Sean: Uh, can you just sort out any mail from Chicago?

Ben: He was there, you know. Great fires of 1935, up the Yukon River.

NC: (as Sean) Just asking for the mail. I…

Ben: I was a very young man, hunting alone. The forest fire jumped a ridge.

NC: (as Sean) I see a…letter from Des Plaines there…

Ben: Then I looked up, and through the smoke I saw an eagle.

NC: (as Sean) Does he deliver mail faster than you?

Ben: Something said to me, “Trust the eagle.” It flew through the smoke and I followed.

NC: (as Sean) You know what the eagle is also the symbol of? The post office. GIVE ME MY MAIL, YOU FUCKING OLD MAN!

Ben: I just kept looking at the eagle…’til the sky cleared and the fire was behind me. (to his pet eagle) And I thought you were my tornak.

Sean: Tornak?

Ben: My spirit guide.

NC: (as Sean) Yeah, well, my tornak is my fist. (He holds up a fist) And it’s telling me to collide very harshly with your face. GIVE ME MY MAIL!

Sean: Look, do you have any mail for me or not?

Ben: Sorry, son. Not today.

(NC flips off at the camera while his fist is still held up)

(Sean leaves the store)

NC (voiceover): (as Ben) But would you like to hear how my hamster is my spiritual financial advisor?

NC (voiceover): (normal) So Sean is bummed out because not only does he miss Chicago, but he misses the fact that his mother died due to…

NC: …I don’t know. Pick one. (A listing of possible causes of death appears on-screen in the following order: “Illness-Hanging-Shot-Poisoned-Broken Heart-Stabbed-Fell Off Cliff-Car Crash-Electrocuted-Drowning-Beheaded-Beaten to Death Over a Stamp-Executed by Columbian Drug Lords-Impaled-Iron Maiden-Sawed in Half-Eaten By Polar Bear”)

(Cut to Jake, Jessie and Sean having dinner together)

Jake: I got you guys something up in Nome. (He hands to each of his children a small gift)

Jessie: (admires her small wooden bird) Thanks, Dad.

Sean: (isn’t very enthusiastic) Gee, thanks, Dad. A compass. What am I supposed to do with a compass?

Jessie: Chip and I went sea kayaking nearly eight miles up the coast today.

Sean: Excuse me while I call CNN.

NC (voiceover): Oh, and by the way, he’s a dick in this movie!

Sean: Maybe I’ll buy myself a one-way ticket back to Chicago.

Jake: I don’t have time for this now, Sean.

Sean: Mom would’ve had time! None of this would have happened if she was still here, none of this!

Jake: Sean…she’s not here.

Sean: Yeah? Well, I wish you would’ve died and not her. (He enters his room and slams the door)

NC (voiceover): Okay, this shit really pisses me off. Losing a parent is a serious thing—before Disney turned it into a common fad (A Photoshopped image of a hole in the ground with a sign saying “DUMP dead Disney parents HERE” pointing down into it is shown)—but even then, they at least tried to play to how hard it can be in a semi-plausible manner. Here, it’s just a means to an end; a plot device, and it’s way too rushed and way too over the top. We just find out in this scene that their mom is dead, and that’s the line that follows our discovery of it. There’s no lead-up, no segue, no trying to understand what he’s going through, just the line:

Sean: Well, I wish you would’ve died and not her.

NC (voiceover): Aaaaand I hope you choke on your testicles, you little prickhorse! Yeah, I hate him, and there’s no way you can make me like him! I don’t care if he cures cancer, I’m still not gonna enjoy his character! That was so mean-spirited and so out of nowhere that I hope he just spontaneously combusts when he goes into that room!

Sean: Well, I wish you would’ve died and not her. (When he slams his door, NC adds in the sound of an explosion)

NC: (makes a sign of the cross on himself) And nobody will miss him! Next!

NC (voiceover): But, oh wait, just when you think this movie—this FAMILY movie, mind you—couldn’t possibly get any more mean-spirited, take a look at what the poachers are doing with the mother and son.

(The poachers have landed their helicopter somewhere in the wilderness; while the cub is caged up, Koontz brings out the skin of the mother (with the head intact))

NC (voiceover): Oh, JESUS!

Koontz: (shows the mother’s face to the cub) There you go. (The cub tries to rub noses with the mother’s nose) Yeah. (NC looks very shocked at this) Alright, alright. What a cutie, huh? (to Perry) It’s a shame to separate a mother and child, isn’t it?

NC: (stutters in disbelief a little as he speaks) Oh, God, I’m sorry, I-ge-THAT IS BEYOND SICK! I MEAN, THAT IS FUCKING DEMENTED!

NC (voiceover): That is sick! That is just so fucking sick! It’s like doing a funny little puppet show at your great aunt’s funeral! (A Photoshopped image of a guy using a dead aunt as a puppet at a funeral is shown briefly) WITH YOUR GREAT AUNT! I mean, for God’s sake, that’s the mother’s corpse. Not even a corpse; the SKIN of the corpse with the head still attached!

NC: You know, there’s being mean in a movie, and then there’s being the devil. This is being…the Devil’s devil. (A Photoshopped image of a devil alongside an even bigger Devil is shown) The devil the Devil goes to when the Devil’s not being devilish enough! What’s this rated? (NC is about to do a close-up on the movie’s rating on the movie poster) Doesn’t matter. SHOULDN’T BE VIEWED BY ANYBODY!

NC (voiceover): (sighs) So the son gets half of his wish to come true as the father disappears in a plane crash, but then he discovers maybe wishing death to those who gave him life wasn’t such a nice thing to do. So he bugs the police endlessly until they track him down.

Charlie: (flies a search helicopter and radios back) Nothing but rocks and stone on Devil’s Thumb.

Sean: He has to be out there! They’re just not looking hard enough!

Police Chief: (radios back to his men) Why don’t you guys take another pass to be sure?

Charlie: We’re getting low on fuel, but we’ll give it another look.

Police Chief: (to Sean) We’ve made three trips up there. And you saw that storm.

(The search helicopter flies past Devil’s Thumb, to which the camera reveals the crash site of Jake’s plane)

NC (voiceover): OH, COME ON! Are you seriously telling me they can’t see that?! You’re honestly saying that the rescue crew—the people who specialize in doing this—can’t see a banana-colored plane on the edge of a mountain ON THEIR THIRD TIME AROUND? Look at this, they’re practically in the same frame. THE SAME FRAME! Just turn your heads to the fucking right, AND YOU’LL SEE THE GODDAMN THING!! Well, hell, the guy has flares; that should get their attention, right?

(Jake fires his flare into the air, yet the helicopter doesn’t see it)

NC (voiceover): Oh, fuck you, movie! Fuck you! I’ve seen better eyesight on Mr. Magoo’s vision test! (A Photoshopped image of Mr. Magoo reading an eye chart in an optometrist’s office is shown) What the hell’s wrong with these people? This is the worst rescue ever! Imagine if these idiots actually went on foot! Can you see how well THAT would go?

(Cut to a scenario of NC as Frank, a member of a search party, walking in front of a screenshot of Jake’s plane clearly seen resting on the edge of a mountain)

Henry: (calls off-screen) Can you see anything, Frank?

Frank: Nope. Nothing but sky and mountains as far as the eye can see.

Henry: (calls off-screen) What if you turn your head around?

Frank: (scoffs) I’m not gonna do something STUPID like that, Henry!

Henry: (speaks off-screen) Okay, we best head back.

(In the movie, Jake is seen trying to free one of his trapped legs, but he ends up breaking it and screams in pain; Back to the scenario, Frank leaves camera left)

Henry: Hey, you hear something?

Frank: What, you mean that blood-curdling scream?

Henry: Yeah.

Frank: No.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): So after the rescue team says, (speaks in a dumb voice) “DUH, WE NO SEE YOUR DADDY!” (speaks normally) Sean decides he’s gonna go up into the mountains himself and find out where he is. But Jessie brings up a very good point that he doesn’t know anything about mountain climbing at all, because he is a complete dumbass.

Jessie: Well, this is stuff which might actually be useful in trying to find Dad, like a map.

Jessie: What are you gonna do? Swim to Devil’s Thumb?

Sean: You got a better idea?

Jessie: Of course I do.

NC (voiceover): Oh, you mean like go to an adult? Get a climbing team to assist you? Go by your fucking stupid little selves like it’s a goddamn camping trip? (The latter is what Jessie and Sean do) Oh, yeah, this was obviously the logical choice. It wasn’t even a big thing! It took them, like, a minute to come to this life-threatening conclusion that could doom them forever! But hey, on the bright side, maybe we can finally see some interaction between these two. After all, they are brother and sister, and they barely said a word to each other since the movie started—

(Jessie and Sean are seen trying to kayak through raging rapids)

Jessie: Here comes a big wave!

NC (voiceover): OR they just battle big waves! Yeah, don’t develop any character-building relationships or anything! “Alaska” wants to encourage people to go kayaking!

(Cut to Jessie and Sean having survived the rapids and have reached shore)

Sean: We’re gonna freeze to death.

Jessie: So what’s the big deal? We’ll make a fire.

Sean: Good, I hope you brought the matches.

Jessie: I can’t believe you’re dumb enough to forget the matches!

NC: It’s almost as if this was a brain-numbingly stupid idea!

NC (voiceover): But what a coincidence, they just happen to come across the camping ground of the poachers, as well as the trapped baby polar bear.

Jessie: We can’t just leave her here. That’s her mother hanging back there.

NC (voiceover): So they let her go and keep heading on their way, which makes BIG BAD HESTON MAD!

Perry: (to Koontz) I don’t think you understand me. Let me be clear. I’m accustomed to getting what I want. (growls in his voice) I want that bear!

NC: Yes, just like Officer Javert in “Les Miserables,” Lieutenant Gerard from “The Fugitive,” or Captain Ahab from “Moby Dick.” (Images of said characters are shown briefly)

NC (voiceover): Charlton Heston is obsessed with capturing a cute cuddly little polar bear. And his character is so deep and so complex that I can talk for HOURS about why he obsesses over his capture.

NC: (starts to point to the camera) Because…he can say the word “bear” really cool.

Perry: (growls in his speech) Bear!

NC: (mocks Perry) Bear! (An image of a polar bear cub appears below him as a dramatic music chord plays and lightning strikes)

NC (voiceover): But the (speaks like Perry) BEAR (normal) seems to be following the kids, and disappointingly, it’s not out to eat them. But then Heston comes along, and the bear—for being a little baby—really seems to know how to stand still and be quiet when the villains are around.

Koontz: (picks up a frying pan that has animal teeth marks on it) My, my, Grandma. What big teeth you got.

Perry: (to the kids) Your dog?

Sean: A bear bit it.

Perry: A bear.

NC: (mocks Perry) Bear! (An image of a polar bear cub appears below him as a dramatic music chord plays and lightning strikes)

Sean: Right before my dad shot him.

Koontz: He shot a bear for biting his pan?

Sean: For interrupting his dinner.

NC (voiceover): So while they don’t necessarily believe the kid’s story, they also don’t believe that they’re stealing a (speaks like Perry) BEAR (normal) for themselves, either, so they decide to leave them alone.

(A faraway rotating shot of Jessie and Sean hiking up a mountain with a choir humming in the background is shown)

NC (voiceover): But then when they (the poachers) discover that the bear is following them (the kids), they decide it might not be good to let on that they know where they’re heading: to the authorities.

Rescue Crew Member: (to the poachers) I’m looking for a couple of kids, a boy and girl, who may have headed out this way. (He hands them a photo of Jessie and Sean) Have you seen them?

Perry: (examines the photo) They were brought up on MTV and video games. They know nothing of the real world. They can’t conceive of the true brutality of nature.

NC (voiceover): So is that a “No” or what? You didn’t even answer his question. Does he have to describe everything he sees with a poetic edge? He’d be great for selling products on TV, wouldn’t he?

NC: (dresses like Perry and imitates him as a commercial spokesperson while holding a box of Golden Crisp in front of a mountain scene) With the color the same of a golden sunrise, Golden Crisp gives you that satisfying taste that only God’s good pure Earth can give you! Plus, it’s represented by…a BEAR! (An image of a polar bear cub appears to his right as a dramatic music chord plays and lightning strikes)

NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the two kids continue to travel up the mountain. Oh, please, tell me this results in another spinning shot with a choir thrown in for no reason. (Such a scene is shown)

NC: (acts giddy) SQUEEEEE!!!

NC (voiceover): But then Sean falls down the mountain and bumps his head on a rock, resulting in a half-ass dream sequence.

(In the dream sequence, a tribal hunter (who looks like Ben) is out to hunt a polar bear with a spear (NC puts in the logo for Calvin Klein on the bottom right corner briefly))

Hunter: (points to the polar bear) Tornak.

NC (voiceover): So it turns out the (speaks like Perry) BEAR (normal) is his tornak, which makes no sense, seeing how JESSIE is more trained in the ways of staying alive in the wilderness, so clearly, SHE should be given the cool pet spiritual guide, but whatever.

Jessie: (referring to when the polar bear cub was sniffing at Sean’s head earlier) I thought she was…gonna…

Sean: What? Take a bite out of me? It’s not a she, anyhow. It’s a he. Trust me. I got a very good look.

NC: (looks quite surprised, then imitates Perry) The only thing more dangerous than hunting BEARS is hunting…BEAR BALLS. (A Photoshopped image of a bear juggling two balls appears to his right as a dramatic music chord plays and lightning strikes)

NC (voiceover): Yeah, I don’t know exactly where the “good look at bear balls” scene was, but, uh…I’m glad I missed it. So while the dad I’m sure is becoming a permanent part of the Alaskan tour…

(Cut to a fake scenario of a motor coach passing by the plane crash)

NC (voiceover): (as a tour guide) And to your right is a rotting corpse.

(Back to the movie)

NC (voiceover): …the kids go rowing through the rapids again—because, you know, we haven’t seen that yet—and Sean ends up almost drowning.

(Sean struggles to swim, but then a hand is lent out for him to grab, and we see that it’s Ben)

NC (voiceover): BUT amazing coincidence #2, they come across the store owner and his son. And it turns out the owner is actually cool with them risking their lives like morons.

Sean: We can’t go back.

Ben’s Son: You kids have no appreciation for this country.

Ben: That’s why they need to go. In my father’s time, a young man had to hunt a bear with only a spear in his hand, and so take on a bear’s power. Or die trying.

NC: Yeah, it’s the DIE TRYING part that causes concern!

Ben: These two are on a spirit journey. They’ve gone too far. It’d be wrong for us to stop them now.

NC (voiceover): Wow, that…”spirit journey” stuff really seems to let a lot fly with this guy, doesn’t it?

(Cut to a scenario with NC (as a father) looking at a few papers)

Son: (voice only) Dad, I’m off to put feces in the brownie sundae of the teacher I don’t like!

NC Dad: Well, I don’t know if I approve of that…

Son: Spirit journey!

NC Dad: Oh, okay.

(Back to the movie)

Ben’s Son: Are you finished, Dad? Their spirit journey has come to an end. This is the ‘90s, old man. We head home first thing in the morning.

NC (voiceover): Again, don’t you just love the realistic father/son talks in this movie? God, you can just feel the connection like they’ve known each other for years. “This is the ‘90s, old man.” I remember the last time I said that to my dad.

NC: (is a bit despondent) …It really was the last time.

NC (voiceover): But the store owner’s grandson (Chip) decides to help them out, anyway, because they seem too passionate about their journey. Yeah, they’re so passionate about it. How come they didn’t sneak out in the middle of the night while nobody was looking?

Ben: There’s a white bear over there staring at you. I’d say he’s…looking out for you. Some things, Sean, you can only see by opening your heart.

NC (voiceover): By the way, I find it hard to believe that the father isn’t woken up by all this.

NC: (as Chip’s father, wakes up by the sound of the polar bear) Huh? Wha?

Jessie: (audio) Cubby! You made it!

NC: (as Chip’s father, yawns and pretends to try and look for the snooze button on his alarm) Snooze, snooze. (He goes back to sleep)

Sean: (audio) I’d say he’s looking out for food.

(Sean and Jessie start to leave in continuing their journey)

Ben: Sean! (Sean and Jessie turn around to look at him) Trust the bear.

NC (Voiceover): So despite the fact that everything points to going one direction, Sean decides he wants to go another. Why??

Sean: We have to trust the bear.

NC (voiceover): That’s right. We need to trust the bear. Trust it to lead RIGHT to the bad guys, get shot by a dart, and get carried away so you can’t follow it any longer. Your spirit journey’s taking a bit of a rocky detour, isn’t it?

Perry: Have a nice hike!

Darkheart (from Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation): (audio) Time for a game of disappearing bears.

(In the poacher’s helicopter, the polar bear cub awakens to bite at Perry)

Perry: (to Koontz) Set it down!

NC (voiceover): But the bear starts to wake up and begins fighting them off, which leads to a pretty humorous way in how these guys get beaten. Just when the bear’s about to be shot, he bites the knee (on Perry), which forces him to shoot the guy (Koontz), which forces him to shoot the helicopter, which forces the controls to explode, (Photos of a cat, a mouse, a suspending house, and the Joker (from Tim Burton’s “Batman”) are shown in order as NC speaks) that worried the cat, who ate the rat, that lived in the house that Jack built!

NC: Now give kudos, that’s a funny way to go.

(The polar bear runs off into the wilderness)

Perry: Damn it!

NC (voiceover): (as Perry) D’oh, I shot myself in the foot like a Michael Moore interview.

(Cut to Sean calling out for Jake)

Sean: DAD!

(Jake fires another flare from the plane)

Sean: (to Jessie) He’s alive!

Jessie: Dad!

NC (voiceover): So the kids finally find the father and attempt to pull him up. Unfortunately, though, him and Sean are too heavy for Jessie to hold onto. What are they possibly gonna do??

Jessie: I can’t hold!

(Cut to the polar bear helping Jessie out by using his teeth to pull on the end of the rope)

NC (voiceover): OH, BULLSHIT! OH, COME ON, YOU—NO! No! Doesn’t happen! That—I—No!

Jessie: Sean! Climb up!

NC (voiceover): He’s not even pulling the rope! He’s just playing with it! The fucking load!

(After pulling Jake to safety, the rescue helicopter flies by, and all three try to get its attention)

Charlie: You guys ain’t gonna believe this.

(Cut to the police station with the chief and other workers listening in)

Charlie: (on the radio) It’s them! Jake and the kids! Sean and Jessie found him! They rescued him!

NC (voiceover): Yeah, okay, I think we all know the news story’s gonna read the next day: “Professional rescue team searches THREE times in helicopter, and doesn’t find giant yellow-colored plane. Two little kids on foot go…once and find him without ANY aviation help whatsoever!”

NC: I don’t think Alaskan authority looks good in this movie.

(Clips from the movie play again as NC speaks)

NC (voiceover): So that’s “Alaska,” and boy, is it a real piece of work. The plot is outlandish, the kids would have been bear chow in seconds, the gun-toting maniac plays the gun-toting maniac, but worst of all, it’s the lack of any interesting interaction that really sinks it. Maybe if it was just about a family in Alaska dealing with the loss of their mother while traveling in the mountains, that would have been fine. That actually would have been interesting if it was done right. But they make no attempts to have these people talk to each other like they’re family at all. The brother and sister almost never speak, the mean-spirited boy is just way too rotten, the father is forgettably bland, and they never take the time to show how what they’re going through is affecting them. It’s just set up for standard boring action scenes. Yeah, Alaska looks nice, but it’s not worth sitting through this rotten story to see it.

NC: All I gotta say is (speaks like Perry) I want that bear… (An image of a polar bear cub appears below him as a dramatic music chord plays and lightning strikes; he resumes speaking normally) …to do this to this movie!

(Cut to raw footage from “National Geographic Wild” of a wild polar bear attacking a walrus)

NC (voiceover): OH, MARY!!!

NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! (He gets up to leave)

THE END

Channel Awesome Tagline—Perry: I want that bear!

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