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Announcer:

And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Disney's Alice in Wonderland."


Chester:

OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!

(singing) I'm late! I'm late! For a very important spoilers!

I asked them what movie I was going to see today, and they were like "Disney's Alice in Wonderland."

And I'm like "Oh boy! I love that cartoon! With the little girl who walks around, all those weird things are flying out at her?"

That's my world 24/7!

So, I sit down and I'm really excited to see this movie.

And I'm like "Where's the little girl?" and the movie's like "She's the 19 year old over there."

...That's not very little.

And then I'm like "Where's Wonderland?" and they're like "Oh, it's not Wonderland anymore. It's Underland."

Sounds like a Fruit of the Loom product.

And I'm like "Where's all the crazy characters and that innocent storyline?"

And the movie says "They're part of an underground resistance 'cause everything is taken over and there's a lot of action scenes..."

...When did Wonderland turn into Narnia?!

Wonderland isn't supposed to have a logical, action-packed plot! It's Wonderland!

The biggest concern is whether or not the mouse in the teapot has jelly on his nose!

A concern I worry about every day.

But it does have all the weird, zany stuff that's flying out at you!

You've got the smiling cat, big-headed queen, Tweedledee and Tweedledum...who look like Pugsly Addams if he was a skinhead.

And crazy animals that can talk all the time!

It was the most realistic movie I've ever seen in my life.

Probably not the most realistic you've ever seen, but you're not on drugs!

So, Alice goes to the Mad Hatter, who's part of an underground resistance.

And...looks like the Joker if he worked at TGI Fridays.

And he's like "The only way to stop the queen is for you to destroy the Jabberwocky!"

"But why?"

"Because this magical piece of toilet paper says you do!"

HOORAY!

See, that's why the Red Queen took over everything, 'cause she had a monster by her side!

And a bunch of...playing cards.

...Really? That's it?

I mean, the other side has a cat that can disappear, fly and shapeshift.

Couldn't he just sneak up behind the queen and be like (makes slicing motion), end of story?

And what about those cakes that turn you into giants?

Couldn't they just gather all the citizens around and be like (pretends to hand out cakes) "We're taking down the queen. Just eat some of these."

(Makes eating motion and pretends to grow large, then points) Look out! Giant! (squashes)

Bang! No more queen! That wasn't so hard!

But nope! Only Alice can destroy the Jabberwocky as she gets on her armor and looks like Joan of Noah's Ark!

Oh, what's she gonna do? Use her cunning knowledge or their backward ways of defeating them?

Nooo.

She cuts his head off and kicks it down the stairs!

You know, for kids!

So, everybody is happy because the White Queen is put back in power again.

Whities, pfft! Always seizing power and control, trying to keep the red folk down!

And the Mad Hatter is so happy about this turn of events that he actually does a breakdance! (dances)

I didn't know they had breakdancing in Wonderland!

They must be like Japan! They steal all our style after we steal their technology...

Fair trade.

So, I really like this movie, even though they put a story in a story that shouldn't have a story.

But it had weird things flying at me, and that's all I needed!

Well, that and maybe breakdancing lessons! (dances)

Go Hatter! Go Hatter! It's your unbirthday! It's your unbirthday!

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!

Hey, wasn't there a video game based on this idea? It was done by a guy named American McGees?

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