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Alien vs. Predator

Ev29V06-300x160

Released
June 6, 2017
Running time
25:09
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(After the NC2017 opening, we cut to three people framed in shadow walking towards the camera)

NC (vo): (narrating) There's a cinematic battle that's been waging for years. (Another group of three people walk towards the camera before the next shot has both groups stop before each other) Two opposing sides that seem eerily similar, yet drastically different. They will not stop until they are victorious...or...get bored. It's been happening right under our noses for years and most important to know...

(We cut to the Nostalgia Critic at his table)

NC: (pointing to his head and still talking in a narration voice) It's all happening right up here. I'm, of course, talking about the battle between the jock side of your brain... (The Jock Side is introduced with rock music with Jim Jarosz, Doug Walker and Tamara Chambers in t-shirts and baseball caps, with Doug wearing sunglasses) and the intellectual side of your brain. (The Intellectual Side is introduced with piano music with Jim, Doug and Tamara in nice suits, with Doug smoking a pipe)

NC: (normal voice) They're constantly in battle, even if you're not aware of it. Often times, they disagree.

Jock Jim: Fast and the Furious 27 was amazing!

Jocks: Yeah!

Jock Jim: I liked the part where all the awesome shit happened.

Jock Doug: Oh, so all of it!

Jocks: Yeah!

Smart Tamara: Once again, the story and characters make absolutely no sense, and it was just an excuse for pointless stunts.

Jock Doug: You shut your ass!

Jock Jim: Yeah, don't make me throw her at you!

Jock Tamara: Yeah, I hurt!

NC: Sometimes, they get along.

Smart Jim: Captain America: Civil War had depth, insight and conflict.

Jock Doug: Yeah, and Spider-Man!

Jocks: Yeah!

Smart Jim: Yeah, and Spider-Man.

NC: But every once in a while, they get that movie which neither side knows what to think.

(And indeed, both sides are unsure of what to say)

NC (vo): Is it too dumb? Not dumb enough? Trying too hard? Not even trying?

NC: One of those films is Alien vs. Predator.

(We are shown the title for the movie, before going to clips)

NC (vo): Based off the Alien movie series and the Predator movie series, this idea surprisingly had been buzzing around for a while. When Predator 2 showed the head of an alien mounted, fans immediately started to speculate about what a crossover would be like. There were (pictures of...) fanarts, comics, even video games.

NC: (in a demanding tone) Hey, if that's the case, (The picture of SEGA video game RoboCop Versus The Terminator is shown) where's my Terminator vs. RoboCop- (feels uneasy) Actually, don't do that. (The pictures of the title characters from RoboCop (2014) and Terminator Genisys are followed)

NC (vo): Finally, in 2004, after the success of Freddy vs. Jason, we got our cross-horror-over. While certainly nobody sees it as the best Alien or Predator movie, the reaction still seemed to be all over the map. Some love it, some hate it, some say it's just good enough, others say it's just bad enough. Now, I'll admit I was a little concerned when I saw it was directed by (picture of...) Paul W.S. Anderson.

NC: You know, the guy whose movies' range is from (shrugs) "eh" (The poster for Death Race is shown) to (in disgust) "EEEEH!" (The poster for Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is shown next)

NC (vo): This poor dude can never get an R rating (The poster for the movie Mortal Kombat is shown) when he needs it the most. And even when he does, (The poster for Event Horizon is followed next) it gets trimmed out because it was too R for an R rating! Or...so fake, that's pretty much just a PG-13 in disguise. (A clip from Resident Evil: Extinction is shown)

(We cut back to the opposing sides of NC's brain)

Jock Tamara: Exactly! The Alien vs. Predator movie that's PG-13, that's-a bullshiiit!

Smart Jim: But it does try and build character and suspense, like the other movies.

Smart Doug: Yes, that's just what goes into all that pointless fighting that becomes (spits) pedestrian.

Jock Jim: You kidding me? That's all the best stuff in the movie!

NC: You see? It's surprisingly hard to get a grasp on it. Unlike the new Alien movies, (The poster for Alien: Covenant is shown) which everyone can, strangely enough, agree to disagree.

Smart Tamara: Oh, yes. Those movies are beyond tired and predictable. Why are they still making those?

Jock Doug: Actually, we think those movies are okay. (Jock Jim and Jock Tamara nod in agreement) But why are they still making those? (Jock Jim and Jock Tamara shrug)

NC: So, let's see which side of your brain you end up agreeing with. This is Alien vs. Predator.

(The title of the movie is shown once more)

NC (vo): We open with the sound many people make while watching this movie...

NC: Ugh. Pfft!

(The satellite floats closer to Earth as the caption "October 3rd 2004. Low Earth Orbit. Weyland Corporation Satellite PS12" is shown)

NC (vo): ...as part of the course, we see this Alien movie takes place in the future of...2004?

NC: (smiling) Insert immediate confusion. (A claw rises from above, takes off NC's head, and the word "CONFUSION" is put there instead) Done.

NC (vo): Yeah, it's never really explained why this takes place during present day, especially when in the Alien movies, they make it clear Ripley's team are the first humans to encounter them.

(The clip from Aliens (1986) is shown)

ECA Rep (Valerie Cogan): ...found something never recorded once in over 300 surveyed worlds.

NC (vo): It's been said, though, that this movie is not canon to either film series, which I guess is fine. It looks like they just want to throw in some badass fighting without confusing people with continuity- (Charles Bishop Weyland, the founder of the corporation, is shown) Oh, look! Lance Henriksen is playing Charles Bishop Weyland, who runs a company that builds robots that look just like him in the future, but dies in this movie!

(Three more "CONFUSIONS" are put in NC's head)

NC (vo, sighs): Okay, so this current reality will make about as much sense as...our current reality, (The picture of Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart with green Christmas brownies is shown briefly) so let's just get to the cool cliches we all secretly kind of love.

(The main character, Alexa Woods, played by Sanaa Lathan, is shown climbing a Lho La icefall in Nepal)

NC (vo): Like the introduction of our lead Alexa, who we know is badass because she's introduced in the ultimate badass-cliched introduction of climbing a mountain. (Three clips of the movies where the main characters are climbing a mountain are shown on the left. The movies are Mission: Impossible 2, Cliffhanger (1993), and Star Trek V: The Final Frontier) Yeah, that immediately shows you're tough when you show that's what you do in your off time.

NC: (chuckles) No, really, it's not a big deal. I just do this for fun. Look, (takes out a small mountain) I carry mountains in my pocket!

NC (vo): It's so not a big deal that she can even take a phone call, asking her to go on an expedition.

(Max Stafford, Weyland's assistant, calls Alexa while she is climbing)

Stafford (Colin Salmon): (on the phone) He's [Mr. Weyland] offered to fund your foundation with which you are associated for a full year, if you'll meet with him.

(It is revealed that Stafford is already at the top, having arrived there in a helicopter)

NC (vo): But that is so not a big deal to the people on the other end, because they're already at the top of the mountain, waiting for her.

NC: All these big, cool things are so not being cool things to them that they don't even question the plausibility of them!

NC (vo): We're just gonna sneak a helicopter on top of a mountain silently so that the climber never notices. There's really no reason, it'll just be an awesome reveal.

NC: Like I said, no big deal, (folds his arms) 'cause we're badass.

(We cut to Teotihuacan in Mexico, where people rush to see the discovery of an archaeologist Sebastian De Rosa, played by Raoul Bova)

NC (vo): Meanwhile in Mexico, everyone gathers around an archaeologist* who hasn't found anything yet to discover he hasn't found anything yet.

  • Note: Sebastian is Italian, not Mexican

(Upon seeing that Sebastian found only an old Pepsi-Cola cap, people's excitement stops. Sebastian just shrugs and scoffs)

NC: (pointing at the camera) Hey, one of these days, that's gonna lead to world peace. (The picture of Kendall Jenner in a Pepsi commercial, where she joined a protest and offered soda to a police officer, is shown on the right)

NC (vo): But Weyland Industries is so impressed with his ability to do his job poorly that he is flown out to the same mission as Alexa, as well as Alan Simon Pegg Cumming here.

(Graeme Miller, the team's chemical engineer, who is speaking with a British accent, is shown with his camera)

Graeme (Ewen Bremmer): I'm documenting the trip for my boys. This is them. (points to a taken photo in the camera) Jacob and Scotty.

NC: (as Graeme, pretends to be holding a camera) They especially love how not dead I am. Yep, I guess you could say that's my character: having a family and not being dead. (folds arms) I sense a long future for me!

NC (vo): They all meet up at Weyland Industries, where Mr. Weyland explains their mission (confused) several feet above them from behind. That's...kind of douchey.

Weyland: Seven days ago, one of my satellites over Antarctica hunting for mineral deposits...

(NC is shown as if looking at Weyland above, with his chair's back turned to the camera)

Weyland (audio): ...discovered a sudden heat bloom beneath the Earth.

NC: (as one of the team members) Sh- Should we turn our chairs around?

Weyland: The red lines indicate solid walls. Through thermal mapping...

(Cut back to NC in the same position)

Weyland (audio): ...we've generated a three-dimensional image of the structure.

NC: (as one of the members, pointing at the wall) Stage right over there. And our necks are starting to hurt.

Weyland: One expert tells me this has features reminiscent of the Aztecs.

NC: (as one of the members) You don't need the microphone. There's, like, 15 of us. (raises voice) How are you gonna plan a dangerous expedition?! You can't even plan talking to a small group of people!

Weyland: My experts tell me it's a pyramid.

NC: (as Weyland) Mostly because it's shaped like a pyramid. My pyramid experts told me that!

NC (vo): Naturally, a disturbance has occurred in the Arctic that Weyland wants looked at right away. But Alexa thinks they don't have enough time to do it right and walks out.

Alexa: (leaving the meeting) Find another guide.

NC (vo): No, really, guys, she's tots not going. We shot all this footage of her just so she could come in and say no! (Cut to Alexa, Sebastian and Graeme standing outside, with no visible breath coming out of their mouths) She's so angry, she's not even gonna show her breath in freezing cold weather.

Alexa: It's the one place left in the world that no one owns.

Graeme: Come on, don't make me pull out pictures of my kids again.

NC: (as Graeme) In case you forgot, kids and not being dead. (looks up, smiling widely) That's whatever my name is!

Sebastian: Do we stand a better chance of surviving with you, or with the number-two choice?

NC: (as Sebastian) I mean, we saw how you treat your own offspring. (The clip from Blade is shown, with the title character's mother Vanessa, played by Lathan, watching her son being attacked) Clearly, you're a tough bitch.

NC (vo): She, of course, eventually agrees, and they get ready to head out.

Alexa: I'm laying down three simple rules. One: no one goes anywhere alone. Two: everyone must maintain constant communication.

NC: (as Alexa, sternly) Three: if this is your first night, you have to fight.

(Alexa sees that another team member, Adele Rousseau, played by Agathe de La Boulaye, has taken a gun)

Adele: I'd rather have one and not need it than need it and not have one. I'm glad that you decided to stay.

NC: (as Alexa) You, too, future corpse with no identity...

NC (vo, still as Alexa): ...I'm just calling (The pictures of Jane Lynch and Edward Cullen from Twilight are shown) Jane Lynch Cullen.

(The team arrives at Antarctica, where they see an abandoned whaling station. We go back to the intellectuals and jocks talking with each other)

Smart Jim: Now, you do have to hand it to Mr. Anderson for trying to establish mood...

Smart Jim (vo): ...through beautiful cinematography.

Smart Tamara: As well as characters you surprisingly don't want to see their necks broken in the sequel. (A clip of Johnny Cage from Mortal Kombat falling off a boat is shown)

Jock Doug: Yeah, but where are the Aliens vs. Predators?

(A Predator is shown watching the team explore the station through a hologram)

Jock Jim (vo): Yeah, every once in a while, it shows them (the Predators) watching, but for the longest time, they don't do anything.

Jock Tamara: Yeah, we can do that.

Jock Doug: We are doing that!

Jock Jim: You make a movie about us.

(An image of various characters from Aliens is shown)

NC (vo): It's true the movie does take a while to get going, but in the first two films, we had characters we enjoyed hanging with. They seem real as well as likeable. Here, Alexa is pretty cool and even exchanges a nice conversation with Henriksen...

Weyland: You think that's the last thing your dad remembers? The pain? Ordering champagne with his daughter 14,000 feet in the air?

NC: But everyone else is just accents.

(Many of the film's supporting characters are shown)

NC (vo): Oh, I sure hope Mexican Accent doesn't die before Scottish Accent, but at least we would still have...

Mikkel: I'm telling you, there's no chief and no machine in the world that could cut through this depth in 24 hours.

NC (vo): ...whatever the hell that's trying to be.

NC: I'm gonna say adorable.

NC (vo): They journey through the ruins of the Flintstones' end credits, where they partake in their favorite game: fake-out chunning.

(Graeme is scared by Alexa, who is behind him)

Graeme: Oh! Alexa!

NC: Hmm, that was pretty good. But surely, there's a better one behind the corner!

(Alexa and Graeme notice a penguin walking around the building they're in)

NC: I'm sorry, that doesn't count, unless you make a chunn with every step you take.

(The scene of the penguin walking is replayed with added "chunn" sounds heard with every step)

NC: (Laughs) Actually, I would kill if that penguin took the role of the cat in the series.

NC (vo): Hell, we can give it its own animated spin-off. (An image of characters from The Pebble and the Penguin is shown) With a surprise ending! (Another image of Hubie the penguin's chest getting burst by an alien is shown)

NC: Why am I the only one that sees some possibilities here?

NC (vo): There's a pretty cool shot when the Predator ship passes over them, literally without making a sound. In fact, it actually goes more quiet when it passes over.

(Everyone looks up to see the Predator ship flying in the sky and passing over them, with no sound. We go back to the jocks, who are amazed)

Jocks: Whoa.

Jock Jim: Okay, that was pretty cool.

NC (vo): But it's followed by our heroes snooping around in the dark...

(We suddenly cut back to the intellectuals)

Intellectuals: Seen it!

NC (vo; sighs): I don't know why these movies always go with this setup. It's been done too many times, we know most of them are going to die, and it's not really a mystery of what's out there.

NC: You could argue it's to showcase the gore, but...PG-13! You know you're not gonna get that.

(We see several scenes of several people getting killed by the invisible Predator)

NC (vo): It's not even any of the main characters that get axed off first. It's a bunch of extras.

(One person tries firing his gun at the invisible Predator, but ends up getting killed)

NC: I'm surprised the Predator's vision doesn't look like this.

(We see the Predator's vision, which has tiny cardboard images of a Star Trek red shirt-wearing person, RoboCop and a chess piece. Several Predators, led by one named Scar, appear, as Scar checks his computer on his arm)

NC: My God, they're evil. They found a way...

NC (vo): ...to combine the Virtual Boy and the Power Glove into one.

NC: These Predators really do know how to make bombs.

NC (vo): So it looks like the Predators actually captured a Queen Alien and have her laid facehuggers to grow in humans and be hunted by them.

NC: Either that, or now Cadbury eggs have a reason for tasting bad. (Beat) That's right, I said it! Who wants a piece of me?!

NC (vo): I guess it makes a lot of sense for the Predators to do that, because our human characters sure as hell aren't a lot of fun to kill off.

(Another person, Mikkel, is confronted by two Predators, who are dubbed in dialogue voiced by NC)

Predator #1: Oh, Christ. We went from Schwarzenegger to this? Take his skull, Frank.

Predator #2 (Frank): I don't want to take his skull. You take his skull.

Predator #1: Fine! Neither of us will take his skull! We'll just let time kill him and piss on his corpse.

(As the two Predators leave, Scar suddenly appears and raises his sword)

Scar (voiced by NC): Hi, I'm Time!

(He kills Mikkel off-screen as blood is splattered. A zipper sound is heard)

Predator #2 (Frank): Mine's bigger.

Predator #1: Shut up, Frank!

(We cut to the main characters exploring a room with a large model)

NC (vo): Our appetizers stumble across fog machines for the Predators' ancient ritual of running a haunted garage.

Graeme: Any idea what these are?

Sebastian: No. You?

Graeme: No.

Stafford: It's a good thing we brought the experts.

NC: Hey, they're only good at figuring out that pyramid shapes are pyramids. How the hell are they supposed to figure out what gun shapes are?

Graeme: Well, yeah, it is a good thing, 'cause this is like finding Moses' DVD collection.

NC: (confused) That's the first really weird line of the movie. It took a while, but that was satisfyingly dumb.

Graeme: This is like finding Moses' DVD collection.

(Weyland coughs)

NC (vo; as Weyland): Sorry. That line was so dumb, it's literally killing me.

Weyland: A little too much excitement. We'll run further tests in the surface.

(Several people begin grabbing things from the model)

Sebastian: No, don't touch them!

(The model begins closing, as well as the room doors)

NC (vo): Oh, yeah. After staring at them for almost three minutes, only NOW does he say "Don't touch them". That should be minimum sentence #2.

NC: Wow, look at these! Touch them, we're dead!

NC (vo): This, of course, signals the Predators to hunt them down, as they display... (Two people discover Alien eggs rising up) Holy shit! Gremlin cocoons!

NC: This movie just got a billion extra points! (An image of Alien vs. Predator with Gremlins added in is shown)

(The eggs hatch to reveal facehugger Aliens, which attack the humans)

NC (vo): No, of course, it's the facehuggers, who jump in slow-mo, as you can tell how fake they are, and impregnate our victims pretty fast, considering it's usually a day-or-two process in the original, and now it's only a few minutes. Even the chest-burst doesn't seem like that big a deal anymore. All the other times, it's horrific, downright disturbing, but here...

(The woman, Adele, now has a chest-burster Alien inside her body. The Alien pushes her chest, causing Adele to groan quickly)

NC: (as Adele) Oh, that's annoying. (Adele groans and breathes heavily) Oh, come on, Alien. Just because you're shaped like a dick doesn't mean you have to act like one!

(The Alien eventually bursts out of Adele's chest, as Adele screams loudly)

NC (vo; as Adele): Okay, I'm only giving you two stars on yelp, and that's because I actually went "YELP!!"

NC: But you get one more star if you sing "Hello, My Baby". (An image of an alien dancing from Spaceballs is shown)

(And we go to a commercial. When we come back, we see two people being separated by a closing door)

NC (vo): Meanwhile, everyone either gets Tetris-ed to death or separated.

(One man screams as the door closes, trapping him inside)

NC: Oh, no! Not whatever-accent-he-was! I miss the way he...existed!

NC (vo): But the Predators also seem to want their guns back.

(A Predator fires a net onto another man, who keeps firing his gun at the Predator)

NC (vo; as the man): Bullshit! I am not dying via net! In an Alien vs. Predator movie, I refuse to go out this way!

(The Predator grabs the man and kills him)

NC: That's a little better. Two stars on "yelp".

(Another Predator confronts Alexa, until an Alien appears and stabs him. A third Predator appears and faces the Alien)

NC (vo): But the Predator and Alien finally meet, and shit gets...shaky.

(The Alien and Predator fight; the fight is shown via shaky cam. We see the jocks and intellectuals watching the fight, and they both heavily complain about the shaky cam in the fight. In a still shot, we are shown the Predator grabbing the Alien and swinging it around. The jocks cheer, while the intellectuals begin talking in an agreeable tone. The Predator throws the Alien away, and we immediately resume showing the early parts of the fight, again shown in shaky cam. The jocks and intellectuals begin complaining again, until we cut to the Alien's mouth impaling the Predator's head. The intellectuals begin talking positively again, and the jocks cheer again. Jock Tamara and Jock Jim high-five each other, while Jock Doug tries to get a high-five, but doesn't, so he high-fives his own hand. The Alien and Predator's fight scene continues to be shown)

NC (vo): Again, it's weird. When you can see it, it's friggin' awesome. It even has a fair amount of practical effects mixed with the CG. But when it's shaking and isn't rendered right, it sucked hard.

(The Alien leaps down to attack another Predator, Scar, who launches a net at it, causing the Alien to crash into the ground)

NC: Okay, now jump to the part where you use the Alien as a pinball.

(We cut to a scene of Freddy vs. Jason, showing Freddy throwing Jason around a plant, with pinball sounds heard in the background)

Freddy Krueger: Tilt!

NC: Masters of fear.

NC (vo): But after one Predator gets axed, another one goes after the humans. (Scar is shown confronting Weyland) Seeing how Henriksen has asthma, he doesn't even bother with him, but Henriksen still has something to prove.

(As Scar is about to leave, Weyland fires at him with a flamethrower. Scar, his back on fire but not harmed, turns to face Weyland)

NC (vo; as Weyland): Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

(Scar stabs and kills Weyland)

NC: (as Weyland) Joke's on you. I'm still gonna end up in two more Alien movies.

(Another Alien appears and slowly approaches Scar, who slices its head off with his sword. The Alien's head and body falls to the ground. We go back to the jocks and intellectuals, who are stunned by this scene)

Smart Jim: I will admit, it is a shame that the film is only PG-13.

Jock Tamara: Yeah, but for a PG-13 movie, they got away with a lot.

Smart Doug: Though, I'm confused.

Smart Doug (vo): Does making the blood green make it somehow...

Smart Doug: ...less gory?

Jock Jim: No, I think it just makes it a Christmas movie.

Jock Doug: Best Christmas movie since Die Hard!

(The jocks cheer, while Jim and Tamara again high-five each other. Doug again holds his hand out for a high-five, but doesn't get one, so he grabs Tamara's hand and uses it to high-five his hand)

NC (vo): Sadly, though, we go from one awesome fighting scene to a whole shit-ton of explaining.

(We are shown several scenes of Sebastian explaining to Alexa the history of Aliens and Predators, while we are shown that history in flashbacks)

Sebastian: The ancient warriors would mark themselves. / These hunters found the backwater planet and were worshiped as gods. / Humans were used to breed the ultimate prey. / But if the hunters lost, they made sure nothing survived. / Heat bloom was designed to lure us down here...

NC: Nobody cares!

NC (vo): We don't need to know why they marked themselves, we can figure it out. Obviously, it's a Predator temple, they're plastered all over the place. And it's pretty clear they breed the Aliens to hunt them because we know that's what they enjoy!

NC: Though, I'll say this, there is one thing they don't explain: Why have a temple at all?!

(A Photoshopped image of a UFO dropping several Aliens down to Earth, causing it to burn, is shown)

NC (vo): Why not just drop a few eggs, wait a year, and then literally hunt a planet of Aliens? Wouldn't that be much more challenging?

NC: There'd be a great vacation spot for Predator families. Hey, kids!

(An image of a family driving a car with all their heads replaced with Predator heads is shown)

NC (vo): You want to go to Planet Dickhole? You do nothing but zap dickholes who have dickholes in their dickholes!

NC: We already have a children's film for them to watch afterwards. (That image of Hubie the penguin's chest getting burst by an Alien is shown again) How can nobody smell the money?

(We see Graeme get killed by Aliens who are hatching out of their eggs)

NC (vo): Oh, by the way, Diey McDieDead (Graeme) dies. To be fair, it is good to know that the guy that goes on and on about his kids is killed off by another parent's kids.

NC: It's kind of like a vegetarian being trampled by a cow. It's a little funny.

NC (vo): You know what's not funny? All this guy's explaining.

(We see Sebastian continue to talk to Alexa)

Sebastian: When that door opens, we're dead. / During a big game hunt, the animals being hunted did not...

NC: Damn it! Just PG-13 him to death!

(An Alien appears and captures Sebastian)

NC: Thank you!

(The following scenes are shown as NC describes them)

NC (vo): This means it's just Alexa left, as she confronts the last Predator (Scar), gives him back his gun, and...through honestly very clever storytelling, we're visually told everything with no dialogue. She kills an Alien, winning his (Scar) respect, they realize they have to work together, he shows her the Alien's skin is immune to the acid blood, so she uses the tail as a spear and the head as a goddamn shield, and...

(We cut back to the jocks and intellectuals. As they talk, NC is shown thinking of what they are saying)

Jock Jim: Why wasn't this movie about her?

Smart Tamara: What? What do you mean?

Jock Doug: All the cool stuff is happening now. Using the Alien armor alone is badass!

Smart Jim: Well, you can't just have a horror film with only one person through most of it.

Smart Tamara: Actually, he may have a point.

Smart Tamara (vo): Because the movie is PG-13, the only gore we can get is from the monsters, and there's been plenty of horror films that focus on one person most of the time. (An image of Ash from Evil Dead II is shown) As long as the character is interesting, like she is, that would possibly work.

Smart Doug: There'd be less filler and dialogue, and by focusing on only one person, it'd surprisingly have more human interest.

Jock Tamara: And we get more of what we want: Alien vs. Predator, man!

(The jocks cheer, while Jim and Tamara again high-five each other. Doug again holds his hand out for a high-five, but doesn't get one. He starts whimpering)

Jock Doug: What? What? What? What did I do? What?!

(Various footage showing the movie's third act are shown)

NC (vo): Because, truth be told, the rest of the movie is hugely entertaining. The Aliens help the Queen escape, they (Alexa and Scar) find various ways to outsmart and outrun it, and they have to do it all through communication that's not verbal. True, sometimes, its Resident Evil shows, but it's shot great, the pacing is better, and it's nothing but the cool, badass characters left just being cool, badass characters. She even has to show her loyalty by killing off one of her friends (Sebastian) because an Alien is bursting out of him, showing she's not going soft and she means business.

(Scar breaks a chestburster Alien's neck)

NC: It's...actually pretty cool.

NC (vo): After they blow the entire temple up, which I'm sure means the Queen is destroyed...

NC: Hey, as long as this thing doesn't pop up, I'm good. (An image of the "cute" Alien from Alien: Resurrection is shown)

NC (vo): ...he marks her, making her a first-level Awesome-nator. (Scar is shown making a mark on Alexa's cheek) But naturally, it's not quite over.

(The Alien Queen bursts out of the ground and confronts Alexa and the unmasked Scar)

NC (vo; as the Alien Queen): We are not amused!

(Alexa and Scar fight against the Alien Queen together)

NC (vo): It's a three-way battle between Alien, Predator and human, and, by God, just saying that sentence was amazing! But they all get injured, meaning they have to take cover.

(The Alien Queen chases Alexa through a large, bony ribcage)

NC: Quick! Through the Elephant Graveyard!

(The scene of the Alien Queen chasing Alexa is shown alongside footage of young Simba and Nala sliding down a ribcage slide in The Lion King. The Alien Queen eventually stabs Scar in the chest)

NC (vo): The Predator gets stabbed, but Alexa launches the Queen into the ocean, nailing her punk-ass!

(The Alien Queen is attached to a water tower via chain, and the water tower falls and sinks into the ocean, taking the Alien Queen with it)

NC (vo; as the Alien Queen): Eh, I wish I could drown. It's gonna be a loooong life.

(A ship full of other Predators appears; its lead Predator approaches Alexa)

NC (vo): It looks like other Predators arrive...

NC: Just in the nick of time?

NC (vo): But they see she's an honorary brother and leave her alone, even giving her one of their staffs for putting up an honorable fight.

(The Predator gives Alexa a spear weapon)

NC (vo; as the Predator; speaking in a British accent): Oh, and don't touch the red button that'll blow up Earth. Laters.

(The Predators leave on their ship, taking Scar's dead body with them)

NC (vo): But they should've ran that body through customs, because it looks like he's carrying some illegal cargo.

(A chestburster with a hybrid form of an Alien and a Predator erupts from Scar's chest and snarls. We go back to the intellectuals and jocks, who are all confused)

Smart Jim: Wait a minute, when did a facehugger get him?

Smart Doug: Why would the Queen attack him if he was impregnated?

Smart Tamara: Why would it mix with his DNA, creating a new creature?

(After a beat, the jocks shrug)

Jock Doug: It was cool.

(The jocks cheer. Jim holds his hand out to high-five Doug, but Doug only looks at Jim in confusion. Clips from the movie are shown as NC gives out his final thought)

NC (vo): So that was Alien vs. Predator, and even today, it’s still kind of hard to get a grasp on. In so many ways, it betrays what we want, but in so many other ways, it delivers exactly what we want. It looks great, there are good fight scenes and cool moments, and even the worst parts really aren’t that bad, especially when you compare it to their other films. It sucks waiting through certain moments, but when you get to the fun stuff, it is a lot of fun. I guess it depends on what you’re looking for. I’m personally glad I saw it. It didn’t give me everything, but it gave me enough. So while your inner jock and inner intellect duke it out, hopefully, you can come to a conclusion about whether or not this is worth your time. By no means the best, but by no means the worst, it is the enigma that is Alien vs. Predator.

NC: But there is one thing we call all agree on...Requiem sucks. (The poster for Alien vs. Predator: Requiem is shown)

(Upon hearing that, both the jocks and the intellectuals begin complaining and talking negatively about it)

NC: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...Requiem sucks.

(He gets up and leaves, while the intellectuals and jocks continue complaining. Jock Doug lifts up both his hands for a high-five, but yet again doesn't receive one from Jim and Tamara. Doug frowns, lowers his head down, and starts to cry. The credits roll)

Channel Awesome Tagline: Graeme: This is like finding Moses' DVD collection.

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