July 12, 2016
"The hit that launched a thousand squeakquels. Is this CGI abomination as bad as everyone says?"
(After the opening to the show, we see the Nostalgia Critic trying to put on a bright yellow A over a red shirt before noticing the camera.)
NC: Oh. (quickly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Okay, I'm excited. I'm so very excited. Today, we get to review the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.
(Clips of the animated movie are shown)
NC (vo): Oh, my God, I love this film. With its hair raising adventures, singing new songs along with old ones, and traveling the world while escaping danger around every turn.
NC: It's strange, because I swear I reviewed this film before in a crossover. (Clips of him in that crossover with Lindsay Ellis, aka the Nostalgia Chick, are shown) But that doesn't matter. We are looking at it today in all its glory and I am psyched. (Rob Scallon and Jim Jarosz slide in with Rob looking like Simon complete with glasses and blue sweater, while Jim has a gray one instead of a Theodore green sweater) My friends and I haven't seen this movie in years! (He notices Jim's sweater) Wait, why aren't you wearing green?
Jim: I'm colorblind.
NC: Oh, well, who cares? Let's get ready for this awesome chipmunk adventure.
(A clip of the modern movie plays, causing the guys to groan in disgust)
Rob: Oh, shitty CGI one!
NC: Christ, is this what people think of when they hear the Chipmunks movie?
(Popping into the scene are the Analysts, played by Rob Walker and Malcolm Ray)
Analyst 2: Yes.
Analyst 1: With the movie making nutloads of money at the box office, we have cemented ourselves as the real Chipmunks franchise.
Rob: How are you even able to keep making these films?
Jim: Yeah, we know kids will watch anything, but who's taking them to go see it?
NC: Or creepier, watching it themselves?
Analyst 2: Simple. A demographic that never lets us down.
Analyst 1: The Aww Girls.
NC: The Aww Girls?
Analyst 1: Women and teens who will watch anything simply to say, "Awww!"
(The two Analysts move to reveal the Aww Girls who let out a big "aww," played by Tamara Chambers, Aiyanna Wade and Heather Reusz)
NC: Damn it, your love of cuteness is ruining a perfectly good franchise!
Tamara: But they're just so adorable!
Aiyanna: We're not here to "analyze" story.
Heather: We wanna look at cute little animals doing cute little things.
Tamara: Ooh, I just wanna pinch their cheeks!
(The girls are squeeing about wanting to pinch their cheeks)
NC: You ladies are ruining the dignity of a great adventure series!
Tamara: Oh, really?
Heather: Isn't your movie about chipmunks who operate balloons for diamond smuggling?
NC: It made a lot of sense in the 80s. More than Eleanor not wearing green.
Heather: Hey, I'm colorblind, okay?
Jim: Eh? Me, too.
(Romantic music plays as Jim and Heather notice each other before NC clears it up)
NC: Enough of that.
Tamara: Look, our movie makes a lot more sense and that's final.
NC: Okay, if we can prove that your movie is bullshit, will you acknowledge that ours is better?
NC: Oh. Well, I guess I'll just review the movie then.
Tamara: You do that.
NC: Yeah, like they have comedic identities that we can work off of. Well, I guess I'll call you two if I need a musical number.
Rob: Seems fair.
(Rob and Jim leave)
NC: Okay. Bye. Um... Here's the review.
(The movie begins with the three chipmunks storing nuts in a large tree and singing)
NC (vo): The film opens with the Chipmunks in their tree, singing the song "You Had a Bad Day", a perfect tune to foreshadow the next hour and a half. (The Chipmunks' tree suddenly gets cut down) Hey, don't waste time developing characters and instead cut down their house and take it to a building in LA. There, a songwriter named Dave, played by Jason "I'm Still Gonna Say Mallrats Was My Biggest Letdown" Lee, is late for an audition. He meets up with his neighbor and partakes in at least one of the Top 5 Worst Exposition Scenes ever.
Claire: Let me guess, you're late for something again? Same old Dave.
Dave: I'm not following you.
Claire: The guy's always fooling around, he can't handle a serious relationship.
NC: (sighs) You know, why don't you just turn to the camera and say... (Imitates Dave) Hi, audience! I'm Dave. If you look under your seat, you'll see a trading card with my stats on it.
(Such stat card is shown with an image of Dave)
NC (vo; as Dave): I know it's an awkward way to introduce to you who I am, but trust me. It's much less awkward than if we tried working it into the story.
NC: We're not really good at that "talking like humans" thing.
(We see the other main human character, Ian Hawke, greeting Dave at his building)
NC (vo): But they sure are good at ruining David Cross's career, though.
Ian: (to a guard) Hey, back off, man. This is Dave Seville.
NC: (Imitates Ian) I'm still on every year's worst movie list!
NC (vo): Actually, to his credit, David Cross is one of the few genuinely funny things in this movie. He plays a music producer who clearly doesn't give a shit that he's in a Chipmunks movie. So he gives this delightfully passive-aggressive performance.
Ian: (various scenes) Up, straight, up! / Love you. / Come back. / (Speaks in mocking gibberish) Dave always said it was all about... (normal) You know what? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave is not here!
Theodore: I had a nightmare.
NC: If they could make a doll out of this guy, I would totally buy it. (Brings out an Ian doll and presses the button)
Ian Doll: We're the Chipmunks, for crying out loud!
NC (vo): He sadly, though, is not a fan of Dave's songwriting.
Dave: The original inspiration came to me...
Ian: The song sucks, Dave.
Ian: Your song, it's awful. I hate it.
NC: Have you tried speeding it up so it sounds like high-pitched ear penetration?
Ian: I need something new, I need something fresh.
Dave: That, that is new.
Ian: The next big thing.
NC: (As Ian) I need Christmas and hula hoops!
NC (vo): But Dave shows them by stealing their muffins!
(As he is leaving the building, Dave steals a muffin basket and runs into the closing elevator as triumphant music plays)
NC: Yes, that scene definitely needed thrilling "muffin-stealing" music.
NC (vo): Why don't you just play a Latin choir when the Chipmunks sneak into it?
(As dramatic music with a Latin choir is heard, we see the Chipmunks trying to get into the muffin basket Dave is carrying)
Alvin: (To Theodore) Grab on! I can't hang like this all day! (Theodore jumps into the basket)
NC: Look out! Raspberry!
NC (vo): He then proceeds to throw out the muffins... (Dave is at home, throwing the muffin basket into the trash can) What the fuck's wrong with you?! Those are delicious!...and decides to throw out all his music equipment, too.
(Dave throws all his music equipment out of the house)
NC: Take that, free money! eBay will have none of you!
NC (vo): But don't worry. He can make all that cash back with his product placements.
(The Chipmunks are shown raiding the kitchen cupboards. Theodore eats some cereal out of a hole in the box)
Theodore: This is the greatest day of my life.
NC: We can get a lot of cute B-roll footage with these!
(Alvin pours some cheese balls into a bowl)
(He dives into the cheese balls bowl. The Aww Girls appear again)
Aww Girls: Awwww!
NC: Hey, I thought you said you weren't debating.
Tamara: We're not. We're aww-ing.
Aiyanna: (in a voice that would make Satan himself sound like a little girl) It's cute!
NC: Don't you have a cat video to share or something?
Tamara: We don't need to. We've consumed so much cuteness that it's literally in our bodies.
(Heather literally coughs up a cat video)
Heather: Hey, look! I've coughed another one!
(The girls all giggle and make googly faces at the video, weirding NC out)
NC: I need to stay away from you.
NC (vo): Dave tries to see what's going on, but apparently Alvin's fucking blood-hungry!
(Alvin attacks Dave by diving into his head, causing him to fall down to the ground. The scene is paused and we are then shown gushes of blood while we hear screaming, giving the illusion that Alvin is mauling Dave to death)
NC: Bet you didn't know this was the R-rated version.
Dave (voiced by NC): Oh, God! Stay away from my nuts!
NC (vo): As much as we wish that would happen, it doesn't. But he does fart in his face!
(Alvin farts straight in front of Dave's face)
NC: It's funny 'cause it came from his butt!
NC (vo): They finally knock him out and try to figure what to do with him.
(The Chipmunks are looking over an unconscious Dave)
Alvin: I'll need three garbage bags, a shovel, some disinfectant, some latex gloves, and oregano.
(NC is stunned)
NC: I don't like how quickly he came up with that.
NC (vo; as Alvin): Theodore, I can't go back to prison. (As Theodore) Why did you have to kill that prostitute before, Alvin? (As Alvin) She wasn't a prostitute, she was an escort! Big difference! (Normal) But Dave gets up and they introduce themselves.
Simon: I'm Simon, the smart one. He's Alvin.
Alvin: The awesome-est one.
Theodore: And I'm Theodore.
Dave: Oh, nice to meet you.
NC: I guess Theodore doesn't have any personality traits.
Simon: He fell out of the tree at birth.
NC: Outside of butt for verbal abuse.
Theodore: We talk.
Dave: It's creepy, unnatural, somewhat evil.
NC: Hey! It's the critical praises for the front of the box! (The movie's DVD cover is shown, with the quote Dave said being shown on the bottom, credited to the New York Times)
NC (vo): So Dave, being the remarkably unlikable character that he is, throws the cute little Chipmunks out into the rain.
NC: Now where's that puppy I wanted to hit with the handle of my gun? (Brings out his gun)
NC (vo): But his heart softens when he realizes he can make a quick buck off of them.
(Dave discovers the Chipmunks singing outside)
Dave: You guys can sing, too? This is amazing.
NC: The talking didn't mean shit, but now that you can sing, you're of worth!
Dave: Here's the deal: You guys sing my songs, you get to sleep here.
NC: Usually in the music industry, it's the other way around. "You sleep here, you get to sing my songs."
Dave: I don't want to come home and find a bunch of rabbits and skunks in my couch.
Simon: Filthy creatures, Dave. Never associate with them.
NC (vo): Wow. Animal racist, much?
NC: (As Simon, doing an impression of Donald Trump) We need to build a wall, Dave!
NC (vo): Oh, by the way, with them being kids, you ever wonder where their parents are?
Alvin: Our parents were hippies. They left early to join a commune.
NC: (Confused, but quickly accepts it) Explained.
NC (vo): So while trying to think of a song to be their outlet, the Chipmunks start humming in their sleep.
(While sleeping, the Chipmunks hum little music notes. Dave hears this and immediately starts thinking of a song)
Dave: Want a plane...that loops the loop?
NC: Yeah, pretty sad when animals snoring can write a better melody than you can. Listen! I think I hear my dog vomiting! (A dog is heard vomiting off-screen) Opera!
NC (vo): This inspires him to write a song, but not before realizing Simon's vision might be a little off.
(Dave takes a pair of small glasses from a Santa Claus model and puts them on Simon, allowing him to see)
Dave: Try these.
NC (vo): Wow. Thank God the makers of plastic Santas thought their toy was nearsighted, so gave them all Simon's prescription.
NC: That was a...magical kind of dumb.
Dave: We're gonna have food all winter. So if you start storing it, it's gonna get gross, and we're gonna have rodent...
(The Chipmunks look up at Dave upon hearing the word "rodent")
NC (vo; as Alvin): That's our word, dickslice!
Dave: ...non-talking rodents.
NC (vo): So they try singing the famous Christmas song, and we get to hear Dave's famous scream of "Alvin".
(Before they perform the song, Dave sees Alvin running on film wheels instead)
Alvin: This kicks a hamster wheel's butt!
Alvin: Whoa! (Trips and falls down)
(NC has a frozen smile)
NC: Well, that was superbly half-assed!
NC (vo): It's one of the most famous trademarks of the Chipmunks, and there's just no effort to it. In fact, every time he says it, he sounds less and less angry and more like the kid from Troll 2.
(Cut to a later scene where Dave is outside his house looking for Alvin)
(Cut to the infamous scene from Troll 2)
Kid: OH, MY GOOOOOOODD!!
NC (vo): But then again, what do you expect when his voice is beyond hoarse in this movie?
Dave: (various scenes) Oh, you're sorry? That's fantastic. / If you flood my house, you're dead. / Go away! Leave me alone!
NC (vo): He sounds like Bob Dylan if he's been gargling cactus covered in sandpaper.
Dave: (various scenes) My house is always a mess. / Tomorrow, I'm gonna call the exterminator. / Don't go! I can explain!
NC (vo): Maybe his voice got tired from going home after every shoot and screaming into his pillow.
NC: (As Jason Lee, screaming into a pillow) Oh, I can't believe I'm in this shit! I can't believe I'm in this shit!
(Cut to Ian's office, where Ian answers a phone call)
NC (vo; as the phone caller): Um, Mr. Cross, you're in a movie. Action!
(Ian gets up from his seat and meets up with Dave, who shows him the Chipmunks)
NC (vo): Get this. Dave tries to show off the singing vermin, but apparently, they get stage fright.
NC: Because if there's any characteristic I associate with Alvin, it's stage fright.
(Cut to Dave at a presentation meeting, where he discovers his boards have been colored by the Chipmunks)
NC (vo): But it's okay, because they get him fired from his job at an advertising firm. Oh, not because they drew Theodore's butt on his charts, but because they spelled half the S's backwards and the other half forward. (Two arrows appear to point out what NC is talking about)
NC: Who does that? Wouldn't you choose one or the other? You wouldn't go back and forth.
Dave: I think I'll just...clean out my office.
Dave's boss: Sounds good.
NC (vo): I'm sure glad we paid the extra money for Jane Lynch in that role.
(The Analysts appear again)
Analyst 1: Though, to be fair, that is a very sexy chart.
Analyst 2: Mm-hm.
NC: Get out of here!
(The Analysts yelp and run off)
NC (vo): Things seem even worse at home.
(As Dave is talking with Simon and Theodore, he notices a small bit of poop on the couch)
Dave: Theodore, did you just...?
Simon: (Picks up the poop) It's a raisin, Dave.
Dave: Prove it. (Simon eats the poop and acts like he enjoys it) Where's Alvin? Alvin?
(He walks off; as soon as that happens, Simon spits out the poop and glares at Theodore)
Simon: You owe me big time.
NC: Chipmunks eating shit! That's what I wanted to see! Isn't that what you wanted to see? I paid good money to see Alvin and the Chipmunks eating shi--What's going on in the other film right now?
(Scenes from Chipmunk Adventure are shown)
NC (vo): Look at that! The Chipettes are battling sharks in Bermuda and the Chipmunks are almost eaten alive by crocodiles!
NC: What do we got in this movie?
(The scene of Simon eating Theodore's poop is shown again)
NC (vo): Chipmunks eating shit! Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
NC: You know, maybe marketing wanted to train kids into eating crap before actually selling it to them! (An image of a box of Chipmunks fruit snacks is shown)
(Cut to the teaser trailer of the movie, showing the poop scene, but with Alvin being the one who eats Theodore's shit instead)
NC (vo): The funny thing is, in the trailer, it showed us Alvin who eats the turd instead of Simon. That means Alvin must've been so pissed off at this scene that he refused to have it in the movie.
(A rolling film wheel is shown as we are shown the caption, "Audio from the set of Alvin and the Chipmunks". The following dialogue is heard in voiceover, with NC voicing the Chipmunks and Rob voicing the director trying to calm Alvin down)
Alvin: Fuck you, guys! No! Fuck you guys all to Hell! You want me, the star of the movie, to eat shit for you?! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You can take this "2 Girls 1 Cup" bullcrap and shove it up your ass! You hear me?! Up your ass! Where it belongs, not in my mouth! No! No! You already tricked me into doing it for the trailer, you sick bastards! But I thought that really was a raisin! You lied to me! You LIED to me! You can ask my dick if I care, because I don't! Kiss my ass in Hell, you pathetic twat!
(A door is heard closing, indicating Alvin has left. The director sighs)
Director: Okay. Simon, you're up.
Simon: I don't know if I'm comfortable with this— (gets smacked) Aaah!
Director: You don't get paid as much as Alvin! You wanna see what I can really do to ya?
Simon: Proud to be eating shit for you, sir.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): But Dave's neighbor calls about her date.
Claire: (Her voice is heard on an answering machine) Hi, Dave, it's Claire Wilson calling, and...oh. Why did I just say my last name? That was weird. Um, I guess I'm just a little nervous about coming over for dinner. I'll be there at 7. Uh, okay, bye.
NC (vo): Wow. Even for literally a phoned-in line, that was really a phoned-in line. The only thing sounding less interested than her in the phone is her in real-life.
Claire: (During dinner with Dave) Please, I'm begging you. No games, no fooling around.
NC: (As Claire) No acting, either. I want to stay out of the squeakquels as much as possible.
Dave: My life is being sabotaged by talking chipmunks.
Director: (Off-screen) Uh, Mr. Lee? That's not in the script.
NC: (As Jason Lee) I know! I'm just making a declaration.
(As NC speaks, we are shown scenes of the Chipmunks performing in front of Ian and Dave getting a call from him)
NC (vo): Feeling bad, the Chipmunks convince the producer that he dropped acid as that's the only way he would agree to sign them to a record recording deal as opposed to...donate them to science?
Ian: (Speaking with Dave on the phone) That video of your little guys, ten million hits already on YouTube!
NC: (As Ian) It's blowing up bigger than that (image of) Jem twat! (Note: And considering how the Jem movie turned out, deservedly so)
(And we come to the commercials)
(When we come back, we see a montage of the Chipmunks becoming singing sensations)
NC (vo): So the Chipmunks start recording albums and make Dave all sorts of money. It's a shame money can't buy love, though. At least, not a butthole like Dave's love.
(During Christmas Day, Dave receives a present from Theodore: a drawing of the four together, but as pineapples)
Dave: Make sure we understand each other here. I'm not your dad or anything.
Theodore: You're like a dad.
Dave: Well, not really.
NC: (As Dave) I'm more of a "piss on a child's heart" kind of person, the kind that the plot says should be your father, but anyone with a brain is like, "He's an insensitive asshole".
(Cut to the Chipmunks performing at their first concert)
NC (vo): They go to perform Witch Doctor in front of a clearly paid to look interested crowd...
NC: (As a dancing audience member) Yeah, I can fake having fun to this.
NC (vo): ...as the film continues to show that it doesn't need a witch doctor as much as a script doctor.
(Claire meets up with Dave and the Chipmunks)
Claire: I'm covering your rise to fame. I'm sorry about that night. I, I really thought that you...
Dave: That I was insane?
NC: (As Claire) I didn't know you were gonna be famous. I totally would've put up with all the non-commitment stuff I talked about earlier if I knew that.
NC (vo): And it looks like Dave is still okay with being a douche.
Claire: You're like a family.
Theodore: He doesn't want a family.
Dave: You know, why don't you guys go and play or raid the dessert table or something?
NC: (As Dave) I'm still not convinced you're not a leftover high from My Name is Earl. I can't love what I don't know is really there.
NC (vo): But Cross is excited to get the merchandise going.
(Ian shows Dave a doll wearing Alvin's suit)
Ian: It's Alvin.
Dave: That looks nothing like Alvin.
NC: Well, then, it's a perfect toy to represent the movie. (Images of both versions of the Chipmunks are shown)
Ian: You got to expand the Munks' fanbase. Forget about the music. The music is...but a means to the paid money.
NC: Okay, if we can put away a nickel every time a movie says being an advertising sellout is bad WHILE being an advertising sellout (Posters of the following movies, Jem and the Holograms, Josie and the Pussycats, Glitter, The Lorax and The Smurfs are shown), we could feed all the people in the world. Twice!
(Ian has a talk with Alvin)
NC (vo): So Cross looks them in the eye and tells them that they'd all be better off with him. At least, he tries looking them in the eye. (An arrow is shown pointing at Alvin) He's over there, Cross. He's over there. Look down. Look down, Cross. No, to your left. To your left.
NC: Was there a shortage of sticks with tennis balls on them?
Ian: Dave's holding you back. You know, I could be making you 20 large a day.
NC (vo): So Cross gives them everything they've always wanted, including an attractive housemaid...
(A housemaid is working on the house as Simon and Dave watch)
Simon: She's also a masseuse. (Growls in a flirtatious manner as the housekeeper waves at him)
NC: Okay, first of all, kid. Second of all, chipmunk. Third of all, I don't want to think of a kid chipmunk getting a happy ending! I know it's technically just combining the first two, but that is SUCH A BIG ONE, I THOUGHT IT DESERVED REPEATING!
NC (vo): ...causing Dave to act even more like duck shit.
Theodore: Well, Uncle Ian says we're like his family.
Dave: Well, if you love Uncle Ian so much and you don't think I'm watching out for you, why don't you go live with Uncle Ian?
NC (vo): So they go live with Uncle Ian.
(As Ian and the Chipmunks prepare to leave Dave's house, Ian looks at Dave with a grin)
Ian: I told you, Dave. I never lose.
NC: (As Ian) Wait till you see the ways I tried to sabotage Chipwrecked. (An image of a newspaper talking about David Cross's feelings about Chipwrecked is shown)
NC (vo): Cue that tedious B-roll footage!
(A montage of the Chipmunks partying around and having fun at Ian's house is shown, with electric dance music playing throughout. The Aww Girls reappear, screaming, squeeing and cheering at the montage)
NC: Okay, in the other film, they'd be singing in the ruins of Rome...
(A musical number from Chipmunk Adventure)
NC (vo): ...not stealing whatever tune is popular at the time, but instead singing a new rocking song.
NC: How is this any better?!
Heather: You don't understand. Cute anything in a toy monster truck equals three adorables and one precious.
(Suddenly, Michael Bay (Doug) appears)
Michael Bay: Wait, there's a formula to this?
NC: (sighs) Stay out of this, Michael Bay!
Bay: Oh, I've been targeting the wrong demographic. I should've been making kids' films this whole time!
NC: You made Transformers. Those are kids' films.
Bay: Oh, no, no, no. That was my most adult work. Deep Wang is very symbolic. (An image of Jerry Wang from Dark of the Moon is shown) But I really want to take a crack at this Chipmunk formula. Let's see. (Clears his throat) All three of them blow up. (The Chipmunks all blow up, causing the Aww Girls to gasp in shock) Oh, dear, I'm not very good at this.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): But Dave realizes he misses the plot and should probably admit that he was a horse's taint the whole time, which is good, because Cross was almost gonna send the Chipmunks on an extra-long tour of Europe.
NC: (acting scared) Oh, no! That'd be awful! I'd dare even say, entertaining! (The poster for Chipmunk Adventure is shown)
NC (vo): But on top of that, it looks like their voices are giving out from being worked too hard.
Doctor: (after checking the Chipmunks' voices) You three sound like you've been gargling nails.
NC: Hey, don't talk about Jason Lee that way.
NC (vo): So he recommends that they pull a Milli Vanilli.
Simon: Isn't that like cheating?
Ian: No, it's not like cheating. This is more like helping.
NC: It's like buying the rights to a song, speeding it up and then selling it to you again. Totally not cheating!
NC (vo): But Dave tries to sneak in and call to them.
(While the Chipmunks perform onstage, Dave, who was trying to get to them, is being grabbed by security guards)
Dave: Alvin! Alvin! ALVIN!!
(The Chipmunks hear Dave's yell and stop performing)
NC (vo): I heard that faint yell not really louder than the last faint yell!
Simon: Alvin, what are you doing?
(Alvin strips his stage clothes off)
NC: WHOA! WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! Cover those with some Janet Jackson nipples, would you? Show some shame!
(All the Chipmunks strip themselves of their stage clothes)
Alvin: Come on, guys!
NC (vo): So the Chipmunks decide to sabotage the concert.
(While sabotaging the concert, Simon is shown dancing "The Irish Washerwoman" on a keyboard, and Theodore is shown bouncing on the drums)
NC (vo): Come on, let's put all these singers and dancers out of a job! That'll show the guy who already has a ton of money!
NC: Unemployment line is that way, poor musicians.
Ian: Get them!
NC (vo): But apparently, kidnapping the talent is legal now, as Cross throws them in a cage and plans to still send them on their tour. (The cage with the Chipmunks trapped in it is put down next to dolls of themselves) I'm sure this camera tilt down to the dolls means nothing.
(Dave confronts Ian)
Dave: They just ruined the concert. No one will come to see them.
Ian: Dave, they're chipmunks who talk. People will come.
NC: Isn't that what the producers say every time they pitch a sequel?
NC (vo): So they get to their vehicles and partake in a thrilling climax.
(As Dave chases after Ian's car, the Chipmunks suddenly appear next to Dave, having got out of the cage earlier)
Alvin: Step on it, Dave!
NC: Or they just want to end this as quickly as we do.
Dave: Of course I came back. We're a family.
Alvin: Uh, am I going crazy, or did he just say family?
Dave: I know.
NC: (As Dave) You guilt-trip me into saying it, just like a real functioning unit.
Dave: I really missed you guys.
Theodore: I missed you, too, Dave.
Simon: So did Alvin. He's just...too cool to admit it.
Theodore: Yeah, too macho.
NC: (confused) Yeah, 'cause that was the personality trait I clearly got from him: macho.
(Footage of Alvin is shown)
NC (vo): In fact, I just realized. For a movie called Alvin and the Chipmunks, Alvin has little-to-no personality, which is strange, because he was always the biggest personality out of all of them. He was egotistical, a schemer, delusional that he was the best, even though he still had a good heart. This one was apparently...macho.
NC: As...macho as this piece of paper is (Brings out a piece of paper and waves it around), which I suddenly decided to call macho, because that automatically makes it macho. You stay out of this, macho piece of paper. You're too macho! (Chuckles) That's so something he would say.
NC (vo): So they drive home in Dave's poor car, reflective of his humble income, to his gigantic IKEA house, worthy of any home furnishing magazine, where Alvin again screws up.
(While attempting to open a bottle of champagne for Dave and Claire, Alvin accidentally releases the cork, causing it to crash into a glass wardrobe)
Alvin: (Laughs nervously) Oops.
Dave: (Smiles) Not gonna say it.
NC: Please do. The credits are right around the corner.
(The champagne water released when the cork popped out is spilling onto the floor)
Claire: Still not gonna say it?
NC: You're holding us hostage until you do. Please say the thing you're not even really good at saying!
(The champagne water reaches a power plug, causing it to sparkle sparks and causing the house's power to burn out, leaving the whole house in pitch black darkness)
Dave: I'm gonna say it. ALLLLLVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNN!!!!!
(NC's chair is shown empty)
NC: (Off-screen) I'm gone before you can even finish it!
(Thus we come to closing thoughts as footage of the movie plays once more)
NC (vo): So, yeah, this movie’s pretty bad. Is it the worst? No. The Chipmunks are pretty cute, and can get a laugh sometimes. But they just needed to be in a better script. This is every dumb rock star story for kids that they, for some reason, think kids never catch on to. And, judging by how many sequels they’ve made, maybe they’re right. But kids deserve better stories and characters and time devoted to giving them something creative and exciting. This is just a bland mesh compared to what we could have gotten.
NC: And I’m sorry, the original Chipmunks movie is so much better.
(Footage of Chipmunk Adventure is shown once more)
NC (vo): It’s exciting, weird, funny, visually interesting, has original songs in it, and has fun traveling the world and giving kids an adventure.
NC: This is just Jem with three hairy testicles!
(Rob and Jim appear next to NC)
Rob and Jim: Yeah!
(The Aww Girls appear once more)
Tamara: Whatever. Your movie makes no sense and is incredibly dated.
Jim: Holds up better that your piece of crap!
Aiyanna: Oh, yeah! Well, if you wanna bet, we can out-chipmunk movie you!
(The music for "The Girls and Boys of Rock and Roll" begins playing as NC, Rob and Jim nod and run out of the room. The Aww Girls run out of the room, too, passing by the Analysts)
Analyst 1: Oh, no! If they find out that our films are inferior, our squeakquels will be demolished!
Analyst 2: To the ruins of franchises!
(They run out. The guys run out of the building, as Michael Bay pops out from the door they just passed)
Bay: Hey! Could you give me some advice on that kids movie formula?
(He runs off. We cut to the guys and the girls in the ruins of Rome, dancing and arguing with each other. For the rest of this sequence, this whole thing is a shot-for-shot remake of the song "The Girls and Boys of Rock and Roll" from Chipmunk Adventure)
NC, Rob and Jim and the Aww Girls: Some folks frown and even throw up
'Bout which Chipmunks movie that I like
Ready to bash their little brains with a club
Gonna whore my film tonight
Aww Girls: You're living in a past world, you dinosaurs
You're more dated than a calendar
Your films don't mean dick anymore, no
'Cause we're the Real Chipmunks Movie!
Tamara: Where's your sequels?
Aww Girls: You know our films are goddamn money trees
Tamara: Go wear your dresses in the 1980s
NC: Whoa, yeah!
You use to shut up kids folks can't stand
We'd rather be corny but imaginative
Than a literal shit-eating band
What we have's adventure that's creative
Your CGI sucks balls
NC: Lots of balls!
NC, Rob and Jim: You can't count all the shits we give now
'Cause we're the Real Chipmunks Movie!
NC: You're written by jackasses looking for a check
NC, Rob and Jim: What you got is a bored Jason Lee
NC: Keep acting like kids are dummies
Aww Girls: Our business deals with Happy Meals make us the Real Chipmunks Movie
NC, Rob and Jim: Songs we don't steal with mass appeal make us the Real Chipmunks Movie
(The guys and girls all dance with each other, with NC and Tamara standing out among the dancing moves. Meanwhile, the angry Analysts slowly pop out from statues of the villains from "The Chipmunk Adventure", while Michael Bay begins running towards the ruins. As the Analysts crawl up the stairs, NC swings Tamara around, causing her to accidentally hit Analyst 1 in the face. The Analysts fall down the stairs, colliding with Bay in the process. When Bay gets collided, an explosion erupts. The guys and girls all get on balloons and continue with the song)
NC, Rob and Jim: 'Cause we're the Real Chipmunks Movie!
Aww Girls: Yeah, we're the Real Chipmunks Movie!
Tamara: Do you even know how tall chipmunks are?
NC, Rob and Jim: Yeah, we're the Real Chipmunks Movie!
NC: Go do a crossover with The Smurfs!
Aww Girls: Yeah, we're the Real Chipmunks Movie!
Tamara: Lick my goddamn ass!
NC, Rob and Jim: Yeah, we're the Real Chipmunks Movie!
NC: Fuck you!
All: Yeah, we're the Real Chipmunks Movie!
(As the guys and girls fly off on their balloons, the Analysts stand up)
Analyst 1: Well, that in no way determined everything.
Analyst 2: Yes, with such a competitive song, nothing was really accomplished.
Analyst 1: (sighs) Didn't he do something like this before?
(A dizzy Michael Bay appears behind the Analysts)
Bay: Did somebody say something about doing stuff before?
(The Analysts look at Bay)
Analyst 1: How have we never talked?
(The Analysts and Bay walk off together as the guys and girls in their balloon continuing singing and arguing. The credits roll)
Channel Awesome Tagline - Ian: (Speaks in mocking gibberish) Dave always said it was all about... (normal) You know what? Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave is not here!