Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel
January 10, 2017
(We fade to Nostalgia Critic at his usual spot, looking quite irritable)
NC: (grudgingly) Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. And welcome back again to Sequel Month.
(Again, we are treated to the "Sequel Month (the sequel)" title card: the annoyed face of the NC being flushed down a toilet)
NC: Or in this case... (grins broadly) "Squeakquel Month"? (beat) No! That is not the case! I will not give in to your rodent-based puns, you unfunny bucket of toilet leavings!
(Images of previous Chipmunks albums through the years are shown)
NC (vo): The Chipmunks are an... interesting franchise, to say the least. That is to say, they've been around for years, and nobody's really thought that much about them until their movies.
(Clips of the Chipmunk movies are shown)
NC (vo): The Chipmunk movies always pulled in a big amount every December when they were released. I guess people just saw them as an extra Christmas present in the same way your cat (a picture of a cat with a mouse in its mouth is shown) giving you a dead mouse is technically an extra Christmas present. (the mouse is replaced with a dead Simon) Though in this case, I'd accept it. People started to get pissed because these movies would keep popping up, obviously having little to no effort thrown in, and yet still make enough money that their (billboards and buses advertising the movies are shown) shit-obnoxious faces would show up all over the place!
NC: Well, you know what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of entertainment clearly not trying and somehow getting tons of rewards for it! So you know what? I'm gonna do the same thing!
NC (vo): I'm gonna figure out the magic formula in today's movie and see how to get the same results. Because if they don't have to try, I shouldn't have to try. Something of value is finally gonna come out of these damn movies. I will be rewarded for my suffering!
NC: My soul is prepared! How's yours? Let's take a look.
(Opening footage of the... er, "squeakquel" is shown: the Chipmunks at a rock concert)
NC (vo): Okay, so it opens up with the Chipmunks at a concert called "Save the Music". (laughing) Trust me, if you want to save the music, the Chipmunks are not the band you want playing there.
(The concert is being watched on a flatscreen TV by a family in an igloo. The family dog barks and jumps at the TV, knocking it down, distorting the screen briefly)
NC: Even dogs seem to hate 'em.
NC (vo): We then see their caretaker Dave, played again by Jason Lee, reprising his role as a pair of shredded vocal cords with a human being attached.
Dave (Jason Lee): (to Alvin) You gotta share the spotlight!
Alvin (Justin Long): Dave!
Dave: It's not all about you!
NC: (scoffs) Yeah, where would Alvin ever get that idea in a band called...
(Cut to a shot of a CD cover for this band is displayed, with Alvin clearly front and center)
NC (vo): ..."Alvin and the Chipmunks"?!
NC: You know, for the longest time, I didn't they know were called...
(Cut to a clip of the concert in the movie, involving Simon and Theodore)
NC (vo): ...Simon and Theodore! I thought they were (referring to Simon) "And-The" and (referring to Theodore) "Chipmunks"!
NC: But please, continue to keep him modest!
Alvin: (to Dave) I can't hear you over the thousands of fans screaming my name!
NC (vo): This does make me realize, though, bringing back characters from a previous installment often equals success.
NC: Well, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to bring back characters from a previous review. Bring in the Aww Girls!
(The Aww Girls (played by Tamara Chambers, Heather Reusz and Aiyanna Wade) poof in)
Aww Girls: Awwwww!
NC: Come on in, ladies. If your awkward remembrance can help my fortune, all the better.
(The three of them take a seat at the table with NC)
Tamara: You got it, Critic.
Aiyanna: Setting adorable levels to eww-itating.
Heather: Let's do this.
(A giant cutout of Alvin comes loose and smacks Dave across the stage)
NC (vo): So Dave is taken out by a clumsy cardboard cutout – sounds like a metaphor for Lee's career to me – and he's left out of most of the movie.
(Dave is now in traction in a hospital)
NC: Okay, off you go.
Heather: Wait, that's it?
NC: Yeah. Apparently it's better to remind people you exist and then totally terminate you from the project.
Aiyanna: But we barely did anything.
NC: And that's what's gonna make us tons of money. (gestures) Now off you go. Off you go. Out, out. Get out. Out, out. To the couch of underused cameos!
(Sitting at the couch is Doesn't Count (played by Malcolm Ray) typing on his phone, and the Aww Girls join him)
Aiyanna: Hey, weren't you in the Spy Kids 3D review?
DC: Doesn't count.
Tamara: I hear that.
(All four of them place their heads in their hands)
NC (vo): Dave tells them they're gonna stay with their Aunt Jackie...
(Clip from Roseanne)
Jackie: It's just me and my ganja.
NC: No, not that one, though it would explain why she's seeing chipmunks.
NC (vo): No, this character is similar to (a shot of the following pops up:) Miss Miller from the cartoon, though it's not Miss Miller from the cartoon, because it means someone who made this movie would have to have actually watch the cartoon.
Aunt Jackie (Kathryn Joosten): I need a hug first.
(The Chipmunks gather around Aunt Jackie)
Alvin: Come here, you old teddy bear.
Simon (Matthew Gray Gubler): I'm not really much of a hugger.
NC: It's okay, it wasn't really that much of a joke.
NC (vo): But, okay, I'm catching on. Aunt Jackie's going to be the new caretaker, and there's, of course, going to be some comedic adjustments.
NC: Okay, then, I introduce you to Granny Tammy. Say hi, Tammy.
(Granny Tammy (played by Tamara) is sitting in a wheelchair)
Tammy: Hi, sonny, what's cooking?
NC: Oh-ho, Granny Tammy, I can tell we're gonna have a lot of quirky adventures together. Onto the next scene.
(Aunt Jackie is knocked down the stairs and then crashes into a carriage)
NC: Okay... (he presses a button and a safe drops down on Granny Tammy) This is what the people want to see, apparently.
NC (vo): Man, in literally five minutes, two of the caretakers who should have been major roles have been taken out. At this point, everyone will be dead at the 25 minute mark.
(Cut to a clip of Fawlty Towers)
Basil Fawlty: Two dead, 25 to go.
NC (vo): Instead, we get her son, Toby, played by Zachary Levi, who you may remember as (cut to shots of the following:) Chuck or as Flynn from Tangled, where he plays his biggest role as the poor man's Jimmy Fallon.
Toby (Zachary Levi): I'm not gonna be like "I know everything" and "You do this" and "You do that. I'm a dad."
NC: Okay, now I think I'm catching on. Bring in the Daww Girls!
(Heather, Tamara and Aiyanna appear again, but in different shirts)
Daww Girls: Daawww!
Aww Heather: Wait a minute! These are the exact same characters.
NC: Whaaat? No, they're not!
Aww Aiyanna: Yes, they are. They look like us, sound like us, they even have the exact same characteristics.
Aww Tamara: How can you even tell us apart?
NC: No, it's totally different. See, they have shirts of countries with no names. (a clip of Toby wearing a shirt of the U.S. is shown) You know, those obscure shirts you saw all over the place.
Daww Tamara: Look, mine's U.S.
Daww Heather: Mine's Canada.
Daww Aiyanna: And mine's so obscure, it doesn't even have a country.
Daww Heather: It's an ironic statement.
Aww Tamara: Of what?
Aww Aiyanna: That we like... irony?
NC: I'm so glad you see the brand-new comedic possibilities. Now, you three, into the studio.
Daww Tamara: Wait, what?
NC: Yeah, you're still barely in this. (the three of them protest this) Into the studio! (he pulls out a whip and cracks it at them, growling, until they go into the studio) It's so hard to make a family franchise.
(Cut to the Chipmunks hanging around in the kitchen)
NC (vo): So they partake in all sorts of "comedic gold", like singing "Stayin' Alive," except making it about cheese balls.
Alvin: (singing) Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk, I'm a cheese balls man, no time to talk...
NC: (smacks the desk) Because somebody saw the comedic possibilities in that!
NC (vo): And, of course, the essential "slo-mo kicking pan to open cheese balls while holding high note for song about cheese balls". Oh, yeah, NOW that joke suddenly makes sense.
NC: You know, I'm not gonna lie, I expected more out of the director of (posters of the following:) Private Parts and The Brady Bunch Movie, but I also suspected less out of the same director of (posters of the following:) Dr. Dolittle and John Tucker Must Die. So I guess it evens out.
NC (vo): But fear not. Literally 42 seconds later, they sing ANOTHER pointless rendition of a musical hit.
(The Chipmunks are shown spinning around a blender)
Chipmunks: (singing) You spin me right round baby, right round like a record, baby, right round, right round...
NC: Mm-hmm, yeah. Why don't you just sing what it really is, guys?
"Chipmunks" (vo by Doug): Your flimsy pretext for another rendition of a classic song gone wrong...
(The Chipmunks are now hanging by their shirts on the kitchen rack)
Alvin: You know what Dave would say if he were here right now?
Simon and Theodore: ALVIIIIIN!
(Cut to a shot of Dave in the hospital)
NC (vo): I think realistically he's shouting "PAYCHEEEEECK!"
NC: Speaking of which, how are you doing over there, Aww Girls? (the Aww Girls and Doesn't Count all flip him off) That's the spirit. (Aiyanna gives him another middle finger)
NC (vo): It also looks like Toby has a cat that he talked about earlier. And look, a few scenes later, there he is!
NC: Okay, a cuddly pet side character. Always a big money maker. I give you Mr. Yama the Llama! (a llama is added into the scene with the crowd going "Aww") Let the hijinks ensue!
(The cat hisses at Toby)
Toby: I treated you good.
(NC takes his gun out and shoots the llama, blowing it into a bloody mess)
NC: Yeah, I don't follow. Why don't I just do what they're doing?
NC (vo): But the film tries to punish you further by taking the one funny element from the last film, David Cross, and suck out anything that made him enjoyable.
(We see Ian Hawke at his house, bankrupt)
Ian Hawke (David Cross): I lost everything. And it's all because of them. I will get you, Chipmunks!
NC: Again, I'm pretty sure that's an exact quote from him from Chipwrecked.
(A shot of a news report is shown titled "David Cross calls Alvin And The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked 'the most unpleasant experience' of his career")
NC (vo): But he's not the only one who gets "chipped off" in this movie. The Chipettes enter the film in their birthday suits. (a clip from the first movie of the naked Chipmunks is shown) How did these movies not have censor bars? (censor bars are put on the lower half of the boys)
NC: Don't you know the '90s gave cartoon animals private parts? (an image of Lola Bunny is shown in clothes, of course)
NC (vo): But what sucks most is they got some really funny voice talent behind them: (images of the following appear:) Amy Poehler, Anna Faris and Christina Applegate. These are all very funny people who were given very unfunny things to do.
Brittany (Christina Applegate): I'm Brittany, and this is my sister Eleanor.
Eleanor (Amy Poehler): And this is my sister Jeanette.
Jeanette (Anna Faris): I feel more like an Olivia, or sometimes a–
Brittany: Anyway, we are the Chipettes.
NC: (fake laugh) I haven't seen such a wasted Anna Faris since...
(Posters of many of Faris' works are shown around: Scary Movie 4, Mama's Boy, Movie 43, The House Bunny, The Hot Chick, and Yogi Bear)
NC : Okay, a lot, but that...
(We are shown a screenshot of the following...)
NC: ...Keanu cameo was pretty funny.
NC (vo): What makes it even stranger is that they have almost the exact same voice as the Chipmunks. They're, I dare even say, the exact same character! Just give them the Tumblr treatment.
Eleanor: Mr. Hawke?
Ian: That voice. I can't get it out of my head.
NC (vo): This trope, of course, goes back a long ways...
(A montage of images of gender-swapped characters are shown: Scooter and Skeeter from Muppet Babies, He-Man and She-Ra, Dora and Diego, Mickey and Minnie Mouse, and Finn and Jake along with Fiona and Cake from Adventure Time)
NC (vo): ...since incorporating a gender swap of a famous character, or characters. And apparently, it still equals gold.
NC: Well, they're not the only ones who can exploit that. Chester, Doe!
(Coming into the room is Chester A. Bum and his girlfriend Doe, played by Heather)
Chester: Are you aware that there's three strange ladies with confusing shirts in there?
NC: Never mind that. We are going to explore Doe's backstory.
Doe: Ooh, that's exciting!
Chester: Finally, the Bum mythos will be revealed.
NC: Oh, wait, wait, wait, lemme just see what they do with it in the movie.
Ian: Tell me a little something about yourselves.
Brittany: We grew up in a small town, population 300–
Ian: Fascinating, great. Impress me.
NC: Yeah, okay, I guess we don't need to know your backstory.
Chester: (he and Doe look sad) Ohhh...
NC: Come on, it's like how Baze and the blind guy [Chirrut] know each other in Rogue One. They work together. That means we immediately know everything about them.
Chester: I think that's more met each other than how they know each other.
NC: Exact same thing. All we need now is some dance numbers. Go!
Doe: Oh, uh...
(Chester and Doe dance awkwardly)
NC: Yeah, on second thought, the movie seems...
(We see the Chipmunks going to high school)
NC (vo): ...tired with that, too. Now it's about Alvin and the Chipmunks trying to blend into high school.
NC: So, um, go to school, I guess, while performing some... musical... sequences.
Doe: (smiles) I guess going to dance school could kill two birds with one stone.
NC: Well, be prepared to change your motivations on a whim! That's what makes the big bucks.
Chester: Isn't that more like how it makes the little rodent?
NC: That's good. Keep making bad jokes like that. Apparently that makes a lot of money, too.
Chester: Oh, we got a lot more of those. Come on. (Chester and Doe leave)
NC (vo): So, just as Cross is amazed at two trios of talking chipmunks came to him to start a music career, and both of them seem to look and act identical to each other...
NC: I mean, like... (an image of a star-filled night sky appears in the corner) stars fucking aligned, that's pretty amazing!
NC (vo): ...it's abandoned to see how Alvin and the gang are getting along in high school.
Theodore (Jesse McCartney): Look what I can do.
(Theodore steps on a fork to launch a tater tot into his mouth, with the girls around them going "Aww!")
Becca Kingston (Bridgit Mendler): You are Theo-dorable!
(Suddenly a gunshot is heard)
NC: Oh, that's right, I forgot this movie comes with a note. (he pulls up a note that he reads off, starting with "Please Note":) "Every time certain lines from this film are uttered, an award-winning playwrite shoots himself." You might wanna see how Lin-Manuel Miranda's doing.
NC (vo): But one of the jocks is jealous of their popularity.
Ryan Edwards (Kevin G. Schmidt): Girls, please. Private conference.
NC (vo, as Becca): We will, of course, obey, because...I don't know, chicks.
Ryan: You're dead! (he smacks at the Chipmunks)
NC (vo): They, of course, don't get along, forcing the Chipmunks to fight back.
(Theodore's getting teased by the jocks)
Theodore: Stop it!
Jock: Jiggles when I poke him.
(Alvin and Simon charge at the jocks and it cuts to the outside of the school with the jocks screaming in terror)
NC: (laughing) Okay, apart from driving this movie's kill count to rival that of 2016, take a look at how they animated his face.
(A close-up of Simon with teeth bared is shown)
NC (vo): Good God!
NC: That looks like the poster to the next film, Chipceased! (A poster is shown of that screenshot with "Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipceased" on it)
NC (vo): This gets them a trip to the principal's office.
Dr. Rubin (Wendie Malick): I should suspend all three of you.
Alvin: Please do.
(Alvin smacks a bobblehead and the chipmunks are distracted by it until Dr. Rubin stops the bobbling)
NC (vo): Okay, how unfocused does the film have to be when looking at a bobblehead made it into your script?
(NC is shown typing the script to the movie on a tablet while a stormtrooper bobblehead bobbles next to him)
NC: (as a writer) "She says 'I should suspend you.' He says 'Please do.'" (He looks at the stormtrooper bobblehead, his fingers still going before he looks back) Oh, crap, I just wrote that into the script. (beat) Ah, what do I care? It's Alvin and the Chipmunks.
NC (vo): But, of course, violence towards others is fine, as long as the principal is a fan of your work.
Dr. Rubin: I just can not believe that you're actually sitting in my office. I have all of your CDs. Promise me that you won't say anything. If the faculty ever founds out about this, I...
NC: (as Dr. Rubin) The higher-ups don't take well to furry pedophiles...
"Chipmunks" (vo by Doug): WHAT?!?
NC: (as Dr. Rubin) Ah, I mean, just a fan, just a fan.
NC (vo): So she tells them there's a music competition where the winner gets 25 000$ they can use to save their music program...because, I guess, this is the plot now. (We cut to Simon and Theodore being beaned by dodgeballs) Oh, never mind, we're back to the blending in plot again.
Ryan: You're next, furball.
Alvin: You talking to me? You talking to me? I'm the only one here, so you must be talking to me.
(The rest of the jocks laugh at it while Ryan is confused)
NC: Really? We left a pause for that joke?
(Ryan throws the ball at Alvin who manages to catch it)
Alvin: Oh, booya!
Ryan: Dude's got hands. We could definitely use him on the team.
NC (vo): Okay, I guess this is the plot now. It looks like Alvin is trying to be a sports star when–
(The Chipmunks catch sight of the Chipettes as Foreigner's "I Want To Know What Love Is" plays to show it's love at first sight)
NC: Okay, I guess we're back to this plot again! So the...
NC (vo): ...Chipettes are gonna compete against the Chipmunks and–
Theodore: I'd think we didn't have a family anymore.
NC: Oh, wait, Theodore feels like the family is falling apart. I guess THIS is the plot now–
(We're back at the school where Toby recognizes Julie)
NC (vo): Oh, look, Toby recognizes their teacher from when they were in high school and is in love. Really?! We're throwing this in, too?!
NC: Okay, okay, I will play your goddamn game. Malcolm!
(Malcolm comes in)
NC: The Daww Girls are suddenly in love with you.
(The Daww Girls come in, then...well, daww and flock to Malcolm)
Malcolm: Why are they suddenly in love with me?
NC: You met at school.
Malcolm: Oh, now I know everything.
NC: Aww Girls.
Aww Girls: (still irritated) What?!
NC: You have to score the winning touchdown at a football game.
Aww Tamara: Which one?
(The Aww Girls leave)
NC: Chester, Doe!
(The Bums come back in)
Chester: For schnizzle?
NC: I need you two to hate each other while also preparing for a dance competition.
NC: True, it's going against what you originally were, but that doesn't matter when money's involved. (Shots of Alvin and Brittany are shown with their 80s versions seeing each other as foes while the 2000s look at each other lovey-dovey) Go!
Chester: (trying to think of something) Baby, you...you are so pretty and smart!
(NC sighs in exasperation)
Doe: (forced anger) And you...you are the handsomest man in the world!
(Chester breaks down crying)
NC: (hand on cheek) Why did that insult him?
Doe: I usually say "in the universe."
NC: Malcolm, you need to be angry now. Get revenge on somebody.
NC: I don't care, anybody!
(Zoom-in on Malcolm's face)
Malcolm: (speaks angrily and dramatically) Neil Patrick Harris.
(The Daww Girls split up off of him)
Daww Heather: Hey! We love Neil Patrick Harris!
(Daww Heather punches him out in slow-motion, then the rest of them start beating him up with their feet. NC then gets a call from Aww Tamara)
Aww Tamara: Critic, what should I do with this ball from the team? The Four Nine E-R-S?
(The San Francisco 49ers promptly tackle her down!)
NC: (to Daww Girls) Hey, hey, hey, you need to settle your differences in a dance-off!
Daww Aiyanna: All right. Riverdance. (The three of them proceed to tap dance on Malcolm)
Chester: Oh, did you say dance-off?
NC: No, we're on to something different!
Chester: Aww, but we got a perfect dance instructor.
(That instructor being Darth Vader!)
NC: No, no, no, you need to now be injured and out half of the movie.
(Call on the phone again. Aww Tamara is bruised from being tackled without any protective gear)
Aww Tamara: Um, I think we'd be better at that.
(And she gets tackled again!)
NC: (pointing on his phone to Aww Tamara) You're in charge of finding a cat we never talked about!
Doe: I had a cat once. It was ten years ago...
NC: That's way too much attention. More vague, more vague!
(Malcolm's still getting beat down on by the Daww Girls)
Malcolm: Call 911!
NC: Okay, I think we're good. We have about 5-10 cliched plots to confuse people into thinking we know what we're doing. Now, off to your bunches of stories.
Vader: Oh, are you sure I can't be somebody's father?
NC: Beat it!
Vader: With pleasure. (Dancing out) Beat it! Beat it!
(He and the Bums dance themselves out of the scene)
NC: This had better be a big hit.
Vader: (offscreen) It wouldn't be the first time I've obliterated these rodents.
(Posters of Star Wars: The Force Awakens and Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip appear. Now we finally go to commercial!)
- (Star Wars: The Force Awakens made $247M on opening weekend compared to Road Chip at $14.2M)
(When we return, we see Ian, who's wearing a really strange suit, introducing the Chipettes to the students)
NC (vo): So the Chipettes are teamed against the Chipmunks in a school competition.
(NC is rubbing his forehead in total annoyance)
NC: You have the only other singing chipmunks in the world, assface, and you're putting them in a school competition?! What the fu–
NC (vo): And the school agrees there'll be a big competition, for which one they'll send to the...um, competition. This creates friction with Alvin who doesn't want to perform but instead wants to play football. This looks like a job for a Dutch oven joke.
(Theodore goes to sleep with Toby, but he blasts a fart under the blanket)
Theodore: Dutch oven! Not the Dutch oven! Anything but the Dutch oven! Must find fresh air before it's too late!
NC: It's sad in a Chipmunks movie when I had to make the very real argument "At least they didn't eat shit." (A clip of the "Alvin eating shit" scene from the first movie is shown)
(The phone rings, and Toby answers it)
NC (vo): (as Dave) This is my contractually obligated cameo.
Toby: All good here. Come home soon. Bye.
NC (vo): But that doesn't seem to help things as Alvin gets way too into his game.
Alvin: I'm gonna clock you like an acorn and eat you for dinner. With some fava beans and a nice Chianti. (And he slurps like Hannibal Lecter)
NC (vo): You're right, movie. More kids do need to see Silence of the Lambs.
(Alvin wins the touchdown of the game by riding the ball thrown all the way to the end zone)
NC (vo): He wins on Air Bud logic, but sadly, that means he misses the competition.
(At the competition, Dr. Rubin is about to introduce the Chipmunks)
Dr. Rubin: And now, let's hear it for a group that will rock you like a hurricane.
NC: She's gonna make the front page of the news someday, and not in a good way.
Dr. Rubin: The Chipmunks!
NC (vo): But they admit Alvin's not there and they can't go on without him, resulting in the Chipettes winning.
Dr. Rubin: I realize how devastated you...Chipmunks fans must be.
NC: (as Dr. Rubin) I'll have to carve "Alvin, why?" in the back of my skull until it makes it right.
NC (vo): This causes Theodore to run away to the zoo, but he gets cornered by a bird.
Alvin: Hey, birdie, over here. (The eagle flies over to Alvin)
NC (vo): Oh, careful. He might look down at you if you were actually there.
Alvin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, not literally!
NC: Oh, the suspense. Will he step forward as the trainer offers him a treat?
(The Chipmunks run out of the eagle enclosure)
Toby: Guys, that was huge.
NC: Well, if by "huge," you mean...not huge.
(Ian is showing off the Chipettes singing Beyonce's "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)" on stage)
Ian: Interested? Call Ian Hawke.
NC (vo): But a talent agency was watching a random school video...
NC: As agencies do.
NC (vo): ...and decide to give the Chipettes the chance of a lifetime.
Ian: Guess who's opening up for Britney Spears at the Staples Center tonight?
(Brittany squees in delight)
NC: She's at a crazy enough point (picture of Britney Spears during her meltdown) where singing chipmunks can open for her.
Jeanette: But we'll miss the school contest.
Ian: Never been about that stupid school contest.
NC: (as Ian) A contest so stupid I knew an AGENCY would be watching it!
NC (vo): He wants to split the girls up, though, and when they refuse, he takes matters into his own hands.
Ian: Okay, who likes barbecue?
(Ian lifts up the girls by their tails)
Ian: Because I know this awesome little restaurant in the Valley that makes the best roasted chipmunk.
NC: Korean place?
NC (vo): I don't know what's funnier? The fact that roasted chipmunk would be the happy ending, or the fact that this is still a better girl rock and roll story than (poster of...) Jem?
NC: If someone was barbecued in that, though, it would be a better movie.
(The first act of the competition is a dance group)
NC (vo): The school competition goes on, though, with their opening act that... honestly should win.
NC: I know talking chipmunks are amazing, but when you look past that, these guys really are better.
NC (vo): But Alvin and the gang find out about the Chipettes and try to save them. Except in the first film when the Chipmunks were in a cage and they skipped the lame, pointless climax, this time we get the lame, pointless climax. Oh, yip-fucking-pee!
(Alvin is shown rescuing the Chipettes from Ian by riding a motorbike)
Brittany: Ian, in the words of The Donald, you're fired!
NC: (looking quite confused) ...Yes. Those will be the most memorable words we ever take away from (finger quotes) "The Donald." (beat) I supposed when you think about it, there's... (NC's Twitter alarm goes off) How is he Tweeting about me already? I'm not even done with the joke!
(On NC's phone is a Tweet from @McDonaldJTrump that says "Nostalgia Critic's not funny. Boo.")
NC (vo): They say they can make it back to the school competition in time with their good friend, Digger.
Alvin: I'm gonna need a little help from my friend, Digger!
(Digger the gopher is shown)
Digger (Eric Bauza): Roger that, Alvin!
Ian: Look out!
(Ian's car passes by Digger)
Digger: Whoa! Feels like I'm back at the racetrack!
NC: Don't make me do it. Please, God, don't make me do it. (After some hesitation, NC gets his tablet and types it out) Who's Digger? (The Yahoo Answers for it come up) "Digger is a character from NASCAR when shown on the FOX Network." (He puts the tablet down) How dare you make me look up NASCAR, you monsters!
NC (vo): Cross chases them down with a toy helicopter...because a toy NASCAR would've been too obvious...as they try to get the remote out of his hands.
Jeanette: I'm going for it. Grab my ankles.
(Jeanette lets go of the helicopter to grab the remote while Brittany catches her by her ankles with Eleanor hanging onto Brittany)
Jeanette: I got it! I got it!
Chipmunks: Way to go, Jen! / Nice work, Jeanette!
Eleanor: Good going, Jen!
NC: Because, of course! This was Jeanette's story the whole time! How friggin' obvious! Here, I thought maybe, just maybe, it was about...
(All the previous plots come up)
NC (vo): ...the concert, the football game, going to school, parenting, working together, egos, Toby's girlfriend, jealousy, fitting in, family values or trusting your heart.
NC: But, no! It was about Jeanette conquering her fear of heights, which has never been brought up in the entire movie until right now!
(NC turns to the wall behind him, stands up and smacks his head on it before sitting back down)
NC (vo): So they get back to the concert at school and perform.
Dr. Rubin: I give you the Chipettes and the Chipmunks!
NC (vo): (as a Chipmunk) But we haven't had any time to rehearse... (The whole Chipmunks group starts off into a song) Okay.
(After their performance, the audience cheers and the host comes onstage)
Host: It's clear that we have a winner...
NC: Uh, (clears throat) yeah, the judges haven't voted yet.
Host: ...of the $25,000.
NC: Lot of money to give away just on the fly.
Host: And it's West Eastman High!
NC: You know, the, uh, first act was technically a lot better– (Gives up) Okay, the Chipmunks win.
Alvin: We did it!
NC (vo): Creepy announcer gladly gives it to creepy principal! This seems very wrong! (We're now at the Staples Center) Meanwhile, at the stadium, despite the movie pretty much promising us Britney Spears, she never shows up in the film and instead we get...this.
(Ian is in a gold dress with two Chipette sock puppets on his hands and socks on his head to mimic hair)
Ian: (singing badly) All the single ladies, all the single ladies. (The crowd starts booing) If you wanna get married and you have a ring, put your rings on.
NC: Again, is this really that much different from how we've seen Britney before?
(Picture of Britney Spears smashing a car with an umbrella is shown)
NC (vo): I'm kinda shocked the audience could tell the difference.
Chris Crocker: She's a human!
NC: Okay, 2007!
NC (vo): So that was the Suck-quel. It's all over the place, not funny, boring, unimaginative and has no focus. It's stupid, it's dumb, it's...dumpid.
NC: (smiling) And I just imitated it perfectly!
NC (vo): Practically line for line, I got the formula down. That means I'm gonna be making millions in a matter of seconds! All I have to do is count the moolah I'm gonna make from this point on!
NC: And the turnout is...
(He types into his tablet to see what the results are. The NC Squeakquel review is rated as AVERAGE)
NC: Average?! W-w-what about being number one at the box office?!
(Malcolm and the Daww Girls are shown sitting on the couch)
Malcolm: Uh, Critic, none of the Chipmunk movies were ever number one at the box office. Ever.
Daww Tamara: They did okay, because they rode on the success of other December movies.
Daww Aiyanna: They've been the one family film clearly not trying to win any awards.
NC: But then, why do so many people go and see it?
Daww Heather: High-pitched voices are cute!
Daww Girls: DAAAWWWWW!
NC: So, by that logic, I can make a million just by...
(NC gets a bright idea. Cut to scenes from Silence of the Lambs, which are Chipmunked: the characters are talking in high-pitched voices)
Hannibal: Quid pro quo. I tell you things, you tell me things. Yes or no, Clarice?
Clarice: Go, doctor.
(NC's at the couch watching the movie with the gang)
NC: You know, the movie was right. More kids do need to see this film.
Malcolm: And now they will, because you put it in the kids section on Netflix.
Hannibal: The significance of the moth is change. Caterpillar into chrysalis, or pupa.
(NC's phone starts ringing)
NC: That'll be one of millions of angry parents. (He answers it) Your money's already mine. I don't care. (And he hangs up) I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I don't get it, I just exploit it.
Daww Tamara: Daww, it's like Hannibal ate Fred!
Daww Aiyanna: I smell a squeakquel!
Hannibal: You use Evyan skin cream, but not today.
(Cut to the credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Alvin: With some fava beans and a nice Chianti! (slurps)