So, I'm sittin' there tending bar when in walks someone who just looks like they seem the light of Hell, one of the Angry Birds.
I mean, this kind just looks destroyed. It's looks like he seem things I can't even imagine.
So I approach him, gave him a drink and he doesn't look like he wants to start a conversation, so I don't say anything. But then he looks at me, and says, "What was it all for?"
...And he says, "The war, what was it all for?"
Then I said, "Oh, you mean the Angry Bird War. You know, the one going against the Pigs and everything."
Then I draw a conclusion that he must have been a soldier at one of the wars. So I ask him and I say, "I don't know much about the Angry Bird ah...history. H..how did all this get started?"
Then he said, "Well, it all started with the eggs.
"After the eggs were stolen, everything changed. Our country changed.
"I mean, it was sorta did like if the eggs disappear, we could be attacked at any moment." And I said, "Oh, who took the eggs? Was it the Pigs?" Then he said, "No, it was Eggman."
I said, "The Sonic villain?" And he said, "That same one." Then I said, "Wait minute, I thought the whole thing was about the pigs, 'We're going after the Pigs.'" And he says, "That what the government was leading you to believe."
"You see, Eggman took the eggs. He took it for himself. And yet, it was the pigs that got all the blame, even thought they have nothing to do with."
Then I said, "That fascinating, why did Eggman took the eggs?" And he looks at me and says, " Is that his name's Eggman!" I guess it should have mean it.
Then I said, "Oh,why did the Pigs get involved?" The he says,"The government told us the they would threaten the freedom. And that they have strong proof that it was the Pigs that took the eggs, and not Eggman.
"They even create video footage. They made ups of lies at the beginning of the game.
"Showing everyone in the world that they took the eggs. So of course, every would believe in it. We watch home land security.
"That we have to spread bird democracy to them. Because apparently, they're gonna enrich the eggs. You know, to make them nuclear. Weapons of mass nutrition, they called it. It was and absolute bird-demic.
"Then of course all the bird put off. Others, others animals that have bigger eggs, like ostrich eggs, like could hatch at any moment and that was even more dangerous animals. They said 'No, the Pigs, they're more dangerous ones.'
"So they threw all the birds in, the kamikaze black birds, the white birds with egg bombs which is kinda strange cause they were saving the eggs but are using it as weapons...
"But anyway, they went all out and declared war up 'dem the pigs. And how many eggs did we find? None.
"We looked through the ruins and there were no eggs there at all.
"I mean, think about it. Have you ever playing that game and ever seem an actually egg? Have you ever retrieve an actually egg? No, you're just killing Pigs!
"Christ, there weren't even secret kitchens
"The leader of the Pigs, you know the one with the crown, we caught him and put him on trial. He tried defending himself saying we gave him all the resources he needs to run the place that way.
"But in the the end they still execute him. It was some good bacon."
"Some of the best I had", he said, "Absolutely delicious."
"But again", he says, "What's beacon without eggs?" Then I said, "Isn't it a little cannibalistic?" He shot me a look, so I shut up.
He said he lost so many good birds in that battle, and he just didn't see what the point of it is.
So I said, "Wow, that's really something quite history lesson there. So, does the war ever looks like it's gonna wrapped up or your gonna declare war on the real enemy?" And he says, "No." I said, "Oh, you finally learn your lesson." Then he says, "Nope, we just can't afford it."
"We're broke. Totally broke. Else, why we got tie in with the movie Rio.
"I mean, would anybody to seen that movie attach their name unless they're giving a big sum of money. No, we needed the move on."
So he looks down, looks up at me and says, "I ask ya, what was it for?"
Then I said, "Eggs?" Then he said, "Fucking Eggs."
So I said, "Jokes on you! [laughs] " He punched me in the face. I thank God, he caught me.
[Transcript Almost Finished, Please Check For Errors.]
| Transcripts for Video Game Confessions | |
| 2009: | MarioVGC · SonicVGC · SheikVGC · SamusVGC· PacmanVGC· LaraVGC· ConventionsVGC |
| 2010: | DonkeyKongVGC · Duke NukemVGC · FoxMcCloudVGC· SnakeVGC · Snake Follow Up · Chell from Portal · Bonk |
| 2011: | PrincessDaisyVGC · AngryBirdsVGC |
| 2012: | EarthwormJimVGC |
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| DVD Exclusive: | BlankaVGC · FeliciaVGC · MegamanVGC · Sub-ZeroVGC |