AskThatGuy: Kickassia Edition

Ask That Guy With The Glasses: Kickassia Edition (October 10th, 2010 - exclusive to the Kickassia DVD)

Ask That Guy is reading a book while smoking a pipe with his back to screen right. When he notices the camera, he takes out his pipe and turns. That Guy: Oh! (closes his book and gives the Kickassia salute - "the finger", basically) Hoo! Hoo! Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to this special edition of Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction: we zoom out of a caricatured drawing of Ask That Guy's face (only showing his scalp hair, goatee, glasses, and eyebrows with his left one raised). Throughout the piece, Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata" is played on the piano. When the drawing is in place, "ASK" appears at the top of the screen; and "That Guy With The Glasses" appears in cursive at the bottom. This time around, the words "KICKASSIA EDITION" appear in the middle of the screen. We fade out; and the first of the questions fades in, as they all will.

Narrator (always off-screen, questions on-screen unless noted): Why weren't all the producers there?

That Guy: (turns to the camera and takes out his pipe) That's a very good question. And the answer is: we don't like them all! / [jump cut] Even the ones we DID invite we don't like very much. / And why shouldn't we? There are so many things to hate about them. / For example, Spoony is a raging alcoholic. / Linkara is a horse. / And Nostalgia Chick? Well, (looks around, then leans in with his right hand to his mouth) let's just say she used to be called Nostalgia CHUCK. / But I was in it, and that's all that matters. / But you may have noticed that I was not in it for very long. / That's because I can't stand myself either. / I'm a very difficult actor to work with; and, quite frankly, I threw myself off the set. / (leans in) Have you ever TRIED throwing yourself off the set? Your spine will never be the same, / mostly because I was hitting on everybody. / Men, women, goats: the WHOLE kaboodle. / (looks up to his right) Wait, was that a goat or was that Benzaie? / (looks back) Oh well, it doesn't matter; they're both hairy. / (leans in again) And we both know what they say about hairy things: they're NOT BALD things. / (leans in AGAIN) And there's nothing like a hairy French goat in Reno. / (looks up to his right) Except for Courtney Love, but (back to camera) THAT'S a different story. / Yes.

Narrator: Why didn't LordKat have a bigger role?

That Guy: (chuckles) Have you seen him? I think he's big enough already! (laughs heartily) / (looks up to his left) Did I say that out loud? / (up-close with a distraught look these next few parts) Please don't kill me! I think he's the only one that has connections to the mafia! / I mean, did you hear him? He has a NEW YORK ACCENT! That MUST mean he's evil! / Please don't send an assassin to kill me! I really oughta... (looks off to his right) Oh, hey, a gun. (we see a white flash and hear a gunshot; That Guy is blown back out of shot. After a few seconds, he re-appears and takes his normal position) I'm back. Struck up a deal with God again. I just have to promote this every couple of minutes. (he holds up with both hands the Illustrated Dictionary & Concordance of the Bible) READ THE BIBLE. IT'S THE FRIGGIN' GOOD BOOK! / Thank God none of the OTHER producers wanted to kill me! (another flash and gunshot; That Guy's thrown back again. After a few seconds, he re-appears and mutters:) Great. Now I gotta promote (eyebrows raised) TWO books. READ THE BIBLE (which he holds up in his right hand) AND THE DALAI LAMA'S "PATH TO TRANQUILITY"! (which he holds up in his left hand. He's about to speak again but stops and looks back and forth at both books) THAT'S confusing. (has a confused look on his face)

Narrator: The lighting and sound were horrible. Why is that?

That Guy: Because YOU'RE an a-hole. Next?

Narrator: I thought this would be an epic movie. Why is it a comedy?

That Guy: (chuckles) Silly us. I guess, because we thought we're a COMEDIC site, making a COMEDY would actually make a lot more sense. / Plus, we're TRYING to make up for the fact that Epic Movie was not a comedy. / It was many HORRIFYING things, but it was DEFINITELY not a comedy. / We thought we would do good to the world by evening it out. / That, and you're an a-hole.

Narrator: The Nostalgia Critic had too big a role, and I am upset.

That Guy: (looks to his right and then back, saying in a mocking, sarcastic tone:) Oh, no.

Narrator: I hate Linkara. Why was he there?

That Guy: Unfortunately, I'm not at liberty to answer that question. / But luckily, we have a customer service line that's open to answer that question. / Simply call THIS number (he points with his pipe to the bottom of the screen; what comes up is the following phone number: 1-800-FUCK-YOUR-MOTHER-YOU-FUCKING-LITTLE-FUCK-FUCK), and you'll see that ALL your questions will be answered. / (the number is gone) Incidentally, did you know that there was also a number to check how gullible you are? / Here it is. (he points again, this time 1-800-555-5555 appears on screen) Just dial it, and they'll test you to see just what a gullible moron you really are. / (no number) Thank you for your question. Now kindly crucify yourself. / (leans in) With onions. / (softly) Yes.

Narrator. More money should have been put into this. You suck.

That Guy: Oh, I'm sorry. Did YOU make an hour-and-a-half movie in under four days?

Narrator: No.

That Guy: Then I guess you shouldn't TALK, should you? Why don't you go under the bridge with all the rest of the trolls? / Then crucify yourself with onions. / And videotape it so I can add it to my collection. / I may be evil, but at least I'm sick.

Narrator: Zero Punctuation should've been there. How come he wasn't?

That Guy: (looks to his right with a puzzled expression) Well, that's because I don't know the guy. / He's never done anything on our site, has nothing to DO with our site, and, quite frankly, asking why he's not there is like asking, "Why isn't the REST of the Internet there?" / I'm sorry we couldn't get THE ENTIRE INTERNET THERE for OUR ONE SITE two-year event, but you know what? Some things are just out of our... hands. / Maybe you should just SHUT UP or go to HELL! / That way, your FAMILY will be happy; and WE will be happy. / You most likely will not be happy, but you don't matter. / (leans in) You're an insect on the bottom of my shoe. / And you know what I DO with insects on the bottom of my shoe? Nothing! Because I don't notice them! THAT'S how INSIGNIFICANT you are! / Insect! On shoe! (pauses, then points to camera with mouthpiece) Yyyyyou. / Now, never write again, or I'll sodomize you with a pineapple. / (waves goodbye with his left hand) Bye-bye now.

Narrator: Why wasn't Suede there?

That Guy: (throughout this, he looks to his right a lot) Oh, Christ, do you EVER watch the site? / He's on a mission, a Mormon mission doing Mormon things. / I'm sorry we couldn't interrupt his SPIRITUAL JOURNEY for our FUNNY LITTLE MOVIE. / But some would argue that that's a liitle bit more important! Some! Not you. Because you're a MORON! / I would like to tell you what you can do to yourself; but, quite frankly, the camera would explode just hearing it. / I'm embarrassed for us both. Just never talk again for fear of someone committing suicide. / Unless it is YOUR suicide; in which case, yap away. / Aren't you so glad I can take criticism well?

Narrator: You all suck, and I hate you all for wasting my time watching that.

That Guy: Well, for that, I DO apologize. / How silly of me that this entertainment that nobody is forcing you to watch and we are giving you for FREE would actually DISTURB you. / I tell you what, though: I can make it up to you. / (normal position) I will simulate what you would have done with that hour-and-a-half if you never watched "Kickassia." / (in these next few parts, with his back to the cabinet, facing off-screen right, speaking in a pained voice, and simulating masturbation by just shaking his fist A LOT, he portrays a typical troll) Ohhhh! Lara Croft and Chewbacca! Oh, I WANT YOU BOTH SO BAD! / Oh! I can do this all I want, but nothing will ever come out! Because it's so SMALL, and I'm so useless! (fake crying) / At least I can complain about Kickassia! That's my only goal in life! (cries again) / (back to normal) There. I hope you feel better about yourself. / It's like looking in a mirror, isn't it? / (close-up) Welcome to reality. / We have employment and women here. / Sample them. MAYBE you'll STAY! / If not, no big loss. / By God, I'm so humble. / This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question... except for the ones that YOU just asked." (winks and goes back to reading his book and smoking his pipe)

THE END

This time, though, the bottom of the screen reads: "Dedicated to some of the REAL questions we've been asked. Leave your rooms, dear trolls; reality awaits." (followed by Channel Awesome stinger)