And now it's time for "Bum Reviews" with Chester A. Bum. Tonight's review: "Avatar."
OH MY GOD, this is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
I see spoilers!
There's this bald boy who can control the wind.
Oops! Wrong "Avatar."
OH MY GOD, this is also the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
There's this guy who lives in the future.
And he has lost his legs!
I lost my legs once!
(looks down) Oh wait, there they are.
So, they send him to a planet filled with blue Smurf people!
Only they're not little Smurfs.
These guys are friggin' huge and look a lot like Garfield!
So the business people are like "We have to move these Smurfy cats 'cause they're standing on top of this rock that's worth like a bajillion dollars!"
And the military is like "Blow stuff up! Blow stuff up!"
Sounds like my hamster.
So this guy with no legs is put inside a Smurfy cat's body.
And he has to convince the other blue Smurfy cats to leave!
Pfft, I know what that's like!
People are asking me to leave all the time!
Hey, if a dog can urinate at a children's playground, why can't I?!
So, he meets up with a female Smurfy cat with the daughter of a king and a spiritual leader.
Well, one of them are dead.
And she's also betrothed to this other guy!
(nods) Yeah, he's dead too.
Most people who are betrothed at the beginning of movies are often dead.
That's how most Disney movies work! *hears buzzer go off* ...I mean, not Disney movies work. *hears ding noise*
So, the guy with no legs gets to learn the ways of these Smurfy cats.
But the big bad military along with the big bad corporation want to tear their village down!
But the scientists are like "No, no! You can't do this!"
"Because the trees have some kind of energy, and they communicate with the energy, and this energy will change the world!"
"Pah! Who do you think you are, some kind of scientist?"
"You think we pay you millions of dollars to tell the truth?"
"And you think that because you have a brilliant mind and years of loyal experience that we're going to listen to you?"
(long pause) "...Yeah!"
"Well, we're not!"
"Because we're the big bad military! Along with the big bad corporation! Ahahahahahahaha!"
"That makes no sense-"
(Chester makes a clicking noise to simulate setting off a detonator, followed by a kaboom noise to simulate an explosion.)
"No! The Smurfy cats!"
So, the guy with no legs goes back in the Smurfy cat's body.
And they get all the other Smurfy cats together!
So the big bad military come in to wipe them all out.
With their machine guns, tanks, giant robot, and flying death machines!
But it's okay, because the Smurfy cats have bows and arrows! .......Of course!!
And they also use all these other alien animals to destroy them.
Because if there's any that we've learned in the past, it's that mankind is no good at destroying other species!
We suck at it!
I mean, did you see "Return of the Jedi"? We can't even wipe out Ewoks!
An entire empire destroyed by teddy bears!
Support our troops against Smurfy cats and teddy bears! They are deadly!
So, the Smurfy cats send all the humans back to their planet.
And the guy with no legs officially becomes a Smurfy cat himself!
I always felt like a Smurfy cat trapped in a man's body!
Don't we all.
And the moral of the story is anything that is human is evil!
And anything that is not human is...not evil.
So, I really liked "Ferngully"... *buzzer* "Pocahontas"? *buzzer* "Atlantis: The Lost Empire"? *buzzer* "Dances with Wolves"? *buzzer* "Avatar"? *ding* The most original movie I've ever seen in my life!
I mean, that James Cameron is a genius!
He took an idea that often made horrible children's films and turned it into a billion dollar epic!
I wanna see him remake some of MY favorite children's classics!
The Tom and Jerry movie must be retold!
With green baboons.
This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE?! Ya got change?! Aw, c'mon, help a guy out, will ya?! C'mon, change!
Well, can you at least help me buy a blue Smurfy cat? Or are you afraid he might urinate in front of a children's playground too?