Babes in Toyland
December 6, 2011
(Footage and images relating to the Christmas season are shown as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas! Hey, have I mentioned yet that I love Christmas? I do! I LOVE CHRISTMAS! The absolute best time of the year!
NC: Even this job that forces me to watch the WORST of Christmas can’t possibly make me hate this wonderful holiday. Even when I see things like…
(A ghost in black suddenly appears in NC’s living room. He is played by Jim Troken.)
Ghost: Ooooooh! Ooooooh! I’m the Ghost of Christmas Future!
NC: The Ghost of Christmas Future?
Ghost: Yes, the Ghost of Christmas Future! I’m here to show you what happens if you don’t start enjoying Christmas!
NC: But…I do enjoy Christmas.
Ghost: (Beat) What?
NC: Yeah! I love it. I’m all over it.
Ghost: (looks around) You have absolutely no hatred for Christmas?
NC: No, [it’s] my favorite time of the year.
Ghost: Alright. (He walks over and takes a seat next to NC at his desk) Alright, guy, [I] don’t think you understand quite how this works. Every comedy show does a “Christmas Carol” parody, usually around Christmas…
NC: Well, not me. I don’t wanna.
Ghost: (sighs) I’ve got these three other ghosts waiting, they’re on retainer. It’s just too much…
NC: I don’t care!
Ghost: (sighs) Think of the possibilities! The sight gags! The puns! (He grabs NC by the shoulders to shake him a little) THINK OF THE CAMEOS!
NC: Look, I’m not doing anything “Christmas Carol” related, anyway. I’m doing “Babes in Toyland.”
(The title screen for the 1986 TV movie “Babes in Toyland” is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
Ghost (voiceover): “Babes in Toyland”? The Disney flick?
NC (voiceover): No, no, no. This one was made in the ‘80s; 1986, to be exact. It has half the talent, half the creativity, and definitely half the effort! It’s about as cheap as a musical knockoff can get. And just to make things even better, it stars a young Drew Barrymore and a young Keanu Reeves.
Ghost: (appears over the montage of clips) Oh, you say you love Christmas now, Critic, but wait until you see this candy-coated abomination. Don’t worry, Critic. (He waves his hands in a spooky manner) I’ll be back! (Expecting he’d disappear, he simply shrugs and walks off camera right)
NC: (stares off-screen briefly in confusion before returning to the camera) Well, let’s get started.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): We start off with some van Gogh snow and observe some of the slowest-moving shoppers in mall history as we see our hero named Lisa, played by Drew Barrymore. Uh, post-crack, I think. Why else would she choose this role? She’s excited, because as her sister’s getting ready to go to work, she starts building up what she got her for Christmas.
Mary: I got you a great present. Don’t ask what it is. It’s a surprise.
Lisa: I bet it’s a new blender. (Mary shakes her head no) Well, then, what is it?
NC (voiceover): Wait, blender was a real guess? Good God, this must be the most boring family to have Christmas with!
(Cut to NC with a large Christmas present near him)
NC: Oh, boy! I can’t wait to see what it is! (He quickly unwraps the present and looks inside the cardboard box) Wow! (He shows the inside of the empty box to the camera) It’s a box!
NC (voiceover): So as she (Mary) puts on her raincoat for the…snow, Lisa gets concerned because of the weather report.
Male News Announcer: (on the TV) And here’s Gail with an update.
Female News Announcer: (on TV) As of 10 PM, the giant Canadian storm continues to surge its way south.
NC (voiceover): (as the announcer) They’re calling it Hurricane Canuck.
NC (voiceover): (normal) So Lisa decides it’s too dangerous for her sister to work tonight and tries to go get her.
(Cut to the inside of a toy store and Jack Fenton (Keanu Reeves) walking through the shopping crowd)
NC (voiceover): There’s Bill and Ted’s Excellent Kwanzaa.
Jack Fenton: (to Mary) How about a quick Christmas pizza at Capone’s before I drop you home?
Mary: Jack, I don’t think I could eat three pizzas.
Jack: Oh, here we go again. The Delilah of the Five-and-Dime.
NC: (lightly chuckles) Oh, we-we thank you for this bountiful performance we’re about to receive.
Lisa: (enters the store and runs up to Mary) Mary!
Mary: Lisa, what are you doing here?
Lisa: I’m sorry. I tried to call, but the phones are down. Mary, you’ve got to come home right away.
Jack: Someone should tell Barnie to close the store.
Mary: Here comes your big chance.
(Barnie the store manager (Richard Mulligan) walks through the store)
Jack: (looks on to see Barnie and shudders) Uh-uh.
NC (Voiceover): Ahh, now that’s a Keanu moment.
Jack: (shudders) Uh-uh.
NC (voiceover): I’m sure it was written in the script, “I do not wish to partake in conversations with that man.” (Accompanying quote appears onscreen) To which Keanu translated it as…
Jack: (shudders) Uh-uh.
NC (voiceover): As opposed to his “’Cha, uh-huh!”
Barnie: (to Mary) Doing your job is pleasing me, which in your case would not be difficult. You know what I mean?
Mary: No, I don’t.
Barnie: You know, for a smart-looking girl, you’re really pretty dumb. Don’t you know it’s better business to be nice to the boss?
Lisa: (appears from under the check-out counter) Don’t you talk to Mary like that!
Barnie: What the heck is that?
NC (voiceover): (laughs) Another great delivery to go in the acting books.
Barnie: What the heck is that?
NC (voiceover): Though to be fair, I think we’ll all be saying that line throughout this movie.
Barnie: Oh, yeah? Well, with your attitude, you could be out of here right quick! You know that?
Mary: With your attitude, I could be out of here right now! There’s a blizzard out there, but I’m gonna take my baby sister home.
Mary: I know. I know you’re not a baby, you’re eleven years old.
NC: (shrugs) Thanks for that?
Mary: Come on, Lisa. Let’s go find Jack. (She and Lisa leave Barnie alone)
Barnie: How do you like that? You ruin my biggest one-day take of the year. What are you, crazy?
NC (voiceover): (as Barnie) I can’t stop doing my Rodney Dangerfield impression. No respect. No respect at all.
Lisa: (speaks into a microphone to announce to all the shoppers) Uh, excuse me, everybody. I just heard on TV there’s gonna be a major snowstorm hitting Cincinnati any minute! You should all go home while you still can.
NC: (as a shopper) Oh, my God! Surely the eleven-year-old girl who I’ve never met before knows exactly what she’s talking about! Flee, everybody! Flee!
(Jack and a male employee walk past Barnie after everyone has left)
George: Merry Christmas.
Jack: Merry Christmas.
(They both pull down a net above him before leaving, and a pile of toys and balls fall on top of Barnie)
NC (voiceover): Hey-hey! That’d be funny if one of those balls actually hit him.
(Mary and Lisa run out into the parking lot and Lisa screams while carrying a large sled on her back; Jack is right behind them)
Jack: Come on. Follow me. Free at last!
NC (voiceover): So Reeves starts driving everybody home—which is weird, seeing how they clearly walked to work, and they said on and on the roads were dangerous—and they can’t help but sing a song about their charming little city.
Jack: (sings) I come from…
Jack, George Mary and Lisa: (sing) C-I-N-C-I-N-N-A-T-I, Cincinnati
Jack: (sings) The best town in O-
Entire Group: (sings) Ohio, USA!
(NC grimaces with clenched teeth at the musical number)
Lisa and Mary: (sing) At first, they called it Cinci, but since Cinci is so natty…
Barnie (from earlier in the film): What the heck is that?
Lisa and Mary: (sing) [They named it Cincinnati] so they say...
(Jack drives over a snowy bump in the road)
Jack: (narrowly avoids an accident) Whoa!
Jack and George: (sing) Hey, the girls are pretty, pretty / In this gritty little city
Mary and Lisa: (sing) The fellers…
Plucky Duck (from “Tiny Toons: How I Spent My Vacation”): Sheesh. The Von Trapp family, they ain’t.
Entire Group: (sing) I mean, to argue’s indefensible…
NC (voiceover): But even God has had it with their singing and tries to smote them by tree.
(Lisa has fallen out of the car and slides down a snowy hill backwards on her sled; she looks behind herself and screams at the sight of a tree; As the camera does a quick close-up on the tree, the screen flashes and we hear a thud (presumably because Lisa had crashed into the tree))
NC (voiceover): So in the…weirdest transition to a magical land, Lisa falls out of the car, slides down a hill on her sled and bumps into a tree. I’m sure C. S. Lewis was watching this shouting, (The movie poster for “The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” is shown) “Gah! I knew I could’ve made that weirder!”
(Lisa rides in the sky on her sled before we see all of Toyland)
Female Singer: Toyland, Toyland / Every child’s dream is Toyland
NC (voiceover): So as you probably picked up, Toyland looks less like an enchanted kingdom and more like one of those bad Bible-themed amusement parks, like Christian Corners or Jehovah’s Wonderland.
(Lisa lands in a giant wedding cake)
Female Bunny: Oh! There’s a monster in Barnaby’s wedding cake!
Police Teddy Bear: He won’t be pleased with that.
Female Frog: Well, he doesn’t deserve a wedding cake, anyway.
NC (voiceover): Yeah! It’s a world so enchanted that animals don’t even need to blink or move their mouths when they talk. It may look like heinous budget cuts, but it’s all part of the magical experience.
Barnie (from earlier in the film): What the heck is that?
Georgie Porgie: (introduces himself to Lisa) I’m Georgie Porgie, chief taster at the Toyland Cookie Factory. (He takes off his hat to hand her a cookie) Uh, here! Have a raspberry ripple.
NC (voiceover): (as Lisa) Wow, look at all the powdered sugar!
NC (voiceover): (as Georgie Porgie) That’s not powdered sugar.
Georgie Porgie: I’m going to a wedding.
Lisa: What’s so terrible about going to a wedding? Excuse me, but I thought they were supposed to be fun.
Georgie Porgie: Not this one. My best friend Jack’s sweetheart Mary is about to marry that terrible, mean hick old Barnaby, but she really loves Jack.
(Cut to Barnaby’s home, in the shape of a bowling ball)
NC (voiceover): What the hell?
Georgie Porgie: See that house on the hill, the bowling ball?
NC (voiceover): (sarcastic) No. Where?
Georgie Porgie: That’s Barnaby’s house. Sometimes when he gets really angry, he rolls his house right down the street and knocks people over like they were nine-pins.
Lisa: God, this guy sounds really weird.
NC (voiceover): No, your remote control disappearing under you is weird. Living in a bowling ball is fucking insane!
Lisa: Why is Mary marrying terrible old Barnaby instead of your friend?
Georgie Porgie: ‘Cause Barnaby bought the mortgage on her mother’s house and said he’d throw them all out on the street if she didn’t. Well, Mary’s too loyal a daughter to let that happen. And what’s even worse, Barnaby is Jack’s uncle.
NC (voiceover): Boy, does this guy do anything outside just shouting exposition?
NC: (as Georgie Porgie) Now before we begin watching “The Fellowship of the Ring,” I think it’s only fair to go through the entire appendix of “The Lord of the Ring” trilogy. (He opens up a thick book with gold edges on the pages)
Audience: (groans) Awww!
NC: (as Georgie Porgie, reads from the book) Aragorn and Arwen’s history is a long and complicated one.
(A rock is thrown off-screen, cutting the screen to black before NC is knocked out cold)
NC (voiceover): So as they roam through the land of furries, they finally come across Jack, who is not happy that Mary is marrying Barnaby.
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) Oh, the…whoa.
(Barnaby and two goons walk in)
Georgie Porgie: (to Lisa) That’s Barnaby with his two goons, Zack and Mack.
Lisa: But Mary’s so young and pretty. She can’t possibly marry a…hideous creature like that.
NC (voiceover): Yes, for as we all know, all pretty young people are good and should only marry other pretty young people, and all ugly people deserve to be shunned and only marry the leftover feces found in road kill.
(Jack tries to intervene and stop the wedding by going after Barnaby, but Zack and Mack block his way by holding their hands up to him in a pose)
NC (voiceover): (as Zack and Mack) Don’t fuck with us. We’ve been to mime school. Oooooh, I’m trapped in a box! I’m trapped in a box.
Justice Grimm: I now pronounce you…
Lisa: (steps forward) But she doesn’t love him! (The crowd murmurs) She loves Jack, and she really shouldn’t be marrying you.
NC (voiceover): So, even though she knows absolutely nothing about this person, Lisa tells Mary not to…marry, and Barnaby now, for whatever reason, is totally helpless to stop her. All he can do is threaten her with his Clinton thumb.
(Barnaby grumbles and walks away from the wedding ceremony)
Georgie Porgie: Let’s hear it for Lisa!
(The entire crowd cheers)
NC (voiceover): Yay! She pointed out the painfully obvious, and it worked for no reason!
Chorus: (sings) Let’s cheer and fill the wrap music go and happily echo / Let’s fly away
NC (voiceover): (as the animal chorus) Sorry, the other half of us would be singing if we had the ability to move our lips!
(NC begins to speak before interrupted by the appearance of the Ghost in his living room again)
Ghost: Ooooooh! Does this movie make you hate Christmas yet?
NC: No. I mean, it’s not good, but it doesn’t make me hate Christmas.
Ghost: (sighs) Look, I don’t think you’re taking full advantage of this opportunity. The jokes just write themselves. Look! (He snaps his fingers before a Photoshopped image of Phelous Porteous’s head superimposed over the face of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is shown on his left) Ooooh, it’s the Ghost of Christmas Phelous!
NC: GET OUTTA HERE!
Ghost: Oh, come on! This took me, like, four hours in Photoshop!
(The Ghost snaps his fingers, making the Photoshopped image of the Ghost of Christmas Phelous fade away before he walks away and flips NC off)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So we cut to…(sighs regarding a sign labeled “Toyland” posted up high) You know, just putting the name of a magical place on the side of a barn doesn’t make it a magical place!
(Cut to a Photoshopped image of a barn with the label “Paris” labeled on the front and French music plays in the background)
NC (voiceover): (as a husband) No, seriously, honey. We’re in France! (A smack is heard) Ow!
(Back to the movie, Barnaby blows his whistle to all the employees inside the cookie factory)
Barnaby: Cookie break!
(All the employees cheer and leave their posts)
NC (voiceover): So Barnaby and the Nosferatu brothers have an evil scheme. They’re going to dump all the cookies down a trapdoor that I’m…shocked…nobody in the factory ever noticed before, and try to blame Jack for it. While that’s going on, Lisa is introduced to many of the residents in Toyland.
Widow Hubbard: (reads off from a long piece of paper) “How dare you not marry that nice rich Mr. Barnaby.”
Mary Contrary: Because I don’t love him, and you know perfectly well why not, mother.
Lisa: I’m sorry, Mrs. Hubbard…
(In the background, Humpty Dumpty is seen sitting frozen on top of a high wall)
NC (Voiceover): Uh, did Humpty Dumpty just die on that wall? I don’t think he’s breathing.
Widow Hubbard: Oh, I had an idea about that thing, too.
NC (voiceover): He’s here through this whole scene, and I swear to God he never moves a muscle! Just look at his dead eyes! You can totally tell they’re not alive! In fact, I think you can actually spot the moment when he leaves our world forever. (Pauses) And…there he went. I hope he’s handled with care. He can’t be easy to bury.
(Lisa and Mary Contrary come across little cars)
Lisa: Oh, wow! What nifty little cars!
(Cut to the two driving off in them)
NC (voiceover): (laughs, then speaks as an announcer) When in Disneyland, ride the Lame-mobile. For those of you who think the Dumbo ride is too exciting.
(Cut to the cookie factory with Barnaby accusing Jack)
Barnaby: (to Justice Grimm) Arrest that man. Six months inventory is missing, involving millions, many millions of cookies. (Cut to an inventory room with many empty shelves) Thousands of boxes of cookies gone!
NC (voiceover): You know, it doesn’t seem very wise to have an entire cookie-based economy. Is Chips Ahoy, like, the Wall Street of this world? Was there an “Occupy Oreo” protest going on?
Bill (from “Edward Scissorhands”): You can’t buy the necessities of life with cookies. You can’t buy a car with cookies, am I right, Jim?
Jim (from “Edward Scissorhands”): That’s true, sir. You can’t.
NC (voiceover): So Jack gets arrested, but his friends manage to break him out disgustingly easy. I wouldn’t be surprised if the bars were made of licorice; he could have just chewed his way out. Thus, they decide to go to the Toy Master-–the ruler of Toyland—to fix everything.
Georgie Porgie: The Toy Master would never let that happen.
Lisa: He let Barnaby put Jack in jail.
Jack: Yeah, but the Toy Master doesn’t know about that.
Lisa: Well, don’t you think it’s time that he did?
(Cut to our heroes driving in their little cars (Jack drives past the camera in a pink car with white flowers on it))
NC (voiceover): Wow. That’s the manliest image I’ve ever seen since He-Man stepped foot into his pink Cadillac. (A clip from “Masters of the Universe” with the pink Cadillac is shown briefly)
(The clip of Jack driving past the camera in his pink car is shown again)
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) I’m off to find my dignity!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So they go to the Toy Master, played by Mr. Miyagi himself, Pat Morita. Because clearly, this casting couldn’t get any more surreal!
Lisa: Wow, he must be a really important person, the Toy Master.
Georgie Porgie: Well…let’s put it this way. I don’t think Santa Claus would let just anybody make all the toys for all the children in the world, do you?
NC (Voiceover): Just like corporate America, when Santa’s too lazy to make things himself, he hands it over to the Asians. That’s productivity at its best!
Toy Master: I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Actually, a very big secret. A secret I’ve never shared with anyone before.
Mary Contrary: What secret?
(The Toy Master reaches down to get something below the screen, almost as though digging into his pants)
NC (voiceover): Oh, my God, no! (The Toy Master pulls out a key) Oh.
(Cut to The Toy Master holding a large flask)
The Toy Master: I’ve been collecting the evil of the world.
Jack: You have?
The Toy Master: Yes. I seek it out and isolate it. I extract it, and then I distill its essence, and seal it in here.
NC: (as the Toy Master) It also releases a hot blonde in a midriff. (He dances in place to the intro music to “I Dream of Jeannie”)
NC (voiceover): So Jack gets the idea to go back to the cookie factory to search for clues, because—of course—no authorities would be at the scene of the crime. (A Photoshopped image of a promotional picture from the “CSI” TV show featuring a smoking teddy bear and a snowman is shown briefly) Yeah, not “CSI: Toyland”’s best work. But Barnaby has a surprise for him.
(Jack looks around the factory and notices the trapdoor with his foot; from up above, we see Zack and Mack watching him in secret)
Igor (from “Young Frankenstein”): (audio) What hump?
(After Jack stands on the trapdoor and figuring out what it means, Zack pulls a lever, opening the trapdoor and letting Jack fall through)
NC (Voiceover): (as Jack) Bogus!
(Jack slides down a tunnel underground and into a jail cell)
NC (voiceover): So Barnaby captures Jack and tells him all about his evil plan to take over Toyland.
Barnaby: I plan to own it, and when I do, there’ll be some interesting changes.
Jack: Over my dead body! (The word “body” is muffled a bit in his delivery)
NC: (misinterprets) Over my dead butt?
Jack: Over my dead body!
NC (voiceover): Not that I assume your butt or any part of your body was alive, but that doesn’t seem like a very good threat.
(Cut to the rest of our heroes driving around in little cars again)
NC (voiceover): Jesus, why do they drive everywhere?! This place has to be, like, a hundred feet long! You can hop on one foot and get there in good time!
Georgie Porgie: Nobody’s ever been inside Barnaby’s house before. It could be very dangerous.
Mary Contrary: I’ll search it. You two stand guard.
Lisa: But, wait a minute, something—
Mary Contrary: I’m sorry, Lisa, but it’s time I did something besides cry.
NC (voiceover): (as Mary Contrary) That’s right! Fuck you, script writers! This role’s gonna have some meat!
(After having climbed into one of the holes of Barnaby’s bowling ball house, she screams and slides down a tunnel underground)
NC (voiceover): But—what a shock—going into a bad guy’s lair gets her captured, too. So they go back to the Toy Master to seek more advice.
Lisa: Don’t you have the power to turn Barnaby into a…a wind-up pussycat or something?
Toy Master: Oh, but what if there’s still some good inside of him?
Lisa: There’s no good in Barnaby, sir.
Toy Master: The struggle between good and evil goes on inside of everyone.
Barnaby: (bursts through the doors with a squawking black bird beside him) Not in me, old man!
NC (voiceover): (as the Toy Master, who gets tied up by Barnaby) I still think there’s good in you.
Georgie Porgie: (as he and Lisa are tied up by Zack and Mack) Please! Please!
Barnaby: (grabs hold of the large flask) Oh, the beautiful flask of evil!
Lisa: You don’t need any more evil, Barnaby.
NC (voiceover): You know, I may not be an escape artist, but I think she can get out of that.
NC: (speaks blandly with a very loose rope on himself) Oh, my God. They got me. Ahhh.
Toy Master: Don’t you dare touch a hair on that child!
Lisa: I’m not a child.
NC (voiceover): (as Lisa) Yeah, a child doesn’t get drunk at age nine!
Barnaby: You’re wrong, my interfering little Cinci-whatski.
NC (voiceover): So he (Barnaby) leaves his bird to gobble them up when he—get this—accidentally cuts the ropes. Whoops!
(Our heroes lure the bird into a large trunk)
Lisa: Right here.
Georgie Porgie: Push him in!
(The bird goes into the trunk before the Toy Master shuts the lid and locks it)
NC (voiceover): They outwit the creature and try to figure out what’s the best course of action.
Toy Master: You and Georgie must find a way to get the flask of evil back.
Georgie Porgie: Why us?
Toy Master: Well, because I’m old and you are young, and the challenge of protecting good from evil eventually always falls to the young. This is how we protect our traditions.
NC (voiceover): Uh, yeah, this is how you protect your cowardly ass, you lying schmuck! I saw “Karate Kid”; you can wax on, wax off these bozos before “Happy Days” comes on!
(Cut to Lisa and Georgie Porgie searching through a dark forest)
NC (voiceover): So they think the answers lie in the forest, as they—(Lisa and Georgie fall through a hole in the ground, falling through tunnels underground) Oh, for God’s sake, how many of these trapdoors does this guy have?! It’s like the Underground Railroad if it was literally an underground railroad!
Lisa: You’re the monster of Toyland, Barnaby. How could you ever wish evil on the most wonderful place that ever existed? You’re insane!
Barnaby: Well, YES! (His voice cracks on the word “YES”)
NC: (reacts in surprise) What was that?
Barnaby: Well, YES!
NC: Did a pinch bull munch on his nuts while reading that line?
Barnaby: Well, YES!
NC: (imitates Barnaby) Well, YES!
NC (Voiceover): So he starts to spray them with gas to turn them evil. But Lisa is immune because…she’s from Cincinnati?
Lisa: Nothing’s happening to me. I guess I’m immune ‘cause I’m from…Cincinnati. Yes, Cincinnati!
NC (voiceover): Why does coming from Cincinnati make you immune? Do Cincinnati lungs breathe evil toxins all the time that they just become used to it?
Lisa: Sing the song with me. It’ll keep your minds straight. (starts to sing) C-I-N-C-I-N-N-A-T-I, Cincinnati…
NC (voiceover): (is confused) Wait, so she makes them think they’re from Cincinnati that somehow cures them of being evil? What sense does that make?! Are they trying to convince us that Cincinnati is, like, the one true religion or something? Sheesh, they’re gonna go to every door in Toyland proclaiming the word!
NC: (speaks to a toy black cat) And if you say the Cincinnati prayer enough, you’ll stay away from evil.
Black Cat Toy: But my lips move just as much as Thomas the Tank Engine’s!
NC: Well, as long as you accept Cincinnati as your true Lord and savior, everything will be fine. What do you say about that?
Black Cat Toy: Tiny Tom.
Ghost: (sighs after getting up from puppeteering the black cat toy) OK, look, look. Handsome Tom is a tall guy, so if we call him Tiny Tom, it could be just like the Willow joke.
NC: IT’LL BE EXACTLY LIKE THE WILLOW JOKE!
Ghost: Yes, but it’s Christmas, so we’ll be forgiven.
NC: GET OUTTA HERE! (He beats on the Ghost, making him disappear off-screen)
NC (voiceover): So the Cincinnati song, for whatever half-baked thought process, keeps them all good, and they manage to escape. But Barnaby has his own garage of children’s convertibles to chase them down as well.
Background Singers (from a Power Wheels commercial): (audio) Pow-Pow-Power Wheels! Pow-Pow-Power Wheels! Power Wheels! Power racing, go!
(Our heroes and the villains drive around Toyland in their little cars)
Barnaby: Get the little one! I want her!
NC (voiceover): You know, as…riveting as this chase sequence is, I can’t help but feel it’s missing a certain something. Let’s try it with this.
(NC adds in the music to Super Mario Kart over the chase sequence)
NC (voiceover): But they outwit Barnaby, so he feels it’s time to unleash his evil army on Toyland after giving them all the evil gas, because it…makes them eviler, I guess.
(Barnaby lets his army out)
Barnaby: Yes! It’s all yours.
(Cut to the Toy Master’s workshop)
Toy Master: I have only toys here. Toys cannot protect us from anything. As long as there is one person within these walls…who can’t believe in them.
Mary Contrary: Who doesn’t believe in toys?
NC: Yeah! W-Whatever that means.
Toy Master: There is one person who was never really a child. Life made her grow up too fast.
Georgie Porgie: It must be you, Lisa.
Georgie Porgie: You’re always saying, “I’m not a child.” And I guess maybe you never have been.
NC (voiceover): “Always saying”? She brought it up twice throughout the entire movie! And even then, it was pretty much just glanced over! And what’s this about being forced to grow up too fast? We never saw anything to indicate she grew up too fast. She still talks like a kid, acts like a kid. What is she overcoming, a last minute ditch for a lazy writer to slip in a stupid plot thread?
Lisa: (to the Toy Master) What do I have to do?
Toy Master: Believe in Toyland and all that it stands for.
NC (voiceover): Because she didn’t before? What is—?
Toy Master: (sings) If you can see…
NC: (picks up a remote) Okay, you know what? I’m kind of sick of this Santa fortune cookie shit.
(NC fast forwards through the song sequence)
NC (voiceover): I’m just gonna skip to the part where she overcomes her obstacles that they forgot to have written in.
(Lisa opens up a door to reveal a life-sized toy soldier)
Lisa: I believe in you, toy soldiers. Don’t you see? I believe in you. (She goes to open another door to reveal more life-sized toy soldiers) I believe in you, and all the toys!
(The toy soldiers begin to march out)
NC (Voiceover): Ah, yes, just look at the dignity of the toy soldiers; the restraint in their movement, the dignity in their march, the fact that those masks are clearly too big for any of the actors wearing them. Sound the trumpet’s call!
(The toy soldiers continue marching out as the “March of the Toy Soldiers” plays in the background; Ghost walks in front of the footage, mimicking the marching of the toy soldiers)
(NC sighs and places a hand on his forehead as Ghost says something indistinct)
NC: Will you knock it off? I’m not doing a “Christmas Carol” parody!
Ghost: OK, OK. What happens if one of the producers actually made a video parody?
NC: Well, I…guess if someone went to all the effort, I mean…
Ghost: Good! Lupa’s already made one. She really wants to see the project move forward.
NC: Really? Lupa’s on board?
Ghost: Oh, yes! She’s really passionate about it.
NC: Well, okay, let me see what video she sent. (He takes his remote to flip channels)
(Channel static transition to Obscurus Lupa tied up in her chair with Christmas garland and having her mouth taped shut; she struggles to get loose)
NC: For God’s sake, WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!
Ghost: Well, she’s in the video.
NC: But she’s tied to a chair!
Ghost: No, no, no! This is how she gets into character. It’s symbolic of how she’s breaking the bonds of her performance! It’s really quite beautiful.
NC: If you come near me again, I’m calling the cops.
Ghost: Ahh, joke’s on you! They’re already looking for me! Ha-Ha! (He runs off-screen before we hear a thud, presumably because he ran into a wall) Erg!
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So the toy soldiers go to fight the evil mutated Christmas trees and send them back to their…bowling ball of doom.
(The Toy Master makes a signal, and the toy soldiers start firing their guns at Barnaby’s army)
NC (voiceover): Whoa! This shit just got real! “Imaginatio,” nothing; a good gun and explosives is all you need to save the day!
(The toy soldiers continue shooting before they come up to attack Barnaby’s army)
NC (voiceover): (sings to the tune of “Red and Black” from the “Les Miserables” musical) Red, the blood of angry toys / Black, the dark of Barnaby's ass
NC (voiceover): (as a toy soldier in the crowd) Cry plastic, and let loose the Pound Puppies of war!
(Chaos ensues in Toyland as the soldiers threateningly force Barnaby’s army out with their guns)
NC (Voiceover): Don’t fire until you see the whites of their eyes or the skin of their obviously falling off masks. (A green arrow points to the white paper at the back of the head of one of the toy soldiers)
Jack: (has caught Barnaby) Not quite yet, Uncle Barnaby. (He punches Barnaby)
NC (voiceover): (as Jack) See you at Thanksgiving!
NC (voiceover): (normal) So Barnaby and his evil army are defeated, and they’re banished out of Toyland forever.
Toy Master: For your evil against Toyland, you are hereby banished into the forest of the night forever.
NC (voiceover): (as the Toy Master) And I’m only doing this because I still think there’s good in you.
Barnaby: (runs away) Aah! Help!
(The crowd cheers)
NC (voiceover): So Mary and Jack finally get married, Lisa’s the flower girl, the whole destroyed cookie economy never comes into play, and Lisa is finally sent on her way home.
Lisa: But I haven’t said goodbye to the Toy Master!
Toy Master: (wears a red cloak in the sleigh Lisa rides in and turns around to pull down his hood and reveal himself) Well, we should have a nice trip, Lisa, if you don’t mind a few bumps.
NC (Voiceover): Hey-hey! It’s Santa Craus!
(The crowd cheers as the Toy Master makes the wooden reindeer take off with his reins)
NC (Voiceover): (as Toy Master) Now, Egg Roll! Now, Fried Rice! Now, Mushu with ham! On Wonton, on Dumpling, and Moo Goo Gai Pan!
(Up high in the sky, Lisa takes a seat next to the Toy Master)
Toy Master: I think we’ll take the Milky Way, all the way. Hang on, child, and look out for the shooting stars.
NC (voiceover): Yes, especially considering how little wind there is, hundreds of feet up in the air.
(Out in space, The Toy Master flies his sleigh past a red planet and it looks like it's just sliding with no movement from the reindeer)
NC: Okay, film, there is no excuse. You should’ve reshot that.
NC (voiceover): So Lisa wakes up back at her house, and—wouldn’t you know it—it was all just a dream.
Lisa: We must stay young and try to be good. And above all, we must believe. Then we’ll always have a merry Christmas and everything, won’t we? Always and always and always.
NC (voiceover): Wait, one more time. I don’t think it was contrived enough.
(A regular toy soldier stands by a present as Lisa looks on, hugging her teddy bear with a smile)
NC (voiceover): So one of the toy soldiers shoots her the Finger—I mean, gives her a salute, and they all live happily ever after.
NC: So that was “Babes in Toyland” 1986. Is it bad? (Beat) OK, that’s a stupid question, but is it fun to watch?
(Clips from the TV movie play again as NC speaks)
NC (Voiceover): Well, I certainly say, "Yes." It’s really campy and really plays on the cheesiness. It’s a great film to watch if you’re just looking to laugh your brains out at something so ridiculously silly. And personally, I had a ball watching it. So, if enjoyably bad movies are your thing, certainly check this one out. Maybe you’ll regret it, but you’ll have fun regretting it.
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it—
Ghost: (sings off-screen) Nobody knows…
NC: Excuse me one moment. (He gets up to leave)
Ghost: (sings off-screen) The trouble I’ve seen.
(Cut to the Ghost in a different room drinking to himself in sorrow)
Ghost: (sings) Nobody knows but Jesus. (speaks normally) Oh, it’s so hard to cry when you don’t have any eyes!
(NC walks in)
NC: (takes pity on Ghost) Hey, buddy. You doin’ OK? (He attempts to place a hand on Ghost)
(Ghost recoils away in shame)
NC: (sits down next to Ghost) Look, just because I’m not doing a “Christmas Carol” parody doesn’t mean I’m not gonna do some kind of Christmas parody. (Ghost grunts angrily before NC would lightly tap the back of his hand on him and react by recoiling away and sobbing to himself) Come on, buck up, little camper. Tell you what, why don’t I let you pick the next horrible Christmas movie I can do? It can be anything I hate.
Ghost: “The Grinch”!
NC: (Beat) It can be any of the Rankin/Bass stuff…
Ghost: “The Grinch”!
NC: (Beat) It could be the, uh, “Killer Snowman” movie…
Ghost: “The Grinch”!
NC: (Beat) What’s the name of that Jonathan Taylor Thomas movie? *I'll Be Home For Christmas *
Ghost: (points to the camera) Next week is “The Grinch”!
NC: Goddamn it!
(Obscurus Lupa removes the tape from her mouth)
Obscurus Lupa: You know, maybe this isn’t the best way to get into character.
Channel Awesome Tagline—Jack: Over my dead body!