September 7th, 2010
Familiar Shorts - Fungus Among Us
Transcript for Familiar Faces #36: Baby Doll
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to! But that hasn't stopped a lot of people from trying!
NC (vo): Yes, on more than one occasion, I had to defend my territory as critic of all things nostalgia, like the time Linkara tried to review Superman IV behind my back, or the little lesson I had to teach the Nostalgia Chick after she dared to review Armageddon before I could, and likewise with Phelous and LordKaT. But nothing could compare to the slap in the face I recently received. It was during one of the hourly Googlings of my own name that I found this on my very own forums page: "Is CR the true Nostalgia Critic?"
NC: Now, for those of you who don't know what CR is, join the club.
NC (vo): He's a reviewer here on this site who's been making videos for almost a year now, but nobody knows what he looks like. As you can imagine, there's been some speculation.
(Cut to clips from the 1989 Batman film)
Robert Wuhl: You know what they say? They say he can't be killed. They say he drinks blood. They say--
William Hootkins: I say... you're full of shit.
NC: But little does CR know that I have everyone here at thatguywiththeglasses.com under constant surveillance. Thank you, Patriot Act! Now behold! CR!
(Cut to CR, reading a newspaper that is covering his face)
NC: Hey! HEY! HEY!
(CR hears him and drops the paper in confusion, revealing his face)
CR: Mr. Wilson?
CR: (realizes) Oh... (Covers his face with the paper again) this is CR. Ignore that man behind the newspaper.
NC: It's not working, CR.
CR: (drops the paper) Oh, poop.
NC: I'm just glad to see that you got my little gift.
CR: I thought there was something funny about that fruit basket.
(Cut to the basket, which has an incredibly obvious video camera sitting in it)
NC: Listen, CR. You better knock it off, you better knock it off fast!
CR: Knock what off?
NC: Whatever it is that's making people compare you to me.
CR: I got a feeling that this is about more than just my video reviews.
NC: I have no idea what you mean.
CR: Want to talk about it?
NC: (sadly sighs) ... I suppose ever since the whole Kickassia incident, I've been feeling a little bit insecure. I mean, do you know what it's like to become a god...?
(Cut to Kickassia clip of Nostalgia Bison watching TV)
TV: Hey Hogan, who's that? (cut to Hitler speaking German)
(Back to Critic)
NC: ... and then have to go back to my normal life?
(Cut to critic on his recliner watching TV)
TV (dubbed by CR): Samantha, I'm home. Say, whose that in the backyard? (cut to Hitler speaking German)
(Back to Critic)
NC: And I'm just ,.. trying to hold onto the little I have.
CR: Oh, Critic, you've got nothing to worry about, but if you want to, you can stick and see exactly what it is I do.
NC: Yeah, that might not be such a bad idea.
CR: Excellent. We'll start right after the theme song.
NC: The wha...?
(Cut to the Familiar Faces intro)
NC: OK, so how does this work?
CR: Well, like I said. I look at minor characters from different series and mediums. So why don't you start by telling me what's your favorite show?
NC: Well, Batman the Animated Series, I guess.
CR: I can work with that.
(Clips of the Batman animated series plays)
CR (vo): After all, it was one of the most revolutionary animated series of its time in terms of both production style and storytelling, and it achieved that rare feat of satisfying all types of Batman fans across the board, from those who liked the light-hearted camp to the viewers who craved the dark and gritty. And of course, one of the strengths of the series was its characters, specifically the Rogues Gallery. This was probably the first animated series to explore motivations and emotional makeup rather than just present some cliche villain who was evil just for the sake of being evil, making the already iconic villains of Batman even more memorable.
Harley Quinn: At what point did my life go Looney Tunes?
CR (vo): But that's not to say that all Batman villains are remembered today. In fact, I remember one specifically who appeared on this show.
(The Critic then looks at the drawing of Baby Doll)
NC: Wait, you want me to guess?
CR: Well, not just you. Everyone. It's kinda my shtick. I make drawings of minor characters and let everyone guess who they are.
NC: That's dumb.
CR: Just guess.
NC: OK, um ... The Penguin.
CR: The Penguin? One of the original characters from the Golden Age of comic books. Recurring character from the 1960s Adam West, and the second antagonist in the Tim Burton film? THAT Penguin?
NC: Yeah, no one knows who he is.
CR: (dumbfounded) ... ... No, but that's a pretty good guess. I was thinking about Baby Doll.
Baby Doll: Now we'll be playing by my rules.
CR (vo): Anyway, our story begins where all Batman stories start out: in a dark alley behind a theater.
NC (vo): Uh, that's Batman's story, you dumb ox!
CR (vo): Actually, it's hers too.
NC (vo): OK, so a troupe of actors are calling it a night when one of them hears a girl crying.
Brian: Hey, what's the matter? Are you lost, honey?
Baby Doll: My big brother went away and left me by my lonesome. Big brothers aren't supposed to do that to their baby sisters.
Brian: Here, dry your eyes and I'll help you find a police man. He'll get you home safe and sound.
Baby Doll: You're so nice to me, but then you always was the nicest one, Timmy.
Brian: You! But how?
(BD knocks him out)
BD: Sorry I had to play rough, Timmy. I didn't mean to!
NC: Let this be a lesson to you. The next time you see a little girl lost and crying ... Kick her in the face and run for it.
NC: (vo) So it turns out there's actually been a ton of kidnappings in Gotham all centered around this old TV sitcom that was cancelled. Most likely due to gratuitous wardrobe malfunctions (referring to the numerous times that Baby Doll's skirt fails to hide her underwear).
Robin: I remember this show from when I was a kid. It still stinks.
CR: Opinions on taste from the man-boy wearing the same colors as a Christmas elf.
Batman: I read about her once in a medical journal. She was born with systemic hypoplasia, a rare condition that kept her from aging.
Commissioner Gordon: Can you believe she was twenty years old in that clip?
(NC starts to speak when he looks to the side to find the Elephant in the Room)
NC: Oh, hello Elephant in the Room. I was expecting you.
Elephant: So, you know why I'm here then?
CR: Yes, Elephant in the Room. We know that Gary Coleman recently passed away and that there are many similarities between his story and Baby Doll's and would probably be in poor taste to make fun of this loss. So thank you for stopping by, Elephant in the Room.
Elephant: I have a name, you know!
CR: We don't care what your name is.
(NC gives the thumbs up)
NC: (vo) Meanwhile, there's another kidnapping in progress at a theater downtown by Skipper and his first mate, Gilligan, who surprising seem to be a match for Batman and Robin.
CR: (vo) Hit em with a coconut.
Robin: They're getting away.
Batman: We'll get em! (Opens his belt buckle and presses a few buttons)
(The Batmobile starts up, chases after the bad guys, when Baby Doll runs into the street, forcing Batman to swerve and crash into a mailbox)
CR: (vo) Yet another reason why the Nintendo Belt never caught on.
(Clip of the Joker with the dubbed line "It's so bad" from The Wizard)
Baby Doll: (pretending to be an innocent child) I've lost my mommy.
Woman: Oh, my poor baby.
Baby Doll: Mommy!
Woman: Naughty naughty baby. Haven't I told you not to run off.
Baby Doll: I didn't mean to!
Batman: Hold it.
Baby Doll: Naughty Mr. Batman. You play too rough.
(They disappear in a puff of smoke)
NC (as Batman): That's right. I'm so awesome, I can punch smoke.
CR: (vo) Well, you can't blame them for that. I mean how were they supposed to figure out it was the little girl in out-of-date clothing?
NC (vo): Exactly, who happens to look exactly like the actress from the TV show that all these abductions are based on.
CR (vo): And is just a block away from the facinity of the crime scene. Why you'd have to be ...
CR: The World's Greatest Detective!
NC (vo): But you don't have to be any kind of detective at this point to know that Baby Doll herself is behind this.
Actress: Mary? Mary Dahl? Is this a joke?
Baby Doll: No, sillies. I'm Baby, remember. It's Suzie and Timmy and Mumsy and Daddy and Baby together again for evers and evers.
CR: My god, she's bat-shit insane. Do you think this happens to all children actors?
NC (vo): No, I think it's just a stereotype. Why just look at Ma-Ti. He was a child actor and he turned out all right.
(Cut to a picture of animated Ma-Ti while we hear clips from Ask That Guy Violates Ma-Ti)
Cartoon Ma-Ti: Yes
Ma-Ti (Bhargav): I hope you're happy.
Ma-Ti: I didn't do anything to you.
Ma-Ti (Bhargav): OH MY GOD! The FUCK is wrong with you?
Ma-Ti: You know what?
Ma-Ti (Bhargav): I came here to talk about carbon emissions.
Ma-Ti: What am I?
Ma-Ti (Bhargav): FUCK!
Ma-Ti: You are ruining my life!
Ma-Ti (Bhargav): FUCK YOU!
(Now back to the review)
CR (vo): Meanwhile, Batman and Robin visit a reporter to get some more information.
Summer Gleason: Baby's dramatic career flopped and when she tried to start her TV show up again the networks turned her down.
Batman: That still doesn't explain why she's after her old cast.
Robin: Maybe there's a clue in these old episodes.
Summer Gleason: You can borrow them if you want and when you crack the case, you can pay me back with an exclusive...
(She's shocked to see they've disappeared with a "Yoink" sound effect playing)
CR (vo): And somewhere on a sound stage, Baby Doll is sharing a rather tense reunion with her old co-stars.
Father (voiced by Alan Young): That's it. I always knew you were a selfish little brat always throwing your temper tantrums and making life miserable for all of us. Well, this time you've gone too far. Expect a call from my lawyer.
(He is suddenly kicked by Baby Doll's hench woman)
Baby Doll: Isn't Miriams a treasure? I couldn't get through the day without her. Naughty naughty daddy! Why'd you go and yell at your Ol' Baby like that?
Father: You're not my daugher and we're not a family. We're actors, remember?
CR: For God's sake! I've been voicing a millionaire duck for the last 4 years. I go home every day and get smashed on a whole bottle of tequila just to get the theme song out of my head.
Father: You cancelled our show because you wined you weren't getting enough attention.
Baby Doll: But I know nows I made a boo-boo (Sobbing then switching to her adult voice) It was hard for me out there. I studied and trained and auditioned, but nobody wanted me. (Plays a tape recorder of audience's "awws") Over the years, I remembered how happy I was with all of you around and the folks around me watching me.
CR: Now I feel bad for her.
NC: Me too.
Baby Doll: (switching to baby voice) Baby Doll! (giggles)
NC: Now I just pissed myself.
CR: Me too.
CR (vo): So as we fade out from the set to the Batcave, we find Robin doing what most of us do to kill time: watching old TV shows on a computer.
Robin: You remember when Poison Ivy tried to smother us in those vines with the really sharp thorns.
Robin: This is worse!
NC (as Batman): Channel Awesome isn't interested in your review series, Robin. Just drop it.
CR (as Robin): They're just jealous.
Robin: In the last season, the ratings were starting to drop, so the producers introduced a new character: Baby's little cousin Spunky.
(Spunky pushes Baby's face into a cake, which Robin laughs at then contains himself)
Batman: According to these, Dahl was furious that she was upstaged on her birthday episode and walked off the series.
Robin: So why hasn't she gone after Cousin Spunky?
NC (as Batman): Let me just walk over here real quick. It'll be more dramatic.
Batman: Maybe she's waiting for the right occasion.
CR (vo): So the dynamic duo deduces who the last kidnapping victim is just in time, but it seems Baby Doll already beat them to the punch.
Mirium: Excuse me, my baby was taking a nap and your music woke her up.
Spunky: Hey, I gotta practice, you know.
Baby Doll: You're still a stinky jerk-face, Spunky.
(She sprays him with gas and he passes out. Cut to a Punk'd title card)
CR (vo): Like most has-been celebrities, Spunky wakes up in a strange place with a throbbing headache, haunted by the events of his past.
Baby Doll: You all remember the last times I hads a birthday. Poopy old Spunky pushed my head in the cake. Everybody laughed and laughed (Stuffs cake in Spunky's face). Well, I'm laughing now.
Spunky: Well, what are you mad at me for? It was nothing personal.
Suzie: We're were just playing characters on a TV show.
Baby Doll (adult voice): It was real to me!
CR: RolloT's been saying that a lot about LOST.
Baby Doll: Now, Baby's gonna get even. (Places a lit dynamite on the cake) It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
CR (vo): But just when it looks its worse, Spunky manages to toss the dynamite away and after that, an enraged Baby Doll is about to give new meaning to "Evil Eye."
Baby Doll: (brandishing her doll as a gun) Mr Happy Head says you're really gonna get it now.
CR (vo): But luckily, Batman shows up with some fun party games, like Midget Tossing, and of course the Dark Knight knows what's a party without a surprise or two.
Robin: Thanks, partner.
NC (vo): OK, time out. I gotta ask: What was Baby Doll's plan again? She wants revenge on this guy by blowing him but is standing RIGHT NEXT to the dynamite. Is this just some sort of murder suicide thing? And apparently her henchmen are in on it too because they're only a few feet away.
CR: You know Critic, I would be asking the same question...
CR (vo): ...but I'm too distracted by the fact that Robin removed the elborate disguise in one fluid motion. Wouldn't he be wearing like a fat suit under there or, you know, PANTS?!
NC (vo): Let's not question anything anymore.
CR (vo): Good idea. Baby Doll then calls her bodyguard, and as the Dark Knight and Boy Wonder display a level of martial arts that would rival that of the Beverly Hills Ninja, Baby Doll slips out the back and gets away on her Fisher Price's My First Getaway Trike
Baby Doll: Yay.
NC (vo): But Batman gracefully dispatches the brunette(?) and chases Doll to the amusement park. She tries to blend into the crowd, but Batman outsmarts her, by the look of these costumes, jumping down in the 1930s.
CR (vo): Then Batman chases Doll into a game booth and even though he clearly sees that she's not there, he stares at a wall long enough for Baby Doll to sneak around and start pummelling him with tennis balls.
(The World's Greatest Detective!)
NC (vo): Cornered, the Dark Knight decides to fight fire with fire and lobs a stuffed animal much like the five-year old girl he appears to be fighting.
NC: Boy, I knew toys made in China were made of lead, but that's pushing it.
CR (vo) So Batman chases Baby Doll into, where else, an abandoned funhouse, where one of the best superheroes is startled by bursts of steam and continues to get his ass handed to him by the murderous moppet.
Baby Doll: Game's over, Mr. Batman. Ha ha ha. I win.
(Batman shoots her doll out of her hand)
Baby Doll: No fair.
NC (vo): And right it looks like the whole thing's gonna start over, we get one of the most memorable climaxes in the show's history.
(Baby Doll approaches a mirror and sees her adult body)
BD: Look, that's me in there. The real me. There I am. ... But it's not really real, is it? Just made up and pretend, like the family and my life and everything else. (Batman approaches her in one of the mirrors) Why couldn't you just let me make believe? (She shatters all the mirrors including the one with her real self, but starts sobbing when she runs out of bullets but continues to fire. Batman takes it from her, and she hugs him) I didn't mean to.
(Cut to CR and NC with sad faces)
CR: Good episode, huh?
NC: Uh, yeah, real good. Makes me want to lift weights and shit.
CR (vo): Now the second episode featuring her was toward the end of the series run. It was called "Love is a Crock." It starts with Baby Doll working the lobby of a hotel in Gotham.
NC (vo): Where?
CR (vo): Right there!
NC (vo): Where? I don't see ...Wow! Uh, what the hell happened to her?
CR (vo): Well, this was after the big redesign. See, after Superman cartoon, they started using the same design on Batman. The redesigns were ... not kind to the villains. For example, Baby Doll here lost her ... Baby-ish Doll-ish quality.
Husband: You used to be somebody, didn't you? On TV? Yeah, yeah, you were Baby Doll! You had that disease.
Baby Doll: It's a condition not a disease. I don't grow.
Husband: Right. Right. So you went nuts and tried to kill Batman.
Wife: Harry, that's enough!
Husband: (pulls at her hair) See, she's Baby Doll.
Husband: Come on, Baby. Do something funny.
Baby Doll: (slams his head into her book) Sorry! I didn't mean to.
Joker (The Dark Knight): And I thought my jokes were bad!
Baby Doll: Why don't they ever understand? I'm not a baby! I'm not a child! I'm just different.
CR (vo): But faster than you can say "plot convenience," Baby Doll just happens to tune in to the trial of Killer Croc because apparently they air that sort of stuff in Gotham.
Judge: Have you anything to say on your behalf before I pass judgement?
Croc: Yeah, I'm a victim of prejudice. Look at me. Nobody understands how rough my life's been just cause I'm different.
NC: Pft. Does he really think that's a good excuse for being a criminal? I mean, look at Nightcrawler or The Thing. They looked different and they were superheroes.
CR: Yeah but they're Marvel and this is DC. You can't be a hero in the DC universe unless you're pretty.
NC: That's crazy.
CR (vo): No I'm serious. Just look at the Justice League. They're practically all supermodels.
CR: And if you still don't believe me, just ask Linkara about what they did to Etta Candy.
NC: Who's Etta Candy?
NC: ... ...
NC (vo): Anyway, Killer Croc breaks loose because of ... will power, I guess.
Baby Doll: (watching TV) Go. Go.
NC: I'M ACTING!!!
NC: (vo): But luckily, Batman shows up to restrain the rampaging reptile just in time for ... Wait a minute! How did she get to the fight so fast. She was clearly sitting in her room moments ago.
NC: How do you explain that Mr. I Know Everything About Nothing.
CR: Well, it's obvious they ... They got these things called Boom Tubes ... Well, whenever the flash runs backward ... Superboy Prime ...
NC: You got nothing.
CR: I got nothing.
CR (vo): So of course, Baby Doll feels sorry for Croc and visits her kindred spirit in prison.
Croc: What do you want?
Baby Doll: I heard what you said to the judge and I want you to know that I understand about being different. Never let the way you look undermine your self-confidence. I admire that. I feel some how that we're kindred spirits.
Croc: Too bad we didn't meet sooner, Babe! They're sending me up the river tomorrow night. My number's up.
Baby Doll: Don't lose hope. Maybe fate will take a hand.
NC (vo): So if you haven't guessed already, Baby interrupts the prison transport and OH MY GOD! THAT REDESIGN IS CREEPY!
CR (vo): Well, it gets creepier.
Baby Doll: Hugs. Now Baby Doll and Precious be together forever.
NC (vo): So yeah. Flash forward a bit and they become a couple that robs banks and lives from the sewer.
Croc: All right. All right. Enough of the mushy stuff. I went out to get our reviews.
Baby Doll: (sees a newspaper article) Ooh. Bonnie and Clyde. How romantic!
NC: Yes. Bonnie and Clyde. One of the greatest love stories ever told.
(Cut to film version of Bonnie and Clyde with the two being assaulted by tommy guns)
CR: (plugging his ears) THEY SAY IT'S THE MOST HONEST LOVE THERE IS.
NC: (plugging his ears) BEAUTIFUL!
CR (vo): Meanwhile, Batman and Batgirl are on patrol in the Bat Boat.
Batgirl: You sure about this?
Batman: So far, all their robberies have been near water. Baby Doll's playing towards her man's strength.
NC (vo): My god, who would've guessed that a crocodile man who can swim in the water would be swimming in the water. Why, you'd have to be...
(The World's Greatest Detective)
CR (vo): So using the detective and ninja's greatest tool, dumb luck, the two come across Baby Doll and Croc's robbery in progress.
Raoul Puke (vo): We can't stop here. This is Bat Country!
CR (vo): A scuffle ensues and once again, Batman is bested not by Killer Croc but by Baby Doll. If only this casino boat had a hall of mirrors.
Croc: Blast the bat! This could've been a big one, then he had to show up.
NC (vo): As if there wasn't enough trouble in Paradise Lost, Baby Doll finds out that Croc has been two-timing her but she seems to take it well.
Baby Doll: In fact, Baby has a new plan to make us bazillions of dollars.
Croc: Yeah, this the big one?
Baby Doll: The bestest. Gonna keep Baby and Precious warm forever and ever.
(She gives off an evil grin while they stare at each other)
NC: (as Croc): Well ... Ok then!
CR (vo): So what is Baby's new plan? Well, it involves a nuclear power plant so you KNOW its sane.
Croc: So, now what? We go to the cops and make our payoff, right?
Baby Doll: No, we don't do anything.
Croc: What? What're you saying?
Baby Doll: The Kewpie Doll knows all about your little excursions down at the docks. I won't let you betray me again. When the reactor reaches critical mass, you and I will die together and take all of Gotham with us.
Croc: Are you nuts? Shut this thing down now.
Baby Doll: You do it. You know, solo.
CR (vo): I like how he looks at the controls like he's actually trying to figure it out. (As Croc) Let's see, first I lie motionless under the surface of the body of water, then I wait for a caribou to get close enough and ... No, no, that's not it.
(Batman breaks in and pushes Croc to the ground)
Croc: She's crazy! She's gonna nuke the whole ...
(Batman kicks him in the head)
NC: (as Batman): No criminal will finish an important sentence while I'm around.
Batman: Can you stop it?
Batgirl: In a minute, you'll know or won't care.
CR (vo): So as Batgirl tries to get the reactor under control, Batman, Killer Croc, and Baby Doll have a threeway tussle.
NC: I'm still ACTINNNNNGGGG!!!
Batman: Croc, no!
(Killer Croc pulls apart a hot steam pipe and gets blasted)
(Burnt Lipped Alligator Moment)
Baby Doll: You shouldn't have done it, Crocky! You shouldn't have made Baby angry. We could've been so happy and lived happily ever after just like on TV.
CR: (as Batgirl) Good news, I got the reactor back to norm...
NC: So that's her last appearance, right?
CR: Well, yes and no.
CR (vo): See, there is this one part in an episode of the latest Batman series, Brave and the Bold. It's an episode entitled Invasion of the Secret Santas. A villain called Funhouse is terrorizing the city with toys on Christmas and its up to Batman and Red Tornado to stop him. Now tell me if this doll that Funhouse has in his hands looks familiar.
Doll: Christmas if my favorite time of year. Won't you play with me? (Starts ticking)
Batman: ... ... It's a bomb!
(The World's Greatest Detective)
CR (vo): You have truly fallen into obscurity when you get bit parts over villains like Kite Man!
NC (vo): Well, that sucks. I mean, she seemed like a really good character. She had an interesting backstory. She was clever and sinister but still really sympathetic, and not only was she a genius with gadgets and machinery, she was also pretty athletic. In a lot of ways, she seemed like the perfect Batman villain. I wonder why she was never used again.
CR (vo): Well, I want to say it might be hard to justify Batman fighting a little girl but they always go out of their way to remind us that she's not a little girl. Then again, some characters don't get the dues they deserve.
CR: Now do you understand what I do in relation to what you do?
NC: You know, I think I do.
CR: And maybe you can take a lesson about what happens when you get obsessed about someone taking your spotlight.
NC: It'll stunt my growth?
CR: ... Yeah, exactly.
NC: Well, what I do know for sure is: I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
CR: And I'm CR. ... Nice to meet you all. By the way, can I keep the camera?
NC: Sure, as long as I get the basket back.
NC: So, why all the buttons on the leather jacket?
CR: I don't know. Why the AC/DC look?