March 26, 2011
(Exterior shot of the Hampton Inn and Suites)
NC (voiceover): (as music from The Truman Show plays, he talks in a low, exhausted voice similar to Max Payne, and will do so for the rest of the review; there are camera shots of him tossing and turning on his hotel bed, plus a shot of him staring out a window) Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, but just barely. I’m at a con in Ohio called Animarathon, but that’s not the reason I’m making this video. I’m making this video because…I have nothing to review. Oh, I saw a movie—Good fuck God, I saw a movie!—but it is a film that’s so dumb, so ridiculous, so not engaging, that I literally have nothing to say about it. It’s the first time that’s ever happened, and I wonder if I can ever review again because of it. This genocide of imagination goes under the name…“Baby Geniuses.” (He crosses his eyes and collapses backward on the bed)
(The movie’s title screen is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
(The camera pans around NC as he stares at it expressionless in a voiceover; Cut next to him lying in bed clutching a pillow)
NC (voiceover): God help me for its sins. All I can do is sit here and ponder how. How could this film have made so little an impact? Well, let’s start at the beginning.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): At first, I wrongfully raised my expectations when I see the director is Bob Clark, the same director of A Christmas Story but where that film came from actual geniuses, this is…Baby Geniuses.
BabyCo Security Guard #1: It’s out!
NC (voiceover): We see the film begins with an overuse of wide-angle lens. I guess this is supposed to signify that we’re in a weird, off-putting place, but really, we know it’s because the director and/or cinematographer wants to prove that he’s edgy or avant-garde. ‘Course, it doesn’t make him look avant-garde when everybody else at the same time is also fucking doing it!
BabyCo Security Guard #1: Go in back, toward the fountain!
BabyCo Security Guard #2: (speaking through a microphone in the helicopter high above) He’s approaching the fountain!
NC (voiceover): We see a baby try to escape, but thank God, they know how to poorly Photoshop their heads into a little person’s body. This seems to save the day.
BabyCo Security Guard #1: Stop him!
NC (voiceover): But we then see one of the people who runs the place, played by a survivor of being frozen, Christopher Lloyd.
Dr. Heep (Christopher Lloyd): Tomorrow, you’ll explain how a mere toddler managed to escape from the laboratories 25 stories below.
NC (voiceover): Again, you see that avant-garde wide-angle lens! It looks like he’s trying to squeeze his head through the frame and try to get out of this fucking picture! I wouldn’t blame him.
Dr. Heep: Take him to the secret lab.
NC (voiceover): He then looks up information on the kid that…well…obviously, he already knows.
Dr. Heep: (talks into a computer) Review project in summary form.
Female Computer Voice: Twin-com is designed to prove the superiority of the “Kinder” method of child-rearing. Two years ago, twin brothers Sylvester and Whit were born to a specially selected surrogate mother.
NC (voiceover): (talks through his clenched teeth) He helped put this shit together. How can he not know this?
Female Computer Voice: They were adopted into the home of her niece. Baby Sly was placed in the Baby-Co hybrid developmental habitat.
NC (voiceover): Yes, everything! He clearly must have been there when all of this was being discussed. Why does he need to hear this again?
Female Computer Voice: It is imperative for the integrity of this experiment that no one ever discover that Sly and Whit are twins.
NC (voiceover): What, does he just get off hearing the computer’s voice?
Female Computer Voice: To establish conclusively the superiority.
Doc Brown (from "Back to the Future"): (audio, dubbed over Dr. Heep) Great Scott, this is heavy!
NC (voiceover): Speaking of hot voices in disappointing situations, Kathleen Turner is in this movie, as the woman who runs the family-friendly BabyCo. They specialize in opening up theme parks and psychologically torturing our youth. Much like this film, I’m sure.
Theme Park Announcer: (speaks while a giant, creepy-looking animatronic baby walks through the park) Has anyone lost a baby? A very big baby?
NC (voiceover): (stands up to stare off-screen in horror) My God! I suddenly remember. The baby animatronic! (a demonic choir from Lord of the Rings begins to sing as the mascot’s creepy face is shown) Sweet Jesus alive! No one should ever have to see that! This is supposed to be one of the mascots at the theme park, and yet, strangely enough, it looks like the horrifying love-child of Andre the Giant and Gollum!
Baby Bunting (the giant baby mascot): Aww, what a sweet name. Give Baby Bunting a BIG hug.
NC (voiceover): No child should be forced to see this. They’d shit their pants if they saw this coming towards them!
Baby Bunting: Aww, what a sweet name. (A screaming scary demon face is shown over Baby Bunting’s face; NC curls his fingers over his face into a fist in anguish and pain)
Dr. Elena Kinder (Kathleen Turner): Now, everything is fully controlled by our computerized command center. (waves to two men in a control tower) Hiya, fellas!
Control Man #1: Give me Baby Bunting Vocal. (speaks into a microphone) What’s your name…
Baby Bunting:…little girl?
NC (voiceover): (sarcastic) Yes, that makes sense. Why pay a kid a couple bucks an hour to put on a costume when you can pay TWO people THOUSANDS of dollars to do the exact same thing with computers? Except, you know, make it the fuck little more creepy. (The same scary face from before appears on Baby Bunting’s face briefly and screams) I wouldn’t mind so much, except that this baby effect actually looks more convincing than the OTHER baby effects!
(Cut to footage of activity going on at Animarathon and the smiling faces of the attendees as NC walks through the con)
NC (voiceover): But it only got worse. As I walked through the con seeing all the happy faces and their cheerful costumes, I knew…that they…had not seen “Baby Geniuses.” (whispers) How I envy them. (normal voice) It made me think about the so-called experiments that the scientists ran on these babies.
(Back to the movie, there is an experiment where a baby randomly plays on a synthesizer in a room next to a female assistant, and the music is translated into a computer)
Dr. Heep: We’ve had a couple computers analyze every possible permutation. What we hear as incoherent noise may actually be a musical masterpiece. Listen to the computer’s interpretation of Basil’s playing.
NC (voiceover): “The computer’s interpretation”? The fuck does that mean?
Dr. Heep: It has all the complexities of a symphony of a Haydn or a Beethoven.
NC (voiceover): I think it just means…the computer made it up. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s what its saying. You can take this sound…(a fart sound effect)…but through a computer’s bullshit interpretation…(Beethoven’s “Ode to Joy” plays)
(A photo of a human butt is shown with an arrow pointing to it and the caption “Next Mozart; “Mozfart”?)
NC (voiceover): And then we get horrific-ness. The babies actually start to talk. And yes, it is fucking…fucking creepy.
Sly: What do you think? Should I enlighten her?
Lexi (a girl baby): She wouldn’t understand. She doesn’t speak our language.
Sly: (to Dr. Kinder) Listen, Doc, if you’re gonna talk out of your ass all the time, maybe you should wear a bowtie on your butt!
NC (voiceover): Oh, look, the baby said “ass.” He sweared in Baby Geniuses, as if this movie was honestly trying to market itself to an older audience. Yeah, let’s face it, movie, you’re made for rocks.
(A photo of a boulder is shown before returning to the film)
Lexi: Their syntax is chosen.
Basil: It’s ‘cause it watches television all the time.
Teddie (another girl baby): How’s he do that?
Basil: He converts the monitors.
NC (voiceover): So, yeah, the babies can talk their own language. Why don’t YOU remember this when you were a baby? Get a load of this: Because, apparently, babies go through changes where they just totally forget all about their genius and become every-day people. Yeah, bet you didn’t fucking know that, did you?
(Cut to NC walking through the convention angry and clenching his teeth)
NC (voiceover): Babies start off geniuses, and then turn into everyday morons, like the fucking IDIOTS that actually WROTE this script!
NC: (yells at an attendee) RIDICULOUS, HUH?! (He walks away)
NC (voiceover): Anyway, apparently, Turner has a niece, played by Kim Cattrall.
Dan (Peter MacNicol): I think she’s just goal-oriented, is all.
Robin (Kim Cattrall): Believe me, I know it. I lived with her more than half my life.
Dan: And look how great you turned out.
NC (voiceover): Oh, really? Kim Cattrall is Kathleen Turner’s niece. Uh-huh, yeah, and Larry King is the nephew of Justin Bieber. (Photos of Larry King and Justin Bieber are shown) They run a day-care center at home where the twin brother (Whit) also lives. Oh, and I forgot to mention this:
(A young male teenager walks out of his room in regular teenage clothes colored in pink; even his hair is dyed pink!)
Robin: Oh, nice ‘do, Dickie.
Dickie: Pink is cosmic, a’ight?
NC (voiceover): My God, it’s Mr. Creosote’s homosexual son. (A picture of Mr. Creosote from “Monty Python’s Meaning of Life” is shown in comparison with Dickie)
(NC walks through the convention)
NC (voiceover): Booze. I must have booze. (takes out his alcohol bottle to unscrew the top)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): Apparently, this is Dickie. Appropriate name. He’s trying to get fired from the day-care center. Appropriate motivation, too. You know, it’s really sad when this is the most identifiable character. But as you probably imagined, Sly breaks out again and sees if the other babies want to come with him.
Sly: (whispers) Lexi! Lexi!
Lexi: (wakes up) You’re out.
Sly: Come with me.
Lexi: (shows no reaction to being scared, but is smiling instead) I wanna, but I’m too scared.
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, she looks really scared. Is that why she’s smiling and acting like she’s having a good time? Fucking morons.
Sly: (climbs into a laundry hamper filled with used diapers) Not exactly aromatherapy.
NC (voiceover): So Sly gets out through the dirty diaper laundry—which begs the question: They know karate, but they’re still not toilet-trained?—and they literally say the same joke four times in the span of ten minutes.
(Clips of Sly saying the line repeatedly are shown)
Sly: Diaper gravy. Diaper gravy. Diaper gravy.
Rottwelier: (whines with the following caption shown) Diaper gravy!! (It runs away through an alley)
NC (voiceover): Yeah. The exact same fucking joke. No added joke, no lead-up to another punch-line.
(NC walks through the con)
NC (voiceover): Just repeating…the exact same line…FOUR…FUCKING…TIMES.
(NC punches a guy in rage before walking on)
NC (voiceover): Madness. Madness upon stupidity.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): There are scenes of a kid running unattended and sitting in the middle of the street, and yet ALL the pedestrians are, like, (a green arrow points to a pedestrian waiting to cross the street) “Heh, whatever. Not my kid.” And just to make things worse, he decides to hide out inside a mall and partakes in…
(Sly does a disco dance to the “Stayin’ Alive” song; his head is Photoshopped over a little person)
NC (voiceover): No! NO! Good God! (brief footage of Star Trek: TOS featuring an alien monster clearly in a costume is shown) Even the original Star Trek series look more convincing than that! Y-You can’t even squint your eyes and make that look convincing! (Sly’s dancing continues) Crispity chocolatey Jesus! I’d rather be watching the talking babies from the Super Bowl commercial! (footage from that commercial is shown) Oh, yeah! I fucking said it. I’d rather be watching the Super Bowl babies than watching this shit! (the caption "SUPER BOWL BABIES!" is shown over the commercial) Super Bowl Babies, people! SUPER BOWL BABIES!
(NC stops his walk through the con to look at his phone)
NC (voiceover): Crap. I got a Q&A panel I have to go to. But how can I approach them in this state? How can I possibly face them after what I’ve seen?
(NC sits before an audience and says nothing at first)
NC: (stands up after a long pause and points at the audience) FUCK YOU ALLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!
(NC walks through the con)
NC (voiceover): Well, that didn’t go well. But who could blame me? The movie only got worse.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): The next day, the kid walks around the mall, and NOW, suddenly, everybody notices him. Yeah, sitting in the middle of the street isn’t conspicuous, but walking around in a mall, where kids are seen every day? That’s an eye-opener.
(Sly and Whit scream at the sight of each other in a playground set)
NC (voiceover): As luck would have it, of course, he runs across the twin brother, and the BabyCo people find him and accidentally take the wrong one.
NC (voiceover): Again, this doesn’t look conspicuous! People put babies in bags all the fucking time! Why should that turn heads?
Robin: Whit? I thought we dressed you in overalls. That’s strange.
NC (voiceover): So the parents get Sly and BabyCo gets Whit.
Dr. Heep: Tears. Can this be guilt for a threatening our great work?
(Whit starts crying)
Dr. Kinder: I want all to see this little boy who has jeopardized everything we worked for.
NC (voiceover): OK, however you got this kid to cry, it wasn’t worth it. Nothing you did to this kid to make him cry was worth “Baby Fucking Geniuses.” He should be out playing or, I don’t know, being a baby! Whatever you had to do – squeeze his foot, pull a hair, I don’t care – whatever made him fucking cry, it wasn’t worth this goddamn abomination!
(NC continues his walk through the con)
NC (voiceover): And then it suddenly hits me: babies can’t act. They’re not supposed to act. They’re fucking babies! It never looks like they know what they’re saying in this movie – it’s just babies being babies and they throw some dialogue over it. It’s basically just freakin’ home movies with a budget! Why make an entire movie around something that can’t act? Why didn’t the director know any better? Why did anybody green-light this? (His face is now contorted in rage and his inner voice raises to a shout) Why did anybody think there were any possibilities for this film?! (He suddenly stops and stares at something to his left, which turns out to be a blue wall) My God! I’ve found peace! (Cut to his placid expression) Just looking at this wall is giving me so much more than this movie ever could. It’s giving me little, but it’s taking away nothing…unlike “Baby Geniuses.” (Cuts back to the wall) I’m…hypnotized by it. (He suddenly looks away from it) Avert your eyes from its brilliance. There is so much more to recollect. (walks away)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So Sly’s new parents are amazed that he can turn into a midget and can do backflips, but BabyCo finds out about the switch and, of course, try to get him back.
Goon Bob: Now, guess you’ll expect me to step over this ski, and then you’ll jump on the end, and the end will jump up and hit me in the gonads, and I’ll scream and make a funny face and fall down the stairs, isn’t that right? Eh? Well, I think you’ve seen too many bad movies, pal.
NC (voiceover): Incredible. This movie is literally describing why this joke isn’t going to work.
(Sly throws an iron at the goon, but the goon dodges it and steps over the ski, then Sly jumps on the ski’s other end, causing a see-saw effect on the ski, which hits the goon in the crotch, leaving him to yelp, make a funny face and fall down the stairs)
NC (voiceover): Great. It’s good to know the jokes you just said are only in bad movies made it into this bad movie. Oh, and just like the “Diaper gravy” line, they do the exact same thing immediately after. I am NOT even kidding; it’s word for word.
Goon Ray: You really think I’m gonna walk over that ski, and you’re gonna jump on the end and that ski’s gonna come up and hit me in the gonads…
NC (voiceover): Did I just…push the “Rewind” on the remote? It’s the exact same joke!!
Goon Ray: And I’m gonna scream and make a funny face and fall down the stairs?
NC (voiceover): You did this! Moves to the left, throws the thing, hop on the ski, hits to the nuts! It’s the same thing! IT’S THE EXACT SAME FUCKING—(pauses) I’m going back to the wall.
(Cut to NC staring at the blue wall)
NC (voiceover): (stares at the wall for mental relief, but then shields his eyes from it with one hand) No. Must get through this. (leaves)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So we find out that babies are telepathic…
(Cut to NC staring at the blue wall again)
NC (voiceover): Damnit! (leaves again)
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So Sly and Whit communicate with each other and plan a jailbreak. Sly hypnotizes one of the caretakers played by Dom DeLuise into driving them to BabyCo. Oh, I’m sorry, AFTER he makes him pick his nose. I guess we haven’t really dabbed all into the low-brow humor yet, huh?
(Cut to the babies chanting while riding a school bus)
Babies: 1, 2, 3, 4, 1, 2…3, 4!
NC (voiceover): So Whit’s sister tries to tell the parents what’s going on, and her father, played by Peter MacNicol, actually understands her gibberish. Why?? Oh, no real reason. He’s just been working for years trying to “translate” what babies are saying, and has been studying their “language” for quite some time.
Dan: It’s like this language, and I used to speak it. I’ve just…forgotten it, except for once in a while.
NC (voiceover): Not to whip out an overused common phrase, but…SIMPSONS DID IT!
Dougie (from “South Park”): Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!
Carrie (Sly’s sister): (babbles something incoherent) Potty talk.
NC (voiceover): The only downside is, Peter MacNicol gets the translation a little mixed up.
Vigo (from “Ghostbusters 2”): (dubs over Carrie) I, Vigo, the scourge of Carpathia, the sorrow of Moldavia command you!
Janosz Poha (from “Ghostbusters 2”): (dubs over Dan) Ohh! Command me, Lord!
NC (voiceover): So the babies go to BabyCo and get all the babies out using the animatronic dummies.
Sly: OK, let’s get ready to move out.
NC (voiceover): Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to…your nightmares for the next few weeks.
(Chaos ensues with the BabyCo guards fighting against the attacking mascots)
Baby Bunting: Baby want a hug! (punches a guard)
(Cut to a Santa mascot using his toy bag to beat a guard on the head, and a creepy clown using teeth-chattering toys for a weapon)
Dr. Kinder: SYLVESTER!
(The caption “JESUS!” is shown, and it flashes; An astronaut mascot shoots Dr. Kinder and Dr. Heep in the back with a laser gun)
NC (voiceover): Who the fuck would put lasers on a children’s mascot?! Let them work at Disney World and they’ll give Mickey Mouse a fucking Uzi! (A photo of a Mickey Mouse mascot firing an Uzi machine gun is shown briefly)
(A brief cut of a security screen focusing on Dr. Kinder holding her head in a state of panic and running about is shown)
Sly: (talking like Austin Powers) Oh, behave, baby!
NC (voiceover): Well, thank God that’s not dated.
(A shot of Dr. Heep riding a roller coaster is shown)
NC (voiceover): So Kathleen Turner gets Whit up to the roof because she wants the dumber one now for some reason, and the kid’s parents try to stop her.
Robbins: Auntie Elena!
NC (voiceover): At first, this looks cool, like they’re gonna fly around the city or something, but nope! They just stay confined to the roof. I guess they shouldn’t have blown all their money on that INCREDIBLE dancing effect!
Robbins: Is that you, Elena?
Dr. Kinder: Oh, for heaven’s sake, stop calling me that! I am NOT your aunt!
NC (Voiceover): Oh, we also find out that Kathleen Turner ISN’T Kim Cattrall’s aunt. Wow, no fucking shit! Next thing you’ll be telling me, Michael Jackson actually had a few facelifts when he was alive! (a mugshot of Michael Jackson is shown)
M. Night Shamalayan (from “Robot Chicken”): What a twist!
NC (voiceover): So everyone gets rescued safely and wouldn’t you know it? Both boys go through the “change,” so they’re just everyday little boys with no genius minds now.
Dan: (to Carrie) You’re not gonna tell me a thing, are you? (she shakes head no) Nope.
Robin: Honey, I think she’s trying to tell you this is the way things are supposed to be.
NC (voiceover): Ohh, so this is how it’s supposed to be? Is that sensation in my mouth trying not to vomit a regular occurrence?
(A country song begins to play over the babies with the following lyrics being sung)
Off-screen singer: An angel told me, “Always, you will be.”
NC (voiceover): And then, for whatever reason, they just show clips from the movie, even the especially horrendous ones! (The caption “Except it Somehow Looks Worse” is shown) Did they…really think we would forget this abominable cockstorm so quickly? Yeah, I really want to see this fuck again! Please, pad this out some more! I wish this ass-shit would never fucking end!
(Cut to NC lying in his hotel bed exhausted)
NC (voiceover): And in a way, it never does. Oh, if only I could forget. If only there was something I could say about it. (He stands at the window of his hotel room to stare outside) If only it didn’t suck out all my creativity. If only it didn’t make me want to sit here and do nothing. (sits on the bed rubbing his eyes and face) If only…I had anything left. (He collapses on the bed face-first and stays that way for a few moments until he quickly gets up, sensing a revelation) Wait a minute! I just did a review. All that talk about having no impact on the human mind? That technically counts! What’s the running time? (He looks off-screen to check the time and is happy) 18 minutes? That’s perfect! Oh, my God, I’m whole again! (He starts to leave his room but then stops) Wait a minute. My Q&A panel! (He checks his phone) I have another one. It’s coming up soon! This is it. I can finally do it appropriately. (He leaves the room to head for his panel with a smile on his face) I can finally show these people the true creativity I have in my mind!
(Cut to the audience waiting for NC to speak)
NC: (stands up to point and yell at the audience) FUCK YOU ALLLLLLLLL!!!!!!
Channel Awesome Tagline—Baby Bunting: Baby want a hug! (Scary demon face screaming)