Baby Geniuses 2
July 17, 2012
(Much like the first Baby Geniuses review, we begin outside a hotel with the Critic doing a voiceover. This time, we are at ConnectiCon as it appears in a subtitle)
NC (vo): Well, it happened again. I saw a film that was so horrible that it completely knocked the senses out of me. Only this time...
(Cut to Critic on his hotel bed, for you see...)
NC (vo): ... it left me in a comatose state. Whenever will I learn?
(Suddenly, Brentalfloss and Uncle Yo come into the picture)
Floss: What do you think, Uncle Yo?
Yo: I don't know, Brentalfloss. Why would we bother using our names with each other if we already know each other?
NC (vo): (sighs, whispers) You stupid dumbasses! It's to introduce who you are.
Floss: Why? We were both in your reviews.
NC (vo): It's in case people forgot.
Floss and Yo: Forgot?
(They then talk at the same time. Yo mentions his Ponyo cameo)
NC (vo): Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! ... Try it again.
Floss: (softly) Whatever.
(They go off-screen then come back on)
Floss: Hmm! What do think ... Uncle Yo?
Yo: I don't know ... you. Have you ever seen the Nostalgia Critic like this?
Floss: Well, once, when he watched "Baby Geniuses."
(Upon saying that, both Yo and Floss become scared and concerned)
Yo: My God! You don't think that... get the laptop!
Floss: (checking it) Baby Geniuses 2 was downloaded on Netflix.
Yo: Damn fool!
Floss: Damn! Damn fool!
Yo: He's got a panel in an hour! We got to wake him up!
(The two attempt to wake him up as the Critic continues narrating)
NC (vo): I knew they were trying to help, but it was no use, for I had seen that which could not be unseen once it had been seen by unseen eyes. I had witnessed "Baby Geniuses 2."
(Clips of the movie start)
NC (vo): The idea alone that the first film was popular enough to warrant a sequel is shocking enough, but the fact that it has an even bigger budget, more effects, and the BALLS to actually continue a story that nobody outside the disturbed mental ward would want to see continued is enough to send anyone into a comatose state.
(Cut back to the Critic)
NC (vo): God help me!
Yo: This isn't working! Try shock therapy.
Floss: Oh, uh, OK. Critic! "50 Shades of Grey" was meant to be taken seriously!
Floss: Well, that would shock me.
Yo: Yeah, I know. I just didn't legitimately know that.
Floss: You want to go read it again?
Yo: That would be very pleasant. Let's do that.
NC (vo): The memory of the film was far too painful.
(Fade in on the film)
NC (vo): It all began with--big shock--babies. Except this time around, they actually got some babies that lip sync their lines okay.
(We see several babies chatting with each other at a day care center)
Archie Bobbins: In English, Finkleman.
Rosita: It’s your mom and dad. Act like babies.
NC (vo): Some of them.
Alex (an African-American baby): What kind of milk you drinking?
Finkleman: Communicating both babies and adults…
NC (vo): This kid’s effects are so good, they almost rival the Super Bowl babies. (A clip featuring said babies is shown briefly)
Finkleman: Archie’s father could give Archie a bit more attention sometimes.
NC (vo): And yes, they both are great promotions for violence against children.
Archie: Sit back and let me tell you another story about the legendary Kahuna and his archenemy Captain Kane.
NC (vo): The kids decide to talk about the history of a secret agent called Kahuna.
(Cut to inside of an orphanage bedroom in Germany in the year 1962)
Orphan Girl: (to another boy) I’m scared, Peter.
(A hole is drilled through the ceiling, and a small boy drops in)
Kahuna: Name’s Kahuna, and I’m busting you kids out of here.
NC (vo): You might be thinking the Disney Channel is airing their production of “Schindler’s List,” but this is the backstory of Kahuna, who I guess has a history of saving children from evil research at the Berlin Wall. Because…yeah, most young viewers of this movie know exactly what the Berlin Wall is, and if not, isn’t this a great way to learn about it?
(Cut to Kahuna sneaking around and wearing a black ski mask over his face after rescuing the orphans)
(Kahuna is seen doing professional backflips to quickly get around the place)
NC (vo): Apparently, Kahuna had the power to transform into a 21-year-old stunt gymnast and knew how to rescue children from a bizarre celebrity cameo.
(We see the film's villain, Captain Kane, talking with a German sergeant)
Sergeant: It’s wonderful what you do here, saving orphaned children.
Captain Kane (Jon Voight): I have a soft spot for the gentle laughter of babies.
NC (vo): That’s Jon Voight, by the way. I think they got him because Christopher Walken wasn’t available. His silliness levels reach spectacular heights of awkward.
(Clips of Voight’s awkward performance throughout the film are seen)
Kane: (refers to the tiny umbrella in his drink) I don’t want this umbrella./Seal off the compound!/(uses a rabbit hand puppet) Good news, I hope?/(does a toast with the sergeant) To our work.
NC (vo): Ever wonder what Captain Kangaroo would be like as a Nazi? Of course you haven’t. But the director feels the need to force this freaky reality on you anyway.
(Cut to Kahuna unmasked after coming across Kane and his men)
Kahuna: Don’t I get one last word? (He secretly pushes a button on a flashlight-like device behind himself)
Kane: That’s a little cliché. But I am intrigued. What is your last word?
Kane: (chuckles) “Duck” is your last word?
(From behind some crates, out comes Kahuna’s secret vehicle, and it barrels through Kane and his men, who all fall down to the ground)
NC (vo): Shouldn’t that technically have been “Jump” instead of “Duck”? Oh, well, it’s not like the henchmen would do it, anyway. Most of their job consists of standing perfectly still while a little person does wire work that even Pinocchio would call dated.
Kane: (sits up while lying face forward on the ground) One day, I will be…I will destroy you if it takes me…forever.
NC (vo): (as Kane) Yes, I will destroy your ever-proportionate changing body.
(Back to present day)
Archie: (finishes narrating) That’s exactly how the Kahuna saved the orphans of East Berlin.
(As NC speaks, we see Kane in the present day, making a speech to a large group of people)
NC (vo): Of course, just as they were talking about this guy, he appears years later at their day care, about to promote a new television network. This is a network called Kids Everywhere, which I assume is a just-as-equally evil spinoff of 4Kids. (An image of the 4Kids TV logo appears briefly)
Kane: (speaks to the audience) It is my greatest pleasure to announce the launch of the largest children’s network in television history.
NC (vo): Should somebody tell him they’re no longer holding auditions for “The Carol Burnett Show”?
(Back in the hotel room, Floss and Yo are reading through a book copy of “50 Shades of Grey” together)
Floss: You know who I see playing that role? Queen Latifah.
Yo: Yeah, I always imagined Angela Lansbury.
Floss: Look, we’re getting off-topic. (He puts the book down to speak to the Critic) Critic, look, give us a sign that you can hear us!
Yo: It’s no use, dude. He’s gone too far. I think in a situation like this, he would have wanted us…to go through his wallet. (He moves forward, about to do the deed)
Floss: Wait, wait, wait! Look, maybe he can communicate with us. Critic, if you can hear us, blink.
(Silence passes, and Yo leans forward a bit, expecting a response from the Critic; finally, the Critic blinks once)
Floss: All right!
Yo: Okay, yes!
Floss: He can hear us!
Yo: He can hear us!
Yo: Do you know what this calls for?
Floss: What’s that?
Yo: More “50 Shades of Grey.”
Floss: All right!
(They both read through the book again, and Yo flips through the pages)
Floss: Okay, done that. Done that. Done that. What is that?
Yo: I have a St. Bernard if you want to borrow it.
NC (vo): While those two horny bastards read their “Twilight” porn, I continue to remember the horror of my viewing.
(Fade back to the movie, where we're introduced to a girl named Kylie)
NC (vo): We’re introduced to this teenage girl who looks after the babies at the day care. And, like most attractive girls at that age, she has a heck of a time getting a boyfriend.
Kylie: (to another teenage boy named Brandon) Okay, here it goes. I know it’s usually the guy who asks—
(We briefly see that she holds two Homecoming Dance tickets behind her back)
Brandon: (interrupts) Hey, it’s cool. I was gonna ask you, anyway. I felt kind of weird asking you to tutor me, so…I’m glad you asked me first.
Kylie: Tutor you. Right.
NC (vo): And, like most attractive BOYS at that age, he is far more interested in her brain than her smoking hot body. (sighs) When will the genders learn?
(Finkleman and Rosita have observed how Archie’s father pays little to no attention to his son)
Finkleman: Poor Archie.
NC (vo): Oh, look, the babies are trying to be entertaining again. Oh, how they fail.
Finkleman: I just mean, well, that you quite possibly have aggression issues.
Rosita: Speak for yourself, brain boy.
NC (vo): To this movie’s credit, this is possibly the best form of birth control available. I mean, if for any other reason not to give these people more babies to keep making sequels.
(Cut to Kylie taking the babies out for a walk and passing by three of Kane’s henchmen)
Kane’s Henchman #1: Quit the jabbering and give me the blooming disc.
NC (vo): So the bad guys’ disc, with all their evil plans on it, of course, falls into the babies’ carriage. Rather than do something crazy, like—oh, I don’t know—ask the teenage girl for it back, they decide to scare the shit out of her, chasing her down in their always-terrifying black minivans.
(The bad guys confront Kylie and the babies at another building)
Kylie: Leave us alone!
(Out of nowhere, Kahuna arrives in his secret vehicle)
NC (vo): But Kahuna appears! And don’t freak out; they do explain why he doesn’t age. And we partake in him beating up the world’s prettiest henchmen.
(The fight scene begins with Kahuna running along a wall as the henchmen go after him, and he then grabs a metal pole to spin around with as he kicks at the henchmen)
NC (vo): You know, it’s funny. At times, the effects in this movie are actually pretty good.
(Kahuna aims his flashlight-like device at his vehicle, making it stand on its front wheel and spin itself around)
NC (vo): And then other times, they look like stop-motion Hot Wheels.
(The babies laugh after the fight scene ends)
Kylie: (to Kahuna) Who are you? What are you?
The Terminator (from “Terminator 2”): (audio dubbed over Kahuna) Come with me if you want to live.
Kahuna: No time for small talk. We got to boogie, little lady.
NC (vo): (as Kylie) Wow, I’ve been saved by a baby. This is an early low in my relatively young life.
(After Kahuna, Kylie and the babies get in the minivan, Kahuna drives off with his secret vehicle following behind)
NC (vo): (normal) He takes them to the Hollywood Sign, which, it turns out, is actually a secret location for…
(Kahuna reveals his secret hideout, which is an extravagantly-designed playhouse with a shallow pool)
NC (vo): …Willy Wonka’s Bat Cave.
Willy Wonka (from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”): (audio, sings) There is no life I know to compare with…
Batman (from "Batman Begins”): (audio) Batman.
Kahuna: Want to see my pets?
Finkleman: Yeah. Cool!
(A holographic image of an elephant appears, and it trumpets; Kylie and the babies imitate it together)
NC (vo): I think by this point, the girl has most likely accepted the fact that she’s been gassed. How else could she explain scenes like this?
Holographic Royal British Guard: (speaks to Kylie) Hello, Miss. Care to give the old Imagination Station a go?
NC (vo): Nice. Those British accent lessons from Dick Van Dyke really paid off. But at least there is one real person in the cave: a boy coincidentally the same age as our nanny here.
(That boy, named Zack, speaks with Kylie)
Kylie: How did you meet Kahuna?
Zack: Well, he found me in a Russian orphanage. I was alone and scared. My father died and no one knew where my mom was.
Kylie: Why was he there?
Zack: Oh, he was helping match up parents with their lost kids. He tried but could never find my mom.
NC (vo): (as Kylie) Don’t try to give a valid performance, pal. We both know neither of us are putting this on our resumes.
(We see Kahuna put the three babies into a machine)
NC (vo): (normal) Get a load of this: Apparently, there’s a machine that exposes every baby’s super power.
Imagination Station’s Voice: Archie, your hidden strength is the power of your mind. You are Brain Boy. Quentin Finkleman, you have more strength than you realize. You are Baby Courageous. Rosita, as tough as you are, you have a vast depth of love. You are Cupid Girl.
NC (vo): Oh, bullshit! It’s bad enough that she’s exposed to the Ma-Ti Syndrome, but it’s the girl with the useless emotional power while the boys get all the ones that actually do something. For that matter, am I the only one that finds it interesting that the gifts being given in this movie are brains, heart, and courage?
(Cut to a clip from “The Wizard of Oz”)
Scarecrow: (sings) A brain.
Tin Man: (sings) A heart.
Dorothy: (sings) A home.
Cowardly Lion: (sings) The nerve.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): I’m not sure if that’s supposed to make the black kid Dorothy or Toto, but either way, I’d be insulted. Speaking of the insulting use of black people…
(At the Com Center (which serves as a global communications system), we get an appearance of the actual Whoopi Goldberg on one of the monitors)
Whoopi Goldberg: Mr. K. Oh, finally. Listen, I went to the graduation. Remember the kids we got from Thailand?
Whoopi: My goodness.
NC (vo): I’d make a joke about how phoned in this cameo is, but it’s literally phoned in! She makes the appearance via camera phone! God! I haven’t seen a Whoopi Goldberg call-in cameo this bad since…(cut briefly to a clip from “Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special” with Whoopi calling Pee-Wee Herman)…the other Whoopi Goldberg call-in cameo she did! (Back to the movie) Let’s be fair, though. She probably had a lot more important projects she needed to attend to, like the filming of “Theodore Fucking Rex.” (The movie poster for “Theodore Rex” appears briefly) Actually, it turns out that Kahuna has connections that go even higher up than The View cast members.
Com Center Voice: We have the President online. (President George W. Bush appears onscreen)
Kahuna: Can you hold for a moment, Mr. President?
NC (vo): You know, I would believe at the time that the President was getting his advice from a toddler. Not too far-fetched.
(Back in the hotel room, Yo continues skimming through the book while Floss checks his phone)
Floss: Oh, crap, the Critic’s got a panel in, like, two minutes! I— (He looks to see Yo still reading and knocks the book out of his hands) Will you stop that?
Yo: We can’t let him wander around the hallways like this! What are we gonna do?
(They both are silent to think to themselves, then cut to a Q&A panel with both Floss and Yo each serving as one of Critic’s arms as they sit behind him and imitating his voice)
Floss: Ha-Ha! And that’s why I showed my balls in “Suburban Knights,” and once again, I deeply apologize for it. Any other questions?
Audience Member: What’s your—what’s your favorite review?
Floss: Oh, that would have to be the “Moulin Rouge” review with that fantastic Brentalfloss cameo. That man is a genius, you know.
Yo: Although, on second thought, I do remember having much more fun directing my “Ponyo” review with that wonderful anime comedian Uncle Yo, that devilish handsome man who looks better in a tie than I do.
Floss: (pounds his fist on the table twice) No, no, thinking more clearly about it, I think it is definitely “Moulin Rouge.”
Yo: But I get less retarded momentarily! I remember “Ponyo” was a far better review! Better than you—
Floss: No, much better—no!
(They both argue and bicker while fighting each other with their hands; they eventually stop and are silent)
Yo: Does that answer your question?
Audience Member: Uh, no?
(Floss and Yo pop up from behind the Critic)
Floss and Yo: Tough!
(We go to a commercial break. After that, we go back to the movie)
NC (vo): Here’s something strange. Believe it or not, they actually give a very detailed backstory to the Kahuna kid. Apparently, he drank a formula that his father created that made him super strong and stop the aging process, even though CLEARLY he aged a little from the last time we saw him.
(In a flashback, Kahuna is seen playing baseball with teenage boys and hits a home run)
Teenage Boy: (to another boy after the game) Hey, man, your brother gives everybody the creeps. He’s a freak.
NC (vo): Again, just like MOST boys growing up, they totally hate the kid who’s incredible at sports and has unbelievable strength! This movie so captures the voice of our complex youth, like how, apparently, they (Kylie and Zack) fall in love despite having known each other for less than 24 hours. (Kylie and Zack kiss) Well, I’ve always said relationships are more shallow the closer you get to Hollywood. (A rim shot is heard) Hey, come on, it’s better than half the jokes they’re putting out. But at least we do figure out Captain Kane-garoo’s evil plan.
(At the press conference, Kahuna is in the minivan and uses a secret camera (which is hooked onto Kahuna’s secret helicopter and which he sees on the screen of his laptop) to look into the TV equipment Kane is using to promote the new TV network)
Kahuna: Hold it there, Zack. That box hooked up to the TV is giving enough power to light up Times Square. If this man wants to conquer the world, what better way than television?
NC (vo): Well, there’s the Internet…water…controlling food supply…air. Actually, just about everything would be more effective than television. In fact, I think people would actually rather watch air than television nowadays! What was your next big plan? Hypnotizing people though MySpace? (The logo for MySpace appears briefly)
(Kahuna drives out of the back of the minivan in his secret vehicle. We briefly see a shot of the ceremony, showing a person dressed as a green man dancing on a stage)
NC (vo): But during the big premiere of…Kermit the Frog in “The Jazz Singer,” Kahuna tries to stop them from airing it to the world.
(Kahuna is now seen flying in his secret helicopter above the audience and aims a laser at the TV equipment; however, the laser bounces back, enveloping the whole helicopter and making it disappear into thin air, along with Kahuna)
Kane: It’s alright, ladies and gentlemen!
NC (vo): (as Kane) It’s okay, I just murdered an innocent child. I have money and an accent, so that’s fine. (normal) But our heroes try to tell them what’s really going on.
(Kylie and and the babies attempt to reveal to the crowd Kane's plans)
Kylie: It’s Biscane. There’s some kind of mind-control thing on the show.
Archie: (is outside and points accusingly up at Kane) You’re a real bad, bad, bad, bad man.
(Kane bends down to lean in towards the camera and speak to Archie, mugging the screen)
NC (vo): (is repulsed by the mugging) Ewwwww. No wonder Angelina Jolie is so messed up. If I had to see that through my childhood, I’d probably have some issues, too.
(We see Kahuna imprisoned in a cage)
NC (vo): So they put Kahuna in a cage…that he could easily just walk out of, but he uses his devices that the henchmen left beside him to break out. Gah, haven’t these morons ever watched “Batman”? You have to leave the utility belt in another room! Come on, this is comic book logic.
(Kahuna makes his escape in his helicopter)
NC (vo): Kahuna makes it back to the Scrumdiddlyumptious Cave, but the villains follow.
(Kane and his henchmen confront Kahuna)
Kane: (to Kahuna) I want the disc!
Kahuna: You want it? Come and get it! (He throws the disc a far distance and controls it with a keypad on his wrist, and the villains go after it)
NC (vo): Luckily, Kahuna has the ability to make the disc fly. (Beat) What? You missed the part where he said he could do that? So did everybody!
(The babies suddenly appear and use their superpowers to fight the villains)
NC (vo): But the babies activate their super power baby abilities—God, I hate hyperbolizing this—and they use their special powers to defeat the henchmen. Heck, we even see what Cupid Girl does.
Rosita/Cupid Girl: (fires an arrow at the buttocks of one henchman) Gotcha. (She fires another arrow at the buttocks of another henchman) You can run, but you can’t hide from Cupid Girl.
Kane’s Henchman #2: (stares lovingly into the other henchman’s eyes) I love you, man!
Kane’s Henchman #3: Give me a hug, you big lug! (He and Henchman #2 hug each other)
NC (vo): Ah, so Cupid Girl’s job is to spread the gay, all while forcing them into giant man-piles. I guess they’re right; being gay is not a choice. It’s a small girl with a magic arrow that forces you against your will to make love to the same gender. Now that’s an interesting development, I have to say. But Captain Krau-derouch still manages to get the disc and uses it to start the countdown of hypnotizing people.
Kane: I did it! I did it, I did it!
NC (vo): And we also learn his true identity.
Kahuna: What happened back then wasn’t my fault. You don’t have to keep hating me for it.
Kane: You think I went through all this trouble just because Dad liked you best?
(A 'DUN-DUN-DUUUN' sting is added here)
Arnold (from “Troll 2”): OH, MY GOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDD!
(As NC speaks, we see Kane and the earlier flashback of the teenage boys walking away from Kahuna, revealing that one of the teenage boys was Kane)
NC (vo): He was actually the older brother of Kahuna, AND…I’m not gonna lie. That’s actually a pretty good twist. I’m not even joking. I-I really didn’t see that coming, and it makes total logical sense. (Beat) I mean, for “Baby Geniuses 2”! What doesn’t make sense is this.
Kahuna: Kids, now!
(Archie’s parents help get the babies to leave)
Jean Robbins: Okay, kids.
Stan Robbins: Go, go, go, go.
(Kane simply stands where he is as the others escape)
NC (vo): And stop them. (Beat) And stop them. (Beat) And stop them. (Beat) And stop them. (Beat) And stop them. (Beat) And stop them. (Beat) And—you know, I’m beginning to see why this lazy bastard loses so much. He never puts any goddamn effort into it! God! Don’t ask this guy to design any motivational posters soon.
(Cut to a fake motivational poster that features an image of Kane and the following text spoken by NC imitating Kane)
NC (vo): (as Kane) You Can Do it! Unless you have to climb stairs, in which case, you cannot.
(Back to the movie)
NC (vo): So they (Kahuna, Kylie and Zack) just rewire the programming to hypnotize people to be nice to each other, but Berlin Whack (Kane) here has a plan to use the machine to turn him into a super baby, forgetting that it would turn him into a baby.
Kane: (is now a baby and speaks in his normal voice but speaks in a slow, drawn-out manner) Oh, no. I hate babies.
NC (vo): Goddamn it! Donald Duck was a better Nazi than you! (A brief clip of the Donald Duck cartoon “Der Fuehrer’s Face” is shown)
Kane: (is picked up by a henchman) I’m Bill Biscane, and if you touch my diapers, you’re fired!
NC (vo): So it seems like all the dilemmas in this movie have finally been resolved, except for one that we didn’t even know was supposed to be resolved.
(At the day care, Jane approaches Zack)
Jane: There’s somebody here to see you.
(Zack gets up and stands face to face with another woman)
Zack: Are you my…my mother? Uh…Mom, this is my friend Kylie.
Zack’s Mother: Hi.
Zack: Kylie, this is…my mother. (He hugs his mother as everyone claps)
NC (vo): Uhhh-huhhh. Where was she? How did they find her? What’s her backstory? Why was she gone? How come she has the soulless eyes of an actress who was just shoved out at the last minute? All these questions and more will not be answered by the end of this horrible god-awful shit-storm of a movie! By God, this film is awful!
(Back in the hotel room, Floss holds up an iron)
Floss: Alright, if this doesn’t wake him up, nothing else will.
Yo: Game on! (He does a countdown as Floss prepares to slam the iron at the Critic’s face) One…two…
NC (vo): But the ironic thing about “Baby Geniuses 2” is that, as bad as the film is, it’s still not as horrible as the first one.
Floss and Yo: What?!
(Clips from the movie play again as NC gives his final summation)
NC (vo): Oh, it’s bad; horrendous, even! But at the very least, there was an attempt to put effort into it. I mean, at least there’s some imagination. At least there’s some backstory. At least Jon Voight can get an uncomfortable laugh based on the surrealness of his performance, which is actually much more than I can say for the first one. It’s a terrible movie, but when it comes to comparing the two, this one isn’t quite as painful.
Yo: So, wait, why would it put you in a comatose state?
NC: (comes out of his comatose state to speak normally) It didn’t. I just knew if I convinced the hotel there was more than one person in this room, I’d get a better rate.
Yo: You wasted our Saturday!
Floss: Yeah! What are three grown men, two of them from New York, going to do in a hotel room with a king-sized bed?
(Floss and Yo suddenly look at each other. We then cut to all three of them reading “50 Shades of Grey” in bed, with NC holding the book and frequently flipping through the pages)
Floss: Done that. Done that. I don’t know what that is.
Yo: You’re holding it the wrong way. You have to… (He helps turn the book sideways and smirks) Yeah.
NC: (is shocked by what he’s reading) Oh, that is nasty!
Yo: It’s a classic.
(Suddenly, the hotel room door opens, and three young men (named Lanipator, Takahata101 and Antfish) walk in)
Lanipator: Hey, guys, what are you doing?
NC: Oh, hey, Team Four Star. Oh, we’re just three grown men sitting in a king-sized bed reading “50 Shades of Grey.” You want to join us?
(Team Four Star is silent for a moment)
Lanipator: (simultaneously) Yeah, sure.
Antfish: (simultaneously) Yes.
Takahata101: Yeah, that sounds great.
NC: Awesome! Come on!
Lanipator: All right!
NC: Always room for more.
(All three members of Team Four Star get on the bed to join in)
NC: Do they ever actually have sex in this?
Floss: I dunno.
NC: Hey, you know what would be fun? Let’s read this in different voices.
Everyone: (clamors) Yeah!
NC: Uh, Mickey Mouse?
Antfish: Do it! Do it! Do it!
(During the following activity, the end credits occasionally roll out)
NC: (speaks the text in Mickey Mouse’s voice) “’Please!’ I beg. ‘The crop bites my buttocks. Ow! Please! What? Please, sir!’ I whimper. He smiles at me triumphant!” (He speaks normally again) Uh, who’s got a voice? Who’s got a voice?
Lanipator: I can do Droopy Dog.
Yo: Droopy Dog!
NC: Do Droopy. Yeah.
Lanipator: (speaks the text in Droopy Dog’s voice) “’What’s this?’ He holds the crop up so I can see it. ‘Yes, sir. Are you sure?’ He looked sternly at me. ‘Yes, please, sir. Close your eyes.’”
NC: Who’s got another voice? Who’s got another voice?
Takahata101: I got Liam Neeson.
NC: Liam Neeson! Liam Neeson!
Takahata101: (speaks the text in the voice of Liam Neeson) “I shut the room out—him out, the crop out. He starts small, biting licks from the crop against my belly once more, moving down, soft small licks against my clitoris. Once, twice, three times, he did it again.”
Lanipator: Three times the lady.
Takahata101: (in Liam Neeson’s voice) “Until finally, that’s it. I can take no more, and I cum.”
NC: Who’s got another voice? Who’s got another voice?
Yo: The Monarch!
NC: Monarch! Monarch! Let’s do Monarch!
Yo: (speaks the text in the voice of the Monarch from "The Venture Bros.") “And I cum gloriously, loudly, sagging weakly. His arms hurl around me as my legs turn into jelly. I dissolve into his embrace, my hair against his chest. I’m off and I’m moaning and I’m whimpering as the aftershocks of my orgasm consume me!”
NC: That’s great, that’s great! Who’s got another one?
Floss: I’ll do one. How about Zoidberg?
NC: Zoidberg! Yes! Let’s hear it.
Antfish: Why not Zoidberg?
Floss: (speaks the text in the voice of Dr. Zoidberg from “Futurama”) “He lifts me, and suddenly, we’re moving, my arms still tethered above my head, and I can feel the cool wood of the prowess cross of my back, and he’s popping the button on his jeans. He puts me down against the cross briefly, he does, while he slides on a condom. And then his hands wrap around my thighs as he lifts me again.”
NC: Awesome! Okay, there’s only one way to end this, guys. I think we need a Nicholas Cage.
Everyone: (clamors) Nicolas Cage!
Antfish: Where are we?
NC: Top of the page.
Antfish: All right. (He speaks the text in the voice of Nicolas Cage) “’Lift your legs, baby. Wrap them around me. I feel so weak.’ But I do as he says as he wraps my leg around his hands.”
Lanipator: This is better than “Con Air.”
Antfish: “With one thrust, he’s inside me, and I cry out again, listening to his muffled moans in my ear.”
(Everyone laughs at the impersonation)
NC: This is the best party ever.
Everyone: Yeah! Woo!
(Everyone raises their hands above themselves and slap each other’s hands wildly)
Antfish: I'm the only one here who's not white!
(They all holler and laugh insanely; eventually, this calms down)
Floss: I need some hand sanitizer.
(Everyone agrees and gets off the bed, except for Yo, who curls up in a ball, clutching a pillow)
Takahata101: I’m gonna go jerk off.
Antfish: I feel great.
Lanipator: I call the bathroom.
Takahata101: I called the bathroom first!
Antfish: Let’s all go. What’s wrong with that?
Takahata101: Cross the streams! (Noticing Yo on the bed, he grabs for him) You’re coming with us, buddy.
(Yo yelps as he is pulled off the bed and goes off-screen)
Channel Awesome Tagline—Baby Kane: I’m Bill Biscane, and if you touch my diapers, you’re fired!