July 14, 2009
NC: Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t booby. I mean, uh…boobies with the...booby boobies with the…booby booby boobies! (pauses) Yeah, today’s film is “Barb Wire.”
(The title screen of the movie is shown, followed by a montage of clips from the movie)
NC (voiceover): Uh-huh. You all remember hearing about this? The Pamela Anderson comic book movie about a superhero who also happens to be a stripper? It’s just like that god-awful cartoon she starred in, “Striperella.” You know, that had the exact same premise of the superhero stripper?
NC: Except where “Striperella” was a horrible piece of horseshit, “Barb Wire” is…there is no difference between “Barb Wire” and “Striperella.”
NC (voiceover): It’s blatant, it’s stupid, and the only reason it exists is because Pamela Anderson has boobies; Large, large, LARGE, large boobies.
NC: (laughs) And if for some reason you forgot that, the film reminds you constantly! Don’t believe me? Let’s drive right into this shit-storm and find out why this film is so bad.
(The movie begins)
NC (voiceover): OK, let’s take a look at our very first opening scene. (A stripper starts dancing and flipping her hair around and the opening credits are shown) Yeah, you’re starting to see why this movie was made.
Background Singer: Brother, your sister and your mama, too / You’re about to go down and you know just what to do.
(As the dancing keeps on going, NC watches the scene in admiration with his head resting on both hands)
NC (voiceover): Oh, I forgot to mention, there’s also a boring backstory read off by the narrator.
(Cut to a title card labeled “The Second American Civil War”; The following text is scrolled up as the narrator speaks)
Narrator: The old democracy is overthrown by a tyrannical new group called the “Congressional Directorate.” Every city in the nation is under martial law except for…
(NC gets bored by the narration and uses his hand to move it aside to get back to the stripper dancing so that he could watch it in admiration again and grin; the scrolling text screen bumps back in again)
Narrator: Every city in the nation…
NC: (to himself) God!
Narrator: …is under martial law, except one: Steel Harbor. The last free city…
(NC slides the scrolling text screen only halfway to take a sneak peek of dancing stripper again)
Narrator: …a secluded island of shrinking independence.
(The scrolling text screen pushes the dancing stripper scene away)
Narrator: It is a place marked…
NC: (reacts in surprise and disappointment) Geeze!
Narrator: …by chaos and crime, providing a home for a new kind of mercenary.
NC: Blah, blah, blah, the future sucks. BOOBIES! (He shoves away the scrolling text scene with both hands to view the dancing stripper again and make a goofy laugh in excitement)
NC (voiceover): I wonder if anyone’s even reading the credits right now.
(The credit “Music by Michel Colombier” is shown on the bottom left corner of the screen as the scene continues)
NC: (uninterested) Oh, wow, the *music was done by… (makes a dismissive noise)
*Speaking of music, the song playing in the credits is Word Up (the version played by Gun.) I'm pretty sure some of you were wondering.
NC (voiceover): In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked if they added credits just to keep this scene going longer.
(The fake credits “Catering Service: Seymore Butts, “Emotional Support: I. P. Freely” “Professional Duck Feeder: Amanda Hugenkis” and “Random people who just walked by the set: Jose Ranusi, Hung Loe and 8 Bit Mickey” are shown along with the opening scene)
NC (voiceover): So just when you’re praying the whole movie is nothing but this, the plot sadly rears its ugly head.
Males in the Audience: Awww!
NC: I know, I know, just try to get it over with.
NC (voiceover): So our hero, Barb Wire, lives in a festering hellhole known as Steel Harbor, which takes place in the apocalyptic world of 2017!
NC: I…guess Obama wasn’t the change we needed.
NC (voiceover): We see her working at a strip club as she entertains the owner who I swear is a mix between Peter Lorre and the “Fantasy Island” guy. (images of Peter Lorre and Tattoo (from “Fantasy Island”) are shown side by side)
Strip Club Owner: What are you doing here?
Barb Wire: Looking for a light. (She turns around to face him while holding an unlit cigarette in her hand) Got one?
Strip Club Owner: (chuckles nervously) I don’t smoke.
(Barb Wire blows the cigarette to shoot a bullet at the strip club owner’s forehead, killing him)
Barb Wire: Neither do I.
NC: (as Barb Wire) I only smoke when I star in something horrible. (He brings up many cigarettes in both hands and takes a deep huff through them)
NC (voiceover): So it turns out she’s a bounty hunter who’s sent into the strip club to save a kidnapped girl.
Kidnapped Teenage Girl: Who are you?
Barb Wire: I’m the one who’s getting you out of here. Trust me. (She takes the girl up a flight of stairs to a window, which is locked)
NC: (as Barb Wire) We’re trapped! We’d better make out!
(Barb Wire takes a chair and throws it through the glass, breaking it open; she then readies a grappling hook)
Kidnapped Teenage Girl: What are you doing?!
Barb Wire: Ever see “Batman”?
NC: That depends on whether or not he’s affiliated with the comic this movie is based on.
(Barb Wire and the girl slide down the wire, and the girl screams)
Barb Wire: Shut up! (At the bottom, she starts to run, but then turns around to see that the girl isn’t following her and grabs her) Goddammit...
NC (voiceover): As you can see, Pamela Anderson is the “Shaquille O’Neal” of acting.
Barb Wire: (speaks with no emotion in her delivery) Shut up!
Barb Wire: (speaks with no emotion in her delivery) Goddammit...
Barb Wire: (speaks with no emotion in her delivery) Shit! Come on.
NC: (as Barb Wire) I’m angry. Really.
NC (voiceover): So she gets the girl to her parents who plan to pay her handsomely, but there’s one little problem.
Barb Wire: Cut the shit. Where’s my money?
Kidnapped Teenage Girl’s Father: I can only come up with half the money.
Barb Wire: Fine. I’ll take half your daughter.
NC: (nods) Yeah. (beat) What?
NC (voiceover): So they make a deal by trading their car for the rest of the money, as Miss Wire has a monologue about why things are the way they are.
Barb Wire: (narrates) It was the middle of the Second American Civil War, the worst year of my life.
NC (voiceover): (as Barb Wire) For all I knew how to do was pose on top of cars.
Barb Wire: (narrates) Poor Steel Harbor. What a shithole.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, we cut to…
(Cut to a torture room in which a stripped-down young woman lies on a metal table and hooked up to something, giving sexual moans while several men dressed in black stand around her; NC is disturbed by this)
Colonel Pryzer: (to the woman) Why don’t we start again?
NC: Whose sexual psyche did we just dive into?
Colonel Pryzer: Now…where’s Dr. Corrina Devonshire?
NC: (as Colonel Pryzer) And please answer in the most titillating way possible.
Woman: I told you. (pants some more)
Colonel Pryzer: I abhor torture, but you were just down on your thoughts.
NC: (raises his hands up to start shielding himself away in discomfort) Should I be watching this?
(The machine is turned on, and it shocks the woman into death by orgasm; NC is confused by this)
Machine: Subject terminated.
NC: OK, you clearly have some sexual issues. (He gets out a notepad and pen) Tell me, when did these fantasies of torture enter your mind?
“Barb Wire” Movie: (sits on a couch) Well, I think it was when my mom first took me to a strip club.
NC (voiceover): So the bad guy who’s doing all the torturing is Colonel Pryzer, and he’s out to find a scientist named Dr. Cora D. Apparently, she devised some sort of contact lenses that can protect your identity so the government can’t track you. This’ll prove useful for a resistance that’s fighting against this fascist government that is taking over the world. But enough of that bullshit, here’s some more titties.
(A scene with many female strippers dancing together is shown; NC makes his goofy laugh of excitement again at this)
NC (voiceover): So Barb is not only a stripper/bounty hunter, but also owns a strip club called “Hammerhead.” Just look at those futuristic dance moves.
(A woman in the club dances to the music by throwing her forearms downward while keeping her upper arms staying in place; NC mocks her dancing while also bopping his head up and down)
NC (voiceover): We also come across Barb’s blind brother named Charlie, who I guess hangs out there quite often.
Charlie: (to a woman ordering at the bar) Chanel #5, am I correct?
Woman: Yes, you are.
Charlie: When I smelled it, I thought to myself, “Charlie, now this is obviously a woman of significant breeding.” Then I thought, “I wonder if she’d like to do so.” Breeding, that is.
NC: (as Charlie) You like that pickup line? I got it from Guidepost! (beat) In Braille, of course.
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, just outside the club, Dr. Cora D. and her husband named Axel get stuck at a roadblock.
Axel: (to Cora D. in the car) Look, we’ll just stick with the plan, OK? (A mobster shoots a man outside) Change of plans.
(He and Cora D. attempt to escape the car as the mobsters fire at it with their guns)
Mobster: Hold your fire!
(The mobsters stop shooting)
The Dude (from “The Big Lebowski”): Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.
NC (voiceover): So even though we never see them exit the vehicle and they have nowhere to go, they somehow escape. After that, we see Barb exit the strip club on her way to another job as she makes her way to…another monologue.
Barb Wire: (narrates) I had to do a little moonlighting to keep my bar running. Not an easy life. A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.
NC (voiceover): Come on, this isn’t an apocalyptic future! It’s Amsterdam!
NC: You see this stuff out of toy stores!
NC (voiceover): So she plays herself off as a hooker—which…let’s face it, is not very hard—as she gets herself into the room next door to another person she’s supposed to bring in called Krebs.
(A fat man goes up to Barb Wire, but she grabs him before he could do anything)
Barb Wire: Why don’t you go change into something a little more comfortable?
Ruben: How about something a little less comfortable?
NC: Oh, it’s the lost Stooge, Pervy!
NC (voiceover): (speaks like Curly Howard as Ruben goes into another room) Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Noogie, noogie, noogie, noogie!
(Cut to Ruben entering back in while dressed entirely in a black leather suit)
Barb Wire: Did you wash your hands?
Ruben: (trying to sound naughty) No. I was bad.
(Barb Wire uses a blunt object to beat Ruben on the back of the head, making him fall forward onto an ironing board and pass out)
NC (voiceover): (as Ruben) Aww, how’d you know being knocked out was my fetish?
(Barb Wire sets up an explosion to blast a hole in the wall)
NC (voiceover): So she bursts into the room next door and shoots up a bunch of bad guys.
(Such a scene is presented)
Barb Wire: (rummages through the shirt of Krebs’ dead body) You’re my last bill, Jumper Krebs. (A Bad Guy brings out a knife) Wake up, sunshine.
Bad Guy: That was nice kicking. You really know your stuff, babe.
Barb Wire: (turns to face the Bad Guy) What did you call me?
NC (voiceover): Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention. She hates to be called “babe.” Now “slut,” “hooker,” “bitch,” “whore”? Those are OK. But if you call her “babe,” (speaks like Barb Wire) that’s just sexist!
Barb Wire: Don’t…call me “babe.” (She shoots the Bad Guy twice before he falls out the window and dangles on the ledge)
NC: (as the Bad Guy, pretending to hold the knife) Oh, maybe I should’ve actually attacked her with a knife instead of just standing here.
NC (voiceover): So Barb is also friends with the head of police named Willis, who will often look the other way to her illegal doings as long as he’s well-compensated, and I do mean “well-compensated.”
Willis: (stands behind Barb Wire) Mmm, course not. (leans his face into her neck)
Barb Wire: Oh, that’s sexual harassment, chief.
NC (voiceover): (as Barb Wire) And I do have to take it.
Willis: Listen, Barbara Kopetski, we can play this “cat and mouse” game all night long, but I have more important things on my mind.
NC: (as Willis) Like how the hell do I get out of this piece-of-shit movie?
NC (voiceover): We then cut to this rather unnecessary moment where some drunk guy tries to get into the club during the day.
Drunk Guy: Just give me my drink!
Club Bouncer: Sir, we’re not open yet.
Barb Wire: I think you’ve had enough already.
Drunk Guy: Ahh, blow me!
NC: OK. Dog, blow him.
(A Rottweiler comes up to bite the Drunk Guy in the crotch and holds the bite down hard)
NC: (recoils in surprise) Gah!
Drunk Guy: Get her off! Get her off of me!
Barb Wire: That’s Camille.
(The Rottweiler continues to bite down on the Drunk Guy’s crotch, and he groans in pain)
NC: Gives new meaning to the term “Fetch the balls.” (A rim shot is heard here)
Barb Wire: Camille, outside.
(The Rottweiler drags the Drunk Guy outside by the crotch)
NC (voiceover): Well, enough of that pointless scene. More boobies!
(Another scene with female strippers dancing together is shown, and NC makes a goofy laugh in excitement at this)
NC (voiceover): But the strip show will have to wait, as the club is infiltrated by…M. Bison’s twin brother.
M. Bison (from “Street Fighter”): Of course!
Colonel Pryzer: If Cora D. escapes…I will personally rip your heart out of your ass…and stuff it back down your throat.
NC: That…doesn’t make any sense!
Colonel Pryzer: I will personally rip your heart out of your ass.
NC: (as Colonel Pryzer) Right after I rip your lungs from your ears and shove them back in through your nose!
NC (voiceover): So they talk with Barb to see if she knows the whereabouts of Dr. Cora D.
(Close-up on Barb’s face)
Barb Wire: Well, I guess it’s hard to find somebody unless you know what she looks like.
(Close-up on Willis’ face)
Man: Her present appearance is of no consequence.
(Close-up on Colonel Pryzer’s face)
Colonel Pryzer: The identification can always be made by retinal scanning. So…
NC (voiceover): (as the club bouncer) Hey, I want an obnoxious close-up, too!
Club Bouncer: (to Barb) Excuse me, boss. Trouble in the kitchen.
NC (voiceover): So it turns out Cora D. enters at the exact same time the colonel does, but that doesn’t get Barb’s attention. What gets her attention is Cora’s husband Axel, who used to be Barb’s lover.
Axel: I never wanted to hurt you! Now’s not the time to explain.
Barb Wire: Well, you’re three years late, Axel. Get out and don’t come back!
NC: Wait a minute! Let me recap this.
NC (voiceover): A fascist government is looking for a scientist and spouse working for a resistance who take shelter in a bar under management by the spouse’s ex-lover and a corrupted cop?
NC: Hmm…now where have I heard that before—“CASABLANCA”!
(Casablanca’s title screen appears before we return to the footage from “Barb Wire”)
NC (voiceover): I mean…WOW! There’s, like, no difference! The plot is literally just “Casablanca”! Why? Why rip off “Casablana”? Did you really think that nobody would notice? Did you think that arguably the most famous romance film of all time was so low on the radar that no one would make the CONNECTION?
NC: Granted, the titties were a good distraction, BUT THEY CAN ONLY HIDE SO MUCH!
NC (voiceover): I mean, what would Humphrey Bogart have to say about this?
(Cut to a clip from “Casablanca”)
Humphrey Bogart (imitated by NC): Of all the film flubs in all of cinema in all the world, she had to rip off mine. Cock-sucking bitch.
(Back to the movie)
NC (voiceover): So…OK, returning to “Casablanca 2: Here’s Looking at You, Slut,” we see Axel talk with Charlie before he confronts Barb.
Axel: Where is Barb?
Charlie: I don’t think talking to Barb’s gonna be such a good idea.
Axel: She’s late.
(Axel stands up before we see Barb approach him)
Axel: Hello, Barb.
(Barb punches Axel in the face; Charlie chuckles)
NC: (as Charlie, chuckling) And next I’ll do my ABCs.
NC (voiceover): So Barb turns them away, but Charlie leads them to the center of the resistance, led by a woman named Spike.
Cora D: The Congressionals took the lenses? They did this?
Spike: (talks with a robotic voice) No. The Congressionals are still looking for Krebs; we know that’s for sure. Willis and the local cops don’t know squat, either.
NC: (as Spike, placing a finger against his throat and speaking robotically) One too many Winston cigarettes. The Flintstones lied to me! (shakes his fist in the air)
Fred Flintstone (from an old black-and-white Winston Cigarettes commercial): (sings) Winston tastes good like a…cigarette should!
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, the colonel and gang continue their search as they burst into a male-bonding service to get some answers.
(The colonel’s gang shoots at all the men in the room before they eventually stop shooting)
NC (voiceover): (as a soldier of Colonel Pryzer’s group) You’re all under arrest.
Solider #1: Ten hut!
(Colonel Pryzer walks in to take a look at the mess in the room)
Colonel Pryzer: (to one of his soldiers) We need to make an interrogation.
Solider #2: Sorry, sir. They resisted.
NC: (as the soldier) They DARED to ask us what’s going on!
NC (voiceover): So they read the minds of one of the dead men—however the hell that works—as they believe the answer may lie in Barb Wire’s club. Meanwhile, we cut to Barb as she—(Barb sits in her bathtub filled with soap suds and aims a gun at Axel before getting out and hold her aim at him) Alright, you know what this is? This is “Centerfold: The Movie.” You can take every other scene in this film and put it on an issue of “Hustler”!
Axel: Anything I wasn’t prepared for, I was running into you.
Barb: You’ll get over it.
NC (voiceover): So Axel tries to win Barb over, but finds she’s one stubborn female who’s gonna tough it all out. (Barb kisses Axel while in an elevator) Orrr not.
(Cut to Cora D. turning her head to see Axel and Barb kissing in the elevator)
Cora D: Am I interrupting something?
(They both stop their kissing)
NC: (as Axel, pretending to kiss Barb and shoo Cora D. away) Oh, not now, honey. (continues his “kissing” until he realizes something and stops) HONEY! HI! Umm…I was just making sure her mouth wasn’t bugged! (He chuckles nervously)
Axel: Oh, Barb, this is my wife, Cora D.
Barb Wire: (looks at Cora) How impressive. (looks to Axel) I’m sure you’ll have very strong smart children.
NC: If they stay out of future sequels, they will be.
Axel: I was just building up a part of your past.
Barb Wire: Oh, so that’s why they didn’t get the invitation to your wedding?
Cora D: Barb, there’s more to the story than meets the eye.
NC: (as Cora D) The Autobots arranged their battle to destroy the evil forces of the Decepticons.
NC (voiceover): But they’re again interrupted by the colonel and his crew. I think this guy’s only job is to walk into buildings dramatically.
Colonel Pryzer: (asking about Axel and Cora D. walking down spiral steps) Who are they?
Barb: I picked them up off the boulevard. I like a good ménage every now and then.
(NC’s forefinger straightens up to represent the erection symbol)
Colonel Pryzer: Scan them.
NC (voiceover): Luckily, Charlie has some sort of machine-messer-upper-thingey that stops the I.D. machine from identifying them.
Soldier #3: Sir. The scanner’s broken, sir.
Colonel Pryzer: You’re wasting my time. Get out!
(Axel and Cora D. leave)
NC: (as one of the soldiers, laughs) Hey, Boss. You know what would be really funny? If they were the people we were looking for. You know, like, the ONE time our scanner machine doesn’t work, and…it was the time we actually found them! And we just let them go! (laughs) We would look SO stupid! (laughs again) But that’d be ridiculous.
NC (voiceover): So the soldiers decide to search the area thoroughly…actually, maybe a little too thoroughly.
(The soldiers destroy the club by breaking glasses, knocking over shelves and using axes to break the glass tables)
NC: (as Colonel Pryzer) Yes, yes, make sure they’re not hiding in the martini glasses.
Barb Wire: (to Charlie) I wish you could see this mess.
Charlie: I can see when it was clean.
NC (voiceover): But Charlie has a little surprise.
Charlie: What the hell were they looking for, anyway?
Barb Wire: Stupid contact lenses.
Charlie: Like these? (He holds up a vial containing the lenses; Zelda discovery music sting is heard here) We can give them to Axel and help them escape.
Barb Wire: (starts to leave) No so fast. I still got a ticket to Europe.
Charlie: (walks after Barb) Hey, they don’t belong to us!
Barb Wire: Finders keepers.
Charlie: You’re making a mistake, Barb! It’s not just about money, you know!
Barb Wire: (narrates over the scene) I knew Charlie was still fighting for the resistance…
NC (voiceover): (as Charlie) Don’t monologue around me. I’m still here!
(A hanging lamp falls onto the roof of a caged area before the film cuts to black and fading back in to a different scene)
NC (voiceover): Oh, I also forgot to mention. This film has a fetish for cutting to black and fading back in.
(Cuts of scenes cutting to black dramatically before fading back in are shown)
NC: I keep thinking every time they’re gonna fade to black, something goofy is gonna suddenly appear.
(Sudden cut to black and fade in on Mr. Puppy sitting in NC’s chair; Sudden cut to black and fade in on Optimus Prime in the chair; Sudden cut to Chester A. Bum in the chair making a goofy grin)
NC (voiceover): So she takes the contacts to a crime overlord simply known as Mr. Big Fatso. I’m guessing they call him that because he likes Dom Deluise movies. (The poster for “Fatso” is shown briefly)
Big Fatso: (to Barb) You drive all the way through the heart of the evil empire to see how my diet’s goin’. You came here to talk about the contact lenses, didn’t you?
Barb Wire: I’m in a position to go through their sale.
Big Fatso: That’s what I heard.
NC: (as Fat Albert) Hey, hey, hey! Fat Albert will make him an offer he can’t refuse! Yeah!
NC (voiceover): Meanwhile, Charlie gets captured by the colonel and subjects to a torture scene that’s not quite as titillating as the opening scene.
Colonel Pryzer: Where are the lenses?
Charlie: This guy has them.
Colonel Pryzer: What guy?
Charlie: He’s fat…wears a red suit…and white beard. Name’s Kringle.
(They both start to laugh softly before it grows louder; NC laughs a bit before he makes his laughter grow louder and wilder; Intercut with clips of Daffy Duck and Porky Pig laughing together and clips of Kang and Kodos (from “The Simpsons” ) laughing before Colonel Pryzer shocks Charlie one last time, killing him)
NC: (ends his laughter and calms before speaking like Colonel Pryzer and looks off-screen) Put a search on this Kringle guy.
NC (voiceover): So Barb finds her Kentucky Fried brother as Axel and Cora D. arrive on the scene.
Axel: (speaks softly) Charlie.
NC: (as Axel) Well, that just Jangos my Fett!
NC (voiceover): But Barb—being the thoroughly unlikeable character that she is—still wants to hand over the contacts to Mr. Fatso, where unfortunately, the colonel is there waiting.
Big Fatso: Not only do I get the lenses, but I get a million dollars bounty on your head, and a million dollars bounty on the head of the good doctors to turn you both over to the Congressionals. (close-up on his face) Don’t you just love…
NC: (shields himself away from the close-up with his hands) Alright, Jabba, let’s keep the close-ups to a minimum.
(The footage of Bit Fatso laughing and putting a cigar in his mouth is slowed down)
NC (voiceover): But our cop friend slips Barb a grenade—that these guards should clearly be able to see (a green arrow points to a guard in the background)—and she uses it to escape.
Willis: Look out, she’s got a grenade!
(Barb Wire throws the grenade into the air)
Soldier #4: Take cover!
(The grenade lands on Big Fatso’s stomach)
NC (voiceover): (as Fat Albert) Hey, hey, shit!
(The grenade explodes; Axel and Barb get in a vehicle)
Axel: Floor it!
NC (voiceover): So once Barb finds out she’s not getting any money, her morals suddenly return! As we partake in a pretty standard chase scene. (scenes of explosions are shown) But the colonel get the jump on her with a bulldozer.*
- (It’s actually a forklift, but NC acknowledges about this mistake in his later “Top 11 NC Fuckups” episode)
(Colonel Pryzer laughs maniacally as he drives the forklift into Barb Wire)
NC: (as Colonel Pryzer, pretending to drive the forklift) Ahahahahahahahaha! A bulldozer! I’m driving a bulldozer! Ahahahahahahahaha!
(Colonel Pryzer drives the forklift into a car that Barb Wire gets on, and he continues laughing maniacally)
NC: (as Colonel Pryzer) Ahahahahahahahahaha! I just thought of a joke I saw on “The Munsters.” Ahahahahahahahahaha!
(Cut to Colonel Pryzer still laughing maniacally)
NC: (as Colonel Pryzer) Ahahahahahahahahaha! Oh, no! I’m out of the manic stage and into the depressing stage! (sobs briefly) Oh! There’s the manic again! Ahahahahahahahahahaha!
(Cut to Axel approaching a construction worker operating a crane)
Axel: (points to a control lever) Is this the one that makes it go up and down?
Construction Worker: Yeah, yeah, it does!
Axel: Which one makes it go around?
Construction Worker: (touches another lever) This one right here!
Axel: (leans forward to touch a third lever) What about this one? (He elbows the construction worker in the face)
NC: (as the construction worker, talking stupidly) Duhh, maybe I should’ve used that brain thing my mama told me about!
(Colonel Pryzer finally stops the forklift)
Colonel Pryzer: Normally, I don’t get emotional about my work. (lifts up a gun to aim at Barb) But vaporizing you in the ass is gonna be a real pleasure.
NC: You forgot (mocks Colonel Pryzer’s maniacal laughter) Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!
NC (voiceover): So a crane being run by Axel actually picks up the car and bulldozer in what I have to admit is a pretty creative action sequence.
(Barb and the colonel fight each other while the car and forklift are suspended in mid-air by the crane)
NC (voiceover): (as Colonel Pryzer) You know, Barb, sometimes you gotta take a step back and ask yourself, “Just how the hell did I get here?”
(Barb climbs up to the crane’s hook)
Colonel Pryzer: I got you, babe!
NC, Barb Wire and the Audience: Don’t call me a babe.
(Barb has the crane let go of the forklift and car, letting it plummet to the ground while the colonel is still on it)
NC (voiceover): (as Colonel Pryzer) Whoohahaha! I’m falling! I’m falling! That’s worth laughing over! Hahahahaha!(The forklift and car plunge to the ground and explode) WOAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Normal) So the villain is destroyed as they try to get the doctor and the contact lenses to safety. And wouldn’t you know it? It ends with them saying goodbye outside of a plane.
Barb Wire: (to Axel) You’re gonna miss your plane.
Axel: So that’s why I thought Barb Wire never took sides.
Barb Wire: Keep it to yourself.
NC: (imitating Humphrey Bogart) Here’s ripping off you, kid.
(Axel gets on the plane)
Willis: (to Barb) Where will you go?
(Barb pulls out a debit card from her cleavage)
Barb Wire: Well, I hear Paris is nice this time of year.
NC (voiceover): (imitating Humphrey Bogart) Paris? This is gonna be the end of a horrible movie.
Willis: (as Barb walks away a short distance with a gun) I do believe I’m falling in love.
Barb Wire: (turns around with the gun to her side) Get in line.
(Sounds of gunshots are heard as we flash a couple times to black, and the end credits start to roll; NC reacts in surprise to this)
NC: OK, I guess the movie shot itself before it could appropriately end.
(The montage of clips of the movie are shown again as NC speaks)
NC (voiceover): As well it should. This movie is horribly stupid. Its stunts are standard, its lines are boring, its acting is corny, and of course, it’s fucking “Casablanca”!
NC: My recommendation? See fucking “Casablanca”!
(A clip of Rick and Ilsa from “Casablanca” talking together is shown)
NC (voiceover): It’s considered one of the greatest films of all time!
NC: What could this movie possibly have that “Casablanca” didn’t? ……………..Boobies!
(The opening scene of strippers dancing is shown)
NC: (sits with his head resting on his hands and admiring the scene) I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
(NC continues admiring the scene until The Other Guy takes the chair NC is sitting in and pulls it away camera right; NC continues holding his admiration pose as he’s being pulled away)