February 13, 2018
(NC title sequence plays)
NC: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(Suddenly, he becomes quite nervous. He parts his coat to reveal that his shirt has nipples on it! Say what?!)
NC: (terrified) What the hell is this?! (jumps up from his seat) Why are there nipples on the outside of me?!
(Tamara walks up, wearing a blond wig and a black dress)
Tamara: Ooh, a hot entrance, Critic. (She runs her hands on his body) Have I ever let you know that my interest isn't purely professional, or do I need skintight vinyl and a whip?
NC: (trying to fend her off with little luck) Tamara, you're a fricking professional! Why are you suddenly acting so weirdly horny?!
Tamara: I'm just representing how an out-of-touch gay man thinks a straight woman acts.
(Behind them, Malcolm, wearing half-black-and-half-white makeup, wig and suit, laughs crazily)
NC: (still trying to fend off Tamara's running her hands on him) Malcolm, why are you suddenly a white guy?! And a very annoying one at that?!
Malcolm: I'll tell you right after I finish mugging for the camera! (He turns to the camera and mugs it, cackling)
NC: Stop it, stop it, all of you! Who is responsible for all of this?!
Malcolm and Tamara: (in unison as they point offscreen) He is!
(NC turns to see Jim Jarosz dressed in a green Riddler-type suit, but with the letter M all over it instead of question marks)
Mocker: Hello, Critic. It's your old friend, Joel.
NC: (gasps) The Mocker*!
- It's also similar in pronunciation to last six letters of Schumacher's last name.
(Throughout this whole scene, Tamara keeps running her hands on him, and he keeps trying to slap her hands away, but to no avail)
Mocker: Nostalgia Critic has gotten too dark for the viewers' time. I'm here to make it more kid-friendly, colorful and nipple-icious.
NC: You won't get away with this, Mocker!
Mocker: I know you don't like it, but I was just doing what the studio demanded.
NC: Yeah, but–
Mocker: I apologize. I was just trying to do something more colorful for the kids.
NC: Oh, you don't need to apologize.
Mocker: I understand you're frustrated, but why don't we sit down and talk about it over some herbal tea?
NC: Okay, that does sound really ni– (gasps) NO!! I won't let the fact that you're a decent human being get in front of the fact that you make horrible crap!
Mocker: (singsong) It's Earl Grey!
NC: (Tamara hugs him) Oh, I love Earl Grey! That's like my favori– NO! I need someone who won't fall for your kindness! I need a geek. An angry geek. A Last Angry Geek!
Mocker: (puzzled) Last? Really?
Tamara: Yeah, I feel like there's a lot of angry geeks.
NC: Okay, I don't know why he calls himself that, but I'm calling him!
(NC runs out of the room. Tamara looks confused at NC's departure, then starts feeling her own body. Cut to Brian Heinz (LAG himself) sitting in a dark room. NC turns something on, and it's the signal that has LAG's face in the night sky. The room lights up as LAG notices the signal and stands up. His face is now identical to the one in the signal. After that...he simply walks out of the closet. NC stops in front of him and looks back and forth, confused)
NC: You were in my storage closet the whole time?
LAG: Don't judge me. (walks off)
NC: (after a pause) I very much am.
(LAG and NC enter the living room. Tamara is now turned on to Malcolm, who's still laughing crazily)
LAG: All right, Mocker! It's time...
(He notices he also fell for the nipple trick and takes the fake nipples off as NC rolls his eyes)
LAG: It's time to put an end to your insanity.
Mocker: Now, don't be that way. Why don't I order us some lattes so we can sit down and discuss artistic styles and interpretations?
LAG: He is very nice.
Tamara: (overlapping) God, he's so nice! He is a saint!
NC: (overlapping) Isn't he? He is just the nicest guy! I just wanna eat him up-
LAG: (interrupts) But it won't work! We did an entire RiffTrax on how your style ruined Batman Forever.
Mocker: You did?
LAG: Yes, and it's still available.
NC: For anyone to purchase!
(Suddenly, a commercial synth music starts playing as the poster for the 2009 RiffTrax commentary for the movie pops up with the caption "Available at RiffTrax.com". NC, LAG, Tamara and Malcolm smile to the camera)
LAG: Cameos by Mike Nelson...
Tamara: Kevin Murphy...
Malcolm: And Bill Corbett.
NC: Good times are just a Bat-click away.
(They stare for some seconds, until...)
Mocker: Ha! But that was recorded years ago. You couldn't possibly find any faults in Batman Forever now.
(Everyone is abashed)
LAG: No, I can.
Mocker: I don't know. I just...needed a segue into the review.
Malcolm: Yeah, there's, like, a million jokes about this movie.
NC: Yeah, we should probably just get to it.
LAG: Batman Forever.
(Tamara again runs her hands on NC's chest, and he slaps her away. The poster for Batman (1989) is shown, followed by the poster and shots from its sequel, Batman Returns)
NC (vo): After the 1989 smash hit Batman, producers were excited to see if the follow-up, Batman Returns, would deliver as big a financial punch.
LAG (vo): The film didn't quite deliver what the studio wanted, with many parents complaining it was too dark for children. This resulted in child-friendly merchandise being pulled, most notably McDonald's Happy Meal toys.
NC (vo): Not wanting to go through that again, the studio pushed director Tim Burton into a producing role and handed control over to Joel Schumacher.
(The poster for Batman Forever is shown, followed by several screenshots)
LAG (vo): He agreed to make the third installment Batman Forever more lighthearted and marketable, and it seemed to pay off as it made more money than the previous installment.
NC (vo): Schumacher is best known for his following epic, Ice Puns and Ass, (The poster for Batman and Robin is shown briefly, but with the title NC just said) but a lot of people ignore what a cluster of goofiness Batman Forever is, seemingly giving it a pass.
LAG (vo): We're here to see if that pass is warranted, or if it deserves to be tossed in the Snyder pile. (The screenshot from Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is shown)
(NC and LAG are shown to be sitting at the table)
NC: Pile of what?
LAG: You know what.
NC: Let's take a look at this Batshit insanity with Batman Forever.
(The film opens with the main actors' names flying in the black space, and then we're shown Batman (Val Kilmer) gearing up for his next mission in his Batcave)
NC (vo): After being assaulted by the big names in this movie...
LAG (vo): Interpret that as you will.
NC (vo): ...we see Batman, played this time by Val Kilmer, getting ready to ride a Batmobile so phallic that even HR Giger's original designs look less penisy. (The first designs for the spacecrafts from the movie Alien are briefly shown)
LAG (vo): And if you think they're not gonna overcorrect the Happy Meal tie-in from the last film, take a look at this actual opening line.
(Alfred Pennyworth (Michael Gough) comes up to Batman)
Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman: I'll get drive-through.
LAG: Well, can't act like they didn't set the bar low from the very start.
NC (vo): It's such a weird line, clearly done just for a McDonald's ad.
(The McDonald's commercial which promotes the movie, the special meal and merchandise is shown)
Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman: I'll get drive-through.
Jim Cummings (vo): Tomatoes, crisp lettuce, two cheeses on a superhero bun.
NC (vo): It doesn't fit in the movie at all.
NC: The only way it could work is if it was literally followed by this.
Alfred: Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
Batman: I'll get drive-through.
(Batman walks off. Cut to the Batmobile standing near the actual drive-thru)
NC (vo; as Batman): Two cheeseburgers, a large fries, and, uh, I got a movie out, so just give me whatever plastic schlock with my face on it you got. (The glass mug with Batman carved on it is pops up with a ding) Bingo.
(The City of Gotham is shown, or rather, its alley that celebrates a Chinese holiday. Then we're shown ex-attorney Harvey Dent as Two-Face, played by Tommy Lee Jones, holding a bank guard as a hostage in a bank vault)
LAG (vo): Batman drives to the second Bank of Gotham in...Chinatown...as a crime boss named Two-Face, played by Tommy Lee Jones instead of Billy Dee Williams...
NC: Only the finest of art forms remedy this. (The logo for Demo Reel and the poster for The LEGO Batman Movie are shown below)
LAG: (pointing at the Demo Reel logo, chuckling) You know, I love the Italian mobster in that. (NC just looks, confused)
LAG (vo): ...is robbing a bank and juggling his split personality of a district attorney and a pervy monkey.
(The montage of Two-Face making various sounds and noises is shown)
NC: You know Tommy Lee Jones told Jim Carrey he hated him because he couldn't sanction his buffoonery?
(The audio of The Howard Stern Show podcast that aired in October of 2014 and featured Jim Carrey as a guest is heard as the pictures of Jones and Carrey are shown back-to-back)
Jim Carrey (vo): The blood drained from his face... (Howard Stern gasps) ...and hugged me and said, "I hate you. I cannot sanction your buffoonery."
(Back to the movie; Two-Face jumps off a helicopter with the parachute)
Two-Face: See ya! (laughs crazily as he falls)
NC: Makes sense to me.
LAG: I'm just wondering how acid can turn one half of your face...
LAG (vo): ...into plastic purple latex.
Two-Face: No!! (bangs on the metal wall angrily)
(Inside a bank vault, Two-Face flips his coin, looking at the bank guard, and it's the head side)
NC (vo): As you probably guess, he often flips a coin to decide who lives and who dies.
Two-Face: Fortune smiles. Another day of wine and roses.
(He and his cronies leave the guard in the vault as a trap for Batman)
Guard: But...but you said you'd let me live!
Two-Face: Too true! And so you shall!
NC: (as Two-Face) I mean, I'll kill ya later, but I'm lettin' you live for a few minutes.
LAG: (as Two-Face) I'm a district attorney, I can always find a loophole.
(Batman jumps into the crowd to greet Comissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) and meet Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman))
NC (vo): Batman arrives on the scene to meet up with psychiatrist Dr. Chase Meridian, played by Nicole Kidman.
Chase: Hot entrance.
LAG: A dedicated professional, as you can see.
NC (vo): Gordon is trying to figure out how to save the hostages inside, but Batman has more important issues to confront, like convincing a stranger that bats aren't rodents!
Chase: I could write a hell of a paper on a grown man who dresses like a flying rodent.
(Batman walks close to Chase)
NC (vo; as Batman): Oh, no, you didn't!
Batman: Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian.
Chase: You are interesting.
NC: (as Chase, flirtingly) Your ability to wiki search intrigues me.
(Chase turns to look at the helicopters, and Batman walks away from her)
Chase: By the way, do you have a first name, or do they just call you Bats? (turns back to see Batman is gone)
NC (vo; as Chase): Oh, what? Is there a bank robbery or something? Oh, yeah, there totally is.
Two-Face: Let's start this party with a bang!
LAG: Well, we know Dr. Meridian sure did.
(Batman comes into the bank and fights Two-Face's cronies, complete with the camera shaking)
LAG (vo): Batman breaks in and fights off a gang of Mexican wrestlers, while also trying to get the cameraman a tripod.
(Batman shoots from a shocker gun at one of the thugs, and the latter makes a really weird cartoonish sound while being shocked)
(The scene is replayed. Another thug charges at Batman head-on, with some electronic sounds being heard in the background as he runs)
LAG (vo): Oh, apparently, it's spread to the music, too.
NC: Well, the composer run out of money, so we'll just start going... (wiggles his lips with a finger) "bobity-bobity-bobity-bobity"...
(The scene continues as the another thug makes the same sound after being shocked. Batman enters the vault and removes the tape from the bound and gagged guard's mouth)
(The famous scene from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi is shown for a moment)
Admiral Ackbar (overdubbed by NC): It's a tra-
Guard: It's a trap! (The vault door closes)
Admiral Ackbar: Poser.
(The following is described by NC)
NC (vo): Two-Face lifts the vault into the air, filling it with acid to rain down on the people of Gotham and their... (The shot zooms in to show the windows of a building in the background has windows of various colors) multicolored windows.
LAG: Medieval times is more subtle with their color use!
(As the vault is lowered by Two-Face's helicopter, Batman gets out, shoots from his grappling hook, which is actually strong enough to break through a cement wall, and makes the vault to slide back inside a bank)
LAG (vo): He uses his grappling hook to break through the incredibly weak concrete, which also supports a giant metal safe because it's suddenly the strongest concrete in the world.
LAG: I knew they shouldn't have used this stuff. (A cement bag is shown with the caption "Inconsistent Concrete: General Purpose")
(Two-Face can't control the helicopter, and he jumps out of it, along with Batman, as it collides with the Statue of Liberty lookalike (the only difference is the word "Gotham" on Lady Liberty's crown))
NC (vo): Two-Face flies his helicopter towards the...Statue of Gothamy...
LAG: It was a gift from French Metropolis.
NC (vo): And both Two-Face and Batman jump out in time, leading to...
(Batman is shown floating up in the water, all slowed down)
NC: Can we just start...
(The caption of what NC says pops up along with the number 1 and Joel Schumacher's photo)
NC (vo): ...a pointless Schumacher slow-mo count?
LAG: Only if I could start...
(A quick montage of three close-ups of Batman standing with mouth open during the prologue is shown, with the "Val Kilmer Mouth Hanging Open Count" upping straight to 3)
LAG (vo): ...a "Val Kilmer mouth hanging open" count.
NC: But that clashes with my...
(The similar montage is shown, but this time it's Christian Bale as Batman from The Dark Knight and there are no numbers)
NC (vo): "Christian Bale mouth hanging open" count.
LAG: Well, let's look at the menu.
(LAG and NC take the menu from the table that has the bat, the word "Robin", question marks, and the portrait of Two-Face on its cover)
LAG: (reading) "If you share..."
(Various montages are shown with the counts LAG and NC list appearing below)
LAG (vo): ..."the slo-mo count with a "Jim Carrey making an "excited he farted" face" count"...
NC: (reading) "Then you can share..."
(After the repeat of the first three "Kilmer mouth open" instances, the number quickly changes to 4 as Batman returns to the Batcave)
NC (vo): ...the "Val Kilmer mouth hanging open" count with "Christian Bale mouth hanging open" count"!
(The waiter, played by Malcolm, comes up to LAG and NC with a guest check)
Waiter: Uh, who gets the bad news?
LAG and NC: We all do.
(LAG takes the check, looks at it, smiles and hands it over to NC. In the movie, a news broadcast is going on while the camera is floating over Gotham, which is clearly CG-rendered)
Female Reporter (vo): Harvey Two-Face is still at large and extremely dangerous.
LAG (vo): Wow. Batman: The Animated Series did not age well.
NC (vo): That's supposed to look realistic.
LAG (vo): It's not.
NC (vo): I know it's not.
(We are shown the office of Edward Nygma (Jim Carrey), a lowly worker at Wayne Enterprises who has invented a new item and presents the idea to Bruce Wayne, whom he adores)
LAG (vo): Speaking of which, we're introduced to Jim Carrey as Edward Nygma, a name so ridiculous, even the animated series refused to believe he didn't just make it up.
(The clip from the animated series' episode "If You're So Smart, Why Aren't You Rich?" is shown, showing Batman and Robin discussing the matter of the Riddler in the Batmobile. The caption "The Show for Kids" is shown below)
Robin: What did you mean, a joke on his name?
Batman: His name's Edward Nygma.
Robin: I get it. "E. Nygma".
(We cut back to Batman Forever and are shown Nygma speaking to Bruce, with the caption "The Movie for Adults" being shown)
Nygma: Edward. Edward Nygma. Look at us! Two of a kind! (Cut to him grinning widely)
NC: At first, I thought Carrey's portrayal of Nygma was a little too over-the-top, but after Internet culture and fanboys blew up...
(A video of a man jumping on McDonald's counter and demanding Szechuan Sauce from Rick and Morty is shown)
Man: I'm Pickle Riiiiick! Wubba lubba dub dub!
(Another video is shown, featuring TheSammyClassicSonicFan ranting against the Sonic fanbase)
TheSammyClassicSonicFan: (almost high-pitched) YOU GUYS ARE THE ONES THAT RUINED SONIC FOR EVERYONE!
(The infamous 2007 video "Leave Britney Alone!" is followed)
Chris Crocker: (in tears) Leave her alone!
(Yet another video is shown, showing a crowd of people coming for the said Szechuan Sauce)
Crowd: (chanting) We want sauce! We want sauce!
(Cut back to the first shown video. The man is now apparently having a seizure on the floor)
Man: RIIICK! RIIICK!
LAG: Yeah, it might be too subtle.
NC (vo): Nygma is obsessed with Bruce Wayne and wants him to okay his device that beams TV signals directly into the human brain.
Bruce: I'm sorry, then. The answer is no. Tampering with people's brainwaves, mind manipulation...
LAG: It just sounds like cable news.
Bruce: It just raises too many questions.
(Zoom out to see that the scene is shown on television set from The Simpsons. To be specific, we're shown the clip from the episode "I Love Lisa", with Bart stopping the movie with the remote and showing Nygma's reaction to Lisa)
Bart: Watch this, Lise. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half. (clicks on remote to back the frames up) And...now!
(Bruce sees the Bat-Signal in the window and goes to his office. He sits in the chair, the hatch below opens up, the seat lowers, and Bruce slides down in a pod to the Batcave, with electronic video game sounds added)
LAG (vo): Bruce sees the Bat-Signal and uses the, um...Bat-pipe to transport himself to the Batcave.
NC (vo): Oh, that must have been a lot of fun for the builders to put in.
LAG (vo): Alfred threw his back out a lot after setting that up.
(The scene is repeated)
Bruce: Chair. (The seat lowers, and he slides down)
NC (vo): Does he...really see no problem rising with that setup?
NC: (as a guest sitting in Bruce's chair) Boy, Bruce, this is a really comfortable chair...
(The "hatch" opens, and NC falls, screaming. LAG looks down, making an "Ooh, that's gotta hurt" face. The movie: Batman rushes to the signal, only to find out it was Chase who turned it up. She walks out of the shadows, wearing skimpy clothes)
LAG (vo): It turns out the call came from Dr. Meridian.
Batman: Commissioner Gordon?
Chase: He's at home. I sent the signal.
LAG: Oh, trust me, you're sending all the signals.
NC (vo): And thus, we partake in one-liner theatre.
Batman: Are you trying to get under my cape, Doctor?
Chase: A girl can't live by psychoses alone.
Batman: It's the car, right? Chicks love the car.
LAG: (excited) Oh! Oh! I know the opening line for the next film! (The image of Robin from Batman and Robin saying "I want a car! Chicks love the car" is shown)
(Chase rubs Batman's chest and sighs)
Chase: Black rubber.
Batman: Try a fireman. Less to take off. (walks away, but Chase won't let him go)
NC (vo; as Batman): This is sexual harassment, and I don't have to take it.
Chase: My life's an open book. You read? I'll bring the wine, (takes her jacket off) you bring your scarred psyche. Or do I need skintight vinyl and a whip?
NC: (weirded out) Sheesh, lady! What's your PhD, in bad pickup lines?!
LAG: Come to think of it...
(The earlier part of the scene is shown, with the green arrow and a question mark pointing down as Chase greets Batman, shaking something)
LAG (vo): ...what was she...shaking earlier?
(Just as Chase is about to kiss Batman, Gordon shows up on the roof)
LAG (vo): Commissioner Gordon Bat-blocks them, showing up in his pajamas.
Gordon: I saw the signal. What's going on?
Batman: False alarm.
Chase: Are you sure?
NC: (chuckles) I so wish there was an emergency just so I could see him fight crime in his pajamas.
Mocker: (smiling) Oh, you saw my director's cut!
(NC and LAG just stare in confusion. In the movie, at Wayne Enterprises, we're shown Nygma capturing Fred Stickley (Ed Begley Jr.), a senior worker who has fired him, straps him to a wheeled chair and demonstrates his invention's powers on him)
LAG (vo): Nygma, meanwhile, kidnaps his boss and uses his device on him.
(Nygma turns the device on, and the image of two fish on the screen switches to three-dimensional, much to Stickley's awe and Nygma's joy)
NC: Yay. You made Spy Kids 3D. (LAG twirls his index finger flatly)
LAG (vo): And because this film isn't subtle enough...
(Nygma pulls the lever and steals Stickley's brainwaves to raise his own brain power and literally outsmart Bruce. Both him and Stickley make various sounds and speak gibberish)
LAG: (smirking with NC) Clearly, dignity has been returned to The Dark Knight.
(Nygma pushes the chair to the window, and Stickley falls to his death. Cut to the footage of the GNN channel report about how Harvey Dent became Two-Face: a mob boss Sal Moroni threw the retrieved flask of acid at Dent, then Batman jumped to shield Dent (at this point, the "pointless slow-mo count" changes to 2), but it was too late, and Dent was severely injured)
NC (vo): After stealing his brainwaves, Nygma kills his boss, and we're shown the most cinematic court show ever.
Female Reporter (vo): ...was horribly scarred by Boss Moroni. Although Batman tried to save him, Dent's left-brain damage transformed him into a violent criminal, who blamed Batman.
LAG: Well, there you go. 1/3 of The Dark Knight movie condensed into two sentences.
NC: Shouldn't he (Dent)...
NC (vo): ...want revenge on the crime boss?
LAG (vo): Also, is Batman testifying in court?
NC (vo): Is he a valid witness...
NC: ...if no one knows who he is?
(Cut to a scene of Bruce talking to Nygma)
Bruce: It just raises too many questions.
LAG and NC: (unamused) No shit!
(The next day at Wayne Enterprises, Bruce arrives with the police finds a note with Nygma's face. He opens it, and Nygma's eyes bug out and the riddle rolls up: "If you look at my face you won't see 13 in any place. What am I?". Later on, he is shown a fake note from Stickley which says "Goodbye, cruel world!")
NC (vo): Bruce has given a riddle in his office after it's revealed that Nygma's boss seems to have jumped to his death.
Gordon: Yep. Definitely suicide.
LAG: Best commissioner ever.
(Cut to Nygma creating his next riddle in his small office by cutting the letters out of various magazines and newspapers. Bruce receives it, and it says "Tear one off and scratch my head. What once was red is black instead. What am I?". He arrives at the another building to consult Chase)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, we see Wayne Enterprises apparently hands out really shitty paychecks, as Nygma's home/someone else's closet is being used to send more threatening riddles. Bruce takes one of them to a... (coughs) professional.
(Bruce walks to a police guard)
Bruce: Dr. Meridian, please. (The guard points right, and Bruce goes in this direction)
LAG (vo; as a guard, in an "old man" voice): Eh, that way-sh. You can figure out the rest.
(Upon walking to Chase's room, Bruce hears Chase's grunts and the hitting sounds. He breaks the door open to see Chase practicing on a punching bag)
NC (vo): Bruce hears threatening sounds from her office but it looks like she was just doing her usual in-office boxing before a session.
LAG: Are you sure he's supposed to be the crazy-looking one here?
(Bruce shows Chase the riddles he received)
NC (vo): And, of course, he gets her in-depth expert advice.
Chase: This letter writer is a total wacko.
NC: At this point, I'd actually trust Wakko more than you!
Chase: He's obsessed with you. His only escape may be to purge the fixation.
LAG: So, not only is he a wacko, but you've jumped to the conclusion that he's a guy.
NC: I think we established she's not a good psychiatrist.
LAG (vo): The two of them hit it off, I guess; they more play "I spy" of obvious symbolism in the room...
(Bruce notices a bat painting on the wall)
Bruce: You have a thing for bats?
(He then takes out a doll from Chase's cabinet, which is half black, half white)
Chase: She's a Malaysian dream warden. She protects you from bad dreams.
(We then cut to a Gotham charity circus show in Hippodrome)
LAG (vo): ...and he invites her to the Gotham charity circus.
(Inside, we're shown an African player playing a big drum)
LAG (vo): A Joel Schumacher film, you say?
(A group of family acrobats called The Flying Graysons are shown performing a stunt on top, with the camera focusing on their youngest member, Dick Grayson (Chris O'Donnell). The "pointless slow-mo count" is now 3)
NC: Schumacher looks at men the same way Michael Bay looks at women. (The clip of Mikaela Banes (Megan Fox) from Transformers is shown) And men, the more I think about it. (Another clip pops up, this time from Pain & Gain, featuring Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg))
LAG (vo): It's here that we're introduced to the Flying Graysons, one of them soon to be Robin, the 25-year-old Boy Wonder.
NC (vo; as Dick, in a deep teen voice): I'm totally fifteen, you guys. I'm, like, into Pokémon or whatever.
(Two-Face and his thugs arrive at the event, with Two-Face taking the role of a ringmaster and bringing out the lit bomb. Meanwhile, Nygma stops making the third riddle and sees this on his TV)
NC (vo): But Two-Face interrupts the televised circus performance...
NC: You know, those...common circus performances you see all the time on TV...
NC (vo): ...and tells the crowd that if Batman's identity isn't revealed, he'll blow everybody up.
Two-Face: Batman. Bruised, broken, bleeding. In a word...DEAD!
(Nygma laughs with glee as the farting sound effect is heard and the "excited he farted face count" starts up. The Grayson family works together to take the rising bomb away from the circus, but Two-Face shoots up the wires that they were climbing on, and everyone falls, except for Dick)
NC (vo): The Graysons try to stop the bomb, but Two-Face guns them down, leaving only Dick.
(Dick manages to climb up the tent and throw the bomb into the water just in time it explodes)
Batman (from the 1966 movie; audio): Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.
(Dick looks down and sees that his parents and brother are dead)
LAG (vo): The day is saved, but young Grayson is left without a family. To demonstrate Schumacher's understanding of this tremendous loss, we cut immediately to a horse humping a rock.
(Cut to the Wayne Manor, showing the exact monument LAG described. Feeling empathy for Dick's loss and feeling responsible for Batman's failure to show at the circus, Bruce takes a reluctant and devastated Dick in as a foster son)
Dick: Okay, I'm outta here.
Bruce: Excuse me?
Dick: I figured telling that cop I'd stay here for a while saved me a truckload of social service interviews and charities, so, uh...no offense, but no, thanks.
NC: Well, you're legally an adult, so do whatever the hell you want.
(Dick prepares to drive away on his motorcycle)
Dick: Get a fix on Two-Face. I want to kill him.
Bruce: Killing Two-Face won't take the pain away. It'll make it worse.
LAG: (as Bruce) I mean, I felt great when I killed the Joker, but it...probably wouldn't fit you.
(Dick finds he and Bruce share a love for motorcycles, and Bruce offers to give Dick a rare one if he stays and fixes it)
NC (vo): Bruce says, "Forget your parents and fix my bike", which Dick immediately agrees to.
(At night, Bruce sees the Bat-Signal in the window and tells Alfred to look after Dick)
LAG (vo): But it looks like Batman is being called to an emergency that...will never be addressed, so Alfred is left to tend to Bruce's Dick.
LAG: (exchanges glances with NC) I know what I said.
(Alfred takes Dick's helmet and sees a robin pictured on it)
Alfred: Is this a robin?
Dick: My brother's wire broke once, and I swung out and grabbed him. My father said I was a hero. I flew in like a robin. Some hero I turned out to be.
Alfred: Ah, but your father was right.
NC: (grinning) The first time, anyway. (LAG looks aside, maiden-like)
(Disguised as a mother with a carriage, Two-Face reveals himself to Batman and takes out a bazooka. Batman, however, escapes: the grappling hook shoots out of the Batmobile, and it is sent driving and flying away from an explosion caused by the bazooka)
LAG (vo): Meanwhile, Two-Face ambushes Batman on his way to the crime we'll never see as, once again, we're introduced to the world's strongest frickin' grappling hook.
(After Batman disappears, Two-Face screams to the sky. The 1960s Batman TV show logo zooms out)
NC (vo; as the announcer): Tune in next time, kids! Same Batshit implausibility, same Batshit movie!
(We cut back to Nygma, who's picking his villain name, inspired and delighted by watching Two-Face's raid at the circus)
LAG (vo): Meanwhile, Nygma is trying to figure out what to call his alternate identity, but his GEICO Caveman puppet apparently has an idea.
(The fortune teller machine in Nygma's office lights up and points to a green bulb with a question mark)
Nygma: Thank you. Thank you so much. (types on his computer eagerly)
NC (vo; as Nygma): I shall be the Green Lightbulb!
(We're shown Two-Face's lair, divided into two halves: one white (good), and one dark (evil). In each one, Two-Face's respective assistants, Sugar and Spice (Drew Barrymore and Debi Mazar) are waiting for him)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Two-Face sulks in his split lair...yeah, that's as complex as his character is gonna get, folks...and apparently, the Riddler is waiting there, too.
(An arrow points to the Riddler standing in the dark half)
LAG (vo; as the Riddler): Don't mind me, I'll just be waiting for the ass-istant director to cue me.
Spice: I made your favorite. A Sterno and grain alcohol, straight up, baby! (Everyone cackles)
LAG: Or, as Drew Barrymore calls it, a starter.
Two-Face: We're of two minds about what to eat first.
(The Riddler walks out and hits his staff on the ground, startling Two-Face, who abruptly turns around)
NC: (as Two-Face, shocked) The Green Lightbulb?!
NC (vo): The Riddler comes out of literally hiding and says he can help him kill Batman if Two-Face lets him live.
(Two-Face angrily nails the Riddler to the wall with his gun)
Riddler: But Batman... (smiles and the "excited he farted face count" pops up with the number 2 and a ding) ...now, there's a challenge. Splash of blood, and then what? Post-homicidal depression. (whimpers, making puppy-dog eyes)
LAG: (as the Riddler) Did you enjoy my porg impression? (also makes the same eyes)
(The Riddler demonstrates the power of his invention on Sugar and Spice, and the Looney Tunes cartoons are displayed as their inner thoughts. The two villains make a deal: if Two-Face helps the Riddler steal enough priceless goods and money to fund his project, the Riddler will use his invention to learn Batman's true identity)
LAG (vo): The combination of Max Headroom and a green Skittle tells Two-Face that if he gets his device on every television in town, he'll help him get Batman. Two-Face reluctantly agrees.
NC: Reluctant for him or us?
LAG: Take one.
(Two-Face and the Riddler wreak havoc at the jewelry store)
LAG (vo): They rob every place they can to mass-produce his invention.
(The Riddler breaks the glass and takes the big diamond. In the very next shot, he looks at the diamond using a loupe, but the diamond is now smaller in size)
LAG (vo): His superpower is to magically shrink diamonds mid-edit.
(Bruce and Alfred watch the news report about Two-Face and the Riddler)
News Anchor: Teamed with Two-Face, this new criminal's pattern of marking his crimes with puzzles has Gothamites calling him the Riddler.
NC: Wouldn't they be calling him the Ripoff Artist?
(The clips in Nygma's office are shown, zooming on the items that feature the green color and the question mark)
NC (vo): I mean, obviously, the Riddler-type character exists in this world from all the toys Nygma had. So why don't people recognize it?
LAG: It'd be like if a killer wore a Spider-Man costume and called himself the Red Lobster.
NC: Actually, that would be a better name. (LAG looks at him, puzzled) How many spiders are red?!
(We go to a commercial. After returning, we are shown Nygma in front of his new corporation, Nygmatech, presenting his invention to the public)
LAG (vo): Nygma gets enough money to sell his device and even finally gives it a name.
Nygma: The Box! In every home in America, and one day, the world!
LAG: It's a cone.
(Various Gothamites are shown buying the Boxes. While they are affected by them, their brainwaves are sent to the Riddler and Two-Face)
Female Reporter (vo): Edward Nygma's 3D Box has...
LAG: (getting annoyed) It's a cone!
Female Reporter (vo): Critics have claimed the Box turns Gothamites...
Female Reporter (vo): There is hardly a home without the Nygmatech Box.
(LAG stands up and points angrily at the whiteboard, which has the word "CONE" and the figure itself pictured on it)
Nygma: The Box!
LAG: CONE!!! (facepalms in exhaustion)
NC: I don't know why you have such a problem saying you're watching Jim Carrey's Box... (suddenly realizes) Now I get it.
(Dick walks up the staircase and observes Alfred entering the Batcave from the secret door)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, Alfred wants to make sure he can use the entrance to the Batcave while his Dick is occupied.
(As the door itself closes, Dick waits no longer and literally jumps into action by climbing on the chandelier and the walls to the entrance)
LAG (vo): Sheesh. You can hop on one foot and catch up to the door in time.
(However, Dick slips just in front of the door, sliding down the stairs into the Batcave. The alarm goes off, and everything in the Batcave turns up, along with the Batmobile rising up)
Automatic Voice: Intruder alert. Intruder alert.
NC (vo): Yeah, Batman's got some hardcore security there. And everything turned on while a meek voice goes "Intruder alert".
(Cut to a skit involving Doug and Tamara as two burglars sneaking into the Batcave)
Doug: Ah, here we ares! The Batscave.
(A voice on loudspeakers (Malcolm) suddenly starts speaking "Intruder alert" over and over)
Tamara: Ahh! There goes the voice.
Doug: I guess it means we gots to go.
Tamara: Oh! But the Batmobile just rode in, with the music and everything! Can we take a spin in it?
Doug: Didn't ya hear the voice? It called us intruders. Think about that.
Tamara: Nah, you're right. That would be pretty rude.
Doug: Now, let's get out of here before he calls us ruffians.
Tamara: Oh, wait. Quick selfie, and we'll go. (takes out a phone)
Doug: Yeah, yeah, okay. (poses with a wide smile)
Tamara: Just to prove we're in here. (She smiles and takes a picture) Okay, let's go.
(They leave. Back to the movie, Bruce goes to Chase's apartment again)
LAG (vo): Meanwhile, Bruce and Chase get ready for their date. Bruce opens with his most romantic phrases.
Bruce: My parents were murdered in front of me...when I was just a kid.
NC: (shifts eyes) You...really know all the pickup lines. (He and LAG smile nervously)
(Bruce then sees some magazines and newspapers on Chase's table with photos of Batman on them)
LAG (vo): But he literally gets jealous of himself as Chase leaves her Bat-porn out.
Bruce: (to Chase) Maybe I'll leave you two alone.
LAG: Well, try not posing with a smile on the cover of Time, you egomaniac!
NC: (as Batman, turning head left and right) Did you get my Bat-side?
(Alfred calls Bruce and says that Dick has stolen the Batmobile, not speaking the name of the car. We're then shown Dick riding around in front of some street girls)
NC (vo): But Alfred lets him know that his Dick has gone traveling, as he cruises around town in the Batmobile.
Girl 1: Wait a minute. That's not Batman!
Dick: What are you talking about?
Girl 2: That's Batboy! (The girls laugh)
NC (vo; as Dick, in a deep teen voice): Oh, yeah, I'm, like, totally a little kid. I'm watching Ben 10 or whatever.
Girl: That's not Batman!
NC: (as the girl) Oh, wait! That's the circus kid Bruce Wayne adopted!
LAG: (as another girl) Oh, Bruce Wayne's totally Batman!
NC: (as the girl) You have to be a genius to figure that out!
LAG: (as another girl) I'm gonna put it on Snapchat.
(In an alleyway, Dick encounters a gang whose members' faces and clothes are in glow-in-the-dark paint)
LAG (vo): It looks like a girl is in trouble at this...laser tag arcade, but good hearty Dick is on the way to save her.
(Dick fights the gang leader, Crazy Eddie, and he whistles for more street boys to appear with glow sticks)
NC (vo): He's Dick-feated, but the gang language of a...whistle signals the other members to attack.
(Dick climbs the ladder and hangs from it. At the background, Batman is shown standing on the roof nearby)
LAG (vo; as Batman): Uh, hello? Batman here. Trying to look threatening. Oh, for crying out loud...
(Batman then whistles himself, and the gang look up)
Crazy Eddie: Batman!
(They flee as Batman jumps down. In a freeze-frame, you can see that the cape actually flows on his head for a moment)
LAG (vo): Batman saves him after getting his cape caught...no, really, that happens...getting some harsh reactions from his Dick.
(Dick is pissed off at Batman for not revealing himself at the circus and hits him, but the latter blocks it)
Dick: If you had told Two-Face who you were at the circus, they'd...still be alive! (Batman takes his fist)
Batman: If Bruce Wayne could've given his life for your family, he would have.
NC (vo; as Dick, tearfully): Well, you tell Bruce Wayne I hate him!
LAG (vo; as Batman): Ah, jeez, you dumbass.
(Bruce returns to the Batcave, but discovers Alfred has let Dick inside it)
LAG (vo): Bruce goes to wipe the sweat away...Lord knows it took a lot out of him to jump, and...that's it...as he makes it clear that Grayson don't know dick.
Bruce: So, you're willing to take a life? Then it will happen this way. You make the kill.
NC (vo; as Dick): Yeah.
Bruce: But your pain doesn't die with Harvey, it grows.
NC (vo; as Dick): Cool.
Bruce: So you run into the night to find another face...
NC (vo; as Dick): Awesome.
Bruce: ...and another...
NC (vo; as Dick): Even better.
Bruce: ...and another.
NC (vo; as Dick): This is literally my dream, you know that, Bruce?
Dick: I'm a part of this, whether you like it or not.
LAG: (as Dick) What are you gonna do? Replace me with Joseph Gordon-Levitt? (scoffs)
(The business party is shown being held at Nygmatech, and the New and Improved Box is soon to be revealed. Bruce and Chase also attend the party)
NC (vo): So everyone gathers to see the new version of Nygma's box...
NC: Let it go.
NC (vo): ...as Nygma seems to be the toast of the town.
(One of Gotham's columnists, Gossip Gerty, played by Elizabeth Sanders (Bob Kane's last spouse), sees that Nygma has come with Sugar. At the same time, Nygma grimaces which makes the "excited he farted face count" go to 3)
Gerty: How does it feel to be the city's newest, most-eligible bachelor? Gotham must know! OH!
NC: (as LAG's jaw drops in shock) Is everyone's acting channeling a constant orgasm?
(One guest tries out the improved Box and sees his inner thoughts on screen: him being on vacation)
LAG (vo): You think that's bad? Check out this guy who tries Nygma's latest invention.
Gerty: You're dashing and a genius!
(The shot zooms on the guest in the background, who's waving his arms in excitement)
NC (vo): The hell was up with that guy?
LAG (vo): I think a rabid baboon would be less awkward.
(The scene is replayed with the "screeching monkey" sound effect)
Nygma: (to Chase) Shall we dance?
(He takes Chase's hand and joins her on the dancing floor, giving Bruce a look)
NC (vo; as Nygma): I was asking you.
(Having nothing to do, Bruce decides to enter the Box. His brainwaves and thoughts start to be displayed on the screen. But Two-Face, Spice and the thugs crash the party and shoot out the power. Bruce snaps out of it and runs off, returning later as Batman, jumping from above via breaking the window)
LAG (vo): So while therapist and the world's greatest detective couldn't figure out this is the Riddler, Wayne is duped into a mind-reading machine, which is interrupted by Two-Face. This gives time for him to break free and, once again, refuse to enter through a door.
Guest with Glasses: (pointing up happily) Batman! Yeah!
LAG: Are there any normal extras in this movie?
NC (vo): They put on a stunt show and try doing their version of the Raiders of the Lost Ark gun scene....
(One of the thugs does some quick fight moves in front of Batman, but the latter just knocks him out with his foot)
NC: (shaking head) It doesn't work.
NC (vo): Don't worry, we don't blame you, Stunt Man Not in Any Way Resembling Val Kilmer, as Two-Face moves on to phase two.
(Two-Face and three of his thugs run into the elevator. Two-Face cackles before the doors close)
NC (vo; as Two-Face): By the way, I can't sanction your buffoonery!
(Before Batman can run off, the "Kilmer mouth open count" checks to 5. Two-Face, walking down the stairs, shoots in the sky thrice. Each time he does it, NC imitates the crow, the duck, and the chicken, as if Two-Face has shot them. The fight scene then follows, during which, the "pointless slow-mo count" and "Kilmer mouth open count" change to 5 and to 7 respectively)
NC (vo): Ooh, look! We have two pointless slo-moes and two Kilmer's mouths hanging open.
LAG: And yet, I feel so...empty. (looks away sadly; NC puts his hand on LAG's hand in support)
NC (vo): But Two-Face blasts him under a mountain of sand.
(Two-Face buries Batman in sand and laughs evilly again)
LAG: (as Two-Face) Enjoy! It's coarse, rough and it gets everywhere!
(Dick then appears, wearing his acrobat suit, and pulls Batman out of the sand. But when Bruce and Dick are back in the Batcave, Bruce doesn't look pleased)
LAG (vo): But his Dick saves him, making Bruce surprisingly unhappy.
Bruce: What the hell did you think you were doing?!
NC: (as Bruce) I had it out from this movie!
NC (vo): They bicker and argue, but Bruce has no time for that. He's got a horny honey he's secretly stalking.
(Bruce sits to the Batcomputer and watches footage of Chase on its monitors)
Bruce: Even Chase calls being Batman a curse. I've never been in love before.
(Pictures of Vicki Vale and Selina Kyle from previous movies are shown with the caption "EXCUSE YOU?????")
Alfred: Perhaps the lady is just what the doctor ordered. She seems lovely and wise.
(LAG and NC look at one other, puzzled by that statement, and ponder as the montage of clips focusing on Chase's infatuation with Batman follows)
Chase: Hot entrance. / My place, midnight. / What is it about the wrong kind of man? / (her sighing as she touches Batman's chest) / Do I need skintight vinyl and a whip?
LAG: Honestly, I think she's a creepier fan than Nygma.
(Bruce visits Chase at night as Batman)
LAG (vo): Nevertheless, Batman visits her and she admits she's more in love with Bruce than him.
(As Chase confesses to Batman that she loves Bruce more, the "Kilmer mouth open count" goes to 10 immediately, with the caption "He does it a lot here" shown)
Chase: I'm sorry. I'm wishing you were somebody else. I've met someone. I hope you can understand.
NC: (as Chase) It's not even his personality, it's just something about his jawline. (strokes his chin, smiling)
LAG: (as Batman) Aw, come on!
LAG (vo): And this, of course, gives us the Bat-nerp.
(Bruce turns back to leave Chase and...actually smiles in satisfaction as NC and LAG imitate Goofy's famous chuckle. Meanwhile, Nygma shows Two-Face Bruce's memories and fears he got at the party)
LAG (vo): However, Nygma shows us the results of a Bruce Wayne mind-reading.
Riddler: Riddle me this. (Two-Face chuckles) What kind of man has bats on the brain?
NC: (as Two-Face) Aquaman?
(Bruce tells Dick that, now that he has found happiness with Chase, he will retire as Batman)
NC (vo): While that's going on, Batman decides to give up his night job.
Bruce: From this day on, Batman is no more. Chase is coming over for dinner. I'm going to tell her...everything.
LAG: So, just remember, folks: it wasn't a supervillain or a dangerous stunt that ended Batman's career. It was a horny psychologist and his whiny Dick.
NC: ...Actually, that makes a little too much sense.
(Chase enters the Wayne Manor. In the meantime, Alfred sees some children trick-or-treating via the peephole)
NC (vo): Bruce invites Chase over to tell her everything, while kids go trick-or-treating at his house.
Kids: Trick or treat! (Alfred smiles and closes the peephole)
LAG (vo; as Alfred): Release the hounds.
(While Bruce kisses Chase, making her realize he is Batman, Dick is shown leaving Gotham, being disappointed about Bruce's decision. Then, we see Two-Face and the Riddler laughing behind the fence as the "excited he farted face count" changes to 4)
NC (vo): As Bruce continues to have flashbacks, his Dick flees in disgrace, and the Riddler and Two-Face find a way to sneak in.
(Alfred comes to look in the peephole again and sees Two-Face and the Riddler in Halloween masks)
Two-Face and the Riddler: Twick or tweat!
(The Riddler then knocks Alfred out with his staff, but when Alfred falls, he actually moves the tray he was holding away a little)
NC (vo): And don't forget to move that tray away from the door. There you go.
(The duo of villains and their thugs destroy the Batcave and take Chase hostage. To decide what to do with Bruce, Two-Face flips his coin, but it shows him the head side. He flips it again: same side. He flips it yet again, and now it's tails)
LAG (vo): They blow up the Batcave, kidnap Chase Meridian, and Two-Face keeps flipping his coin until he gets the side he wants.
LAG and NC: (grinning) Just like the comic!
(Two-Face shoots in Bruce's forehead, and he falls unconscious. Two-Face then walks up to Bruce in an over-the-top fashion to finish him off)
NC (vo; as Two-Face, singsong): I can't sanction this buffoonery! Too much buffoonery!
Riddler: NO!! If you kill him, he won't learn nothing.
(They cackle and guffaw, and the "excited he farted face count" is now 5. In the morning, Bruce wakes up in bed, and Alfred informs Bruce about the impact of the raid and the last riddle left. Meanwhile, Chase is shown addressing the Riddler at his lair)
NC (vo): As Bruce wakes up, he's told what happened, and the Riddler gets to continue his annoying Jim Carrey impression.
Chase: Batman will come for me.
Riddler: Batman? Batman, you say?! (jumps down) Coming for you?! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
NC: (hand on cheek) I'd say this is over-the-top even for him...
(Gossip Gerty, Stickley and the guest with glasses are shown in quick montage)
LAG (vo): But seeing how the rest of Gotham acts...
LAG: ...I'd say he fits right in.
(At night, Gordon and the police officer turn the Bat-Signal on, but suddenly, green rays form the question mark in the sky)
Gordon: (points up) There!
Officer: Who the hell is doing that?
LAG: Catwoman. Who do you think?!
(Alfred and Bruce are shown solving all four riddles)
LAG (vo): Meanwhile, Bruce and Alfred try to figure out the meaning of the riddles, realizing there's a number in each one and perhaps they represent the alphabet.
Alfred: 18 is "R". "M-R-E".
Bruce: Mr. E. Another name for mystery?
Bruce: Mr. E. Nygma. Edward Nygma.
NC: (as Alfred, holding an envelope) There's also a return address from Edward Nygma Industries, but your way worked, too.
(Having found out the location of the Riddler's lair, Claw Island, Bruce decides to return to being Batman and unveils his last suit)
LAG (vo): And if, for a split second, you forgot Joel Schumacher directed this...
(The camera focuses on the suit's rear part. The infamous image of the rapper Rich Boy biting his lip appears with the caption "BAT ASS" and the porno music playing in the background. Then, Dick steps out of the shadows, wearing the purple-colored costume he made)
LAG (vo): But he's not the only one who has to look ridiculous.
Batman: "R"? What's that stand for?
(Dick turns his head aside to say his identity's name)
LAG: (as Dick) Ralph. (NC stares in confusion) I just always wanted to be called Ralph. (He looks on and whispers dreamily) Ralph...
NC (vo): Batman is rather easily convinced to let him come along now, as they go to stop the evildoers.
(Batman and Robin fly out of the cave in the redesigned Batplane. Robin screams as the Batmobile lands in the ocean)
LAG (vo; as Robin): Oh, I have no boat training! I don't wanna die in this thing!
(Gordon wants to shut the Bat-Signal off, thinking that Batman is not coming)
NC (vo): Thankfully, Batman also lets the police know they don't actually have to do their jobs.
(Batman flies by Gordon and the officer, and they cheer for him)
Gordon: Yeah! Hey, go!
(Batman thumbs up and flies off. The caption "MEME ME" is shown with Doug's voice saying it. Laughing, Gordon and the officer shake their hands)
LAG: (as Gordon, shaking hands with NC) Well, I guess our work is done.
(At Claw Island, more brainwaves come to the Riddler's lair. Playing Battleship, Two-Face and the Riddler spot the Batplane on the water and try to shoot it down)
NC (vo): Meanwhile, at Nickelodeon Studios, the Riddler and Two-Face try to foil our Dynamic Duo.
(The Riddler presses a button. Before the bomb can hit the Batplane, Robin pulls the "eject" lever, and he is catapulted somewhere)
NC (vo; as Batman): Oh, no. My Dick.
(All of a sudden, NC and LAG are now floating in space as the peaceful piano music plays in the background)
LAG: Hi. We've had a lot of fun with people named Dick today, but they're all good sports. So, the next time you see your local Dick, why not go up to him and say, "I know it's hard, Dick. Thank you."
(Smiling, NC mouths "Thank you", and "The More You Know" image slides in. LAG is puzzled at first, but then shrugs it off. Back to the movie, the Riddler presses the "Bonus" button to blast the Batplane with all the power of the brainwaves. The Riddler squeals in joy as the "excited he farted face count" ups to 6)
Riddler: I got him!
(The Batplane sinks)
NC: You know, between the Joker's gun and a green light, the Batplane is pathetically easy to take down, isn't it?
(Robin reunies with Batman, and they notice the island has the ground made of metal)
Robin: Holy rusted metal, Batman!
Robin: The ground, it's all metal! It's full of holes, you know. Holey.
NC: (laughs and waves off) We got ya! The movie wouldn't be so silly to put that kind of line in there!
LAG: (smirking) However, lines like this...
Batman: (to Chase) Are you trying to get under my cape, Doctor?
LAG: ...and this...
Batman: I'll get drive-through.
LAG: ...and this...
Batman: The car, right? Chicks love the car.
LAG: ...are totally fine.
LAG (vo): The two of them separate, leaving Robin to fight Two-Face alone.
(Robin locates Two-Face and knocks his gun out of his hands as the "pointless slow-mo count" checks to 6)
Robin: That was for my mother! (kicks him in the face with a leg) My father! (hits him in the chin) My brother!
NC: (as Robin, holding LAG (as Two-Face) by the shirt and hitting him after each sentence) My goldfish! My dog! My uncle you never met!
LAG: (as Two-Face) I hope you have a small family... (is hit again)
(Batman goes inside the lair and meets Two-Face and the Riddler, the latter wearing a white sparkling leotard with question marks on it)
NC (vo): Batman reaches the Riddler, who looks like (pictures of...) Elton John, Liberace and Syndrome fused by Satan, as he reveals his evil plan.
Riddler: Soon my little Box will be on countless TVs around the world, feeding me credit-card numbers, bank codes, sexual fantasies and little white lies.
(NC and LAG are stunned)
LAG: Wow, that's...actually kind of...relevant.
NC: Yeah, like... legit clever commentary.
NC: (points to camera) I am NOT saying this is ahead of its time!
NC: I am NOT saying this is ahead of its time!
(The Riddler then gives Batman a choice of saving either Robin or Chase, who are both bound and gagged with duct tape in glass tubes above the water, whereas the one he doesn't rescue will be killed)
LAG (vo): He shows that he captured Chase and Robin...in fact, he (Batman) weirdly looks less shocked that Robin is captured than Chase...
NC (vo; as Batman): Seriously? Day one, and you got caught?
LAG (vo): ...and the Riddler makes him choose which one dies.
Riddler: Which one will it be, Batman? Bruce's love? Or the Dark Knight's junior partner?
LAG: (as Batman) I'll have the lasagna.
NC (vo): But Batman seems to have a riddle for the Riddler.
Batman: I see without seeing. (He secretly prepares his Batarang) To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?
LAG and NC: The writers.
Riddler: You're as blind as a bat!
(Batman throws the Batarang to destroy the giant Box above)
LAG (vo): He puts on his computer specs, because he needed help to hit the giant blender in the middle of the room, and the Riddler is turned into...
(The Riddler's mind is warped and his face is smeared as the brainwaves go right into his mind)
LAG: ...Pizza dough? I have no idea.
(The Riddler, losing his power, drops Chase and Robin out of their tubes to their dooms, until Batman saves them both)
NC (vo): The Riddler ends up dropping them, but thankfully, Batman's ego weighs more than them, so he's able to defy the laws of gravity to save them.
LAG (vo; as Batman): In answer to what I choose, Nygma, I choose the same double answer that Spider-Man took! Go, me!
Robin: (hanging onto Batman while sighing in relief) Thanks.
LAG: (as Batman) You're welcome. It was a mistake bringing you and I'm never doing this again.
(Just as the trio make it to safety, Two-Face confronts them, holding a gun)
Two-Face: No more riddles, no more curtains one and two, just plain curtains! (Laughs)
NC: (grinning) I like curtains.
Batman: Aren't you forgetting something, Harvey? Your coin. You're always of two minds about everything.
LAG: Except when it's not, which we've established is most of the time.
(As Two-Face is about to flip his coin, Batman flips dozens of coins at Two-Face, heavily confusing him and causing him to fall off the bar he was standing on and down to his death)
NC (vo): Batman makes it clear that it's wrong for Robin to kill, but him, on the other hand, he can totally keep looking for other faces to kill, and this one is two for one. He...kind of explains this to Nygma.
(Batman approaches a defeated Riddler)
LAG (vo; as Riddler): Ooh, I should have gotten vaccinated.
Batman: You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman, not because I have to be, now...because I choose to be.
LAG: (as Batman) Did I mention I'm not gonna be in the next Batman movie?
(The Riddler is sent to Arkham Asylum, where Chase is at to consult on his case along with another doctor)
NC (vo): He's sent to Arkham Asylum, where the doctor is concerned about what he knows.
Dr. Burton (Rene Auberjonois): Edward Nygma has been screaming for hours that he knows the true identity of Batman.
LAG (vo; as Dr. Burton): And why my name is in the opening credits even though I only have one line.
Chase: (to the Riddler in his cell) Dr. Burton tells me...you know who Batman is.
(The Riddler appears in a straitjacket and instead claims that he is Batman, revealing he has completely gone insane)
LAG (vo; as Riddler): Ben Affleck!
NC (vo; as Chase): Okay, he's clearly nuts.
LAG (vo): Bruce says goodbye to Chase. So I guess he did choose Batman over Bruce Wayne.
NC (vo): Kind of cheating.
(Batman and Robin are shown running towards the camera as the film ends)
LAG (vo): And our Dynamic Duds run triumphant-ish into the night.
(After the film ends, we see the final scores of the three counters this film had. Val Kilmer's mouth open has a score of 10, Schumacher's slow-motion has a score of 6, and Jim Carrey's excited faces has a score of 6. Mocker suddenly appears again)
Mocker: Ha! Holds up pretty well, doesn’t it?
NC: Well, while we appreciate you standing there in silence the whole time…
Mocker: Yeah, I like to listen.
LAG: We still can’t say it’s a good Batman movie.
(Footage of the film plays out as NC and LAG give their final thoughts)
NC (vo): I mean, okay, it’s not Batman & Robin, and it’s meant to be lighter in tone, but it just seems confused on whether it wants to be a comedy like the Adam West show, a drama like the Burton movies, and thus, it turns out it doesn’t succeed in either.
LAG (vo): Granted, it does have a few good ideas and the visuals are still rather stunning in many respects, but it plays everything too safe, and that’s not how Batman should be handled.
NC (vo): Batman should be different, memorable and inspired. This film is either annoyingly odd or boringly generic. If it didn’t have the "Batman" name on it, it’d probably be forgotten quickly as a superhero flick.
LAG (vo): It’s not the worst, but it’s not that good either. It’s a strange installment, but not that strange enough to leave that big of an impact.
Mocker: Well, I respect your opinion. (sighs) Come on, why don't we all sit down and have some tea together? I've already made some for Malcolm and Tamara.
(Malcolm and Tamara are shown at the couch drinking tea from cups with 60s-styled logos "Batman" and "Batgirl" on them)
Malcolm: He really is a nice guy. (notices that Tamara has her hands on him and slowly makes her to touch her face, which she approves)
LAG: You know...why not?
NC: Yeah, I mean, I know I don't always like your movies, Mocker, but you seem like a decent down-to-earth guy.
Mocker: Well, I really appreciate that, thank y-
(Suddenly, he is shot in his chest and falls, dead! LAG and NC gasp. Everyone turns over to see the killer was...a guy in a Spider-Man costume (if you look closely, he also fell for the nipple trick))
Tamara: The Red Lobster!
("The Red Lobster" then raises his hands, clicks them like Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama and runs away. NC and LAG stand up. NC points to "The Red Lobster"s direction, accidentally bumping LAG in the nose)
NC: THIS ISN'T OVER, LOBSTEEEEEEER!!!
(The screen then freezes on "The Red Lobster" and goes gray as the caption "The Red Lobster is Still at Large" appears. We go to the end credits)
Channel Awesome tagline - Gossip Gerty: Gotham must know! OH!