Batman v Superman
April 19, 2016
"Angry Joe helps the Nostalgia Critic take a look at the crossover everybody wanted but nobody returned to see again."
- Video Description
(We start off today's episode on a rainy night as the Nostalgia Critic turns on the Joe Signal. He scans the skies before seeing AngryJoe hovering above him. Joe lands and the two square off against each other)
NC: You ready?
Joe: Yeah. Let's do this.
(We then cut to the office of Zack Snyder (played by Walter Banasiak) where he's at his computer. The door is heard opening as NC and Joe stare him down)
Zack: Ah, hey, guys. What's up?
(Joe cracks his knuckles loudly before we go to the NC2016 opening. After that, we cut to Joe and NC sitting at Zack's desk)
Zack: So, what do you think of our prequel to DC's Avengers Part 1? We accomplished what Marvel did in several movies with just one movie, with the exact same results.
NC: (gritting through his teeth) I'd rather we saw a good Batman v Superman movie.
Zack: What? I thought you liked it.
Joe: Kind of.
Zack: But you did like it?
Zack: Well, then, what's the problem?
Joe: People have been waiting years to see this team-up.
NC: Yeah, and the choices you made were just so...so...
(The logo for the movie is shown)
NC (vo): This is arguably the most anticipated comic book movie of all time, in that people have been waiting to see it before it was even announced. (Comics of Batman and Superman together are shown) There have been several comics where Batman and Superman are together, (Clip from the Superman episode, "World's Finest") as well as cartoons. (Clips and posters of Batman 1989, Superman 1978, The Dark Knight, Superman Returns, Batman Forever and Man of Steel) But, despite there being tons of Batman and Superman movies, there had never been one with them together. (Picture from Avengers: Age of Ultron) However, with the Marvel crossovers proving to be exceptionally successful, DC felt it was time to throw their hat into the ring, and use this as a means to start their own DC Cinematic Universe. Despite a very strong opening, its box office dropped a shocking 68% the following weekend. How bad is that? (Poster of) Batman & Robin's second weekend had a 63% drop. Wow. That means more people went back to see that film rather than Batman vs. Superman. What the hell have you done, Zack?
Zack: All right, well, why don't you just start from the beginning of the film?
Joe: All right!
(NC takes out the DVD for Batman Begins)
Zack: Wait, wait. You're just playing a few minutes from Batman Begins.
NC & Joe: Exactly!
(SPOILERS! jump onto the screen while doing the Batman 1963 horns. We then cut to Doug Walker and Tamara Chambers as Thomas and Martha Wayne being killed by Malcolm Ray while Tamara as a young Bruce Wayne cries out)
NC (vo): After showing a flashback we've seen done so much I'm surprised there's not action figures of it (The transition has a Dead Parents Action Set), we cut to yet another flashback of Bruce driving through Metropolis while it was being destroyed by Zod.
(Doug as Bruce Wayne is shown shooting a gun around while running to a phone as explosions go off as he gets a phone from his car)
Bruce: Hey, Business Associate, you have to get out of Metropolis.
(Malcolm is that Business Associate totally unaware of Zod's ship outside the window)
Malcolm: Why? (He looks outside and sees the ship blasting into Metropolis) Oh, wow, good thing you called me. I never would've looked out the window to notice that.
(That's when the building he's in explodes and his body lands in front of Bruce)
Bruce: I will avenge you, Man the Audience Barely Even Knows, as well as all the lives we're now acknowledging might be Superman's fault!
(The transition now has a sign of a sign that says "Metropolis Lives Matter" as we cut to Tamara in a bathtub)
Joe (vo): Flash forward a year later, as, thank God, Lois figures out Clark Kent is Superman, and they discuss their future together.
(Joe as Clark Kent is shown coming in with a bag of groceries)
Lois: Clark, I'm concerned. People have been shot to death in the desert and they're blaming you for...some...reason. Hey, Zack, what's that about?
Clark: Yeah, what's that about?
Zack: Well, if you can't see how they'd mistake Superman shooting people to death...
NC: Yeah, who do they think he is, Batman?
Zack: I don't think I have to explain the obvious. Besides, this leads to a very deep conversation.
Lois: I just don't know if what you are doing is right, or if it is right, it's just going to make things worse.
(She hears water splashing, and turns to see Clark, now standing in the bathtub)
Lois: You're standing in the bathtub.
Clark: I'm standing in the bathtub.
Lois: I feel like we were discussing some very important issues here.
Clark: But, I'm standing in the bathtub.
Lois: Yeah, good point.
(Clark takes off his jacket and bends down as the scene transitions, with a picture of Clark and Lois and the caption "Tub Rub", to Lex Luthor (played by Trevor Mueller))
NC (vo): But it looks like one of the people intimidated by Supers is Lex Luthor, played, remarkably without an apology, by Jesse Eisenberg.
(Luthor approaches a man, played by Malcolm Ray)
Luthor: Hey, Mr. Senator Man! Look what I got! (Points to a chunk of Kryptonite) A shiny green rock that can weaken Kryptonians! (Suddenly, Luthor is behind the Senator) I'll let you have it if you give me access to Zod's ship.
Senator: You seem completely unbalanced. Why would I give you access to any of that?
(Luthor runs back to face the Senator, and holds up a pack of Jolly Ranchers)
Luthor: Because I've got Jolly Ranchers!
(Luthor shoves a Jolly Rancher into the Senator's mouth)
Luthor: By the way, Wonder Woman's in this movie.
(Luthor and the Senator face the screen, as Wonder Woman, played by Tamara Chambers, walks by the scene)
Wonder Woman: Hello.
(Luthor pours the rest of the jolly ranchers on the senator)
Zack: Okay, so, what's the problem? Come on.
(AngryJoe is about to punch Snyder, until NC holds him back)
NC: First: Jesse Eisenberg. Second...
NC (vo): If Superman took down military satellites trying to track him, why the hell didn't he take Zod's ship, a weapon from Krypton, away from them?
Joe: Third: Jesse Eisenberg. Fourth...
Joe (vo): There's no reason for Luthor to hate Superman here. In the comics and movies, Superman foils his evil plans constantly. So it makes sense to try to kill him. But in this movie, if anything, Lex Luthor benefits from Superman as he said he has contracts to rebuild everything that was destroyed. His motivations are completely backward.
Zack: Well, like everyone else, he's afraid of Superman's massive power and ability to destroy.
NC: (beat) He makes Doomsday later!
(An image of Doomsday is shown)
NC (vo): That's like five Supermans with a fist for a brain*!
*(Note: In the movie, Lex Luthor's main motive was to destroy Superman because, yes, he sees him as a threat, but also because Luthor thinks of himself as the superior one, as a powerful being in the world, and is fixated on defeating Superman and proving to the world that Superman is not an all-powerful and all-good superhuman)
Joe: And what's that other thing? Oh, yeah. (simultaneous with NC) JESSE EISENBERG!
NC: (simultaneous with AngryJoe) JESSE EISENBERG!
NC (vo): Whether you want to call him Lex Luthor Jr., or whatever, this is a beyond awkward performance.
Joe (vo): Even at his corniness, Lex is a powerful, charming, diabolical mastermind. He always had a cool attitude, a business-type mindset, and a suave calculating demeanor.
Zack: Well, at least he introduces Clark Kent to Bruce Wayne. That will really get them hating each other.
NC: Yeah, but why?
NC (vo): We have a vague understanding of why Batman hates Superman, but there's really no reason Superman should hate Batman*.
*(In the movie, Superman's reason is also a vague understanding, but still clear. Superman sees Batman as a threat because of Batman's more dark and violent ways of fighting crime than Superman's ways)
(Bruce Wayne and Clark Kent see each other, and walk towards each other, grabbing each others' shirt collars, glaring)
Clark: (angry tone) Nice to meet you, Bruce Wayne.
Bruce: (angry tone) The pleasure's all mine, Clark Kent.
Clark: I hear Batman is trampling on civil liberties, making people live in fear, thinking he's above the law.
(The music for "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" starts to play, showing Superman's Stats: Trampled on Civil Liberties = 29,385, People Living in Fear of Him = 3.5 Billion, Times Working with the Law = 0)
Bruce: I hear Superman is powerfully dangerous, putting tons of people in harm's way, and if there's even a 1% chance that he's unstable, he must be destroyed.
(The music plays again, showing Batman's Stats: People Who Think He's Powerfully Dangerous = 2.7 Million, People Harmed by Him = GOD KNOWS, Psychiatrists Who Say Dressing up as a Bat is WAY PAST 1% Unstable = 9, 254,902,764)
Bruce: By the way, Wonder Woman's in this movie.
(Tamara as Wonder Woman walks by again)
Wonder Woman: Hello.
(Lex Luthor suddenly appears with a cartoony sound effect)
Luthor: Howdy, boys! God, I love bringing people together. This reminds me of the time--
(Luthor continues talking incoherently)
Bruce: Who's the pipsqueak?
Clark: That's Lex Luthor.
Clark: Afraid so.
Bruce: Does he ever shut up?
Clark: I don't know. Let's ask him.
(Luthor is interrupted when Clark and Bruce both backhand him in the face. Luthor falls down, and gets back up, now having two black eyes)
Luthor: Well, I guess I had that coming. See you later, boys. Smokin'!
(Luthor runs away in a cartoony way, with his neck stretching as his body runs away (the sound effect of the Mask's "ayiyiyiyiyi" is heard here), before being jerked out of the frame).
Clark: This is like a bad dream, man.
Bruce: No, that's my department.
Bruce: Yeah. I want most people to say "He was such a good Batman that he could do most of it in his sleep", so, I do most of it in my sleep. In fact, this is a dream sequence right now.
(Now Clark's head is replaced by a horse's head and is voiced by Malcolm Ray)
Clark: No kidding.
(Bruce lets go of Clark's collar, and starts clutching his head as the background changes into a trippy effect. A high pitch echoing voice starts speaking)
Voice: SUBPLOTS, FUTURE CHARACTERS, THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND YET, SO IT MUST BE CLEVER!!!
(Wonder Woman walks by again)
Wonder Woman: Hello.
(Bruce sits up with a start, and Alfred (played by Jim Jarosz) sits up beside him)
Alfred: Master Wayne, what is it?
Bruce: (sighs) I just don't know, Commissioner Alfred. I just feel like the motivations of the next film are being figured out before the motivations of this film.
Alfred: Well, that's still not going to get me grandchildren anytime soon.
Bruce: (sighs) Not this again.
Alfred: Yes, this again!
(The scene transitions with an explosion to the Batmobile driving as explosions are happening beside it)
Joe (vo): It gets even weirder when Batman is chasing down some criminals that have the Kryptonite, and Superman literally stops him right in his track for pretty much no reason!
(Superman lands in front of the Batmobile, bringing it to a sudden stop)
Batman: (waving) Well, bye, only weakness that can kill (points as Superman) you!
Superman: I hate you!
Superman: Because you're a vigilante.
Batman: You're a vigilante! I hate you because you are responsible for a ton of deaths!
Superman: You're responsible for a ton of deaths!
Batman: That's ridiculous! I value human life much more than you ever will!
(As Batman talks, he shoots two guys that come up behind him, and has the Batmobile ram one down)
Superman: Just stop hypocritting where I'm hypocritting. Go back to Gotham. It's literally across the street!
Batman: Tell me something... Do you bleed?
(Superman comes up to hit Batman, only for Batman to panic)
Batman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We're cool. We're cool.
Superman: Yeah, that's what I thought. Listen, detective, if I'm so bloodthirsty as you say I am, why haven't I killed you already?
Batman: Because I intimidate you? (Superman gives a "what" expression on his face) Boo?
(Superman flies off with Batman watching)
Batman: You never answered me. Do you bleed? You will.
(Superman comes back)
Superman: What did you say?
Batman: Nothing. Nothing.
(Superman flies up, only to ground pound the Batmobile and fly off again)
Batman: Oh, real mature!
(And we go to commercial)
(We come back from commercial, at Zack's office)
Zack: Okay, so you guys don't think Batman and Superman have enough reasons to hate each other. But, hey, you gotta give me credit. Lex Luthor, his plan's pretty amazing.
(NC and Joe look at each other before asking the big question)
(Superman flies into the Capitol as Lex Luthor bounces around before pressing a button on a remote to blow it up)
Zack (vo): By inviting Superman to the Capitol building and blowing it up, causing people to hate him more.
NC: But even in the movie, they know he didn't do it.
Joe: And why would Superman use a bomb? He doesn't need one!
Zack: But it's okay, because it scares Superman into exile.
NC: W-was that Lex's plan?
Zack: ...I dunno. (Joe is flabbergasted) I mean, yes, yes, that's exactly what he wants.
Joe: Why does he make another Kryptonian, then?*
*(Note: The film does answer that question. Luthor created this in an attempt to prove to the world that he is the more powerful being than Superman, as well as to kill Superman as a backup plan)
(We are shown Lex popping up and down all over Zod's ship before approaching the camera, and holding up his hand. It shows a close up of his hand being scanned, and the words "Totally Kryptonian" appear on the bottom. The door opens and Lex walks in)
Joe (vo): He tricks the "incredibly advanced" Kryptonian technology using fake fingerprints, and forces it to (Shows the computer screen with Lex jumping up and down and a photo of Doug Walker's Zod. The words "DNA Cocktail" appear at the bottom) genetically combine his DNA with that of Zod's.
Computer (voiced by Tamara Chambers): You know, genetic mutation is forbidden by Kryptonians.
Lex: They're all dead, so it doesn't really matter.
Computer: Even though your fingerprints convince me otherwise, I'll roll with it.
NC: Don't you wish this is how all "advanced technology" worked? (He pulls out a phone)
Phone: This phone is password protected.
Joe: Yeah, but the guy who owned it died.
Phone: Oh, okay. Here's all his info.
Zack: Oh, hey, whose phone is that?
Joe: Oh, it's yours.
Zack: What? Ah, hey, give me that! (He tries to reach for the phone, but NC and Joe keep him from doing so by pushing him back)
NC: Oooh, look at all the Spartan porn.
Zack: I don't need this! I'm friends with Christopher Nolan!
(We cut to Clark in the mountains)
NC (vo): So, while in exile, Clark comes across his dead father (played by Rob Walker with Kevin Costner's face super imposed over his own) building a snow fort. This is either because: a) He's a ghost, b) Clark's hallucinating, c) More inconsistent Kryptonian technology, or d) If this is really your biggest question through all of this, you're on Quaaludes.
Johnathan: Man up.
Joe (vo): Meanwhile, Luthor's men (Walter and Malcolm) sneak up on Lois and kidnap her.
Lois: Oh, oh, don't worry. This happens all the time. I brought my own chloroform. (She blots a rag with chloroform and inhales it, knocking herself out)
NC (vo): And she wakes up on top of Lex's building.
Lex: Hello, my dear.
Lois: Aha! I knew it! Through my journalistic skills, I figured out it was you, thus completing my essential role to this film. (And she feels quite proud of herself)
Lex: Oh, you figured out that Lex Luthor was the bad guy, huh? Real brainscratcher there. Nobody else would've figured that one out. (Lois's smile starts to fade) You really solidified yourself as a necessity there. You know what I was doing while you were figuring out that incredible info? Figured out who Superman was, figured out who Batman was, and I planned two kidnappings to take place on the night that he was planning to finish him off. (He looks behind him and the Bat Signal comes on) See? See? There you go. And you know what the best part is? I did all of that offscreen! So even I don't know how I did all this impossible shit!
(Lex is now putting on a familiar purple jacket)
Lex: Phew, is it chilly up here or is that just the cold uselessness of your character?
Lois: Hey! I'm really important!
Lex: Oh, yeah, sure. Let's get to the one thing that we know you're good at.
(He pushes Lois off the building and walks away. Superman speeds on by and saves Lois)
Lois: Thank you! I really am important!
(Superman confronts Lex)
Superman: It's over, Luthor.
Lex: Your mama says blah!
Superman: Says blah?
Lex: No, but she will when I slit her throat.
(He holds up a picture of Tamara as Martha Kent being scared while the picture reads "How come you always know where LOIS is but not me? -Mom")
Lex: Now go kill Batman because I think it'd be cool!
(Superman then flies out to meet Batman for their battle)
Batman: This is it. We barely have a reason to hate each other except we hate the fact that the other one kills. I'll kill you for that!
(The two scream and charge at each other. Just as they're about to strike, we cut back to the office)
Zack: Eh? Ehhh? (Joe and NC are facepalming) Pretty high drama, huh? Look, isn't this it? Isn't this what you've always wanted to see?
NC: Yeah, it's what we've always wanted to see.
Joe: But, not why we wanted to see it.
(Pictures of Batman and Superman fighting in comics is shown)
NC (vo): We want to see Batman and Superman fight because they have different ideologies that we enjoy. One is dark and aggressive; the other is kind and hopeful. Seeing two points of view that are different, but we identify with go head and head is deep and conflicting drama.
Joe (vo): But Superman is fighting to save his mom, and Batman is fighting because he pretty much does what he does. I-It's not an epic fight if the motivation's weak. It is the literal definition of forced.
Zack: Yeah, but isn't it so cool the way Batman swings him around like a yo-yo?
(Shows Batman swinging Superman around)
NC & Joe: (unsure) Yeah.
Zack: And isn't it cool the way Superman (Batman holds out his hands as Superman punches him offscreen) punches him across the building?
NC & Joe: (unsure) Yeah.
Zack: And wasn't it cool how Batman sprays him with Kryptonite gas, so just minutes later, he can stab him with Kryptonite spear?!
(NC is about to answer what he and Joe answered before, then stops)
NC: Wait a minute. Why didn't he just stab him with the spear first?
Joe: Yeah, this is a battle of brains, as well as brawn. Why didn't Batman just stab him as his first move?
Zack: I...erm...well... Look, Aquaman's in the movie!
(A picture of Jason Momoa as Aquaman passes by)
Joe: Answer the question!
Zack: Okay, we did it so people could see more of them fighting! I'm cool!
NC: And there's your problem. They see them fighting, but they don't experience them fighting.
(A picture of a movie of two people fighting is shown)
NC (vo): Anyone can just watch two people fight. (A picture of Batman and Superman cosplayers is shown) Hell, you can take two strangers, put them in Batman and Superman costumes, and have them do cool stuff.
Joe (vo): But if you're constantly questioning "why" throughout the whole thing, you're not experiencing it. You're constantly being distracted by elements that don't add up.
Zack: But perhaps you didn't hear me... Aquaman's in the movie!
(Joe and NC facepalm, NC rubbing his temples, completely annoyed)
Joe: No, Zack. No.
(Batman is about to stab Superman with the spear, his foot on Superman's throat)
NC (vo): Batman has the upper hand until an amazing discovery is made.
Superman: (gagging) Martha!
Batman: What? What'd you say?
Superman: I need to save Martha!
Batman: Oh, my God! My mother's still alive!
Lois: No, you idiot! (She gives Batman a smack on the back of the head) Your mothers have the same name.
Batman: This instantly erases all hatred.
Superman: From now on, you and I will be best friends.
(The two heroes shake hands)
Lois: (Grabbing the spear) I'll throw this over here, then.
(She throws the spear away into some water off-screen before an explosion gets their attention)
Lex: Ha-ha! I've created the ultimate Kryptonian devil!
(Batman and Superman look at Lois)
Lois: I'll just go and grab that, then. (And then she goes into the water) Oh, Clark! I'm drowning in the water!
Superman: What is this, the fourth time? (Exasperated) I'll save you, Lois, and I'll grab the spear which is the only thing that weakens me. (Walks off-screen as Batman pats him on the back)
Lois: (off-screen) I'm important!
Superman: (off-screen) Yeah, you used to be.
Batman: (turns to the camera) And I'm Batman.
(Superman speeds over to Lex)
Lex: Ha-ha, I've done it! I've created the ultimate Kryptonian devil! (He offers a Jolly Rancher to Superman) Candy? (Superman smothers it in his face, making him clutch it) Oh, my face! Why'd you smear it all over my face?
Superman: What's going on here, Lex? I thought you hated Kryptonians. Now you've made another one? Your plan makes no sense.
(At this point, Lex Luthor has basically turned into the Joker!)
Lex: You don't get it. My plan is chaos. God vs. god! Anarchy! The bell has been rung! Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Let's put a smile on that face!
NC: You're portraying...Lex Luthor right now?
Zack: That's nothing. Wait till you see how well we understand Doomsday.
Zack: Yes, we wrote him so he's a combo of Lex and Zod's DNA, creating...
(We cut to Rob Walker as Doomsday, or more accurately, Lexzod, which is just Zod with long red hair)
Doomsday: Rawr, rawr. (Zack is confused by this version of Doomsday) I am your Doomsday, brrr! I WILL FIND HIM!
Zack: But that's not what Doomsday looks like!
Joe: Oh? What did you expect?
(Pictures of the comic version of Doomsday are shown)
Joe (vo): A monster evolved from cloning thousands of alien babies dying and being reborn until it created the ultimate killing machine?
Joe: Like in the comic?
NC: Well, why would that look anything like Zod and Luthor's goddamn DNA?
(Doomzod just continues to roar in the background)
NC (vo): A combination of Zod and Luthor should look exactly like that. (Pictures of the two are shown) Zod and Luthor. (Cut to a picture of the movie's version of Doomsday) Where did this double-sized, double-muscled, brain-dead, dick-missing creature come from? In fact, wait a minute... Lex Luthor combining his DNA with Kryptonian DNA to create an uncontrollable monster? That's (Picture of) Nuclear Man! Oh, my God! Zack Snyder is getting inspiration from Superman IV, the worst Superman movie ever!
Zack: But...but... WE GOT DOOMSDAY IN THE MOVIE!
Joe: Dude, this isn't a contest for how much shit you can jam into this movie. We loved these characters because they were given time to develop.
NC: Just because you give them the same name doesn't automatically make them the same character.
Zack: But what if we had the Flash?
Joe: Shut...the hell........UP!
(We see Doomsday looming over Batman and Superman)
Joe (vo): So, after Wonder Woman finally joins the team...
(Wonder Woman walks by)
Wonder Woman: Hello.
(This time Superman stops her)
Wonder Woman: Oh, I can stay this time? Awesome.
(All three heroes look intense as they face Doomsday)
Joe (vo): ...Batman has a great idea.
Batman: We need to lure him into the city towards the Kryptonite, where all the innocent people are.
Wonder Woman: Wouldn't it be easier to bring the easily transportable Kryptonite here?
Batman: (sighs) Don't you watch these movies? We don't save people from destruction, we bring it to them*!
*(Note: Actually, in the movie, unlike the last one, it was made clear that the whole area that the climax took place in was completely cleared)
Joe (vo): Then Superman has a great idea.
Superman: (grabbing the Kryptonite spear) I'm gonna sacrifice myself to save us all.
Wonder Woman: Are you sure?
Superman: Yes. Even though there's probably a thousand other ways we can be doing this right now, but...no, I'm gonna sacrifice myself.
Wonder Woman: No, I meant, are you sure you're gonna kill him? Because wasn't killing Zod a big deal in the first one?
Superman: Yeah, but I got over it.
Batman: We seem to do that a lot.
(Superman charges at Doomsday)
Doomsday: I WILL FIGHT HIM!
(Superman and Doomsday charge each other)
Joe (vo): Superman rushes towards Doomsday with the kryptonite spear, and...
Joe: He dies.
(Zack just has a silly and nervous grin on his face)
NC: Superman dies in the second movie.
Zack: Well, don't forget, there's even more than that.
(The Pieta painting is shown of the Virgin Mary cradling Jesus)
Zack (vo): We use even more Jesus symbolism. (The heads on the painting are replaced with Batman, Superman, Lois and Wonder Woman, with Xs over Superman's eyes) Don't worry, we'll get through all the stations of the Cross. (Lex Luthor is now in prison, head shaved bald and wearing an orange t-shirt) Luthor's sent to jail.
Lex: See? I have a bald head now. I'm totally Lex Luthor! Why so serious?
(Lois is reading a paper that has "SUPERMAN DEAD... AGAIN" as the headline which she cries into. There's also a headline that says "Clark Kent on Mysterious Vacation")
Zack (vo): And just when you think he's really gone for good, a few specks of dirt rise from his coffin.
Zack: Hinting that maybe, just maybe, he'll come back. Thus, we've combined the most famous Batman and Superman stories into one emotional package, giving you exactly what you've always wanted to see. Come on.
(NC and Joe look at each other before nodding. Joe zips up his jacket and gets up calmly, even dusting himself off. Then he roars "NOOOO!!!" at Zack as fire shoots out behind him, scaring Zack. NC's just calm throughout this)
Joe: You know what I wanna see?
Joe: I wanna see...
(Pictures of The Death of Superman are shown)
Joe (vo): ...the Justice League at his funeral, but now I can't! I wanna see a hero slowly stripped of his life in the ultimate battle instead of just being stabbed in one swoop, but now I can't! I wanna build a connection with this Superman the same way he built a connection with me in (shows tons of Superman comic covers at once) hundreds of stories, but now I can't! I want to fear that this might be the time that Superman doesn't make it back, but now I can't!
Joe: How many comics were there before Superman died?
Zack: I dunno!
Joe: Hundreds! Thousands! And how many movies did you make with him?
Joe: Two! You killed him in two movies and you barely even focused on him! You know what I wanna see? I wanna see you EARN Superman's death! This isn't fucking Jimmy Olsen. This is goddamn Superman! He deserves your time and respect!
(Joe sits back down at his seat while Zack is cowering behind his desk)
(Images of the comics about to be mentioned are shown as we begin to head to the closing thoughts)
NC (vo): This movie is trying to be Marvel, The Dark Knight, Wonder Woman, Justice League, the Death of Superman AND Batman vs. Superman, when Batman vs. Superman would've been more than enough. The reason we love so many of the stories you were trying to fit into this is because each one was its own individual story. The Death of Superman wasn't also a prequel to Suicide Squad or the retelling of Dark Knight Returns. It allowed us to focus on one story and get invested. Sure, you have to compromise a story when it comes to making a movie, but when you lose the heart and soul of what made that story so special, is it worth just squeezing in instead of devoting the time it deserves?
(Zack comes out from under his desk)
Zack: So, uh, that's what you really think, huh? (The two nod) Well, I'm sorry that my movie didn't please you in the least.
NC: Oh, no, a lot of it was pretty awesome.
(Zack is stunned by the two suddenly saying something positive about the film)
(Images of the movie are shown as the closing thoughts continue)
Joe (vo): As much as so many of those scenes suck, there's a lot of scenes that are freaking amazing. The action, the visuals, (Ben) Affleck as Batman, (Jeremy) Irons as Alfred. When it did certain parts of the comic right, it was a pretty kickass film.
Zack: So, wait, did you like it or not?
(The two are unsure about their final answer)
Joe: I mean...
NC: It's not good, uh...
Joe: I am glad that I saw it.
NC (vo): If you're just looking for Batman and Superman to fight each other, you'll get it. It's just not in a story that makes any sense.
Joe (vo): It's got a lot of cool scenes that are hard to say not to go check it out, so in a strange way, I'm still recommending it.
NC: I suppose that's all over the map, but then again, your movie's all over the map, so I guess it comes full circle.
Zack: (confused) If those are your thoughts, then why'd you come all the way out here, then?
Joe: Well, uh, we were thinking that maybe we could write the next one?
(NC and Joe have goofy and idiotic smiles on their faces as Zack now looks completely annoyed at what the duo just said. We cut to the door as NC and Joe leave the office with black eyes on their left and right eyes respectively)
NC: That is a very violent man.
(The two slowly walk away. And we come to the credits)
Channel Awesome Tagline: Batman: And I'm Batman.