Beauty and the Beast Part 1 (With Some Jerk With A Camera

Batb some jerk 1

Original Air Date
September 9, 2014
Running time
Brows Held High

(Open with the main title for “Brows Held Hugh” in the style of the opening main title for Disney’s “Beauty and The Beast.” Music is heard in the Style of “Belle” from the Disney film. Fade to Kyle Kallgren, reading from the original “Beauty and the Beast” Book at a hotel for Magfest 2014. After reading a bit, he looks up to face us.)

Kyle: (Singing)

Brows Held High, my respected web show

I opine for a couple bucks

Brows Held High, everybody loves it

All my colleagues say...

(Cut to the following reviewers)

Pushing Up Roses: (Holds up copy of “Daria’s Inferno”) It sucks!

Bennett The Sage: (Holds up copy of “Love Hina: Spring Movie”) It sucks!

Todd In The Shadows: (Holds up a “Guitar Hero” guitar) It sucks!

Last Angry Geek: (Holds up copy of “Spawn/Batman”) It sucks!

Nostalgia Critic: (Holds up copy of “The Cell”) It sucks!

(Cut back to Kyle)

Kyle: (Annoyed) Figures. (Back to singing)

In 1946 the Reich had fallen

And France no longer said “Sieg Heil!”

And from this new status quo

Came a man named Jean Cocteau

And he made a fairy tale...

Linkara: (interrupts) Good morning, Kyle!

Kyle: Good morning Monsieur!

Linkara: Where are you off to?

Kyle: Reviewing a movie. I found the most wonderful story about the nature of love and the creative process and an allusion to Orpheus...

Linkara: (He doesn’t care and interrupts) That’s nice. (Off screen) Viga! More cybermats! Hurry up!

(Kyle shrugs his arms and heads off, continuing to read his book. He passes by Nash, Film Brain, Rap Critic, Phelous and Obscurus Lupa)

Nash, Film Brain, and Rap Critic: (Singing)

Look there he goes

He thinks he’s smart or something

A most pretentious Cinephile

Obscurus Lupa: (Singing)

With a condescending gaze

Phelous: (Singing)

And an allergy to praise

ALL FIVE: (Signing)

What a brows-held-highfalutin prick, that Kyle!

(Cut to more reviewers)

Chris The Nerd: (Signing, holding copy of “House At the End of the Street”)

It sucks!

Ianonne: (Singing, holding copy of “Slap Shot 3”)

It blows!

Miss Nightmare: (Singing, holding copy of a “Nightmare Before Christmas” manga)

It raped my childhood!

Mikey Insanity: (Singing, holding copy of “Mars Needs Moms”)

It’s bad!

Media Hunter: (Singing, holding copy of “Foodfight”)  

It’s worse!

Linkara: (Singing, holding copy of "Alone In The Dark")

It's Uwe Boll!

(Cut back at Back at Magfest)

Rosenhacker: (Holds up copy of “A Karate Dog”)

It's dumb!

Shea: (Singing, holds copy of “Zero Girl”)

It’s weird!

R.L. King: (Singing holding copy of “Pearl Harbor”)

It’s got Ben Affleck!

Kyle: (Pops up behind them, Singing, and holding copy of “La Belle et la Bette”)

It delves into a tortured artist's soul!

(They he’s talking about the films and comic they’re holding.)

All 3: What?

Rosenhacker: How is this art?

R.L. King: Artists have souls?

SHEA: I can torture Sam Kieth?!

(While walking and reading, Ven Gethenian, Kyle’s title card artist and line producer for “Brows Held High,” runs up to Kyle, giving him a big hug.)

Ven: Hi Kyle!

Kyle: Hi Ven, you caught me in the middle of an all-max (I think that’s what he said) musical episode.

Ven: (Interested) Ooh, can I sing?

Kyle: (doesn’t want to) Well, I’d have to write you a whole bit and do an AR session…

Ven: (Interrupts and grabs him by his lapel) Kyle, I have been working with you for years. I am just as good a singer, if not better. I NEED TO SING!

Kyle: (Scared) Yes.

Ven: (Lets go of his lapel) Really?

Kyle: Ven, I can’t let you not sing. I refuse to do a musical episode including a subplot where someone tries to sing but can’t. It is, literally, the only character trait that Doug has ever writer for me, I REFUSE TO DO IT! (See Moulin Rouge review and To Boldly Flee: Part 7 for more details)

Ven: (Exited) When do we start?

Kyle: Later, I’m doing a bit. (Walks away)

Ven: (Still enthusiastic) Ok!

(Kyle then passes by…)

Diamanda Hagan: (Singing)

He only touches films we’ve never heard of

Can you believe he has such guile?

Omega Geek: (Singing)

Why should we click on a link,

If we don’t know what to think?

Both: (Singing)

No, I just don’t understand the ways of Kyle.

(Cut to Kyle sitting at a fountain reading, and enjoying the book)

Kyle: (Singing)

Oh, it needs no announcing,

Just how many hearts this tale has moved.

Ev’n if they fail pronouncing

The name “Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve”

(we then hear a voice off screen)

Girl: (Yells) It’s Jeanne-Marie Leprince de Beaumont, dip shit!

Kyle: (Yells to girl) He just did the abridged version!

Girl: (Yells) Still Rules!

Kyle: (Yells and walks to her) I WILL FIGHT YOU ON THIS!

(Cut to the fight [Which Kyle is losing], but it’s in the left of the frame. In the middle of the frame pops up PawDugan)

Paw: (Singing)

Hello, I’m Paw and now it’s time for Best/Worst! (the captions for Best/Worst from “Music Movies” appear)

The best is obviously me!

And the worst is yonder snob (Kyle)

Who disliked Les Misérables

Do I really have to spell it out?

(A chorus of Elisa Hansen, Leo Thompson, David Ganssle, and others also pop up)

Chorus: (Singing)

I think you have to spell it out

Paw and Chorus: (Singing

Alright, let’s spell it out! K-Y-L-E!

(Cut to Some Jerk With a Camera aka Tony Goldmark, finishing a review at Magfest, filmed by Masked Slasher)

Jerk: And that’s why I think Walt Disney should’ve been played by Samuel L. Jackson! Until next time, I’m Some Jerk With a Camera!

Masked Slasher: (turns off camera) Oh! That was an awesome shot, Jerk! Why, you’ve got to be the greatest white male, Jewish, over weight, bespectacled, theme park reviewer over 30 the world’s ever known.

Jerk: (Humbled and flattered by his words, he blows on the top of the camera as if it were smoke from a gun) I know.

Masked Slasher: No ride alive can withstand your review and no reviewer for that matter!

Jerk: (puts his arm around him) It’s true, Masked Slasher and I’m pointing my camera at that one! (Jerk is pointing his camera at Kyle on the ground being kicked by the Girl)

Masked Slasher: The “Brows Held High” guy?

Jerk: He’s the one, the lucky reviewer I introduce to the magic of mass entertainment!

Masked Slasher: But, he’s…

Jerk: (Interrupts) The most pretentious reviewer online!

Masked Slacher: I know, but…

Jerk: (interrupts again and turns to Masked Slasher) That makes him the worst! (Grabs Masked Slasher by his shirt) And don’t I not fail to never not deserve the worst?

Masked Slasher: (Confused,but decides to agree) Yyyyes.

Jerk: (Lets him go and turns to us, Singing)

In 1991 the Mouse was thriving

With Eisner, Katzenberg and Wells

When the studio unveiled

A new-fangled fairy tale

With a story line that rang a couple Belles....

(Follows Kyle, while passing the fangirl chorus: sung by Sonia Firster, Ellen McCarthy and Maribeth McCarthy, even though one of the fan girls is the Horror Guru, Josh Langland, he also is song by one of the girls.)


Hey look! Some Jerk!

He’s got a camera!

Who’s he? Dunno

I thought you knew

I think he does

Reviews of Disney

I’ve never seen his show so I’ve no clue

(Cut to a courtyard at Magfest where some people are having a Nerf gun war. Kyle walks through, oblivious from reading his book as Jerk follows. We also hear some reviewers and Kyle recorded singing)

Last Angry Geek (v/o): (Singing)

It sucks!

Pushing Up Roses (v/o): (Singing)

It blows!

Todd In The Shadows (v/o): (Singing)

It's crap!

Bennett The Sage (v/o): (Singing)

It's shit!

Nostalgia Critic (v/o): (Singing)

It's worse than cancer!

Last Angry Geek (v/o): (Singing)

It's overrated!

Pushing Up Roses (v/o): (Singing)

It's meh!

Bennett The Sage (v/o): (Singing)

It's drek!

Todd In the Shadows (v/o): (singing)

It's bleh!

Last Angry Geek (v/o): (Singing)

It's wack!

Pushing Up Roses (v/o): (Singing)

I feel unclean!

Kyle (v/o): (Singing)

So let's review!

Sampled Vocal (v/o): (Singing)

It stinks!

Last Angry Geek (v/o): (Singing)

It hurts!

Todd In the Shadows (v/o): (Singing)

It's hell!

Bennett The Sage (v/o): (singing)


Nostalgia Critic (v/o): (Singing)

It has no answers!

Pushing Up Roses (v/o): (Singing)

It's not that good!

Kyle: (Singing)

A timeless masterpiece of silver screen!

Jerk:  (Singing)

I’ll make that guy review a film we’ve SEEN!

(the nerf gun fighters, step in front of Jerk as the chorus)

Chorus: (Singing)

Look over there at the annoying douchebag

Who puts the artsy crap on trial!

What a wretched human bein’!

Insane Ian: I like him!

Jerk: (Singing)

Shut up, Ian!

Kyle: (Singing)

For my show’s next cinematic feast

I’m doing Beauty and the Beast!

Jerk: (Singing and links his arm with Kyle’s)

Well ya better do it RIGHT at least!

(Jerk snaps his fingers and He and Kyle teleport to the Disneyland!)

Chorus (v/o): (Singing)


It sucks! It sucks! It sucks it sucks it sucks it sucks!

Kyle: (looks around worried) I’ve been whisked away to a Disney theme park. I am as the boy who met the world.

Jerk: Magic of the jump cut, my friend! Welcome to the happiest place on Harbor Boulevard!

Kyle: (Uncomfortable) I feel like a targeted demographic.

Jerk: That”ll pass.

Kyle: (Notices his tie is now purple with a pattern of Mickey Mouse emblems on it) Why is my tie covered in Mickeys?

Jerk: Oh, that’s a side effect of the teleportation. It’ll probably go back and forth randomly through out this video. (Puts his arm over Kyle) Come one, cheer up, we’re at Disneyland!

Kyle: But (beat), why?

Jerk: Well, I figured If you’re gonna do Disney, why not go to the source.

Kyle: Disney?

Jerk: You’re reviewing “Beauty and the Beast,” yes?

Kyle: “La Belle Et La Bete,” oui.

Jerk: ‘K, my German is a little rusty, but I’m flattered and I don’t swing that way. (Tries to walk away.)

Kyle: Were you not listening during the song? (Jerk turns back around) Jean Cocteau’s “La Belle Et La Bete!”

(Cut to the a trailer of “La Belle Et La Bete”)

Kyle (v/o): Released in 1946, right after France’s liberation from German occupation and often seen as a kick-starter for post-war French cinema. This adaptaion of Villeneuve’s fairy tale of the same name was the child of the celebrated French poet, playwright, graphic artist and jack of all artistic trades, Jean Cocteau! (Snoring off screen begins) A surrealist romp through metaphor and allegory, with lush imagery by cinematography by Herni Alekan, this film…

(Cut back to Disneyland where Kyle notices he’s bored Jerk to sleep.)

Kyle: (Shoves Jerk) Wake up!

(Cut to the beginning of “La Belle Et La Bete”)

Jerk (v/o): (Wakes up) Ah! Ariel swallowed Tinker Bell! (The film shows Jean Cocteau writing on a blackboard) Oh crap, I didn’t study for this test, I hate these dreams!

Kyle (v/o): No, no, this is the movie. Though you’re not wrong, this is a surrealist film and Surrealism is the art form that studies dreams.

(Cut to a text crawl in French and cursive writing appears)

  • In fact, all the dialogue in the film is in French and I’ll just type the translation from the review

Jerk (v/o): (Depressed) Ugh, I have to watch an art film and read? It’s not right for reviewers to read; soon we start getting ideas and thinking!

Kyle (v/o): It’s just a quick preamble, no big deal.

Jerk (v/o): Ok, ok, let’s turn on subtitles. (Reads in disinterest, in a low voice and mumbles some criticism) “Children believe what we tell them. They have complete faith in us.” Yada, yada. “They believe that a rose plucked from a garden…” French, French, French. “… can plunge a family into conflict.”Whatever. Cursive, cursive, cursive “They believe the hands of a human beast…” (Mumbles something incoherent) Cursive, cursive. French, French. “…smoke when he slays a victim…” I’ve never heard that, even as a child. Yada, yada, yada. “…and this will cause the beast shame.” (mumbles something incoherent) “When a young maiden takes up residence in this home.” I don’t know why that would be shameful. “They believe a thousand other things” (more incoherent mumbling.) “I ask of you a childlike simplicity.” (Normal voice) Hang on a second?

(Cut to Kyle and Jerk eating cotton candy)

Jerk: This film doesn’t want us to think about it? You sure this is an art movie?

Kyle: (with mouth full of cotton candy) Well, not “not think about it,” but think like a child.

Jerk: How am I supposed to think like a child!?! Pfft! (Kyle then looks around at the Disney park) Idiot.

Kyle (v/o): The film opens with this lovely bucolic scene of (Avenant and Ludovic are shooting arrows at a bullseye. In the middle of aiming, one guy pushes the other and the arrow flys into the house, nearly killing a dog) Um, animal cruelty.

Jerk (v/o): Well, it’s an art movie; shocked it took them this long.

Kyle (v/o): As we’re introduced to the family of La Belle…

Jerk (v/o): (Interrupts) What, you mean the sombrero “Queen Elizabeth’s” here?

Kyle (v/o): Well, 1) They’re wearing 17th century dress to evoke a modern setting, specifically the paintings of Johannes Vermeer and 2) those are Belle’s evil step sisters (Adelaide and Felcie).

Jerk (v/o): Wow, evil step sisters, can get that in a Disney film.

Kyle (v/o): They were in the original story and were probably cut from the Disney version for…well, reminding people too much of “Cinderella.”

Adelaide: (To a servant) Do we pay you too sleep?

Kyle (v/o): They serve the same story purpose here, as examples of bad behavior to make the protagonist look better by comparison.

Jerk (v/o): Yeah, it’s hard to look likable when you travel by manservant

(The 2 sisters are each in a palaquin carried by 2 servants each)

Adelaide: (to Felicie) That drunkard doesn’t even know his place.

Felicie: Good-for-nothing!

Jerk (v/o): Yeah, if these women were alive today, they’d be hiring disabled people to help them cut in line for Star Tours. (A news post about said issue is shown. Jerk then does a mocking, snob voice) “Sure, we could get a Fast Pass, but those are for poor people!”

Kyle (v/o): What’s a fast pass?

Jerk (v/o): (Sighs) You’ve got a lot to learn around these parts.

Kyle (v/o): Anyway, the film follows the original story quite closely. It’s about a middle class family consisting of Belle, her father, her brother (Ludovic), and 2 sisters. Belle’s father, a down on his luck merchant, leaves home to collect a shipment. Before leaving home, he asks his daughters what they want when he returns.

Felicie: I want the whole town to die of envy! A monkey!

Jerk: (Excited) Did she just say she wants a monkey?

Felicie: I’d like a monkey.

Jerk: She just said she wants a monkey! This movie is a masterpiece!

Belle’s Father: What shall I bring back for you, Belle?

Belle: Father, bring me a rose. There aren’t any around here.

(The Sisters laugh at her. Jerk mocks their laughing)

Jerk as the sisters: Sorry, we just a saw a Jeff Dunham special, that guy’s hilarious!

Kyle (v/o): (a little angry) Stop riffing, that’s the crux of the entire story! The selfish sisters only want riches, while the humble sister (Belle) only seeks beauty. It’s a morality play, as well as a love story.

Jerk (v/o): Ok, so, while the 90s blamed everything on “Selfish, male machismo” (Gaston), the 40s blamed everything on selfish female cattiness (The evil sisters)?”

Kyle (v/o): That’s a bit reductive…

Jerk as an announcer (v/o): (Interrupts) “The Criterion Collection proudly and yet humbly presents: ‘Women Be Shoppin’” (A picture of a dvd cover of said name appears with Dave Chapelle’s comedian character from the “Nutty Professor” remake)

Kyle (v/o); Now hold on…

Jerk (v/o): (Interrupts) And while we’re at it, how am I supposed to buy that asking for a rose is less reasonable than asking for a monkey?

(Cut back to Jerk and Kyle still eating cotton candy)

Jerk: Child logic?

Kyle: Child logic.

(Cut back to the film)

Kyle (v/o): ok, let’s skip ahead a bit, because I want to get to the cool stuff. The scenes at Belle’s house are all Vermeer realism, but once Belle’s father gets to the Beast’s castle, is goes all Gustave Dore on us.

Jerk (v/o): I swear, you’re just making up names.

Kyle (v/o): Dore was the guy who illustrated the book (Beauty and the Beast). (We see Belle’s father heading towards the castle. Kyle loving it) God, look at that design!

Jerk (v/o): (cut to the Disney version of the castle. Jerk is sarcastic.) Yeah, it looks absolutely nothing like the Disney version of the castle at all!

Kyle (v/o): That’s because I have’s shown you the interiors yet. (The main entrance way is a long, dark hallway, lit by candelabras held by moving arms on the side of the walls. We also see a fireplace with head busts that move and exhale smoke) Huh? Isn’t that beautiful?

Jerk (v/o): It might be, if I hadn’t already ridden the “Haunted Mansion,” 90 billion times.

Kyle (v/o): “The what-what?”

Jerk (v/o): (In the background, the song “Grim Grinning Ghosts” is heard) “The Haunted Mansion!” The arm candelabras are from “The Haunted Mansion,” the living statue busts are from “the Haunted Mansion,” this couldn’t be more like “The Haunted Mansion” if Paul Frees himself challenged us to “Find away out!” (Reference to the Stretching room bit of the ride) lord knows, I’m trying.

Kyle (v/o): Um, wouldn’t it make more sense if “The Haunted Mansion” was trying to be like Cocteau’s film? I mean, this isn’t an unpopular movie or an un-influential one. Lots of mid 20th century, gothic fiction borrowed from it. (Belle’s father sits at a dining room table when a hand of no body pours him wine. As the hand does so, we hear the beginning notes of “The Addams Family” theme.) In fact, lets skip ahead here and look at Belle’s first entrance into the castle and upon entering; it becomes this gorgeously surreal piece of psycho-magical ethereal-ism. Building on a personal mythology guided by classical iconography: mirrors to other worlds, magical gloves, living, Pygmalion like statues. Cocteau’s near Freudian sequence of tunnels and hallways, makes it clear that Belle’s exploring her own subconscious desires, as much as she’s exploring the home of her new suitor.

(Belle walks down a hallway where the curtains are blowing in the wind.)

Jerk (v/o): Does any of what you just said mean she’s having a total eclipse of the heart? (Cut to footage of the music video for “Total Eclipse of the Heart”) Because, that’s what it looks like. It looks like there’s nothing she can do with total eclipse of the heart.

Kyle (v/o): Again, maybe “Total Eclipse of the Heart” was trying to be like this movie?

Jerk (v/o): Alright, enough scenery, I want to see the big gun. Show me the Beast!

Kyle (v/o): Alright, then. Belle’s father enters the castle and remembering his promise to Belle, spies a rose and when he plucks it…

(Belle’s father hears a noise and behind a hedge, The Beast appears. He wears fancy clothes and looks cat like.)

Beast: So, my dear sir, you steal my roses.

Jerk: (Exited) Kitty!

Jerk (v/o): (in baby talk) Who’s a pretty kitty? Who’s a pretty kitty?

Kyle: (annoyed) Stop baby-talking The Beast!

Kyle (v/o): Look at that face! Look at those eyes! He looks melancholy, but defiant. He looks regal, but fierce! He looks…

(Cut to footage of “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets”)

Jerk (v/o): (Interrupts) He looks like Hermione (Granger) drank the wrong Polyjuice Potion!

Kyle (v/o): FINE, OK! He looks like a big cat. We get it! We get the joke! Can we drop this!

Jerk (v/o): (sighs) Under protest.

(We see the Beast later in the film, seating Belle at the dinner table.)

Beast: (To Belle) There is no master here but you.

Jerk as the Beast: Everything in this castle is yours. You want cheeseburger? You can has cheeseburger!

Kyle: Will you please stay on topic?

Jerk: This is on topic; the Disney Beast was more effectively terrifying!

Jerk (v/o): (The song “It’s Not Easy” from 1977’s “Pete’s Dragon” is heard in the background) He wasn’t just inhuman, he was in every animal! (Realizes) That came out wrong. He was a unique hybrid: Part lion, part wolf, part bear, part boar, part buffalo, part gorilla, with the horns of a bison, the eyes of a human…

(Cut to footage of “Pete’s Dragon” [1977])

Pete: And the ears of a cow!

Jerk (v/o): This guy (1946 Beast) is just a big ugly zombie cat. I wonder what his musical would’ve looked like?

(Cut to the youtube video, “Keyboard Cat”)

Kyle (v/o): But, the Beast shouldn’t simply be terrifying! He’s frightening at first, yes. But, The Beast’s main quality should be his ugliness and his kindness. I actually love the simplicity of The Beast’s design here! Jean Marais as The Beast is quite a layered character. Cocteau once said of Marais, “That he deserted the human race for the animal race.” But, still it’s the Beast’s humanity that comes through the most. Yes, the makeup is ugly, but soulful as well. It emphasizes his grand, liquid eyes full of so much pain. Disney’s Beast always seemed too comfortable in his beastliness. Cocteau’s Beast was regal, dressed to the 9s, and constantly trying to suppress his animal nature in favor of his better angels. His moral beauty is a self awareness that too other Beast took so long to show.

(Beast is licking the water in Belle’s hands. He realizes what he’s done)

Beast: It doesn’t repulse you to let me drink from your hands?

Belle: No, Beast. I like it.

Kyle (v/o): There’s a rather famous story, actually. Greta Garbo saw this movie at it’s 1946 premier and at the end when the Beast transforms into a handsome prince, she famously cried out “Oh, give me back my beautiful Beast!” That alone is a testament to how well this Beast is designed. (Sarcastically) And I’m sorry makeup techniques in 1946 weren’t cartoony enough for your liking. But, frankly…

(The Beast has a red dot on his head, it actually Jerk playing with a laser pointer and laughing. Kyle grabs it from him.


JERK: You do know which Internet we’re on, right?

Kyle: (Angry) How dare you belittle this masterpiece of…

Jerk: (Interrupts) The most pretentious pile of crap I’ve ever seen in my life! Who does this snail eater think he is!?!

(Music from the song “Gaston” from the Disney Beauty And The Beast plays)

Kyle: You bash a man and you don’t even know who he! You’re tangling with the wrong man!

Jerk: (confused) Sorry?

Kyle: No one even knows Cocteau. The poet, the artist, the lie who tells the truth! Why, it’s something I can’t bare!

Jerk: Can of beer?

Kyle: Nah, Disneyland is quite dry and they don’t trust talking cars at California: Adventure. Besides, I can’t let this rest. You are in desperate need of an education! (Starts to sing)

No one remembers the name Jean Cocteau,

Buried by cells and by ink

Jerk: They weren’t using…

Kyle: (Interrupts, Sings)

I’m here to praise and reclaim Jean Cocteau

And his fable for those who can THINK!

Jerk: (Off screen) Hey!

Kyle: (singing)

A poet, a painter, a playwright and more

It breaks my artistic morale

At line-dancing cutlery, they shout “encore!”

But they overlook l’original!

No one plots like Cocteau

Frames his shots like Cocteau

Makes his passions your everyday thoughts like Cocteau!

For he makes lucid, elegant tableaus,

Mythic and wondrous to see!

Why, just ask Edith, Igor or Pablo

And they'll point out the man who’s the toast of Paris!

No one plays like Cocteau

Spins a phrase like Cocteau

Fills your gaze with amazing ballets like Cocteau!

Jerk: (Singing)

And for THAT he gets critics ejaculating?

Kyle: (Singing)

Don’t judge my kinks OR Cocteau!

(Jerk is joined by a chorus of some of his show’s contributors: Spazz Master [Charlie Callahan], his wife Tricksterbelle [Haley Baker Callahan], Il Nege, [Garrett Snook] and the Wire [Morgan Funder]).

Chorus: He’s dull and weird! He’s overwrought!

Kyle: But look at this petrified fountain of thought! (Points to footage of one of Cocteau’s films, where a guy [in reverse shooting] jumps out of the water onto dry land)

Chorus: ...huh?

Spazz Master: Kyle, it's water. How high ARE your brows?

Kyle: (Singing)

No one’s style’s like Cocteau

None beguile like Cocteau

Makes us view through the eyes of a child like Cocteau

His response to the bourgeoisie’s high-hat

Was to spell out his fairy tale tone

Jerk: Can’t believe Michael Bay hasn’t tried that!

(Cut to Michael Bay, played by Il Nege and a kid played by Spazz Master, licking a big lollipop in front of “Transformers: The Ride” at Universal Studios.)

Michael Bay: Y’know, KIDS think this movie makes sense.

Kid: No we don’t!

Jerk: (Singing)

No one bores like Cocteau

Causes snores like Cocteau

Depicts women as gold-diggin' whores like Cocteau!

His effects are so old they need carbon dating!

  • spit* to this snob Jean Cocteau!

Kyle: (Singing)

When he was a youth with the Russian ballet

He had barely inscribed a few lines.

But in his old age the Academie Francaise

Consecrated his Orphic designs!

Jerk: (Interrupts, the music stops) Hey, you can’t say “Orphic” here!

Kyle: What, no…

Jerk: (Interrupts, shouting) You watch your fucking mouth! WE’RE IN FUCKING DISNEYLAND MOTHERFUCKA!

Kyle: No, no, Orphic as in Orpheus!

Kyle (v/o): It’s one of the myths he returned to over and over throughout his career: The artist who goes to the underworld, becomes changed, and returns. It’s the guiding narrative of Cocteau’s body of work. Surrealism as a movement is about realizing the subconscious and to Cocteau, Orpheus symbolized realization. The artist delved into the soul and brings his findings back to the world! Cocteau was always a enamored with classical mythology, but Orpheus stuck with him the most. Look at his first film, “Blood Of A Poet” opens with an artist going through a mirror to the underworld and coming back inspired. Later, after doing “Beauty And The Beast” (1946), he would make a film about Orpheus, also starring Jean Marais. And his final film, the one that is clearly a disguised autobiography, was called “The Testament of Orpheus.” And you can see it in here (Cocteau’s Beauty and the Beast) as well. Beast’s castle is an underworld, a dream land ruled by dream laws and Belle is Orpheus, delving into the underworld to find her beloved.

(Cut to Kyle in a dark theater with a projector behind him)

Kyle: In fact, that’s kind of how we see the movies, no? When watching a film, aren’t we all Orpheus? (Looks at screen, mesmerized) We sit down, the lights dim, and we’re transported to another world by the lights flickering on the wall of the cave! Film is it’s own little underworld, a complete immersion in…(sounds are heard, we see it’s Jerk sitting next to him wearing 3D glasses and playing on his phone.) Turn your damn phone off.

Jerk: No, the candy needs crushing!

(Cut to footage of Cocteau films, the music is back)

Kyle: (v/o): (Singing)

No one beams like Cocteau

Writes their themes like Cocteau

As his schemes seem to gleam in your dreams like Cocteau!

(Cut back to them at Disneyland)

For there ne’er was a man who’s as

Jerk: (Singing)


Kyle: (Singing)

I’ll say it again

He’s as good with a pen

As he is with a play

Or a film, he’ll convey

With his mirrors and gloves

All the things that he loves

Sing his praise from Calais to Bordeaux!

There’s just one great auteur whose whole work is secured!

And his name's C-O-C-

(Jerk snickers)

Kyle: (Singing)


Jerk: (Singing)


Kyle: (Singing)


Jerk: (Singing)


Kyle: (Singing)

C-O-C-K oh, fuck it. COCTEAU!

(End of Part 1)

[[[Beauty and the Beast Part 2 (With Some Jerk with a Camera!) - Brows Held High|Continue to Part 2]]]

Jerk [v/o]: Introducing the all-new 1946 Acura Manservant. “Quality you can shriek at.”

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