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Ask That Guy With The Glasses - Best of TGWTG Volume 1, Episode 1 (March 27th, 2010 - DVD exclusive)

That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Cześć! [pronounced "chesh", Polish for "hi" - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): How come this is only appearing on the DVD?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. Actually, it's our way of saying, "Thank you." / [indicates a jump cut] Thank you for supporting our work and donating money to buy this DVD. / We appreciate all your encouragement for us to keep making you laugh. / And so, this is our way of just saying "Thanks" for buying the DVD. / And for those of you who are watching this illegally or making illegal copies, (pauses) there's a special place in HELL for you. / I designed it myself. / It's a SPECTACULAR pit of darkness filled with spikes and fire. / You sit on an axe and brush your teeth with horse manure, / all while watching the comedy stylings of Carlos Mencia. / (chuckle) Could you really ask for a better pit of hell? / Yes.

Narrator: What is your porn star name?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Cuntasaurus. / In fact, I often wear a costume whenever I perform as Cuntasaurus. / (looks around) I don't have it on me, but, uh... (back at camera) here's a simulation. / (extreme close-up of That Guy's lips with his hands grabbing the corners. He opens up with mouth twice, emitting a weird noise.) [THAT'S ALL I'M SAYING! - ed.] / (back to normal) My videos have already sold more than Paris Hilton's videos / but HASN'T sold more than Paris Hilton herself. / She's QUITE expensive.

Narrator: If a person was into bestiality, had sex with a pig and contracted H1N1, would that make swine flu an STD?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Not necessarily. / As long as the pig uses pig protection, also known as "pigtension." / Pigtension also comes from a lot of stress built up around the shoulders. (his hands go onto his shoulders to try and massage them) / (back to normal) But I digress. Why are you fucking a pig, you pervert?

Narrator: Why can't I get laid?

That Guy: Probably because you're fucking pigs. / Pervert.

Narrator: Why does Daddy wear Mommy's clothing?

That Guy: (chuckles) Well, this is a very common sexual problem that many men have. / (looks down, rapping his pipe bowl against his left palm) I would like to wait until you are older to tell you this, but (stops and looks up) WHAT THE HECK. I will go ahead and inform you now. / (close-up to the camera with a slight echo, sounding a bit scared) YOUR FATHER'S AN ALIEN AND WANTS TO TAKE OVER YOUR MOTHER'S BODY! / (in normal spot, but leans in) Best kill him now before you can't tell the two apart. / (playfully shudders) Ooh-ooh!

Narrator: Where would Bugs Bunny have ended up if he had taken that turn at Albuquerque?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) A brothel. / Many people don't know this, but rabbits are actually as horny as rabbits. / In fact, they usually have several strange sexual fetishes. / For example, he OFTEN likes to wear women's clothing. / And you know what THAT means: / (close-up again with echo) BUGS BUNNY iS AN ALIEN WHO'S TRYING TO TAKE OVER YOUR MOTHER'S BODY! / (normal position) Crucify him on a cross of carrots. (pause) We'll call it "carrotsfixion." / (leans in) With onions.

Narrator: Has anyone ever told you you look like Gordon Freeman?

That Guy: Only my mother... (pauses) when she was drunk... (pause again) and crucified on a cross of carrots. / (leans in) With onions.

Narrator: If Buzz Lightyear doesn't think he's a toy, why doesn't he talk when people are around?

That Guy: (with a worried, slightly horrified look on his face, That Guy slowly walks up to the camera and whispering the following:) Why do you talk to toys? (hold on his worried mug)

Narrator: What is the purpose of Canada?

That Guy: Why, to be America's toupee, of course. / You see, America was suffering from a tremendous bald spot. / And so, they bought a Canada of their very own to cover it up. / (chuckle) In fact, I recently bought a Canada to cover my balding hair as well. / (cut to an image of That Guy before a white background with a colored map of Canada atop his scalp) / (back to That Guy) No one will ever notice.

Narrator: What's that behind you?

That Guy: [NOTE: The lighting for this segment is a bit brighter than the others, - ed.] Where? (looks around to his left, then back to the camera) Oh! (chuckle) That's just a cameraman. They're always wondering into here. And, as many of you know, I absolutely HATE IT when cameramen stop by. So I'm gonna have to deal with this appropriately. Excuse me. (he walks out of shot, screen-right. The piano music fades. We then see the camera move a bit, as if we are taking the point-of-view of the camerman himself. Off-screen, we hear the sound of a possible gun beind loaded. Sure enough, the camera pans around to the living room, where That Guy, in front of his couch with back to the camera, is in fact loading a handgun. After he checks it, the cameraman says, "OH SHIT! [he always speaks in a hushed tone - ed.] and proceeds to run out of the house, heading toward the front door. When he reaches it, he looks back to see That Guy walking confidently towards him with handgun raised by his head and a fixed, happy look on his face. The cameraman then heads out of the house, running away in front of the garage. We hear the gun being fired off-screen. Just after the first shot, the cameraman looks back to see That Guy firing at him, which he does as indicated by a brief white flash. The cameraman then heads around the side of the house trying to escape as another shot is fired off-screen. All the while, the cameraman is heavily panting, fearing for his life, [DUH!] As he almost rounds the corner, the cameraman looks back just as That Guy fires another shot (and flash), which apparently just misses him as he reacts by saying, "Ooohhhh!" He returns to running as another shot is heard. After a few seconds, the cameraman looks back to That Guy firing a sixth shot at him (with flash), which apparently hits the target. The cameraman meekly cries out in pain as he and camera stumble to the ground. A few seconds later, the cameraman looks up from the ground and sees That Guy standing above him, gun aimed directly at him at close range. That Guy fires, but the gun is empty. The cameraman is practically out of breath but manages to say, "Oh, thank you." Realizing his predicament, That Guy raises his left finger up as if to say, "Hold on!" He then turns the gun around in his hand so that he grabs it by the barrel. The cameraman reacts by saying, "Nooo!", again hushed and nearly breathless, as That Guy proceeds to smack the camerman with the gun handle to his head; he does this twice. The cameraman is miraculously still alive but not for long as That Guy manages to choke his neck, almost snapping it completely. We hear a sound effect suggesting that the cameraman has expired. Once that happens, That Guy reaches to his right to pick up his customary book and pipe. [Rather CONVENIENTLY placed nearby, don'tcha think? - ed.] The piano music resumes as he signs off:) This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YOU ask it." (winks at the camera and then returns to reading his book and smoking his pipe)

THE END


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