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Ask That Guy With The Glasses - Best of TGWTG Volume 1, Episode 1 (March 27th, 2010 - DVD exclusive)

That Guy With The Glasses is reading a book in front of a corner of cabinets, smoking a pipe. After a few seconds, he looks up and notices the camera.

That Guy: Oh! (closes his book) Buna ziua! [pronounced "boo-nah, zee-wah", formal Romanian for "hello" in the daytime - ed.] Didn't hear you come in. Greetings and welcome to Ask That Guy With The Glasses.

Opening introduction with piano music playing.

Narrator (always off-screen; questions appear on-screen): Why are The Simpsons yellow?

That Guy: (with his back to screen right, he turns to the camera) That's a very good question. Mostly because... they're Asian. / [jump cut] Now I KNOW what you're thinking. / If they're Asian, how can they speak American? / That's what dubbing is for, you moron. / I mean, think about it. What American person would HONESTLY think those haircuts were cool? / None. Only ASIAN people would think those haircuts are cool. / Have you also noticed that their eyes are also twice the size of that of Asian people? / Asian people LOVE to draw cartoons that way. / (leans in) Mostly because they're ashamed of their squinty eyes. / (normal position) As WELL they should be. Can't they just get glasses? / In fact, here. (he takes his glasses off and puts them on the camera) Take MY glasses, Asia. / (normal but without glasses, which also are gone from the camera) There. Isn't that better? (he turns around and walks back toward the cabinet) Now, let us return to our- (a smack is heard. Actually, make that "walks back INTO the cabinet" since he falls down upon impact; sound effect added in post)

Narrator: If you didn't read this, how would you answer?

That Guy: Easy. I have the Narrator read it for me. (hold on his face for a bit. His left hand comes into view, palm facing him; then he gives us "the finger". We hear an off-screen chuckle. [Unintentional I'm sure. - ed.])

Narrator: The girl I like says I'm not hot enough for her. Should I try attacking her with a flamethrower?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) Only if I get to watch.

Narrator: If you were born Muslim, or had converted at some point, what would be your appropriate Muslim name and why?

That Guy: (back to right and turn) I would be No-Explosions McGee. / That way, all those prejudiced a-holes out there would think, (points mouthpiece at camera) "I'm not going to blow anything up." / Because if the person has the words "no explosions" in his name, CLEARLY there's gonna be no explosions around him. / And then, just to confuse them, I would blow things up. / (leans in) Because THAT'S the ONLY way to spread the message of peace and tolerance: with extreme violence. / God, I love me. / (That Guy is at screen right, looking at where he once was) I love you, too. / (back to That Guy at his normal spot as he looks to his left and says:) Thank you! (looks back at the camera)

Narrator: Hey, remember me? I'm that chick you met at the bar about a month ago. You know how we got drunk and stumbled back to my apartment and stuff? Yeah... I'm sort of pregnant now, and it can only be you. So what do we do now?

That Guy: Oh! (looks a bit startled, looking to his right) You're, ah, ...you're pregnant, huh? Well, um... (thinking as he speaks) why don't you just stay right there where I know you live? And, um, (he sets down his pipe on a cabinet shelf and picks up his gun, which was lying down) I'll take care of this problem momentarily. (cocks the gun) But, uh, FIRST I just have to run one little errand. Just stay RIGHT THERE. Don't move. (he exits screen-right. We hear a few steps and then a gunshot from off-screen ) / (That Guy returns and sets his gun down on the shelf as he speaks) Sorry about that. I saw a rat. [He MAGICALLY still is holding his pipe! That's a continuity error there, folks. - ed.] / Well, of COURSE I'll be a loving, caring father. After all, that is the responsibility of a man, isn't it? / We'll get married, I'll change my career, and I'll TOTALLY bend my life to be with you. / I'm kidding, of course. Get an abortion.

Narrator: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

That Guy: (chuckles) Those are just my minions. / (leans in with a stern look) Don't cross me, or I'll have them kill you. (he retracts then quickly leans in again, raising his eyebrows)

Narrator: If a bug kills another bug, is it considered "insecticide"?

That Guy: (hold on his similing mug) Go have sex with someone. (hold again)

Narrator: Ever consider becoming good?

That Guy: Now, why would I ever consider being good when being evil is so much more FUN? / (leans in) Do you know what it's like to cause pain and misery to everyone you encounter? / (leans in) If you do, then you're probably Sean Hannity. / Him and I go on picnics quite often. / We love talking about how we're going to destroy the world and sodomize termites. / Because let's face it: termites have it coming. / They eat wood! (looks around in disbelief) That's just WRONG. / (mouthpiece at camera) A good death by sodomy is needed. / I LOVE being evil. / (leans in) It tastes like jelly.

Narrator: What is your visual impairment?

That Guy: I see devil-horned ducks when my glasses are off. Watch. (he takes his glasses off and then looks off to his left) Hey, look! A devil-horned duck. (hold as he continues staring off-screen)

Narrator: If you knew the world would end in one minute, what is the first thing you would say?

That Guy: I don't know. Let's find out! (holds up a remote in his left hand and presses a button. We hear the piano music cut off as an alarm goes off, followed by a deep voice, which That Guy looks up to hear) [It's Doug, of course - ed.]

Alarm voice: End-Of-The-World device activated. Complete world destruction in twenty seconds. [Note: this was extended for a second or two; Doug reversed the footage briefly - ed.]

That Guy: (with alarm still blaring) Sawdust. Ha! Who knew? / (holding his book) This is That Guy With The Glasses saying, "There's no such thing as a stupid question until YO-." (we suddenly hear a massive explosion as the screen goes all white, then it fades to black. The piano music restarts when we see:)

THE END


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