Bimbos in Time
November 30, 2009
Another bad black in white comic with scantily clad women.
(We don't get our usual opening line this time. Instead, we open on Linkara, shaking his head, struggling to find something, ANYTHING, to say. Already, it's apparent that today's comic is a doozy. He remains silent for a few moments before finally speaking)
Linkara: Bimbos in Time!
(Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. He remains speechless)
Linkara: I need a minute. Roll the theme song!
(So, rather unceremoniously, the theme song plays, followed by the episode's title screen, accompanied this time by "Slow Ride" by Foghat. We return back to Linkara)
Linkara: No, no, I still got nothing. I mean, I really don't know what to say. You know, I remember when this show was young and I was SO excited to be reviewing something like "Sinnamon 11". I thought that was as low as it could get when it came to bad, black-and-white, pseudo-comedy comics. And I say pseudo-comedy because frankly, stuff like that isn't funny, it's embarrassing!
Linkara (v/o): One of the most horrible things to happen in comedy is when there are jokes being told, and no one is laughing. In fact, it's the kind of feeling you get that's best described as anti-joy. Like any semblence of good feelings are drained from you, and you just want to take a razor blade to the wrists. "Bimbos in Time" is like that! Believe it or not, this thing is in fact a movie-licensed comic! Yes, that's right! There is a movie called "Bimbos in Time", and it's not even a porno! It's a PG-rated, Z-grade schlock movie. And I'd love to show you clips and maybe even do a comparison, but I can't find the damn thing! Not even clips on YouTube! I mean, they've got footage from some of the other movies that the guy's directed or produced, but not this one! By the way, the guy who made this seems to really have a thing for movies with "Bimbos" in the title. Before making "Bimbos in Time", he also apparently made "Bimbos B.C." and "Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City". Although, to be fair, I could barely find information on any of those movies either. I'm inclined to believe that they're actually all the same movie, just released under different titles. Especially since the "Prehistoric Bimbos" title tends to have more information and footage, while the other two are just afterthoughts on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes.
Linkara: So, you're probably wondering what I'm getting at with all this. The point, this comic is BAD! REALLY BAD! It's a serious contender for worst comic I've ever read. And the guy who made this, Todd Sheets, is credited as the writer.
Linkara (v/o): Sheets is also listed as the director of the film version and the other Bimbo movies. To be fair, from the scant information I HAVE found, the Bimbo movie stuff was some of his earliest filmwork, and he's not particularly happy with them either. So by extension, I imagine he hates this comic too. These days, he's still creating schlock, but entertaining schlock. Like the "Zombie Bloodbath" series.
(We cut to a scene from the first Zombie Bloodbath movie: the zombies are attacking, and a group of people are trying to get away, including a guy with a mustache and a mullet that would make an '80s hockey player jealous. Linkara starts to riff on the movie)
Linkara (v/o): I love the fact that they don't notice the zombie hoard sneaking up on them.
(The group make their get away, as Linkara adds a caption "Quick! Let's jog lightly out of danger!" They get cornered and one of them begins to fight back by... er, kicking the zombies)
Linkara (v/o): Now this one's the next Karate Kid, if you ask me.
(However, it is too late and the zombies capture mullet guy)
Linkara (v/o): No, not Jeff Foxworthy!!! Okay that was from the first Zombie Bloodbath movie, probably a bad example. How about Zombie Bloodbath 2?
(We cut to said movie and we see... some guy dressed up as Observer (aka Brain Guy) from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Um... sure.)
Brain Guy Lookalike: NO! It is YOU who do not understand! Now you must pay for deliberately defiling the sacred place of our master's own choosing.
Brain Guy Lookalike #2: You are a wretched being.
(After that aside, we cut back to Linkara)
Linkara: Okay, okay I'll stop laying into the guy. I have nothing but sympathy for how hard it can be to make a movie. To be honest... I'm just trying to pad this. I don't WANT to start talking about this comic! (sigh) But I guess at this point I have no choice. Let's dig into "Bimbos In Time #1".
(We start by taking a look at the... um... cover of the book, possibly the lowest quality covered ever featured on the show)
Linkara (v/o): So, this is our cover. (totally sarcastic) WOW! They really didn't spare the expense, did they? Just look at how beautifully drawn they are! What magnificent examples of human beings these three women are. I can't find a SINGLE anatomical problem anywhere! Oh, but I think the REAL person to be praised here is the colorist, who clearly used the most expensive colored pencils and crayons they could find that day. Suddenly I understand why the comic is in black and white, they couldn't find a sharpener that day for the colored pencils.
Linkara: You know, I don't even have a problem with colored pencils and crayons as artistic tools, but I prefer my comic books to look a bit more professional!
Linkara (v/o): We open on some old witch wearing Madonna's old bras and a viking helmet going through a post-apocalyptic dump. She falls into a hole, and I guess this is supposed to be funny, especially since she is also carrying a rolling pin as a weapon. And out of the darkness COMES.... Tim Curry?
- The character's name is actually Salacious Thatch; however, that joke is still granted.
(Cue a Rocky Horror Picture Show clip)
Dr. Frank-N-Furter: I'm just a sweet transvestite....
(Regrettably, we cut back to the comic)
Linkara (v/o): However, the rolling pin to the head stops him before he can strike into a musical number. The woman says her name is "Ma".
(As always, Linkara provides the voices for the dialogue and narration of the comic)
Thatch: I'll tell you what Ma, how about helping me reform my army and regain my reign of terror and I'll give you... minimum wage!
Ma: I ain't no dummy! You want my help, you better be ready to shell out the big bucks! I want five dollars an hour or no deal!
Linkara: Aim high, sister.
Thatch: Well, your a tough one all right. Okay, you got a deal. Now help me find some cloths...
Linkara (v/o): No, not "clothes". It clearly says "cloths".
(Spelling Errors: 1)
Thatch: ...and together we can CONQUER THE WORLD!
(Cue the inevitable Street Fighter clip...)
M. Bison: OF COURSE!
Linkara: Geez, not even M. Bison can raise my spirits.
Narrator: Meanwhile at the Bimbo Headquarters in Old Chicago...
Linkara: I could really go for some old Chicago right about now. Yes, they've got beer.
Linkara (v/o): At said Bimbo Headquarters, and I can't believe I'm actually saying that without trying to impale myself on something, we see a group of women being taught in a classroom about a grave problem they have.
Triana: Today, we'll be addressing the problem of how to be a good Bimbo warrior without breaking a nail!
Linkara (anguished): I'm only on page four. This comic is 48 pages long. Expect a lot of crying in this episode.
Linkara (v/o): The woman, Triana, is called away and she tells another woman, Gabrielle, to take over.
Gabrielle: Okay, now let's see... yeah! New topic okay? 'Cause, like, I don't know that lesson, you know.
Linkara (v/o): Suddenly, the "No Guns" sign in the background makes perfect sense. Triana meets up with this guy, who is in front of a massive computer and watching Astro Boy for no apparent reason. Good to know that after the apocalypse, Astro Boy will still be entertaining the masses. This guy says that their old enemy, Tim Curry, is back again. OH, GOD, I think this might be a sequel! He's suddenly wearing a big super-computer helmet thing that I'm sure allows him to access the computer at incredible speeds, hunt down mutants across the globe, coordinate the renegade Daleks, and dries his hair in twenty minutes or less!
Linkara: Come to think of it, isn't that the thing I used to reprogram Spoony's clone?
(A quick glance to see the reprogramming of Spoony's clone)
Linkara (v/o): It seems that Tim Curry has reactivated an old nuclear reactor.
Linkara: 'Cause... I guess people can just do that.
Linkara (v/o): However, the reactor was damaged and that spells possible disaster for the wastelands they live in. By the way, it's also nice to know that after the apocalypse, thongs would be standard fashion fare. Over at the nuclear plant, Tim Curry tells Ma that he's surprised that they got the reactor working again.
Thatch: Sometimes, it amazes me.
Ma: What? That I'm so smart?
Thatch: No, that... ellipses, question mark.
Linkara (v/o): Amazes me that... uh... line? Ah! The Bimbos have arrived, brandishing swords will still wearing their underpants.
Triana: This time, we'll finish you off for good!
Thatch: Oh, yeah? Says who?
Triana: Well, it says so in my contract!
(A "wah-wah-wah-waaaaah!" sound is heard. The "joke" leaves Linkara stupefied. He snaps out of it after a while)
Linkara: Oh, I'm sorry, I must have slipped into a coma for a second there. Was there a really bad joke? Okie-dokie!
Thatch: Enough talk! I want action!
Linkara: I want anything else right now!
Linkara (v/o): So, yeah. Fight scene, and it goes about as well as you would think with this artwork. Tim Curry's got a big four-fingered glove for some reason, and there's some really weird-ass sound effects like "Wong!", and a "Swoosh!" that seems to be coming out of the rolling pin. Ugh, I am so bored!
Linkara: By the way, this comic was a donation – AND I STILL FEEL LIKE I WAS RIPPED OFF!!!
Linkara (v/o): But looks like a nuclear explosion occurs, and for a second, there's that fleeting hope that maybe they're all dead and the comic's over. Especially when I see that one of the sound effects is "poop!" Why does it feel like I could be doing something more useful with my time than reviewing this? Like watching grass grow? During winter?! The only survivor runs back to Bimbos HQ. Ah, look, just saying that has caused my ears to bleed. He runs to their resident scientist, who seems to have a big problem with her sweating. Also, she's suffering from YoungBloodZ disease, though she's trying to hide it with her glasses. She says that she thinks that...
Doc: ...the reactor imploded and created a rip in time... a doorway to another place... place...
Linkara (v/o): Yeah, she really says "place" twice for no reason.
Doc: Maybe another dimension!
Linkara: (holding a cigarette) A dimension not of sight or sound, but of bad comedy.
Linkara (v/o): We cut to Memphis in 1957, where Elvis is making an appearance.
Elvis: (addressing a woman at a desk) What's your name baby?
Elvis: I had a dog named Ashley onec.
(Spelling Errors: 2)
Linkara (v/o): The Bimbos appear and they instantly know what happened.
Triana: It seems I read something about this.
Linkara: (as Triana) I think it was called... the script.
Triana: I think we went through a vortex!
Gabrielle: You mean a time door?
Linkara (v/o): Um, no, she said "a vortex".
Gabrielle: An implosion in matter-antimatter existence?
(Linkara's mouth drops open in shock; cut to a page from Superman: At Earth's End)
Hitler Clone: Of course. Don't you know anything about sci–
Linkara: (yelling) NO!!! THAT WAS NOT REMOTELY SCIENTIFIC!!
Linkara (v/o): Somehow they realize they can get back through the "time door", but that it will only remain open for 24 hours. Also for some reason, it will relocate to a different spot, but stands within the original starting point and... Ugh! God, I'm bored again!
Linkara: (putting on a set of earbuds) If you need me, I'll be doing something else. (after putting on earbuds, he starts bobbing his head and sings) Slow ride! Take it easy!
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, they can track down the portal, but they run into Elvis, who gets pulled into their next time jump. In this time jump, they arrive in the days of Camelot. You know, 'cause that's so historical. This is really something that pisses me off. T.H. White's "The Once and Future King" is my favorite book, and "Camelot" is one of my favorite musicals. I really love Arthurian lore, so whenever it's used and trashed like this... well, I'm surprised I haven't cut this comic up with rusty scissors yet. Tim Curry and Ma appear in the middle of a battle. Oh, and look! There's a knight on the side that resembles the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail!
Linkara: We now interrupt our regularly-scheduled piece-of-crap comic to show a bit from Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail. YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.
(Cut to a clip of Monty Python and the Holy Grail: King Arthur confronting the Black Knight and cutting off his right arm so that it is bleeding profusely)
Arthur: Now, stand aside, worthy adversary!
Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch!
Arthur: A scratch?! Your arm's off!
Black Knight: No, it isn't.
Arthur: Well, what's that, then?
Black Knight: (sees his arm severed off) I've had worse.
Arthur: You liar!
Black Knight: Come on, you pansy!
(Cut back to the Bimbos comic, sadly)
Linkara (v/o): When Tim Curry makes a proclamation that he's the ruler of Armageddon City, King Arthur yells, "I'm the king!"
(Cut to a clip of The Tudors)
Henry VIII: I'm the king of England!
(Cut back to the comic again, showing Elvis)
Elvis: No... I'm the King! A-huh-huh!
Linkara: (annoyed) And I am the walrus, koo-koo-ka-choo! Can we move on?!
Linkara (v/o): The knights surround the Bimbos and Tim Curry tries to get Arthur at his side.
Bimbo: Wait! We're not your enemy!
Ma: No! You're the enema!
(Linkara is not amused)
Ma: It's like enemy... only... messier!
(Linkara is even less amused now; cut briefly to the closing moment of the Looney Tunes short, "Duck! Rabbit, Duck!")
Daffy Duck: (to Bugs Bunny, worn out) You're despicable...!
(Cut back to the comic once again)
Linkara (v/o): Of course, the Bimbos only have to point out that they're hot; thus, Arthur should side with them. And brave King Arthur, ever faithful to his love Guinevere, buys into this and sends his knights after Tim Curry and the Old Crow. There's a pointless scene back in the present, and then we find ourselves in the 1800s, where, coincidence of coincidences, the Bimbos find themselves in London during an attack by Jack the Ripper. After dispatching Jolly Jack, they talk to the woman they saved, who, once again by sheer coincidence, happens to be the niece of Sherlock Holmes!
Linkara: Wait, does that mean that Mycroft Holmes had a daughter? Wait, why do I even care?! Sherlock Holmes is ANOTHER FRIGGIN' FICTIONAL CHARACTER! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!
Linkara (v/o): So the woman takes the Bimbos to see Sherlock Holmes and... Wow! There's a phrase I never thought I'd thought I'd say. You know, Elvis, is still with them, and he seems to be taking all this time travel crap in stride.
Linkara: Then again, anyone who's seen Bubba Ho-Tep knows how Elvis deals with weird problems.
(Cut to a clip of Bubba Ho-Tep with the King himself)
Elvis (Bruce Campbell): (to a cockroach he is holding) Never fuck with the King. (jabs the cockroach into a heater, electrocuting and killing it)
Linkara: Is it just me, or am I making a lot of references in this episode?
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, they arrive at Holmes' place...
(The next scene shows Holmes and one Bimbo running towards each other, arms outstretched toward one another, as hearts surround them; they are in love)
Linkara (v/o): ...and he is immediately entranced by this one woman who hasn't been named*.
- NOTE: The nameless Bimbo in question is revealed to be named Abigail.
("Dream Weaver" by Gary Wright plays briefly during this scene. Suddenly, Linkara pushes the scene aside)
Linkara: Okay, I think that's enough of that crap!
Linkara (v/o): Anyway, they fix their time tracker thingy and the woman [Abigail] is saying she's staying with Holmes. It's a touching, emotional scene as they farewell to their friend. (becomes frustrated) Or at least it would've been if we'd ever known this character's name, or established anything related to her until this absolutely moronic scene! GOD, I HATE THIS COMIC! Next up is the Old West. Tim Curry and the Old Crow are living the high life, having taken over a town. Why, they've even tied a girl to some railroad tracks! Yes, this is surely a great work of parody and satire. The Bimbos arrive and are instantly confronted by this pigeon-footed woman. Uh, your feet are supposed to go the other way, lady. Oh, but it turns out that the Bimbos know this woman, whose name is Morbius, and it turns out that Morbius is a Bimbo, and the girl tied to the railroad tracks, Richelle, is also one!
Linkara: Wow! It's so great to see these two! We already know so much about them as characters! (then he puts on his earbuds again and again starts bobbing his head and singing) Smoke on the water! A fire in the sky!
Linkara (v/o): So they decide they need to rescue her, but there's a time limit. Yeah, see, it turns out that their little tracking device for the time portal is solar-powered, only because their batteries for it are dead.
Bimbo: Yeah, we know we should have brought our Energizers!
(In the comic, a familiar rabbit appears on the horizon...)
Linkara (v/o): And lo and behold, the Energizer Bunny!
(Linkara sits there, looking stupefied again. Cut to a clip of Robot Chicken, in which Leonidas from 300 is watching TV)
Leonidas: This... isn't... FUNNY! (kicks the TV over)
(Back to the comic again, unfortunately)
Linkara (v/o): Tim Curry and the Old Crow jump out and mortally wound the one guy who hangs out with the Bimbos. Unsurprisingly, I care not in the slightest. Somehow he doesn't die because we see him later on, but even if he hadn't, why should we care about any of these characters? And by the way, according to IMDB, this guy is named Larry, the male Bimbo!
(Yugi from Yu-Gi-Oh! pops up)
Yugi: Why is everybody in this comic a (beep)ing Bimbo?
Linkara (v/o): The only one of these people I care about is Elvis, because he's barely said anything! They all get tied up and... (in the scene in question, a giant worm rises up behind them) Wait, what's that in the background?
(Linkara looks closely at the panel in question with surprise; cut to a clip of Dune – yes Linkara has been making a lot of references in this episode!)
Stilgar: Usul, we have wormsign the likes of which even God has never seen.
(Cut back to the comic again)
Linkara (v/o): Meanwhile, back at Bimbo HQ – ugh, it's really starting to hurt now – a character breaks the fourth wall in another feeble attempt at humor. So the villains leave the Bimbos on the railroad tracks, but conveniently, they have a pocket knife to cut through the ropes. However, the girl they came to rescue was hit by a train. Oh, but the train doesn't splatter her – she gets carried off by it!
(Linkara is seen trying to crawl behind his couch. He looks up and sees that he has been caught)
Linkara: (embarrassed) Oh, uh, I, uh... I was trying to get away.
Linkara (v/o): Oh, look, the Lone Ranger! You know what the problem is with this comic? I keep finding myself wanting to watch and read other stuff. I could be watching The Lone Ranger or Dune or Bubba Ho-Tep! Anyway, Bimbos show up in fight scene.
Thatch: I know so you Bimbo!
Linkara: (dumbfounded) Wha?
Thatch: I know so you Bimbo!
Linkara: (more confused than ever) I... uh... (finally waves his finger, bringing up the following below...)
(Spelling Errors: 3?)
Bimbo: That does it! Your finished!
(Spelling Errors: 4 (It's YOU'RE, not YOUR))
Linkara (v/o): Anywho, Elvis punches the Old Crow, more idiotic fighting... Here, let's talk some more about how much this sucks: they own the entire full page of a comic to work with, but you'll notice that the tops and bottoms on every page are left completely blank, instead opting for some weird pattern around all the panels. I suppose it's just as well since the blank space would be full of more crap, but I don't get it; why format it like this? Anyway, the Bimbos get rescued, but one stays behind because she met a cowboy or something... Oh, who the hell cares? They go back to their own time and go into bikinis... like they weren't already in bikinis... and frolic around to what I'm sure is toxic sewage, since this is after the Apocalypse and all. They explain that they didn't bring Tim Curry and Ma back with them. Noooo, they get left in dinosaur time. And so, our comic ends with them, fittingly, getting urinated on, or possibly defecated on, I can't tell, by a T-Rex.
Linkara: (holds up comic angrily) THIS COMIC IS WRETCHED!!! Now, you're probably thinking to yourselves, this is the worst comic he's ever done. It must've totally broken him. But no. (gestures toward comic again) This? This is amateur hour. (tosses comic aside)
(The cover for the comic is shown, showing it written by Todd Sheets and illustrated by Auggie Alvarez)
Linkara (v/o): This was a group of dumbasses getting together and thinking they could create a cheap comic, make a few bucks, and not give a crap about the medium in which they were working in.
Linkara: You know what? I'm too badass to be broken by that. You don't want me to go nuts reading some piece of fetid garbage like "Bimbos in Time". You want me to really get my hands dirty, don't you? Rip into some controversial stuff. Get people talking because I'm going after comic legends! Well, guess what? (holds up a pocket watch) Next week, (opens up watch, then holds up a copy of "The Dark Knight Strikes Again") it's Miller time! (smiles)