We don't get our usual opening line this time. Instead, we open on Linkara, shaking his head, struggling to find something, ANYTHING, to say. Already, it's apparent that today's comic is a doozy. He remains silent for a few moments before finally speaking.
Linkara: Bimbos in Time!
Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. He remains speechless.
Linkara: I need a minute. Roll the theme song!
So, rather unceremoniously, the theme song plays, followed by the episode's title screen, accompanied this time by "Slow Ride" by Foghat. We return back to Linkara.
Linkara: No, no, I still got nothing. I mean, I really don't know what to say. You know, I remember when this show was young and I was SO excited to be reviewing something like "Sinnamon #11". I thought that was as low as it could get when it came to bad, black-and-white, psudo-comedy comics. And I say psudo-comedy because frankly, stuff like that isn't funny, it's embarrassing!
Linkara (voiceover): One of the most horrible things to happen in comedy is when there are jokes being told, and no one is laughing. In fact, it's the kind of feeling you get that's best described as anti-joy. Like any semblence of good feelings are drained from you, and you just want to take a razor blade to the wrists. Bimbos in Time is like that! Believe it or not, this thing is in fact a movie-liscenced comic! Yes, that's right! There is a movie called "Bimbos in Time", and it's not even a porno! It's a PG-rated Z-grade schlock movie. And I'd love to show you clips and maybe even do a comparison, but I can't find the damn thing! Not even clips on Youtube! I mean they've got footage from some of the other movies that the guy's directed or produced, but not this one! By the way, the guy who made this seems to really have a thing for movies with "Bimbos" in the title. Before making "Bimbos in Time", he also apparently made "Bimbos B.C." and "Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City". Although, to be fair, I could barely find information on any of those movies either. I'm inclined to believe that they're actually all the same movie, just released under different titles. Especially since the Prehistoric Bimbos title tends to have more information and footage, while the other two are just afterthoughts on IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes.
Linkara: So, you're probably wondering what I'm getting at with all this. The point, this comic is BAD! REALLY BAD! It's a serious contender for worst comic I've ever read. And the guy who made this, Todd Sheets, is credited as the writer.
Linkara (voiceover): Sheets is also listed as the director of the film version and the other Bimbo movies. To be fair, from the scant information I HAVE found, the Bimbo movie stuff was some of his earliest filmwork, and he's not particularly happy with them either. So by extension, I imagine he hates this comic too. These days, he's still creating schlock, but entertaining schlock. Like the "Zombie Bloodbath" series.
We cut to a scene from the first Zombie Bloodbath movie. The zombies are attacking, and a group of people are trying to get away, including a guy with a mustache and a mullet that would make an 80's hockey player jealous. Linkara starts to riff on the movie.
Linkara (voiceover): I love the fact that they don't notice the zombie hoard sneaking up on them.
The group make their get away (Linkara adds a caption "Quick! Let's jog lightly out of danger!") They get cornered and one of them begins to fight back by... um kicking the zombies.
Linkara (voiceover): Now this one's the next karate kid if you ask me.
However, it is too late and the zombies capture mullet guy.
Linkara (voiceover): No, not Jeff Foxworthy!!! Okay that was from the first Zombie Bloodbath movie, probably a bad example. How about Zombie Bloodbath 2!
We cut to said movie and we see... some guy dressed up as Observer (aka Brain Guy) from Mystery Science Theater 3000. Um... sure.
Brain Guy Lookalike: NO! It is YOU who do not understand! Now you must pay for deliberatley defiling the sacred place of our masters own choosing.
Brain Guy Lookalike #2: You are a wretched being.
After that aside, we cut back to Linkara.
Linkara: Okay, okay I'll stop laying into the guy. I have nothing but sympathy for how hard it can be to make a movie. To be honest... I'm just trying to pad this. I don't WANT to start talking about this comic! (sigh) But I guess at this point I have no chioce. Let's dig into Bimbos In Time #1.
We start by taking a look at the... um... cover of the book, possibly the lowest quality covered ever featured on the show.
Linkara (vo): So, this is our cover. (engage sarcasm mode) WOW! They really didn't spare the expense, did they? Just look at how beautifully drawn they are! What magnificent examples of human beings these three women are. I can't find a SINGLE anatomical problem anywhere! Oh but I think the REAL person to be praised here is the colorist, who clearly used the most expensive colored pencils and crayons they could find that day. Suddenly I understand why the comic is in black and white, they couldn't find a sharpener that day for the colored pencils.
Linkara: You know, I don't even have a problem with colored pencils and crayons as artistic tools, but I prefer my comic books to look a bit more professional!
Linkara (vo): We open on some old witch wearing Madonna's old bras and a viking helmet going through a post-apocolyptic dump. She falls into a hole, and I guess this is supposed to be funny, especially since she is also carrying a rolling pin as a weapon. And out of the darkness COMES.... Tim Curry?
Cue the Rocky Horror Picture Show clip!
Dr. Frank-N-Furter: I'm just a sweet transvestite....
Regrettably, we cut back to the comic.
Linkara (vo): However, the rolling pin to the head stops him before he can strike into a musical number. The woman says her name is 'Ma'.
As always, Linkara provides the voices for the dialouge and narration of the comic.
Tim Curry Lookalike: I'll tell you what Ma, how about helping me reform my army and regain my reign of terror and I'll give you... minimum wage!
Ma: I ain't no dummy! You want my help, you better be ready to shell out the big bucks! I want five dollars an hour or no deal!
Linkara: Aim high, sister.
Tim Curry Lookalike: Well, your a tough one all right. Ok, you got a deal. Now help me find some cloths...
Linkara (vo): No, not clothes. It clearly says 'cloths'.
Spelling Errors: 1
Tim Curry Lookalike: ...and together we can CONQUER THE WORLD!!!
M. Bison: OF COURSE!!!
Linkara: Geez, not even M. Bison can raise my spirits.
Narrator: Meanwhile at the Bimbo Headquarters in Old Chicago...
Linkara: I could really go for some old Chicago right about now. Yes, they've got beer.
Linkara (vo): At said Bimbo Headquarters, and I can't believe I'm actually saying that without trying to impale myself on something, we see a group of women being taught in a classroom about a grave problem they have.
Teacher: Today, we'll be addressing the problem of how to be a good Bimbo warrior without breaking a nail!
Linkara (anguished): I'm only on page 4. This comic is 48 pages long. Expect a lot of crying in this episode.
Linkara (vo): The woman, Triana, is called away and she tells another woman, Gabrielle, to take over.
Gabrielle: Okay, now let's see... yeah! New topic okay? Cause, like, I don't know that lesson, you know.
Linkara (vo): Suddenly, the 'No Guns' sign in the background makes perfect sense. Triana meets up with this guy, who is in front of a massive computer and watching Astroboy for no apparent reason. Good to know that after the apocolypse, Astroboy will still be entertaining the masses. This guy says that their old enemy, Tim Curry, is back again. OH GOD, I think this might be a sequel! He's suddenly wearing a big super-computer helmet thing that I'm sure allows him to access the computer at incredible speeds, hunt down mutants accross the globe, coordinate the renegade Daleks, and dries his hair in 20 minutes or less!
Linkara: Come to think of it, isn't that the thing I used to reprogram Spoony's clone?
A quick glance to see the reprogramming of Spoony's clone.
Linkara (vo): It seems that Tim Curry has reactivated an old nuclear reactor.
Linkara: Cause I guess people can just do that.
Linkara (vo): However, the reactor was damaged and that spells possible diaster for the wastelands they live in. By the way, it's also nice to know that after the apocolypse, thongs would be standard fashion fare. Over at the nuclear plant, Tim Curry tells Ma that he's surprised that they got the reactor working again.
Tim Curry Lookalike: Sometimes, it amazes me.
Ma: What? That I'm so smart?
Tim Curry Lookalike: No, that... elipses, question mark.
Linkara (vo): Amazes me that... uh... line? Ah! The Bimbos have arived, brandishing swords will still wearing their underpants.
Bimbo Warrior: This time, we'll finish you off for good!
Tim Curry Lookalike: Oh yeah? Says who?
Bimbo Warrior: Well it says so in my contract!
Wah-wah-wah-waaaaah! The 'joke' leaves Linkara stupefied. He snaps out of it after a while.
Linkara: Oh, I'm sorry. I must have slipped into a coma for a second there. Was there a really bad joke? Okie-dokie!
Tim Curry Lookalike: Enough talk! I want action!
Linkara: I want anything else right now!
Linkara (vo): So, yeah. Fight scene and it goes about as well as you would think with this artwork. Tim Curry's got a big four-fingered glove for some reason. And there's some really weird-ass sound effects like 'Wong!', and a 'Swoosh!' that seems to be coming out of the rolling pin. ugh, I am so bored!
Linkara: By the way, this comic was a donation. And I STILL feel like I was ripped off!!!